I could use some help right now...

[charamath]

I know I haven't been here that long, but I already feel so comfortable, and, in all honesty, I don't know where else to turn. I'm just in a bad way right now. Most of it's because of my break-up with my boyfriend. It wasn't just any old break-up. The two of us were as close to star-crossed lovers as you could find. We knew instantly we were going to marry eachother and both of us were totally comfortable with eachother. He was the first and only person to inspire me to look for a career in art, the first to call me beautiful, and the first to actually like me for my brain more then my looks. He also saved me from my emotionally abusive family. I had never even dreamed of having someone like him, because I always knew I'd never get that kind of life. I mean, my own family has been destroying me emotionally since i could talk. I never fantasied about getting married growing up, to say the least.

Our families never constented. Mine thought him too rich and a liar, his thought me to lower-class and not very attractive. The intense stress of the family tension added to losing my pet dog of 14 years due to neglect from the boyfriend's step-dad and living in a city where I knew no one, and no one spoke english eventually caused me to commit suicide. Something I deeply regret, but I had no one to talk to (Jeff was working 18 hour days for his step dad and I was living across the country from anyone I knew). Anyways, when I died I was kinda given a task. It's rather freaky, but I was somewhere beautiful and green right at the border of light, and someone spoke to me and told me that I was going back and that I was to be given a second chance on the condition that I watch out for Jeff. Jeff's no ordinary person. He's very accident prone, and if doesn't win a nobel prize (or several), I'll be amazed. I was dead for quite a while. At leat 10 minutes. I was dead when they found me, so no one knows for sure. They thought I'd be vegetative, but I came back with absoloutly no lasting affects. Pretty much a medical miracle. The doctors where flabbergasted, as was my family and Jeff, but I knew why. Anyways, Jeff and I proceeded to date. He forgave me, but it was almost as is he never quite trusted me after that.

This last year, we moved in with an old roomate. Unfortunatly, that old roomate (and Jeff's best friend) had gotten heavily into drugs. He had once worshipped Jeff and now Jeff was begging just to get him to play a round of Wolfenstein. It destroyed Jeff. I wanted to get him out, but that just seemed to convince Jeff that I was just starting some feud. Anyways, he started at the school I've always wanted to go to, UW Madison, and I was to join him the next semester. I worked INCREDIABLLY hard that semester just to make him see what he ment to me. If he called at 3am the morning of mid-term exams, I drove down there! (I actually did!). I spent hundreds of dollars and hundreds of hours just making him happy. I didn't resent him for it, because making him happy made me happy. i quite literally draw my reason for living from being there for him.

But his b***h of a sister was always there, whispering in his ear nasty things about me and turning him into a depressed, lonely alchoholic with failing grades. She even went so far as to hack his facebook page to make me think he was cheating on me and telling his mother that he had sex with this other STD-ridden whore that his mother is quite familiar with. She spread rumors about his infedelity like mad. We broke up the end of that semester but he and I continued on almost like nothing had happened. Pretty much it was his way to block me from moving in with him for 'his space', and I couldn't afford the college any other way.

However, life went to heck with the break-up. It was like God just left. I mean, I called the suicide hotline and no-one answered! I walked into church and the priest wasn't there! My family, my best friend, no one answered. All in one day. It was like suicide was being pressed upon me. I eventually got on anti-depressants, but all they did was numb me. My car was broad-sided in a hit and run that my car insurance wouldn't cover, my health insurance canceled me, my parents started talking divorce, my dad lost his job because his knee hurt so much he couldn't work, and then he needed surgery. Since he lost the job, he wouldn't co-sign for a student loan. I had to drop all of my classes. My reputation in my job field was suddenly being attacked by a 14 year old talking total BS, and she was actually costing me sales! Three of my best friends decided it was high-time they made a move for Jeff. A lady ripped me off $300 and almost all my customers just stopped paying me. My family decided that they'd take a life-insurance policy out on me that I didn't even sign. I lost all privacy. It was like anarchy just began to reign within moments. I started buying movies, beer and chocolate on an almost daily basis just to survive the day. What more proof does one need that they're screwed? Life wasn't much better for him, but for some reason he avoided acknowledging that the only time things seemed right was when he was with me.

