What do I do with a friend like this?

[KaShash]

So, I'll give the short version of the situation first, then a longer one.

Short version:
My best friend of 12 years has only been sending me mean text messages in the past two months. She insists that I am ignoring her (and also puts in several low blows). However, most of her picture messages and longer text messages, I CANNOT recieve due to the lack of data signal in my area. This was explained last month. This month, she sent MORE mean messages and low blows. Personally, I finally had it with such treatment (She treats her xbf better than me) and told her I was not going to deal with her any more and that I was done with her.



Long:
My best friend of twelve years sent a text message to me two months ago yelling at me (with a few low blows) about ignoring her. I calmed down and waited untill my mood had calmed before I called her about it. It seemed that she had sent several messages to me, and I had not received any but the mean one. I informed her of the one I received (and that I had received it in three parts, first getting part 2 and 3 then getting part 1). I also told her of the lack of signal up where I was (I get voice signal, but not data signal), and the house number that she could also reach me at. She insisted the phone number did not work (Despite my bf calling me easily enough every day).

We let the stress of the moment pass. After all, she had just given birth to her first child; Autumn River.

But, now the child birth has passed, and the baby is now two months old, and again, she sends me a very hateful message. This time, I did not keep my cool about it as I'd been struggling with the local DMV to get a new driver's license (need the local one in order to get the local state health insurance). Not to mention, my plate was full with 30+ apartment applications, and two missing paychecks. I called her, and she decided not to answer (less rings that missing the call and more rings than having the phone off). I yelled at her about her being so mean and making ungrounded complaints, and even said that if she believed I was that sort of person, then I was going to act as such and told her I was removing myself from her wedding (in Oct.)

Now, understand that the past 9 years we had planned to be each other's maid of honor. THree monthes ago, when I got my job out of state and had to move, she said she wanted a traditional wedding where the maid of honor planned everything for or with her (like bachelorette party, color themes, catering, invitation choices, etc) and insisted I was not able to do such things from out of state (understandable). Therefore, I was kicked from maid of honor status and she was going to have NO maid of honor. (How exactly is THAT any more a 'traditional' wedding? Besides, she's Wiccan for cripes sakes!)

I've also seen her on MANY occasions call her ex-boyfriend and leave a message along the lines of: "Hey, I haven't heard from you in years, I'm really worried about you. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine, but just let me know that so that I can stop worrying." I get nothing like this if I don't talk to her. Even if it's a month of lag, she lits into me about 'living with mommy' or 'you don't want to see my baby', or 'grow up, we're not in 8th grade' (btw: she was the one to be an idiot in 8th)

She's had an extreme tendency to turn any event into 'woe is me'. Even when she insisted I stay at her place for one full week while she 'helped' me get back out of my depression was all about her. She did nothing but complain about me, yell at me, make me feel uninvited, belittle me and overall made me feel worse!

Currently, I'm trying to make a living. I finally got a job as a Graphic Designer for a small company that's had double digit growth every year. The hard part is getting a place to live (there is a college nearby and places are PACKED), getting a local driver's license, getting state health insurance, getting a second job, paying for gas, working with the insurance company about my hail damage and balancing my money so I can see what I've got leftover for groceries. burning_eyes I get about $550/mo from my job right now, so you can see, it's not the best of situations. I'm juggling all of this in my life and all she can say is 'what about me?'

It was a long time ago (about seven years or so) I wrote song lyrics. They were based off from the way I felt our relationship was going. It was all about two friend's needing each other, and how one would hide her problems to help the other, each and every time beliving that as long as she helped her friend first, her friend would help her when she truly needed it. In the end, when she did truly need it, her friend turned her down.

I guess I had seen this coming. But it pains me that, let alone not being there for me, she thinks she can just throw any low blow at me for NOT dropping everything and driving 8 hours back to see her. I've been the one to visit her for the past three years. Always it was me going to her place. Why? I understood that her money was tighter than mine. We're friends, so it didn't matter that much. But now my money is tight. I don't have a fiance bringing in a second paycheck like she does. And now the distance between us is much further. I haven't even been able to go home to get the rest of my clothes and furniture!

My mom came up with a peace offering. To give her baby clothes that we had bought a while back as well as some other things that I had bought at a rock and mineral museum for her. She said that she'd deliver them for me since I could not go down there myself. I even tossed in a book of hers that I had borrowed. (I had borrowed it a long time ago, and in the successive moves, it had been left in a box. It's still in perfect condition though; and I DID read it.)

