(Set to the tune of "Monster Mash". Feel free to sing along in your head.)

Standing on an old American Bandstand style stage, dressed in a dark pinstripe suit and broadcast in black and white, Salem stood before a microphone and sang to a gathered crowd of flapper-era guys and dolls in his best Boris Karloff impression, as a trio of women in silken dresses performing backup vocals behind him.

"I was working in the office late one night
When my eyes beheld a wicked sight!
Miranda Rose crawled up my lap,
And you know what happened after that...

(Salem smashed)
You know I had to smash!
(Salem smashed)
Even though she smelled like trash!
(Salem smashed)
Afterwards, I gave her cash
(Salem smashed)
So she could go wash her a**!

A few days later I had noticed an itch
In places where her lips had kissed,
So I pulled down my pants, and to my surprise,
I saw the infection with my own eyes!

(He caught a rash)
I caught a monster rash!
(Miranda's rash)
From her spoiled gash!
(Miranda's rash)
It made me scratch,
(Miranda's rash)
And wish that I'd never smashed!

Scrubbing did not help
Get rid of all the whelps!
I tried to hide the pain inside,
But touching it made me yelp!

So I went to the doctor to find relief
From all of my torment, pain, and grief
He said, "I know the problem, no need to see
Because, my lad, she gave it to me!"

(He caught a rash)
He caught a monster rash!
(Miranda's rash)
From her spoiled gash!
(Miranda's rash)
It made him scratch,
(Miranda's rash)
And wish that he'd never smashed!

I'd never been with muscled women before
Until that wench stepped through my door!
She used me for title opportunities,
And now my crotch is sore!

(He caught a rash)
I caught a monster rash!
(Miranda's rash)
From her spoiled gash!
(Miranda's rash)
It made me scratch,
(Miranda's rash)
And wish that I'd never smashed!

I itch whenever that redhead's around,
Or when thinking of how she liked to go down,
Cuz the real reason she is the "Queen of Thorns"
Is the poison ivy her lap adorns!

(She's got a rash)
She's got a monster rash!
(Miranda's rash)
From her spoiled gash!
(Miranda's rash)
It makes men scratch,
(Miranda's rash)
And wish that they'd never smashed!

So take my advice and hold your nose
If you ever hook up with Miranda Rose!
But if you visit the doctor for a 'personal issue',
Be sure to tell them that Salem sent you!

(He caught a rash)
I caught a monster rash!
(Miranda's rash)
From her spoiled gash!
(Miranda's rash)
It made me scratch!
(Miranda's rash)
And wish that I'd never smashed!"

As the ladies cooed over the band's sign-offs, Salem itched at his slacks and shuffled awkwardly off stage, waving with his free hand to the crowd as the video faded to black.