When one is told they are useless, worthless, a waste of space, nothing, for long enough, they might actually start believing it. They might internalize it. Let those words wind around their psyche, and dictate who they were, and who they saw themselves to be. For too long, Jaehaerys had been neglected, ignored, or blamed for the death of his beloved mother. Yelled at, cursed, or abused.
But he bore it. Knowing it was the grief talking, knowing he could bear it, to protect his sisters. He would take all the slander, the scolding, the bitterness and poison his sire dispensed. He was strong enough to bear it. And some small, twisted part of him also believed that it was only right. Only fair. That perhaps, in some way, he was to blame for her death. He wasn’t as strong as he believed, he was too pathetic... he wasn’t there when she needed him the most. He had let his father down, but more, he let himself down. He let her down.
This was a flaw, a weakness, a failure he would have to bear for the rest of his life. But finally, he had met someone who could understand him. Who understood the pain, the loss, and the self-loathing that had shackled him. They had told him it was alright to feel what he felt, but there was a time when one needed to acknowledge the past, and the pain and just let it go. He could feel the hurt, and see the scars, but they didn’t have to weigh him down, or define him. He was more than that one mistake. That one failure. And he wasn’t to blame.
But when he first heard those words, he was deaf to them. He was still so filled with those negative thoughts and voices, he wasn’t ready to hear them. He wasn’t ready to acknowledge their truth. He wasn’t ready to heal. But Ashe had known it. He hadn’t pushed. He simlply respected Jae, gave him the space he needed, and the company and listening ear he ccraved. He was a bright star, and a more than welcome presence. It was him, in fact, who helped with his first steps into healing. To acknowledging that he needed to heal.
He was also the one who pushed him away, to enable him to do what was necessary. To allow him to stand on his own four hooves. To see that he was so much more than he was willing to believe. Ashe pushed him away to help him grow. And Jae knew that, more than anything else, was what led him to this time, this place, this state of anxiety, clarity, and peace. Once he was able to get this weight off his chest, he would finally be able to breathe. He could finally face living his own life for himself, not as the whipping boy for his family. He could have a life.
But first things first, he would have to face the hardest thing he had ever done and would likely ever do again in his life. He had returned to the central plains he called home, after nearly a year of searching, and wandering. Of trying to find what he needed, what he was missing. And this, this was it. After all was said and done, it was something so small, so simple, and yet also nearly impossible.
He needed to confront himself. To confront her. To Feel his grief, his guilt. To acknowledge his weakness and anger. To forgive himself. To forgive her.
He had tried to carry with him that sense of strength, of wonder and well-being that his journey had brought him. But with every step he took closer to the end point of his journey, the more he started to waver. He wasn’t ready. Would probably never be. This really, really wasn’t such a good idea…. The warm, kind, reassuring voice of Ashe whispered in his mind, giving him strength and the needed resolution to continue moving forward. He was ready. He was strong. He deserved to heal, and he needed to let everything go.
While his skin threatened to leave his bones, and he shook nearly enough to bring him to his knees, and he wanted nothing more than to turn around and leave, to not do this. To be anywhere else. Doing literally anything else. But he couldn’t stop now. He had come this far.
‘Mama.. I really hate you. Why? Why did you have to be so stubborn, and thoughtless? How could you die and leave us? How could you leave Da? Why? ‘
Like the little foal he sometimes still felt like, that awkward gangly, youngling caught between being a child and being an adult, that he had been when she passed- he folded his legs and collapsed to the ground where he had last seen her. Where he had been so broken. “Why did you leave me? I…. I don’t hate you…. I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here. Why couldn’t you have held on?”
It had been a long year, and the poisoned wound in his heart had festered, but was now able to be lanced, allowing the anger, sadness, and guilt to wash away.
Though the year had been hard and long, at least he had accomplished this. Had been able to come full circle. To truly begin to heal…
Now, now he would return home, confront the rest of his demons, and find the strength and courage to begin anew. He had new friends and a new life out there, waiting for him.
WC:943
