Life vs. Love - Chaos Rising

[Exor Omega]

First of all, I'd like to congratulate us for being so supportive to one another. I have not seen such bravery and benevolence.

Secondly, I'd like to thank you for looking into my idiotic little rant here... The way I am prevents me from taking full advantage of your advice, however, because I feel like this is my last blast as far as love is concerned. Yes, I know I'm only 23, but I just am not in it anymore.

STEP 1: SYNOPSIS: "EXOR OMEGA"
Born in Georgia, USA. Moved to Tennessee at age 3. Parents divorced at age 7; father went to prison, he, his mother and sister were taken in by his aunt in Michigan - father's family in Tennessee would not take them in, despite their ability to do so easily. Suffered a major mental break due to those events; an entity that came to be known as Nightmare took control. Persona went from caring and sweet to heartless and violent. Manipulated, cheated, used people against each other. Was convinced that his calling in life was to dispell the illusion of happiness in the lives of others. Fell for a girl that would have nothing to do with him. Entered into a relationship with another girl as an alternative to suicide. Was abused in many ways by this girl for three years. Entered into an online relationship with an illusory girl in Canada. Spent a sum of money and time making her happy and trying to get to her only to find out that the three years he remained faithful to her was a lie. Suffered another mental break due to that and other contributing factors at the time. Entered into another relationship with the first girl mentioned. That did not go well for a number of years; he stayed around for her family more than for her. During that time, something thought to be God stepped in and severely damaged Nightmare, relegating contol of Exor Omega back to himself. The relationship with this girl ended in chaos. The hostile 'persona' called Nightmare was destroyed by a restored Exor Omega. Gave up on women and relationships; got his own apartment in the next town over. Met a girl at random that managed to get his attention. Started spending time with this girl, 5 years his junior, and fell for her. Dating her for over a year at the time of this writing.

STEP 2: RECENT EVENTS: "FLOOD OF A LIFE"
The girl I'm with now was a high school dropout living with her trailer trash mother in an apartment overrun with filth and vermin with aspirations to be a stripper when I met her working at the SubWay across the street from my apartment. I was originally seeing her as a friend and someone to do things with in this town. As I spent time with her, I fell in love with her for her innocence, her spirit, and her sweet nature. I will also admit that in part, I felt that I had to break the cycle and get her to reach some modicrum of her potential. So we started dating last year. Because of the mere mention of it from me, she moved back in with her father, a career soldier, and started going back to school. Things worked well while she was an hour away doing her thing. We talked every night and played on the computer when we could, but she did well in school.

She stayed the summer with me in my apartment, and upon the agreement that her passing the GED would save time, she was to stay and accomplish that task so that she wouldn't have to be away from me anymore.

I'd like to cite a major error here. I should have had her get her GED before letting her move in with me.

STEP 3: THE PROBLEM: "UNDER PRESSURE"
I'm running out of time to write this right now and I'm wanting to get down to the point, so forgive me if the structure of this piece isn't all it should be.

Now, I fell in love with her for the aforementioned reasons. I love very passionately - I do most everything very passionately. I feel like if I'm not doing something 'fun' or 'useful' to the maximum, I'm not living.

I've been at this damnable security job for over a year now - something I did not want to come to pass. It used to pay the bills, but it cannot support two.

I have a 6-year associate's degree from the community college. That was fault on my end, the system's end, and life's end. I intended to be in school right now, but financials have crumbled.

She has not had a job since she was living with me. I had to take her by the hand and watch her like a hawk to get her to do anything. I call myself a lazy person, but then I don't have a term for her that way except very lazy. She's immature, has no drive, does not show ambition, and is holding me back in life. She got hired in at the Wendy's near my apartment. By near, I literally mean across the back lawn and onto their property. She still managed to get there late, despite the fact I programmed the clock 5 minutes fast. She got fired. She has yet to put in any other apps to my knowledge.

I love this girl. My friends and family say she's the best thing to ever happen to me. But she is dragging me down. I spend my days after work with her doing little and the weekends we all go out with my friends.

Last night, my engaged friends came over and we watched a movie. Movie ended, and the girls started playing around. I found myself bored quickly. They decided they wanted to go get ice cream at 11:30 at night... I said I didn't want to go. So they leave, and I figure they'll be gone for 20, 30 minutes and be back. So I wake up from my half-asleep state at about 20 later. Then 30 hits. I called her phone to see what was going on. Her phone rings in the other room. I call my friend to see what was going on. His phone rings in the other room. Then an hour passes. Then two. Then I decide I have to go to sleep so that I can be here working today.

