What do I do?

[queen of qeeks]

I've been so confused by the way a friend of mine has been acting. Here's the back story:

I've known her for about 3 years now, and we're very close. I consider her my best friend. Last year we went out to eat together like we've done thousands of times, and were ordering the same exact thing. When it came time to give our orders, she told me to go first, so I just ordered for both of us since it were the same. After we were alone at the table again, she started commenting about how it had turned into a date and teased me about whether or not I was going to pay too. I thought she was just joking, so I laughed, but several minutes into dinner, she kept bringing it up. I said it was not a date and I just thought it was easier if instead of the poor guy writing everything I said down only to hear her say "same," he just knew we were getting the same thing. Friends have done it to me before, and I've done it to other friends. It never got weird.

In any case, I was upset after she spent the whole dinner bringing up how it was a date and basically blamed me for ruining the meal. Things were weird for me after that, especially when she'd bring it up randomly when we were talking. Eventually, she stopped mentioning it, and it seemed to be forgotten.

Last night we went out for pizza together, which is the first time we've gone to dinner alone since that whole "date" issue. I said what I wanted and she kept telling me it wasn't enough and I should order more food and when I said I didn't want to eat too much, she replied with, "This isn't a date. You don't have to try to impress me."

I don't quite know what to do about all this. She's made it quite clear that she is straight, and she knows that I too am straight, yet I don't understand why she keeps making things uncomfortable by implying that I am hitting on her, and adding that she's not interested. I've spoken to her about similar things she's said and told her she has nothing to fear...I do not want to date her. Yet, she keeps this up. What does it all mean?

Should I say something to her? What should I do? I'm really confused, and I feel like I'm at wits end with all this. It got to the point where I had to stop and look back at myself because I thought maybe I was a lesbian and I was just in denial...but that's not the case. We used to be physical in the sense that we'd hug a lot and cuddle and tickle one another, but now I dont feel comfortable doing any of that with her for fear she'd accuse me of trying to get in her pants or something.

Please don't mistake this for an anti-lesbian rant. That's not what it is at all. Also, I'm quite sorry about the length of this post. This has been on my mind for months and I haven't been able to tell anyone. Any advice would be adored.

Thank you.  

[Wixandrettas]

Promise, no anti-lesbian rants will ever come from me... cool

Sounds like to me that she may not be truly straight, or perhaps she believes to be straight but perhaps might not be on a subconscious level...
I mean, why else would she pull a "its a date" crap in one, then.. next, "its not a date you know?"...

To me, Im seeing her as either one of two things:

She is subconsciously a lesbian/testing the waters out

or two,

playing a nasty game and perhaps felt she was giving you back 'medicine' by making the "you dont have to prove anything" attitude.


Perhaps, if you believe yourself to still be friends with her, I would have a heart-to-heart with her. Explain that your friendship means alot and that you are not interested in a relationship with her, not out of lack of interest, but that your friendship together is important.

If she continues on this bitter path, I would be questioning her validity in this arrangement and perhaps it wouldnt be a good idea to maintain a friendship where clearly her intentions have been demonstrated...  

[Mikiba]

I would just talk to her about her behavior. Maybe something happened with a girl that she's just afraid to talk about. If at all, maybe talking to her will help ease her a bit. I wouldn't be too worried, but the whole date thing sounds like something may have happened that you don't know about. Talking is always best. :]

And don't worry about being anti-lesbian. You didn't discriminate :3  

[charamath]

I'd have to say it's one of two things- either she's unsure of her own sexual orientation or, most likely, she's had an akward situation with someone else that has caused her to 'feel out' every seemingly intimate moment with you because she is now afraid or awkward of them. Have you talked to any other close, female freinds of hers who may have gone out to eat with her alone and noticed something similar?  

[Exor Omega]

For the record: I am pro-lesbian.

Half joke out of the way, I just wanted to add that the whole thing may be benign and she may just be making bad jokes that you're over analyzing (I'm prone to over analyzing things).

