Kids wanting to discuss sex

[Divash]

Shenyu

Quote:

If they're considering sex, but know that after enjoying it they'll be hesitant to call up their mom or dad or sibling and say "It was wonderful," then it's probably not the right time for it.

Or they value privacy... Seriously, WHO would call anyone after that? "Hey, I just had sex"...

I don't mean that a person should have sex, then immediately make a phone call and blurt it out to anyone. What I mean is that, had I had sex before I got married, I would have had to sit on that secret forever, and there would have always been a shadow over my ability to be honest with my mother (and my future children, if I had/wanted them).

Because I didn't, I was able to call my mother a few days after my honeymoon. She didn't have to ask "Did you have sex?" The understanding of everyone who saw my wedding ring was that I had. There was no need to say when, how, how often... but there is a society-wide understanding that my ring (and in my community, my covered hair) meant that I've known intimacy. My mother was free to ask, if she wanted to know, "How was... the honeymoon? Are you okay with everything? Is there anything you need to talk about?" And I was free to say, "It was wonderful," if it was, or "I don't really like it," if I didn't. There was no question of if/when/how, only whether I needed her to console me for anything that hadn't gone as I'd hoped, or if I wanted to share joy with her over how well it had gone.

I actually got to the point of preparing myself to be intimate with my partner before we married, and then I called and said I couldn't. I didn't want our first time to be shrouded in secrecy, something I'd ever feel the need to lie about.  

[ivyisis]

I believe that giving a simple honest answer is the best. My kids are 10, 7, 4 and 8 months and I told my 4yr old that mommy and daddy made the baby. She was satisfied. When she is older and asks a more detailed question I will give her a more detailed answer. The answer should fit the age but if you lie then the child will not come to you in the future with their questions because they will know that you lied to them. I also believe that parents should talk to their kids even though they are uncomfortable. redface As a parent we are there to guide them. wink  

[Lita Kuragari]

It all depends. it's not my place to teach kids what sex is. that's the schools and parents jobs. so if I don't know the kids I'll have to tell them to ask their parents.

my parents never talked to me about sex yet I still saved myself for my husband.

when my kids (when I have them) ask me about sex I will tell them the truth.

"sex is what two adults do when they are in love and married." (for when the kids are young)

I'm not really sure how I would explain to my older kids though. I'd probably go for the textbook definition of sex. I won't lie I know that much and other parents won't like what I tell my kids because I know kids tend to share what they know. (I know I did).

short and sweet: the definition of sex depends on the age of my kids.  

[Taxi Mama]

Why are people so down on the "birds and bees" speech? I think it's a great place to start! Teach a 2 year old that eggs in a nest will hatch into baby birds. Teach a 3 year old that bees fertilize flowers so they can make seeds that sprout into more plants. Teach a 4 year old that mammals keep their eggs safe inside, but they still need fertilizing by the male. That explains why our privates are designed to fit together.

As my kids have grown, I've added that sex binds you together and makes you vulnerable to each other, as a marriage should be. I make the point that it would be insane to do with anyone less than a forever best friend!

My teens and I laugh about how silly folks are who don't realize that their posing and attractiveness obsession is just mating dances, taken out of context. "Beautiful" = healthy & fertile = make many babies. "Sexy" = fun to practice baby-making with.

Obviously, our culture informs them that it feels amazing, so I never made a point of that (dodging the embarrassing part of The Talk, IMO).

By the way, I got no Sex Ed here in Texas. The school boards are controlled by fundamentalists. There was a chapter on sexuality in my daughter's textbook for the required Health course last year; she assures me it was covered VERY quickly with no discussion allowed.  

[katana68]

These kind of discussions can be tricky. I try to have an open relationship with my daughter so that she will feel comfortable coming to me with questions instead of googling her info. So far so good! biggrin  

[bandaidd]

I have many teen friends. A lot of them are more comfortable asking me personal questions than their parents.
I don't talk to strangers about it, but friends... heck yes.
They think their gf might be pregnant? Pregnancy test! And wait outside, because she is stressing.
Worried about STD's? I'm there for ya.
My friends have asked me how I feel about premarital sex and homosexuality. I tell them what I think about yaoi/yuri, porn and their relation to real lasting intimate relationships. I have friends 14-36 of all sexual orientations and experience.
In this sexually driven society, the kids are horny and need and appreciate straight talk from someone experienced who's not going to make them feel like crap.  

[MotherMoo]

First off, let me say sorry if i'm repeating someone else. I only read the first page of replies.

To me, it depends on the age of the child asking the question. You wouldn't want to scare a child who isn't mentally prepared for the answer. Any one can tell the truth without telling the WHOLE truth. If you know what I mean.

To answer a child that hasn't started school yet, you could probably get away with just telling them that it is just something that married *ahem* people do to show their love.

However, once a child starts school, you don't want them to find out the so-called facts of life from someone who wouldn't care to fill their heads with all kinds of negative/untrue stuff.

Be as honest as you can. If it makes you embarrassed then chances are the kids will pick up on it and become embarrassed themselves. Just remember, there are all levels of honesty. One good way to ascertain how much you child is ready for is to simply ask them.

"What is sex, Mommy?"
"What do you want to know, sweetheart?"

Let them fill you in on what EXACTLY they want to know.

I reckon I kind of got off easy on the dreaded question. My kids were raised around a lots of dogs and other animals such as cows and chickens. Not too much to explain to them when they are exposed to animals in heat.
My kids saw puppies, kittens, as well as baby calves being born when they were little. It was just treated at natural.

Hope I helped you with your question. razz  

[Mikiba]

Honestly, my parents never talked to me about sex. The only one who even mentioned it to me was my Aunt and she told me not to do anything that would end up getting me pregnant. I was only eleven years old.