About two weeks ago, he visited me and all I could see in his eyes was love. He touched my face and kissed me instantly, even though we were suppoused to be meeting to just talk. I could see that he still loved me, but that a false sense of logic seemed to be all that was preventing us. He came so close to being with me again, and I'll admit, I foolishy played to his desires just because I wanted to see him happy. He promised me he'd see me in three days, and then- that was it. He just stopped answering my calls. His family life had gone to hell and his along with it the very next day, and he was blaming me. I felt used. All I sought was an explaination. All I got was ignored calls. So I made one last attempt to talk to him tonight, and it failed miserably. I know I have to move on, but how? How do you move on when you know you're going to hell because you failed in the most important task of your life? How do you trust again when the only person who ever inspired confidence in you lied so much at the end you can no longer trust a word he said? How do you continue on when you poured absoulutly everything you have into something, and get nothing but more heartache in return? I feel like I'm at the end of a dead end road.  

[pretty hate machine]

No one can really tell you want you're supposed to do with your life. That's something everyone has to work out for themselves. Like pd2care said, everyone copes with losses differently.

It's impossible to expect only the good things in life without the bad. You had something that was beautiful and wonderful and totally unique. Just think of it as one of the many masterpieces your life is going to paint you during your lifetime, and its time to make a new one. It'll be tough, but this new experience will also be totally unique and wonderful, but it can't be if you shut you and everyone else out of it. <3  

[Wendy Belle]

God brought you back from death for YOU, and you can repay God by choosing Life. At first, you felt you had a Purpose to "Watch out for Jeff," which you interpreted to watch over him and care for him. You have now fulfilled that purpose. You were there for him in a way no one else had probably ever been there for him. Now, that time has passed, and you are released from any obligation to him. You have not failed. You fulfilled that quest, however it looks to you now. Move on to the next quest. Be open to the new experiences and people God will send into your life. Be looking for the one who will truly cherish you, the way at first Jeff seemed to. You deserve to be with someone who will love you for who you are, forever, and who won't use you, avoid or ignore you. That's what God wants for you, to be with someone who loves you as He loves you, unconditionally. It's okay to let Jeff go. It's hard, and it's sad, and it takes time to heal, but this is not the end. Wonderful surprises are in store for you!  

[Arkjinnahn]

Oh boy, have I been where you are!! My story is different, but still full of tragedy and heartache.

I wish I could tell you what to do and make everything right, but I can't. You do have to find "your own" way. But I can make suggestions and give you a warning.

Stay away from people who bring you down, even if it is family. Hang with the ones who make you feel good about yourself. If there isn't any in your life, then GET OUT, MEET people, and find good ones to make friends with!!!

Don't look for a man to fulfill your life right now. The timing isn't good.

A "co-dependency" group was a help for me. I found it silly and didn't stick with it long, but it did teach me some great tools to use for myself. I found some great books on co-dependency that helped me a lot.

The key is to be selfish for a while. Some people might be turned off by it, but so what?! You have to learn how to think of yourself first and that doesn't come easily. You have to take selfishness a little overboard to gain the normal middle-ground.

The warning? What is happening in your relationship is a huge sign. Don't ignore it like I did. I wasted over 15 years on a relationship with the "love of my life". He truly was and still is my soulmate. BUT... it was a long, grueling, and scary roller coaster ride with him in my life. I had to choose my peace and sanity over him, my love for him, and his extreme neediness to control me.

Please take it slow. Try to find any distraction you can. Don't go back to Jeff! Don't talk to him! (or his friends or family)
Someone will make you feel guilty and/or sorry for him and you won't be able to resist trying to help him some more. You have done enough for other people. Look out for yourself. You sound like a brave and educated woman. Try not to be so down on yourself. Put the suicide attempt behind you and resolve not to ever try that again. Life is short enough as you will find out. The older we get, the shorter life seems to have been.

I have lived through many suicides in my family and being left behind is excruciatingly painful. No matter how low I feel, I now know that I could never bring that kind of pain to my mother and family.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Good Luck and keep on tryin'!  

[Etoile de la Mer]

You seem to be an emotionally dependent person. You need to be needed. You precieved Jeff as needing you and you built your world around him.

That is wrong.

You build your world around you. Not Jeff, not your parents, not your job, not on how much money you make, if you have a perfect body, or whatever. In the end, you only have yourself. It is the one thing no one can take away from you and that's pretty special. The problem seems to be that you don't seem to see yourself as special, only a adjunct of Jeff. You are not. Whether you like it or not, you are an individual who has talents, gifts, opinions, and worth of your own that are dependent on no one and nothing else.

You should allow yourself to grieve for the relationship with Jeff, but is seems obvious that while you were in the world of "star-crossed lovers"/Romeo and Julliet (complete with the wicked famlies dramallama ), he was someplace else. He has moved on and while it seems harsh to cut contact with you like that...