The course of action to take remains the same, however: You should talk to her and tell her how you feel and/or how she's making you feel. Girls tickle and hug and whatnot, and that doesn't make them homosexual; it just makes them silly (This is coming from a guy, afterall razz ). It's good to have close friends like that; you just need to tell her that this date stuff is really gettin to you and making you uneasy and affecting the dynamic of your friendship. The rest should either be "Oh, OK, my bad, I'll knock it off," or something to the effect of "You're overreacting! etc." in which case I'd be more leery of this girl. Regardless, you should speak to her about the issue(s) at hand.

Hope that helps!  

[queen of qeeks]

I guess no matter what this means, I've got to talk it over with her, huh? Haha...I'll muster up my courage and bring it up one afternoon this week. Thanks for the help guys. <3  

[Mystic12]

It sounds like to me that someone has made a comment or she heard gossip going around that she might be lesbian that is why she is still single. I am guessing both of you are single ...correct.  

[queen of qeeks]

Mystic12

It sounds like to me that someone has made a comment or she heard gossip going around that she might be lesbian that is why she is still single. I am guessing both of you are single ...correct.

Correct.  

[lady ayami chan]

not sure if this may be helpful to you but
I had a very similar situation with a close lady friend.
She would often say things to me like "are you staring at my breasts" or make weird comments to me that would insinuate that I was attracted to her. But they were out of line and I in fact was never doing these things to her. I am not anti-lesbian, but I am straight. I continued to be friends with her and just sort of ignored her random "you have a crush on me" comments. Later she made a switch into - I have a cousin who saw your picture and thinks you're atractive and wants to meet. This went on for awhile where she would bring me gifts from this "cousin" until she had me really excited about the whole thing. Then she told me it was all a lie and that she was the one giving the gifts and she thought it was hilarious.

She still makes comments to me about how I'm staring at her butt or that I tried to kiss her or just crazy thing. She thinks that it is some joke between us maybe, but I have never found it funny and she knows that. We in fact did talk about it and as she put it she was the "queen of lies" - but she is now on her third failed relationship with a guy. She only dates guys that buy her objects to show their affections and is never satisfied with what she gets.

I dunno if your situation was anything like min eI think your friend just has some issues... Whatever they may be. I don' tthink it really has anything to do with you.  

[Harbone]

Also, maybe someone told her YOU were a lesbian and she's confused about it. If a mutual acquaintance convinced your friend that you're the lesbian in the relationship, but that you're also in denial, it could be very hard to convince her otherwise.

This also begs the question: why would someone say that about you?
Compliment? Malice? Misinterpretation? Wishful thinking?

Every denial would become a confirmation, every question an evasion.
Tricky things, our perceptions of others.

If you're uncomfortable with it, then you'll have to work it out somehow. Personally, I'd be flattered if someone thought I was gay... but that hasn't happened since I was in gradeschool.  

[queen of qeeks]

Harbone

Also, maybe someone told her YOU were a lesbian and she's confused about it. If a mutual acquaintance convinced your friend that you're the lesbian in the relationship, but that you're also in denial, it could be very hard to convince her otherwise.

This also begs the question: why would someone say that about you?
Compliment? Malice? Misinterpretation? Wishful thinking?

Every denial would become a confirmation, every question an evasion.
Tricky things, our perceptions of others.

If you're uncomfortable with it, then you'll have to work it out somehow. Personally, I'd be flattered if someone thought I was gay... but that hasn't happened since I was in gradeschool.

I'd be flattered if she was saying it in a "I think you're amazing, I want to be with you" kind of way. But she's not.

It's more of a "ew, stop hitting on me" sort of comment.  

[Harbone]

Yeah, then maybe you better have a long talk.

Not.. get together for a meal and buddying around kind of talk, but more... you're bugging me and we'd better get this straightened out.

I have NO idea how you're going to do that, though. I've never really had to have one of those kind of talks... er... outside of therapy.

I suppose you could just phone your friend up and say "Something's come up. We need to talk. When can you spare a couple hours?"

I'm told that works, but, like I said, I've never done it before.  

[queen of qeeks]

I brought it up with her and we spoke about it for a bit. Things seem pretty fixed so far. Whoever said it was because someone else had suggested she was a lesbian was right. I set things straight between us. Thanks everyone who helped me out <3 <3 <3