~*~*~*~*~

Sooooo, here's what I'd like for advice:

How should I deal with my feelings that I still have about the way she has been acting towards me?

Is my current idea of 'not dealing with each other until all the big events we currently have pass before we try to settle things' a good idea or a bad one?

I understand that yelling at my friend was NOT tactful, but is there something I can do right now that won't turn me back into her lapdog?  

[Shinigami Unity]

Wow, that sounds eerily like a situation I just went through with a girl I've known for 16 years! >_<

It obviously sounds like you still care for this person - you sound like you still want to find a way to have this friendship. How does she feel about it? If she is trying to find a way to become committed to your friendship - there might be something that can be done. Unfortunately, as in my case, if she has no interest in taking care of the friendship - you might just have to move on. For me, it felt like losing a loved one. Sometimes I still get the urge to look at pictures on her Facebook (I broke down to see her wedding photos) - but I try to resist because it's painful.

I think your Mom's idea of a peace offering is a good idea. After all, you did intend to give them to her. At the very least, it may make you feel better.

Since you have such a busy/stressful lifestyle, it's understandable that you wouldn't be able to give as much in the friendship. Since she seems like a very self-centered person - she just may need to realize how difficult things are for you (and I'm not saying things are easy for her. Babies make things crazy).

There's like fifty thousand other things I could say pertaining to this - but honestly, who wants to read a comment post that's five pages long? ^_^

Good luck!  

[sweet txn]

Send her a letter.
Tell her how the problems you have between each others hurts you.
I would then leave it up to her to meet you half way on the issues.
If that dont work maybe its just time to move on.  

[Dani Hyrosha]

KaShash

~*~*~*~*~

Sooooo, here's what I'd like for advice:

How should I deal with my feelings that I still have about the way she has been acting towards me?

Is my current idea of 'not dealing with each other until all the big events we currently have pass before we try to settle things' a good idea or a bad one?

I understand that yelling at my friend was NOT tactful, but is there something I can do right now that won't turn me back into her lapdog?

Bottling things up will only make things worse, believe me. The more you put something off, the more painful it will become. You can't ignore the problem, but if you face it head on, it's going to hurt.

I like the idea mentioned of writing a letter. Make a few drafts though, so you know what you want to say.

Lastly, step back and look at the situation. I did that a while back to find out a lot of my friends from high school were walking all over me, using me. I was not please, to put it mildly, but at least now I knew where they stood. Some of them were not my friends after that, but some didn't realize they were doing it and felt horrid. I have tried to stay in touch, but at least I know were really were friends.  

[Taxi Mama]

Havin a new baby makes you crazy. Planning a wedding makes you bitchy. Needing help with those makes you demanding of anyone you ever depended on. So she's a crazy demanding b***h, now... surprise! With any luck, she'll recover her sanity after the wedding and realize she really misses you and the functional relationship (if it was).

I think letter-writing might be beyond her right now. Though she certainly could READ one, I suppose. Good Luck!

 

[FireSpark]

Well, if I were to be the sort that shoots from the hip (and I'm not), I would say that your friend exhibits many signs indicitive of an aggressive codependent. I would like to explain, but remember, this analysis is based solely on the information you provided. There may be extenuating circumstances of which I am not aware.

Continuing, the examples I see are her calling ex-boyfriends, saying that she is worried for them, thus still caring. Also, the "helping" you with your period of depression. All of which indicate that she is central to the issues because she has to take care of everyone.

I think what may have happened here, is that you unbalanced her world when you moved away. As things were, you were there for her to 'care' for, and thus she was happy, because to an extent you needed her care and support. By moving away, you were stating that you didn't need her, at least from her perspective. This alone will generate some anger and distrust issues. Now she is indirectly threatening complete emotional seperation (which I believe to be a bluff), in order to 'bring you around', and make you come 'home'. I also suspect that she has behaved this way before in your relationship (not necessaritly to this degree, though). Probably at times when you were feeling distant from her, and not spending as much time around her as you usually did. If any of this seems to hit a mark, then what comes next may be hardest on you.