Oh hell... I can understand Jeff. He stepped into your life and gave you the love you were deprived of in your childhood. You, understandably, clung to him and the love he gave. You put him up on the proverbial pedestal. You built your life around him, made him the center of your universe, etc. etc.. That is a lot to ask anyone to live up to. When you had warning signs you overlooked them. ("He wouldn't do that! We're in LOVE! heart heart heart ") He broke up with you and when you met to talk, you took a simple kiss and a touch to mean LOVE heart heart heart . He did the only thing he could to be free: cut all ties. talk2hand

You have been through a rough time, both with Jeff and in your childhood. It would not be surprising that you have issues that need adressing about love, trust, and relationships in general. Go back and ask for different antidepresants. They are individualized things. The body chemestry of one person is different from another. You don't go into a store, try on one pair of shoes, find they don't fit, and give up on shoes, do you? Don't give up on the antidepresants, either. Find one that fits. You might also consider finding a therapist to help you get over the pain you are experiencing instead of trying to do this on your own.

As for the job, I'd need more info to give advice, but I'd take stock of the situation and make a few decisions. 1) Is the situation I am in permenent or will it blow away in a few months? 2) If it is permenent, what options do I have: new job, different position in the company, return to school or retrain for another position. [I changed from one career because of the stress. I was in sales and I spent nights worrying about bills, lawsuits, forms, co-workers stealing my clients, etc. I decided to get a job as a college teacher and while I may have a few issues about student's maturity and intelligence, I find it much more rewarding, relaxing, and I don't have to worry as much about how much money I am making or losing depending on what is going on at work.]

As for the rest...

As the old saying goes, when it rains it pours. I like to think that all the bad is just trying to fit in my schedule so it all occures at the same time. This way the good has more room. biggrin  

[Etoile de la Mer]

And no.

You are not going to hell.

Just because your boyfriend dumped you, you don't get to spend an eternity in hell. He left. Not you. We are all granted free will and his free will chose to leave. You were willing to do your part, so there is no blame on you.  

[Patron with a Mission]

-ponders-

I too have someone like that [one of my exes] that I chose to watch out for, because we promised each other we would take care of each other and be friends even if we stopped being together. I've had a little clinging issue, as well as habitually leaving my shoes in his dorm room sweatdrop

I will be honest though. It sounds like you need time alone, to figure out what you want in life. No, you won't burn for what you did, or didn't do. But you will burn mentally if you keep dedicating yourself to someone who doesn't want you. Save yourself and move on by finding yourself and what you want.

It's a heck of a time trying to figure out the line between dependency and actual love. Take it from a person formerly labeled a co-dependent: it sucks, but moving on is needed. Take the hands of your friends, of your guild members here, of those who will help you help yourself, and be focused on that. When you recover, you will know.

Feel free to add and PM me as needed.  

[charamath]

Thank you for the advice, it helps smile

I did depend on him too much. Not as much because I had to, but because I had so much faith in him. It's just more of a mess now because if he had just broken up with me when things were at their worst- I could have understood that and moved on. But instead he waited until after I worked my a** off making him happy and things were going really well. At that point, it made no sense at all. And also at that point it was him depending on me more then the other way around. It stayed that way until a few weeks ago- with him always calling me for suppourt and comfort. I kind of welcomed the change. What bothers me most is that yeah, he cut me off, but now who does he have to call in the middle of the night? Or to stop him from hurting himself? He still has no friends, and his sister is incrediably abusive to him. I've got my plans laid out and am going to be moving away next semester hopefully, but I'm still worried about his safety.  

[Arkjinnahn]

Please don't worry about him and his safety! That is too sympathetic for you to be. Be Selfish!!! Worry about you instead.

I don't know much about Jeff, but the few details you mention makes me think that he's an emotional vampire. He'll be just fine. Another victim will come along, I'm sad to say, and he will repeat the process again with someone else. Sounds a little like BPD also. (Borderline Personality Disorder)

There are a lot of great books out there to read. Go to the self-help section of your local bookstore. Look for a book on co-dependency. Another good one is, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!". But that one is more about BPD.

Dive into your studies, get new books to read, be active in an old hobby or find a new one, and don't worry about Jeff!  

[Harbone]

Yeah. Remember that unmanned suicide hotline? They could probably use some help.

And, for the sake of the guy you're "looking out for" leave him alone. Don't string the poor man along! If you can cut it off clean, do it.

He's not your responsibility. Sounds like you have enough of those.

Don't get me wrong. If this was an old platonic friend rather than a possible romantic partner, I'd tell you to go with your nurturing side and make a peace gesture. But since there's that element of your heart getting all confused by the lovey-dovey stuff, just get out.

Your lustful heart will screw you over every time!