I see my girlfriend this morning and am informed that they went to get ice cream then the other girl wanted to go home so they went home and played video games and whatever. No heads up to me. No nothing.

Call me crazy, but I want control over my loved ones' wellbeing. I want them to be safe and sound and happy. I do whatever I can to meet these ends. I want to provide for them and make their lives easier. But I can't do that. Not without funding, and definitely not when they pick up and leave for the entire night.

This is killing my spirit - I'm getting increasingly irritable and I've noticed abusive. This is killing my life - I'm not in school or even registered. I'm not getting my certifications. I'm not getting anywhere.

STEP 4: RESPONSE: "OPEN YOUR EYES"
This is the part where you wisened souls react to the above and convey your wisdom to me. I'm giving her deadlines and 'or else's, but it's still a drain. I want a partner, not a child to take care of.  

[shall she sail seas]

You say you want a partner, not a child to take care of. However, even from the beginning it seems that your actions are more along the lines of treating her as a child rather than an equal.

Besides her character, part of reason you mentioned for falling in love with her was because you saw more potential in her than she did of herself. In a word, you're already imposing a higher standard upon her, similar to what a proper father figure would do for their own children.

Secondly, you were the one to program the clock 5 minutes early in order to get her to arrive at work on time. In a way, that is a bit too controlling. She should be the one to find out where her motivation comes from, what methods of keeping her job works best for her, and applying them. While your intentions are good, you're still imposing your methods upon her. Suggestions like "Maybe you should set the clock faster" is fine. Actually doing it yourself, probably not.

Thirdly, this is more of a communication/reminder problem than anything. She didn't realise you would worry about her probably because she's used to not having a curfew at home. She's now using the same system with which she's comfortable in a new location, but you're not used to it. All this really requires is for you to tell her that you worry about her safety, that you only need a brief phonecall whenever she is arriving late for something. Whether or not she understands and starts figuring out a compromise will depend on how much she respects you and your relationship together.

Again with the father-figure image when you say you want to provide for her, when you want her to be safe and happy. None of those are fully your responsibility. She is the one who has to get what she want from you, by asking, by gaining your trust and confidence in her, by working hard and being accountable for herself.

Those are things she can only do only if she WANTS to do them. If she doesn't, it's not up to you to control her and say she should. It's not up to you to prescribe what is best for her life, even if it's blatantly obvious. Her wants may be different from yours and you need to respect that.

Mind you, all I can really do here is to critique you from the situation you've mentioned because she isn't giving me a second point of view. The only thing you can improve is yourself, and I can give suggestions for that. I'm not about to impose suggestions upon a person I haven't even talked to.  

[Harbone]

My wife and I are having a similar problem. She'd like more freedom to explore the world and hang out while I get concerned for her safety.

I'd like her to leave a message saying where she's gone or at least know where I can tell the police to start looking if she vanished for a day or two.

She'd rather have more freedom and worries about the consequences of, say, getting drunk when out with friends. I don't make much money, either.

Anyway, we're pretty much headed for divorce and we've planned a trial separation in December.

What I'm saying is: your girlfriend wants her freedom and you can't take it from her. It is going to hurt like hell, but it's better to go it alone than force someone to stay with you who hasn't worked out their party instincts, yet.

Just sit her down, give her some time to get a new place to stay (it might be a few months in this economy) and explain you care for her and want her to be happy, but you can't be happy if you have to worry about her all the time. You need your own life and some measure of emotional security, too!  

[Exor Omega]

UPDATE: LAST NIGHT: "THE TALK"
So I went out before I went home so I could cool down. After some bad food and a milkshake, I did go home and we had a long talk. She says she can see where I'm coming from now and is going to do better.

I still have her listed as on her last life, though. I gotta get stuff straightened out for me so that I can live my life. "It's not a perfect life, but it's one I can live with," as Zeromancer says.

@Nom: Interesting perspective - that's a new one on me. And the clock was originally set that way so that I get to work with plenty of time for catching all three red lights.  

[midara the happy banshee]

I agree with Nom. You express frustration about parenting her, yet her need for a good authority figure is one of the reasons you fell for her, and you express pride in being a good influence. Saying you want control over her well-being is, well, saying you want to parent her. I think it is unfair for you to act as a parent and treat her like a child and then be ready to banish her when she acts like one. I think you guys need to talk about your relationship dynamic in general in addition to any discussion you may have about your specific concerns.  

[TheHellDevil]

Last life? This sounds very video game-ish to me. What does it really entail? What's the action(s) that will actually make you decide to break up with her once and for all? I can understand giving her some sort of ultimatum, but is she aware of it?

