I guess this is my cry for help...

[elwine]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying and trying and trying and I just can't get out of this rut. I have a dead end job, my car isn't working right and I don't have the money to fix it (I'm currently relying on my boyfriend for rides to work), I'm starting to not be able to afford rent because of everything.

I haven't felt "happy" in like...a month or two. Last time I got like this, I attempted suicide. I really don't want to hurt my boyfriend by doing that again. I'm so afraid of what could happen. I try to stay around people so I don't have the opportunity but that's not always possible. Nothing interests me anymore. Sadly, not even Gaia. I come on to check this guild, and that's about it. I've not posted in my quest or charity in a few days. It just seems like nothing matters anymore. It even got so bad that I told my boyfriend that I don't deserve him and that he should be with someone who's plans work out and don't have so much trouble.

I really want to be in school. But, with everything else, I can't afford it. And, even though I don't live with her or even really talk to her, I still have to use my mom on my FAFSA. She has a factory job. So she makes it so I don't get as much as I need.

I just don't know where else to turn.  

[charamath]

I know how you feel more then you'd think. I've been in such a rut I've pretty much stopped working and just sit here. I've realized that I've gotta get out and applied once again to college, only to have my parents refuse to co-sign a student loan...again... looks like I get to wait until I'm 23 to get my own. I don't think you should have to use your mother's stuff for FAFSA, though I think I may know why- is she still claiming you as a dependent? That's why my FAFSA didn't do diddely. Try to get into college, force yourself to socialize even when you don't feel like it, be greatful you have your boyfriend there for suppourt, and don't think about suicide- trust me, that solves nothing and hurts all those you don't want to hurt. If you feel like it, PM me. We can b***h about life sucking together smile  

[Wendy Belle]

I hope you're taking pd2care and charamath's words of wisdom and encouragement to heart. It sounds like they've been where you are and have come out the other side, or they are in the process you are in, and holding out hope to you.

Sometimes, when we're depressed, we look at the picture of our lives, and we hate what we see. It that's all our life is, we despair and may even think about ending it, as you have thought about suicide. But, life isn't a snapshot, it's a movie. The picture of where you are right now is just one frame in a long roll of film, with hundreds of pictures linking together to make one life. There are plenty more frames in your future that you can't see right now. Every good movie has conflict. (A movie with no conflict is boring and no one would pay money to see it.) Life has conflicts, too, it's part of the human condition. But if you end your life, you never get to find out how it turns out. And, the more conflict and despair in a movie, the more satisfying and joyful it is when we sit through it to the happy ending. (Pursuit of Happyness is a perfect example of this.) So, hang in there, take heart and encouragement where you find it, and believe that there are better things in store for you.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Weird how this morning I had planned to make a similar post. sweatdrop

I only have one other thing to add to what everyone else has said thus far: From someone whose wheels are currently stuck in the mud, the only way to get yourself out is to push the car yourself.

Add me if you wish, and we can chat. I'm here when you need me. 3nodding  

[elwine]

Thank you guys for the great words of wisdom. I feel much better after posting that and actually had a fairly good day. =]

The FAFSA thing -- I just don't get it. I've lived on my own for like four years, and claimed myself every year. But for whatever reason, I'm still considered a dependent. And the only way to not, before being 23, is to go through this lengthy process and an interview with a representative about why you aren't speaking with your parents. It's too much hassle, especially because if I just wait one more year, I can be considered an independent.

And Wendy Belle -- that is the greatest analogy I've ever heard. Would you mind if I made it into a desktop picture for my computer?  

[bakibakikya]

fafsa are real sticklers. but when u turn 24 you no longer have to rely on ur parents money. they take in to account how much umake. thats why i stayed at a JrCollege for so long.  

