A strange problem

[bandaidd]

Dark-Blue Zeus

I never felt so lame. I attempted to follow all of your advice,but all that happened was The sight of me choking and feeling the bile rise in my throat. Maybe its better to just give up at this point. you can't teach an old dog new tricks and all that mess..

First of all, don't try to follow all of the advice at once. It's obviously too much too fast. Slow waaaaaay down.
You say you are ok with relatives. That's a good sign. For now, continue avoiding things that cause the symptoms. You know what those are.

It is a common therapy to start with something only slightly uncomfortable and face that until you can do it comfortably. You could do it yourself, or I could help you, or you could work with a counselor.

It is a slow process and takes patience and dedication on your part and even more, faith in yourself that you can conquer this demon.

I am a nurse and have lots of experience and resources. PM me if you want to talk more.  

[Etoile de la Mer]

Everyone here seems to be pointing in the correct direction. First, you seem to have an extreme reaction to only the physical presence of females. You seem to be doing fine on the internet socializing with girls/women.

Since your reaction is so extreme, I would suggest therapy. Of course it's expensive so if you have acess to a priest, school counselor, or campus health center, take advantage. If you still cannot find one, what everyone is pointing you to is to desensitize yourself to the thing that you are having problems with.

Start slow. First, go on line and learn how to train your body to relax. Try this site: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/relaxation-technique/SR00007 Find a technique that works for you and learn it. This might take some time, but hey, your relaxed!

Once you can give yourself a cue to relax and your body does it, go and start your desensitization therapy. Go to a place where there is one woman, maybe someone out doing their gardening. Go towards that person until you feel stressed then tell yourself to relax. Stay there for a few moments feeling relaxed near the woman. DO NOT FLEE, don't try to go closer. Just relax.

When you have successfully relaxed for a few minutes, say five. Go away and give yourself a reward for doing so well.

The next time put yourself in the same situation, go to the point you feel stressed, force yourself to relax, when you are relaxed, stay for ten minutes, then go give yourself a treat.

Eventually, you can stand next to a woman and make yourself relax. It will take time. You won't be able to cure it in one weekend, but you can do it. If you try to make this go fast, you'll crumble and flee, which in a way is a reward. You reward yourself by removing the cause of your fear. The more you flee, the more you teach yourself that fleeing is a good thing and staying is a bad, thus deepening the phobia.

You can also add good things to the treatment. If you like a certain kind of drink, bring it with you, and concentrate on how nice your drink is and how relaxed you are.

I was phobic of needles. It wasn't as extreme as yours, but it was pretty bad. I nearly fainted when the vet gave my dog a shot. Just the sight of a needle sitting on a table would make me panic. I got over it by deciding to donate blood. I would buy myself a Odwalla drink that I adore and as I forced myself to relax while going through the process. I drank my drink and concentrated on how much I liked my drink. I avoided looking at the needle at first (I purposefully dissasociated myself from the steps I took to give blood, so it seemed no more dangerous than filling out forms at the DMV), then I glanced at the while it was on the table, then I would peek at it while it was in the person's hand, then I was able to finally watch the needle go in my arm. It took months to do. The first time I thought I really was going to die of a heart attack when the needle went into my arm, but I refused to look and forced myself to relax when I started getting stressed. When I was finished, I went to my favorite store and gave myself a $10 shopping spree (it was a thrift store so that was actually pretty good). I also kept reminding myself of all the good things that giving blood does for me and the community. At the end of my tramatic day, I felt pretty damn good about the whole thing and didn't feel as stressed the next time, so I relaxed quicker, and had a better time.

Since your phobia is more severe, take baby steps. Maybe you can start by watching a woman while you are sitting in a car drinking a starbuck's coffee or go to a park with a book and sit across the park from a woman. Take it slow. Pad the whole experience with favorite things (drinks, food, your fav song, etc.). Always remember to learn to relax first. When you are finished, reward yourself for staying near the source of your fear for the length of time you have built up to.

Good luck! Take it slow.  

[bandaidd]

ditto above. (Wonders if Etoile de la mer is psych student or professional)

I had trouble with the link, but it is a great article.

Try www.mayoclinic.com

Click on healthy living link, then stress link, then relaxation techniques  

[Etoile de la Mer]

Psych student, with an old phobia issue so when the professor gave the phobia lecture I was all over it with questions. Since the prof. was doing a study on fear and past trauma she was nearly estatic to have such an attentive audience and I learned tons.

I fixed the link. They included the period at the end of the sentence in the link address and it threw everything off... Thank you for letting me know bandaidd smile . I really liked that article and think it could really help.  

[Dark-Blue Zeus]

that type of mindframe is hard to do. while you try to draw your attention away from your fear, a little bit sticks you in the side reminding you that you have to be scared and run away.  