About the clock: then why did you include it in your OP? The way you original wrote it made it seem like you were doing it for her.  

[bandaidd]

Read carefully the viewpoint of Nom.
Then consider: Do you really love her, or the image of who she could be?
Are you the kind of person who feels fulfillment saving others?
We often derive our value from things we accomplish, and feel like a failure when our goals are set too high or stumbling stones are set in our path.

I was in love with a guy once. I wanted to be everything he wanted me to be. Every word was a kiss or a knife, depending on if he approved what I was wearing, doing, saying. He had expectations I was clueless about until he gave me "talking to's". I am not saying I am her...

I just wondered if she is doing the same thing I did and if she will always feel inadequate. I clung to that relationship, because being alone was so horrifying.

All kinds of random thoughts are going through my head. Ask her where she sees herself in a few months or a year... As a more experienced person you could ask her if she's doing what she needs to to be where she wants to. Try not to butt in and tell her what you want, just listen and try to understand her.

Maybe you will in love all over again and find a way to make it work together. Maybe you will both decide to part ways.

Time is a river and you are in a raft. If you both pull together and are united in purpose you'll get where you want to go.

(ramble, ramble)  

[Etoile de la Mer]

At the grand old age of 23, you are going to call it quits? Really... pull yourself out of the drama trench and clear your head... dramallama Tell me it's your last blast at love when your eighty, maybe then I'll believe you. That statement is about as believable as a 13 year old saying that they've found the love of their life... Believe me, if some of the ninty year olds I have met could read this they'd laugh their heads off at you. One lady I know at the grand young age of 83 is going to get married for the third time (previous husbands died including a husband of 45 years) and she is looking forward to her new life.

What you might need is time to discover who you are. It seems you bounce from relationship to relationship. You should ask yourself why you do that.

What you might need most is time to yourself without being in a relationship. Contrary to what some people believe, you can be wonderfully happy without having someone to date or live with.

A good relationship starts with knowing who you are, being in a good place in your own life, and wanting to have someone share that place with you. Trying to save someone when you yourself need help is too draining. Fix yourself first, then decide if you want to fix someone else's problems.

Take a break.

You can't save someone from themselves. You might wish you could, but look at your own history. Can you really say you can even save yourself, much less someone else?

Go take care of yourself. If this means the end of the relationship, maybe that is what needs to be done.

At some point, she is going to have to take responsibility for her own life, her own decisions, and her own fate. So do you. Instead of looking back over the past and all the sh!t that's fallen on you, look forward and try to figure out how to best move to a place where you are happy, healthy, and strong.

Considering your past, you might consider counseling. Check with your local department of health. They might have community outreach programs or something that might assist you since it seems finances are a problem.  

[Harbone]

There's also something I'd like to add: you don't owe this girl protection from anyone except yourself.

You are probably a great guy (I can't really tell from reading a post, but it's not like the advice in this thread wouldn't apply to anyone, anyhow.)
She probably has nothing to fear from you, anyway. But you aren't there to protect her from the world unless she asks you to do so.

(And if she does ask for that, then she needs professional help, not a boyfriend!)  

[Exor Omega]

Take a break is the prevalent advice I'm getting. Not sure that I want to.

It comes down to how much do I love her and how much do I want this relationship to work? I have no concrete answers, especially for the latter.

Regardless of all other factors, stated or not, I do not, bar nothing, want to raise her as my child. I'm officially out of the saving/fixing people business. If that's the way it has to be, then count me out.

I want to be able to provide her and my eventual family (That's an amusing anecdote at this time) with everything they need and want. I'm old fashioned that way. I want to be the provider, not the father. The husband, partner, etc. I don't want to run her life and mine, too.

On the contrary, I think I need someone who will take charge and alleviate the things that are detracting from what I need to do in order to achieve the state of providence I'm striving for. Does that make sense? So like, the house gets kept and the small stuff isn't an issue so that I can focus on the big things.

For the expectations, I feel like I don't express this to its fullest. I am ambitious, to put it lightly. I want people to be their best for themselves. If they have no interest in that, then they're on their own. But I wanna be Henry Ford to sum it up. I wanna change the world and leave a legacy. I can't do that by working security.

arrow I wanna have it all and I want it right now, I wanna have it all and I want it now! / So here we go, reload, another round and pull - we're spinning out until our heads explode, and so I guess, we, know, how far we have, to, go... We're on a mission to destroy the world we know... ~Zebrahead's Broadcast to the World  

[Harbone]

Well, if you want an old-testament style wife, you should look to your church or temple or where ever you go. There's bound to be women there dying for a chance at that kind of relationship. It's unfair to turn someone who wants to be free into an instrument for your providence.