If you don't want to deal with the person she has shown herself to be, then you are best off severing the ties now, rather than letting things linger. You don't have to be mean or abrupt, but in my experience, the clean break is always best. And having been forced to make this choice in my own past, I know the heartache it can cause. The other option is that you will have to acclimate her to your new situation. This has its own pains involved, in that she may not come around to the idea as quickly as you want.

In any event, if you truly want to keep her as a friend, youre going to have to sit down with her and talk it out, and for that I would recommend that you find an intermediary. Not necessarily a psychiatrist. It could be a counselor, a stranger on a message board, or some other neutral and impartial third party. Having to speak through someone else tends to filter out and tone down some of the overly passionate emotions that are conjured in such discussions.

Of course, your friend could just be a mean person, but I doubt that from the sound of things. In either case, if you want this issue brought to a close, talking is the best way. Calm, and patient, communication can do wonders.

Best of luck to you.  

[ladyshari]

I would say try writing her the letter and make plenty of drafts.. If she she still is that way I would say walk away .. True friendships would be understanding about your situation, true friendship would not let this come between you...  

[KaShash]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm still going to take time and think about what I want, and what I need before I move forward about dealing with this situation.

The comments about 'aggressive codependent' hit some marks, as she used to have to take care of her little brothers, and her father taught her a more aggressive way of taking care of family. Directly stating that she is acting like her father is -- more or less -- the utter worst thing to tell her, no matter how true (I know this from accidentally saying so once before).

But like I said, I don't come to quick decisions, especially on things that took so long to develop in the first place. I will take some time to figure this out before I make my conclusion.

Any more comments and advice are, of course, welcome. smile  

[Wixandrettas]

Well, I guess the one thing that comes to mind to me is:

If you know treating people like this is wrong, why is it ok to be treated like that from someone who is supposed to be your friend?

Im running into this with my Mother, a 52 yr old woman with a very serious alcohol problem. Constantly thinks the world is after her, aiming to take her down with the world's problems and woes. She blames everyone for her drinking problem, thinks it is ok to drink herself silly to the point she blacks out. She is truly a miserable person either sober or drunk.

For a while she was calling in the middle of the night (try 2am) blasting me out drunk as a skunk, over things that she lays blame on me over something she took the wrong way. I had called a few times to see how she was doing.... and when I called the most recent, I talked with my sister, and said "wow, this isnt like Mom to not call, hope she is ok?".... which was truly genuine...

Well, Mom being Mom went ape-sh!t, through some very nasty comments... comments that even my daughter of 15 years wouldnt dare say, and when I realized my mother was drunk over the phone.. I told her "You know what Mom? When you decide to sober up, get alcohol out of your life and YOU decide to act your age, maybe then we can talk, but until you make the right choice, I dont want you calling my house again"...

I had hung up on her. She tried calling back several times, even used her cell phone thinking I wouldnt be able to tell it was her... heheheh, being sober helps, especially when you read a caller-ID.

I had to decide for myself do I want to continue to be treated like garbage? Have this interrupt my home life, put my daughter in a concerned corner, my fiance angry, quite possibly affecting my own family??? It wasnt a hard decision to make. I dont want that kind of negativity in my life and I certainly dont want my daughter or my fiance going through that either.

For me, I choose not to have a relationship with my Mother anymore because her negativity/alcoholism/abuse and that, the only person who can help her, is herself. I cant do it for her. But, she will never be allowed to think she can get away with hurting me or my family. I dont have to put up with that.

Everyone deserves a level of respect, even during the ugly times, but... when the ugly times outweight the good, then it would be a good idea to step back, and look at the picture... see how it is affecting you and your environment. Ask yourself, if you know this is not how to treat people, then why allow someone to get away with it on you?

This is a tough call that, in my opinion, is a decision you need to make on your own. It really depends on how much youre willing to accept and where you want to draw the line.

It isnt a friendship if your friend is that nasty to you...  

[medea malfoy]

sweet txn

Send her a letter.
Tell her how the problems you have between each others hurts you.
I would then leave it up to her to meet you half way on the issues.
If that dont work maybe its just time to move on.

i agree with this, but one step further, put it in the peace offering. make your feelings clear(tactfully please!) and remind her of the friendship you two enjoyed in the past. friends grow apart sometimes, it's a fact. but if you grow apart due to these issues, you have to let go. believe me i know it hurts. but it may be necessary to help you grow as a person and live your life. you shouldn't allow her to treat you that way!  