[bandaidd]

For now, just read the article. Don't think of everything you have to do. One step at a time. Just read it or agree to read it.

Then reward yourself for reading. And let us know. We will give you cookies. heart  

[Etoile de la Mer]

No one said that getting over a phobia is easy. Unless, you want to spend the rest of your life being terrified of stepping out the door (women are everywhere) than you have to do something to conquor the problem.

Yes, you are putting yourself in the position to be frightened. The trick is to learn to relax so thoroughly that when you are frightened, you can give your body the command to relax and it will. The other trick is to take it in small baby steps. Expose yourself to women to the point where you start becoming alarmed, then make yourself stay put (even though you are scared) for a predetermined amount of time, make yourself relax, and reward yourself for your good behavior.

Start slow and take each step slowly. Take tiny steps. Don't rush. If you rush, you are back at square one. This might, honestly, take months or even years depending on how dedicated you are and if you try to rush. If you rush, it will take years. If you take it slow and are dedicated to doing this, you might be free of this in months.

Remember, it is only the physical pressence of women that frightens you. You can remember that on the internet you have women friends and we (ignore my avatar's sex) are not causing you to panic. You might want to consider that when you are trying to battle your fears. Who knows, that woman you are watching from your car while drinking your Starbucks might be one of us. biggrin

Won't it be nice to one day be able to walk over and say, "Hello, do I know you from Gaia? I'm Dark-Blue Zues."  

[Xeneizes]

I was going to add something like Etoile de la Mer said to the conversation, but they've already gone ahead and taken care of it. I have recently gone through therapy here at my university, and I had anxiety/fear of situations of power... for example, having to play the 'heavy' and enforce rules with someone. Some of these exact same techniques are things that I've done. Am I perfect around this? I can't say that I am. It's been a few months, with some time of practice. It's definitely better at this point.

It's a process to undertake, and a path to walk down. It's not a cliff to dive off from and have everything be better.

Always remember, it is possible to achieve the changes you want. You only have to learn how to get there, and have the dedication to reach it.  

[MotherMoo]

I'm curious about the last line of your request for help..... You say that you will be confined to the internet for life if you can't get help with your fear.... Are you able to chat with women on-line? is it just personal contact you fear?  

[hagelwetter]

If I got it right the problem was about the physical presence of women, not about their presence in general..  

[Dark-Blue Zeus]

now i feel like a sideshow freak. online chatting is fine.  

[KittytheSheGeek]

Guys... a lot of you aren't approaching this correctly. If he has an actual phobia, it's a lot harder to deal with than a fear of intimacy, or a normal fear of the opposite sex. Trust me, I'm a phobic too. Thankfully my phobia is less everyday than his (I've got Scoleciphobia, the fear of worms) I know it's an irrational fear, but it's something you just can't control. My advice is to see a therapist or a psychologist, someone professionally trained to handle phobics. If you jump into a pile of girls hoping exposure will cure you, you might just make things worse.  

[MotherMoo]

I don't mean to make you feel like a "side show freak". I don't believe you are one. All I was thinking was that if it didn't bother you to chat with a girl on-line. That may be one way to overcome your fear. Getting to know someone in a setting that you feel comfortable in. I have spoke with a lot of people who met on gaming sites and what not who are truly happy with each other. And yes, I realize that the problem is more than needing a relationship with someone. You should see a professional with your phobia. However, getting to know someone over the internet may be a way to start.  

[bandaidd]

Akiyhrah

Guys... a lot of you aren't approaching this correctly. If he has an actual phobia, it's a lot harder to deal with than a fear of intimacy, or a normal fear of the opposite sex. Trust me, I'm a phobic too. Thankfully my phobia is less everyday than his (I've got Scoleciphobia, the fear of worms) I know it's an irrational fear, but it's something you just can't control. My advice is to see a therapist or a psychologist, someone professionally trained to handle phobics. If you jump into a pile of girls hoping exposure will cure you, you might just make things worse.

like i said earlier. i am a nurse with years of experience with depression, anxieties, phobias, addictions. i could get you started, and you could do some quizzes to see if this is an anxiety disorder or phobia. All according to the DSM IV criteria, which is what WE professionals use.

Everyone's experience with psych disorders is different, so what works for one may not work for another and vice versa.

Statistics in the US show 1/4 to 1/3 of college students are on antidepressants (from a recent psych CME, don't have the reference). That's not counting all of those on antianxiety meds, antipsychotics or even those in therapy. Psych disorders are very common, more than anyone thinks.  

[Etoile de la Mer]

Dark-Blue Zeus

now i feel like a sideshow freak. online chatting is fine.

Then we are all sideshow freaks. Phobias are common. Normal is not normal. Why get all angsty over it?

You've heard our advice. It's time to consider it and decide what will work best for you.

If you need us, we are here.