[Azure Alexea]

I've suffered through simular depression myself. Life was colorless, tastless and nothing I could do ever seemed to work out or be enjoyable. I knew I wasnt feeling like everyone else but I told myself that I could never afford the cost of theropy and believed myself to be strong enough to "just get over it". But the truth is, if it's more then just the blues particularly with sucidal thoughts you cant simply will it away. When I finally decided I needed help, I found out there was a goverment sponsered theropy here in ky called comprehensive care, and that there is a simular place (by different names) in most major cities in the US. If you call the sucide hotline (1-800-Sucide) They can direct you to were you can go. To date Ive yet to spend a dime on the two months worth of Pristiq they gave me and theropy sessions cost me $12 dollars a visit. If you dont think you want medication they can still help you through teaching methods to cope with it more efficently. I cant begin to tell you how much its made life easier having gotten the help. The feelings of worthlessness, thinking Im unable to accomplish anything have been replaced for the first time in my life with a feeling that things are possible and that it can work out. Dont give up hope on yourself <3 you mean more to those who love you then you can ever realize and remember the first step is always the hardest.  

[Etoile de la Mer]

Try and recognize that the problems that you are facing are not permenent. Suicide is. When problems like this start piling up on me I try to focus on what life will be like next year.

When I first went away to college, I lived in a small 19" travel trailer with a malfunctioning bathroom. I had to take showers in a communal shower and since the area I was living in is amazingly rainy, I would have to run from the shower to my trailer in the rain, more often than not and then wipe the mud off when I got "home". My car broke down one week befores school. The only break I got was there was a thrift shop a block away from my "home" and I managed to pick up a used bike for $10. I peddled to school for weeks. I finally managed to get money together (begged my relatives) to fix my car, and the mechanic ripped me off. I was promised a job at a nearby store, but when I showed up to get my schedule, they had hired someone else (the manager's cousin) and didn't need me. I failed all my classes, was living off $500 a month (finacial aide), ate ramen, and still didn't have a car. Life sucked.

I kept going because I kept telling myself that it was only temporary. I kept picturing myself being happy next year, and it worked! Things just started going my way. I got a job, found an apartment close to college that was cheap and provided all utilities, my brother's girlfriend had sold him a car and he didn't want it anymore so I bought it off him by selling my broken car and the trailer, and I actually started passing my classes.

The moral of the story is. Keep telling yourself it's going to be better in the future. It probably will. If you are in college still, go to the medical center and tell them you are suffering from depression (it's very common for people in college to be depressed so don't think you'll shock them). They might give you some antidepresants. If you aren't, try calling the county health department and see if they have any mental health clinics. Counties have some amazing services if you just ask.

Try to be positive (I know it's hard. I'm a depresive too) and keep picturing yourself happy in the future. It gives you a goal to try for and likely succed at. If all your thoughts are black, then that's what your future will become.  

[Harbone]

You're describing a lot of the symptoms of depression and you may want to check into counselling in your area.

I've felt pretty much the same way for some time now, except for the boyfriend part, and I checked around. The place where I live offers free counselling for people suffering the symptoms of depression.

It took me three months to get an appointment, but it was worth it. I'm already starting to regain some control over myself and my life. The place I went has a sliding scale, so I can afford it even though I don't work very often.

I hope you can find some answers, what ever path you choose.  

[RadicalEd]

yeah, until you're 24 or married you've got to use your parent's income. it sucks, i know. i'm even married now i just have never received anything from FAFSA so i don't want to go through all that paperwork for nothing again...so i can't afford school either lol.

but these guys have some good advice. sometimes depression gets to the point, or is, something you can't handle or fix by just being positive or even changing aspects of your life. honestly sometimes you need outside help, and if it's getting to be too hard don't feel bad about trying to find some. For me (not saying its like this for you or anyone else) medication was the only thing that helped for awhile, and i found out later on that several people in my family actually suffer from depression as well. it is an illness, don't forget that.  

[Harbone]

Don't worry about federal student aid when looking to get your depression handled, especially if you're under 24, just talk to community organizations!

Catholic charities, for instance. Also, try calling various mental health centers in your area.