[Harbone]

You know what I find odd about these posts?

If a friend treats you badly, the posts tell you to make up with that friend.

If you have some sort of sexual attraction or romantic intention for someone and they don't live up to your expectations, leave them.

Why is that, I ask myself?

So, to be fair, I'm gonna say: ditch your friend. If we were talking about your lover acting the same way, you'd have had a whole list of people telling you to leave them forever, at this point.  

[TamlinSan]

You might really need to rethink your friendship. She isn't behaving like a friend, so you have to consider what you were to her.

A baby does make you crazy (sister in law went mildly insane during her pregnancies, though it was semi-funny to watch my brother's expression when she burst into tears for no reason...). It doesn't give you a reason to treat an old friend like trash.

You might try to send her a letter telling her how hurt you are and how you feel. Try not to blame her too much, but let her know that she's hurt you and an overview of how she's done it. At the end, I'd leave it open to her to make the next move. Something to the effect of "I really miss you, especially since we live so far away from each other, but I cannot take this stress in my life. In the future, if you miss me too and choose to treat me like a friend, I will be here waiting to hear from you."

Let her decide what to do next. If your friendship means anything to her, she'll get back to you. If she doesn't, well...that tells you what your friendship means to her.  

[twotees]

Have you or she moved away from eachother ???

To me it sounds like you two dont see eachother enough.
Her feelings are hert also. You also said you have another bf???

You two should spend some time together and talk about this. You seem to be moveing away from her and she feels it.  

[KaShash]

Yes, my career took me two states away ( an 8 hour drive, one way).


So here's how her wedding went:

I arrived Saturday late at night. Sunday I called her and asked if there was a rehearsal or anything I needed to attend, and she said there was no rehearsal or anything. She said it was a casual wedding and to wear jeans and a tee shirt. She wanted me to dress for the weather because it was outdoors without a backup.

Well, I could tell she was a little exasperated, so I didn't wear jeans and a teeshirt but something she had complimented me on a while back. It was dress pants and a long button up shirt.

I also offered to help and she asked that I come over to babysit while her and her husband--to-be made preparations. Well, when I got there, the baby was asleep (She'd gotten back from daycare and the car ride put her to sleep). She had two of her other friends there helping and so I had nothing to do, tough offered what I could at any given chance. After a while, and only one hting to do: fetch more ice from the gas station, I asked if it was ok to go so that I could pack my car with more things to move up north to my apartment. She seemed quite fine with me going as she had plenty of hands.

So Monday the 13th comes (that was her wedding day) and I needed my dad's car to get there (mine was filled to the brim with stuff to move up). Dad didn't call until 45 minutes before the wedding and told me he wouldn't get through traffic in time, so I had to take my car. Ok fine. I get there with a half hour before the wedding (supposed to be at 4). Nothing was set up. Her brothers had been late and they barely had the arch pieces together.

So, I helped out. It was cold and working kept you warm. Unfortunately, because of other hindrances (Rings gone missing, cake left at apartment) the wedding didn't start until 5:30. They almost started without me as I was still stuffing plastic swans with dinner mints. I hurried up and stood next to Sammy (who was the only other person on the bride's party. Sammy's husband Jake was on the grooms party). Well, after the ceremony (half hour at most, the groom was all choked up, it was cute), they take pictures of bride and groom. Then they take pictures with bride, groom, Sammy and Jake. So, apparently, I got completely booted from the wedding party, not JUST from maid of honor like she had said several months prior. I felt quite used. Perhaps 12 years of loyal friendship is really only that? 12 years of being used? Who knows... I didn't say anything because it was her wedding and I didn't want to give more reason for it to go badly. There were enough problems.

Well, if that wasn't bad enough for her wedding, it was getting dark and the gazebo light didn't turn on so all the packing up had to be done by candlelight. It was a mess. I DO feel bad that the wedding wasn't perfect, but I think the groom took it the best: it was their wedding and that's all that mattered.

The whole time I was there, I got one thank you for helping set up and "We'll talk later" when I hugged her goodbye. I was pretty upset.  

[Harbone]

That's a heck of a wedding horror story.

Did you tell her that you feel insulted for being removed from Maid of Honor status?

Or maybe you feel like this because that 8 hour drive puts unneccessary strain on you as well. Maybe you instinctively know you have to find a new good friend or two closer to your current situation?