Lost - A Look Into Exorian Life (Long)

[Exor Omega]

Yeah, so I don't exactly have anywhere else to go with this. I could post it on MySpace, but it's fragging out, and I could post it in my Journal, but that would do me 0 good - so here I am.

Here I am to write a rant. Or something of the like.

I am 23 years old and I am quite lost in my life, in almost every way. Don't like my job, don't like my life, I feel hopeless and listless like nothing I do brings me any joy.

I am very used to having to do everything for myself. It's just second nature to me. I randomly found this girl that everyone says has been good for me. She's 18. I fell for her because of her energy and silliness. But now, I am quite cross.

I've managed to max out my credit card and empty my bank account. She's living with me (which was not helping a damned thing), and so she finally got out and got a job. I hate that it's like taking care of a child and not having a companion. It's really getting me down. I never drink - I have 2 bottles of wine in the fridge half full from 6 months ago. I finally broke down and bought some Baily's last week (it's the common component in all of my favorite drinks (I used to DJ at a bar)), and alcoholism runs in my family like blood. I'm gettin the urge to drink the edge off, but I don't want to rely on that, either.

Right, the first reliance thing. We had this talk, my girlfriend and I, that she should get a job to help the financial situation since she wants stuff like cable that I don't watch and we should probably buy, oh, I dunno, food every once in a while. So I asked her to get a job. And it didn't happen. So I had to hold her hand and watch her every move until she finally went out and got some apps and then I had to stay on her to get her to turn them in. It's like this with everything. I work all day and she doesn't even straighten up the apartment. She doesn't want me to clean or do the dishes, but she won't do them herself. I have her damn cat living there as well, and I said she could come if my girlfriend took care of her. I have to stay on her to take care of the cat. Just like everything else. So we have this talk about finances and she needs a job for us to get ahead. So I rely on her for financial backing.

She works two weeks and gets sent home. She tells me some girl was talking to a manager about her. She tells me that she was doing nothing wrong. She then adds later that the manager would call her back. It just seems like I'm drownin here, guys. I only have an associate's degree from community college and I'm working an entry job and it pays $10/h but that won't cover everything AND things like going out with friends. So it looks to me like she's either lying to me or being completely irresponsible.

I also have little to no spiritual compass. I'm seeking but I'm not finding. I've been doing research into meditation and chakra work and I'm starting to look at yoga because I don't know the first thing about it. I don't know if I'm looking for a dualistic or nondualistic worldview or which way I'm supposed to go for what or really even what's right and what's wrong. Is it better to seize the moment or to walk on eggshells? I never much cared for this Western/American/Christian philosophy. If there is a God, I don't think he really cares for ritual so much as love and reverence and all. The meaning gets lost in ritual if ritual is treated as the main thing.

I don't know what to look for or at or into. I just feel so lost. I don't know where to go. I think I should go back to school and get a better job, but then what? More of the same?

I just don't get it...  

[Demona_Darchanjel]

I'm so sorry you are going through so much, it sounds like you're in the middle of depression right now. I live on disability, so I know how tight money can be. I only get about 643 dollars a month to live on, and I haven't been getting calls back from apps to get part time jobs.

Love can be hard, but if she doesn't start pulling her weight you may need to see about dumping her and getting her out of your home. That's a very hard thing to do, but sometimes no matter how much you love a person you have to do what will be right for you. Alcohol is never the answer, alcoholism runs in my family too so I don't drink very much or very often. My personal fav is Malibu rum with pineapple juice. Mmm, pina colada... Sorry, side rant there.

Have you ever thought about wicca or paganism? Most of it is just reverence for nature and all living beings, with emphasis on personal journeys towards betterment... Often involving things like meditation and chakra work. I learned Reiki as a compliment to my faith, and although I believe in the God and Goddess, I don't think you have to emphasize them too much if you don't want to.

I wish you the best journey in your future...