And from everything you've said, your girlfriend still wants to be free.

Also, maybe she doesn't want a provider. Clearly she doesn't know what she wants, but anyone who runs around like that sure as heck doesn't want a provider.

She's probably just scared of losing her center.  

[shall she sail seas]

Being ambitious about yourself is perfectly fine. Don't impose your ambitiousness upon others. Especially, don't impose your version of what a person's greatest potential is.

I guess this was why I detected the father figure image in you.

I've learnt the hard way that the things in which I excel are the things I want to keep as lifelong hobbies instead of a career. Many elder peers imposed my talents upon me and it took more than 8 years for me to stop doing what other people THOUGHT I should be doing. I've only recently recovered from this and started pursuing an education that I feel can become a career to lead a balanced life.  

[Exor Omega]

Well, we're coming right down to it, my friends.

I've had a Last Talk with her a few times now, and this one is to be final. She has an obligation to my cousin tomorrow night, and after that's over, IT's over.

There's too much conflict because of too little getting done, and although I love her more than anythin I've ever encountered, she is causing me to sink like dead weight around my ankles, and I can't swim for much anyway. My only course of action is to cut and run.

It's harsh, it's imposing, but it's also my last plan. If anything more goes wrong, she's past tense. *I* have a life to live, and I can't do that if I'm micromanaging her every movement. That's not how I want to live.

Her stepmother wanted to know when we were gonna pick up my girlfriend's things from the trailer. Turns out we're not; we're gonna drop her back there and go home alone.

Sure, it's a b***h and I hate it and I'm almost afraid of it at this point, but it must be done. I refuse to go down like this.

It's not going to happen.

...I used to say "I'm going to hell [for this]" before I started dating her... Seems I was correct yet again... ...I really gotta quit that shlit...  

[Taxi Mama]

My condolences. Better luck next time. Sometimes what's fun for an evening or a weekend isn't good for us full time.

My sister's first self-selected living situation was in a rent house with her three favorite party guests. After 6 months, they weren't her friends anymore, because she was doing all the shopping, cleaning, & laundry, and they were borrowing & ruining her nice things. Now she selects roommates that respect her boundaries and do their share, regardless of whether they liven up a party.

Life partners have to mesh even better. If there's a mis-match, you have to talk it out. And if you don't much talk, or one of you isn't willing/able to compromise, then you can't be happy living together.

I had to get rid of a really fun sweet husband because he stopped doing chores, and then started spending his play time with other women when I got too busy to play. And by that time, I was feeling like more of a parent to him than a wife, so it was time to let him go. So yeah, I get it.  

[TamlinSan]

Exor Omega

Well, we're coming right down to it, my friends.

There's too much conflict because of too little getting done, and although I love her more than anythin I've ever encountered, she is causing me to sink like dead weight around my ankles, and I can't swim for much anyway. My only course of action is to cut and run.

It's harsh, it's imposing, but it's also my last plan. If anything more goes wrong, she's past tense. *I* have a life to live, and I can't do that if I'm micromanaging her every movement. That's not how I want to live.

If you are micro-managing her actions, she'll probably be relieved in the long run about this break up. You really should look at what you want. If you want someone who is intelligent, independent, and a hard worker, your micro-managing would destroy the relationship quick, leaving them feeling resentful and angry. No intelligent adult likes to be told what to do and how to do it. (Your girlfriend's behavior might be a passive-aggressive way to show that fustration and anger.) That you would even try to micro-manage someone else's time really points out that you need to stop and consider just what you are doing. Why do you believe that you have the right to tell someone else how they should live, what they should do, or anything else? Giving advice is okay, but in the end the other person has to either accept it or leave it. You can't make that choice for them. To tell another this is what you have to do and then get angry when they decide not to do it is not okay.

I speak from experience. My brother, an alcoholic, tries to micro-manage everyone around him, leaving a trail of anger, fustration, and pure bad feelings in his wake. It is psychologically damaging to another to have someone tell you that you are too incompetent (either by words or by actions) to live your own life, so someone else has to shoulder that burden. Thus making you feel as if you were a burden. When people do not do as he says, (he's done this so long that even any good advice he says is now discounted) he gets angry and starts explaining just how incompetent the other is. This of course leads to more anger, more fustration, and pure resentment. He feels angery that they aren't doing what he told them to do.

Does this sound pleasent to you? Does this sound like someone you would cry about if they told you to leave and not come back? Is this who you want to be?