I kind of wish my parents had talked to me about sex because that's something all parents have to do eventually. It's part of being a parent. In this day and age when STD's and AIDS are about, I think it's super important. I am responsible about sex, but learning about it on the internet is probably not the best idea. You can literally type anything into a Google search bar, but having a parent talk to you about it is much better. Awkward, but I think it's better. I think it's best to know the dangers and the consequences of having sex and what to do to protect yourself and even what to do if something happens.

I don't think a five year old needs to know, but hell, if I had a child, I would probably be talking to them about it around the age of 12 or 13. Shielding your kids from it doesn't mean they're not going to do it. They are. It's best for them to know what to do in that situation and to be smart about it.  

[Dante_de_Fenal]

In a way, you could say the school system took care of the sex-talk for me. My parents never sat me down or anything, but they've always been there to answer my questions and I'm sure that if I ever had brought it up that they would have answered it. However, my parents did implicitly discuss it (comments on things heard in the news, and the like). My mom once gave me this encyclopedia about women's health, and sex was included in it. But my real "teacher" was probably the Church and I've had a concept that sex is something sacred, not something profane or something that should be taken for granted.

My question for "kids" who want to have sex is: why do you want to know? how do you know about it? why are you bringing it up?

I think those questions have a lot more to do with my answer than anything else (this is under the assumption that it's popping up here on a Gaia forum, not that one of my second cousins is coming up to me asking about it sweatdrop ). From an outsiders perspective, teen sex seems to me more like a power play than a sign of honest love and affection. Even if it actually starts out as a sharing of love, rarely does it continue to be so. Thus, my answers tend to be: what do you think your mental health is going to be like? Along with: do you want to think of this person for the rest of your life if you don't actually wind up with him / her?

I find the one thing that people rarely mention is that you don't forget sexual encounters (loosely used here to include everything from a kiss to intercourse). How many people have bemoaned their first kiss being crappy? Do you really want your first sexual experience to be with a jerk, to be like a rotten first kiss? The commericals about have all the sex partners in the bed is true, not just on the physical health side, but of the memories as well, all of a sudden Ex-Number-One pops up when Current-Partner does something, and that can kill the mood.  

[1demona3]

Okay, so I am a parent, and I'm not looking forward to that question. However, I refuse to lie to my child. I think the best option is to tell them the truth and explain that it's a big dicision and that it's not one to be made in a hurry. I will tell my son that sex is an event that should only happen when he's ready and with some one that he cares about. I don't want him to have a bad experience with someone he'll regret later his first time. I'm also adamant that he wait until he's at least 16, but that's because most kids have developed enough by that age to have a decent understanding of what it is they are getting into and can make a responsible decision. Also, he will have access to condoms, because even though it's up to him when he's ready, I want him to be safe and to know that I may not like the idea since he's my little boy, but that I'd rather he be safe about it and responsible. And he can always talk to me about something.  

[Kiana_Pryce]

As a Parent I just Sat down in the past month and had the " Talk " with my 13 year old daughter 12 year old son and of course I had to include my 10 year old daughter cause you know how siblings work, they tell each other everything. I had reservations including the 10 year old but I didn't want her getting bad info from her sister and brother.

What I did was ask them first what they knew about sex, then I went from there to correct them. And then answer any follow up questions. Honesty was the course I took giving them real answers... which was hard I think my face was twenty shades of red. I was fine with the regular sex questions but then they asked things like whats masturbation , they had heard the word from a kid in school. And how do gay people have sex ... >.< they were wondering how it was possible. I answered them and tried not to laugh as my kids all went EWWW when I explained about gay men sex.

Kids these days are more aware of things than I was back in the 70's and 80's , Even though I think kids are way to young to be thinking of such things , they are and as a parent no matter how uncomfortable we may be just think of how confused a kid is hearing misinformation from the other kids in school and from tv. As a parent it is our responsibility to keep our kids safe , which means giving them the right answers about any questions they have and the consequences of there actions .. I.E. Sexual diseases and pregnancy. After the talk I told them no dating till there 16 and no sex till there married , probably won't listen to me but I am praying !!  

[lunaci]

Rawashdeh_omar

what would u do if u saw kidz talking about sex, and one of them asked u what does sex means? and worst he/she told u if u didnt answer him/her he/she will google it... confused

It depends on their age, but I would tell them everything they need to know. Since we live in a society where children as young as 10 are getting pregnant, I feel it will be wise to tell the child what they need to know:

What sex is? (really a gender question)

What is sexual intercourse? (no need to get into positions, just the three types)

What does it feel like to have sex? (be honest enough if they ask. curiosity is dangerous, but not every detail has to be explained)

What are STIs? How do you contract them?

There are other things that should be explained like orgasms, wet dreams, maybe even blue balls. You may find it disturbing, but this is stuff you may also find in a general health class for junior high and high schoolers.
I was lucky to learn this stuff at 13. This is stuff no child should not learn, especially from their parents.  

[mixette]

My parent's were always pretty open about it with me.......... more open about it than i wanted them to be! I guess it's a good thing if kids are asking about sex, because I know that I never would have. I think I would just make sure that they had the facts... Like.... This is what it is... this is what it means.....dont feel forced into doing it....You need to be safe because this might happen.... and you have safe sex by using these..........but i hope youll wait!!! lol something along those lines. Sex talks are hard, kids don't want to talk to their parents about it, and a lot of schools are either not teaching sex ed at all, or aren't talking about it enough. They have sooo many questions about sex but are too afraid to ask the people that they should be asking, so they go online and they're not getting the right info. So yeah... ( before I babble on forever!...) I would just throw out as many facts as I can think of and try to make them feel comfortable.