Blessed be  

[BlueberryJoy]

Ditch this chick, she's using you for room & board. She isn't mature enough to understand what counts in a relationship.

Once you're rid of her, then you can sort yourself out.  

[lady ayami chan]

I have to say her actions are outrageous! I am a woman and I would NEVER put my significant let alone myself in the situation you are describing...
she is the problem it seems to me.  

[lunaci]

I agree with the previous people that the girl has to go. It's apparent that she doesn't love you enough to get herself together, so I would suggest you cut the extra baggage and kick her out (if need be, put it in writing how much time she has to move out and get it notarized. In my state, one has 30 days to find another place upon receiving a notice).

As for your life, think about what you are good at. It will be tough to find something, but you can find a job (or create a job for yourself) doing what you want or what you are good at. I was told by my friend that I should become a caterer since I love working with food. You may or may not like food as much as I do, but you may like to fix computers. That can be a side business.

As for religion, I can't say much on that because I'm still learning. I grew up a Baptist but now I'm more of a spiritualist. I still believe in God, the Bible, Heaven and Hell, etc. However, I also take into consideration that there is a grain of truth in every other religion I've studied. I believe in spirits who can be just as helpful as they are harmful. I have experienced somethings that are pretty weird, but ultimately it guided me to believe in something that my intuition, heart, and sometimes mind feels is true (I couldn't stay a Baptist afterwards). All in all, what I'm trying to say is let your intuition (it is that gut feeling you have sometimes) guide you to the right path. If it feels uncomfortable or bad, it's not for you.  

[immabee]

your live-in partner is supposed to be just that - a partner. not a dependent. stop paying for her s**t. stop taking care of her cat. she's an adult and has to take care of herself even if she is living with a boyfriend. she's taking advantage of your kindness, but you are letting her. so don't. either she gets a job and contributes to the household, or she has to go (presumably to find another guy to take care of her).

as for the listless feelings in your life/spirituality, you aren't alone. most people in your age group (i'm one!) have trouble figuring out what it is that makes them happy and gives them a sense of satisfaction. you seem like you're doing exactly what you ought to be doing, spirituality-wise. keep studying things that snag your interest. there is no right or wrong way to go about it, only your way - it's the figuring out what "your way" is that is the hard part. but it's also the fun part! you make the rules up as you go, or you can do away with rules altogether. it's totally up to you. 3nodding  

[Shenyu]

I think a spiritual way would not help you much. Maybe I am pessimistic, but I think those are for things you cannot change, like the death of someone important or a disease.
In your case I think you must take a stand and make clear that you cannot babysit. Of course relationship can mean guidance at some state, but I think the important thing is, that you use that to go on alone and do not make the other ohne push you every step. In my opinion she just relies to much on that.
I think you should go on alone from here on. You don't seem to have much positive feelings about her anymore and if a relationship comes to that point, I think it is better to end it. It's important that two face hard times as partners, but no partner should be the cause of that bad time. (For example: If somebody gets ill and the other one has to take care, then the disease is the cause).
But maybe you do not want that either. Maybe you should make a list of what you want to change and tell her that in a non-emotional situation if you have not already done so. Sometimes you just have to name things even if it is shocking... my husband was not so happy when I told him that I could never have children with him as long as I have to organize his life as well... but he is really trying now.  

[Shinigami Unity]

Dude, quite honestly you sound like a zombie.

Sit down and make a list: is there anything quite possibly in existance that can give you some motivation to live your life?

There are some basic things everyone needs, like independence and security. I'm not saying you need to be alone, but you do need to be in a position where you're not taking care of someone all the time. Unless you want to - in which case, get a pet.

I've been there. Sometimes, I think I'm still there. But I manage to find something - even if it's just a pretty cloud - to keep me actually feeling alive.

Let yourself feel.  

