It was hard to simply drop that feeling right out of her heart. In fact, it was impossible. She'd sent her heart out to that beach where the now 6 month old dragons had been born even though she hadn't been able to go. And now? Now Niika found herself one of so few who had waited so long to even go look at the two clutches of eggs that were on the sands. The candidates had come and gone from touching them earlier that day, and she could see the parents fussing over their youth, making sure nobody unnecessary approached. Nobody like her.

Maybe they didn't even care she was there. Maybe they could feel her want even before she'd stepped outside to cross the bowl. Maybe she'd be struck down if she even took another step in. From where she was, she could barely count the eggs, imagining her hand running over their surfaces and wondering how close they'd feel to those in the past. Some just a little rough, some smooth, some like freshly washed skin that was just a bit more taut. Little minds that had reached out to utter love, affection, interest, distaste...but never want. Niika wouldn't even pretend any of these babies would look past the sands. At least not to her, if they did.

It would have been tempting to ask, but there was a reason they did things the way they did and she did not put herself above the standards. Order brought home more riders than they lost, order got more Weyrlings to graduation than not. Order kept him alive. Her lips curled into a frown at the invasive thought and she allowed herself to toy at it for a moment before tucking it away. That one could go hide in a dark corner. The rest of this want was for her to feel. Maybe it would do her good to not fight it off, or maybe she was being hopeful. Hope and jealousy were very similar creatures that fought with each other in her heart.

She.....needed to stop looking. A'zota had been right - they'd hopefully hatch within a few weeks, and all within a short period of time of each other - and then she could compose herself again. This was a stupid pity party to have - but she'd never prepared herself to be anything but on a dragon.

It was still all she wanted to be.