[Seanne]

I agree with what everyone else has said so far: get rid of that chick. You are hurting from the dynamics of your "relationship," and in the long run, it is not good for her either. You can't keep taking care of her; she needs to learn how to do that for herself.

As far as the feeling lost thing goes, please believe me when I say that I understand how you feel. Scraping by a living on a job that you dislike is enough to dull anyone's soul... I have plenty of experience with that. wink I know it sounds cheesy, but the best way I've found to deal is to glean as much joy as you possibly can from anything else. Don't let your job be your life; do things that interest you, do things that make you happy. You mentioned yoga... why not give that a try? Got any hobbies? Pour your heart into them. Find joy wherever you can, and seize it! (That is, of course, only if these things are not self-destructive. ^_^; ) And remember, you are still young. There's plenty of time for you to turn out to be one of those lucky bastards who make a nice living doing something that they love. Oh, and about the college thing... don't waste your time going back unless you're quite sure that it's for something that you really want to do.

As far as the religion thing is concerned, don't be discouraged that you have not yet found something. The subject of one's spirituality is complicated enough, and feeling as you are could be making things more difficult. As immabee said, you are doing exactly what you need to do for your spiritual life. Keep looking, keep learning, and you'll find something, even if it's purely your own. It may be hard, but it'll be worth while. 3nodding  

[kerryness]

i was/am in a relationship like yours. you can fix the mistake i made, though.

i believed with all of my heart that he would get a job, and through love we could live happily ever after. i believed that we would be able to get through anything together by working together. both of those things are true, but not in our situation. people like you, and me, can't be happy with people like them. you want someone to be there with you, and go through things with you. that's the key word - with.

i've spent hours, days, months wondering if i'm being heartless by expecting so much of him. by expecting him to put the same into our relationship that i put in to it. i've come to realize it's not too much in general, but it is too much for him. he needs someone to take care of him, and i need someone to be there and work through things with me, together. it looks like you are dealing with the same thing with yours.

now i've bought a house with him. we have been in it for one year. things were supposed to change, but they got worse. loan in my name, house in both. all bills in my name. i have to wait until the market picks up again before i can do anything. i tried to make him leave but he won't...i'm trapped...stuck here until the house sells.

i know you think you can work things out with her, and i'm sure she's an awesome girl, but it sounds to me like you two aren't right for eachother. she needs a daddy, and you need a partner.  

[JadeB82]

kerryness

i was/am in a relationship like yours. you can fix the mistake i made, though.

i believed with all of my heart that he would get a job, and through love we could live happily ever after. i believed that we would be able to get through anything together by working together. both of those things are true, but not in our situation. people like you, and me, can't be happy with people like them. you want someone to be there with you, and go through things with you. that's the key word - with.

i've spent hours, days, months wondering if i'm being heartless by expecting so much of him. by expecting him to put the same into our relationship that i put in to it. i've come to realize it's not too much in general, but it is too much for him. he needs someone to take care of him, and i need someone to be there and work through things with me, together. it looks like you are dealing with the same thing with yours.

now i've bought a house with him. we have been in it for one year. things were supposed to change, but they got worse. loan in my name, house in both. all bills in my name. i have to wait until the market picks up again before i can do anything. i tried to make him leave but he won't...i'm trapped...stuck here until the house sells.

i know you think you can work things out with her, and i'm sure she's an awesome girl, but it sounds to me like you two aren't right for eachother. she needs a daddy, and you need a partner.

Have you thought about talking to a lawyer? Most attorneys will do a consultation for about $50. You may have some rights that you do not realize that may get him booted out, or force him into forking over some money.  

[kerryness]

JadeB82

Have you thought about talking to a lawyer? Most attorneys will do a consultation for about $50. You may have some rights that you do not realize that may get him booted out, or force him into forking over some money.

i have, but i don't think i really have any grounds to stand on. his name in on the house, legally he has every right to be here...regardless of whether or not he's paying anything. thank you for the advice, though, i should try it.