Serious Sister Issues -Please Help-

[Fallicious Flavor]

I would like to take this time on October 28th, 2008 to express the extent of my impatience and stress I am currently feeling with my sister Beth. She has often showed up unannounced to the residence where we currently reside andbrings with her my oldest neice Jenna. She has made broken promises about rehablitating herself and finding a house for her and her children. She pays nothing to the house and thinks that small time chores are good enough. We currently stay in a predominantly suburban area and as you know, rent does not come cheap. It is shared by all there, except her. She seems to have limitless excuses to con her way into our lives just so she can sit on her own throne and demand unwanted attention.

Her abilities as a parent to my neice are at best…mediocre. Prior to her pregancy, she was a wild child and had complete disregard for not only family, but authority in general. Many who know my sister can describe her as being too independent, choosing to live her life the way she wants to. This includes the prementioned statement of generally living for free. It was not put in that way of course, but that is another way of describing her way of living with others.

Well after pregnancy and following the birth of my neice, Beth thought that she could continue with ‘The Simple Life’, only to find that it was just not that easy anymore. She also had an on/off boyfriend named Fred, who is the father of my neices. He was more or less stable, had a good job and even offered for her to stay in his house wit him. My stubborn sister decides that suddenly having a family was just too much for her to handle, so in typical Beth style, she dumps him and moves away. This was some time ago when things with the other family were ‘cool’.

Since then, she has had my second neice who she gave to my mother. She has been to numerous shelters and has come back with nothing to show for it. She spends a lot of her time now just ignoring her own child and talking on Facebook, spreading lies of her maternal skills, come to think of it, she talks to family and friends as if she has no child. I am very much fed up with this crap she calls living and I would like her her to smarten the hell up. I would like some support on this matter and would like to thank you for taking the time to read this.

I know that she is an unfit mother and would like to offer interference, but I recognize that I am not maternal to children under 6 years old. Besides, my neice is already at the point in her life where ‘mom’ matters and gets very upset if she can not see her after a short period of time. My father wants to raise my neice, but in his condition, he is unable to.  

[elwine]

This sounds very similar to the situation I'm in with my sister (turning 19 in December, has a 15 month old and one on the way, married [but he barely works and she doesn't so living situations are not the greatest]).

But I've just been trying to help the best I can. She comes to you when she needs help. Just remember not to help her so much to the point where you are out of a place to live/money/ect. But try to offer advice and such.

I know it's not much, but I'm actually running out of ideas as well. Everytime I talk to my sister, she ends up getting mad at me and not speaking to me for a few days.  

[Fallicious Flavor]

You are in the same predicament as I am and I am glad that you know where I am coming from. My sister has been rather difficult following her 13th birthday. She is now 21 and in my eyes, she has not changed at all. I want my neice to be happy and live the life we never had a chance to.
I know that every parent wants that for their child, but she is my neice and I worry more about her than my sister does. If my maternal instincs are already non existant, I would normally try and raise her myself, but my lack of maternal skills and getting over my own issues is stopping me.  

[Taxi Mama]

If you want to raise the girl yourself, and prevent the mother from running off with her, you'll have to get Child Protective Services involved. That'll ruin your relationship with your sister, but it should work, if she has no home and no job.

But seriously, there is no parenting instinct. It's a combination of caring about others, figuring out what needs doing, and taking responsibility for getting it done. If you already love the child, parenting is it's own reward. Not easy, but worth it, when you see the love coming back at you!

If you decide not to try for custody, you can still be a force for good. Treat the girl well, and she'll notice. Offer her what she need in an affectionate way, be a good example, and talk about how choices bring consequences. Kids aren't stupid; they can learn from anyone who keep showing up, not just mom.  

[Fallicious Flavor]

I am planning to have a long talk with her soon. She needs to see the situation from another person so that perhaps she will open her eyes to the fact that what she is doing is wrong. I am going to pray that she understands and will improve herself so that she can be a better parent. I would love to step in and raise my neice, but I lack any of the proper skills or instincts a woman should have towards a child. I onlt gain these after the child turns 6. I dont know why this is, but I have watched children at that age and i find that is the age I am most comfortable with children.  

[Taxi Mama]

Well, certainly knocking sense into your sister's head would be the best thing for everyone. But I'm sure if you decided to, you could raise your neice.

I don't like babies or toddlers, but my 2 turned out okay. My first one would cry for no reason sometimes for hours, and I just kept doing everything in the book, over and over: fresh diaper, feeding, bath, lotion, wrap tightly in a blanket, go for a walk, sing & rock for 5 minutes, leave in the crib for 15 minutes, then start over. I felt utterly incompetent, but she's now 17 and seems to be a lovely young lady, creative, expressive, full of mischief and joy.

So don't think you can't parent; just think whether you'd do a better job than your sister will.  

[bbydaeriel93]

My friend is in a very similar situation. All you can really do is be there for your niece. Make her dinner, buy things for her, show her you care, even if it doesn't come naturally physically.

Keep talking to your sister. Make it a point to show her that you love her but strongly disagree with her lifestyle. She'll probably get offended, but still you can love her anyway.  

[charamath]

Have you tried talking to the father? By the sounds of it, he was far more responsible and he may want to try and step in. At least then the girl would be with one of her parents.

I do agree though that when a situation calls for it, your mother intincts will come right out no matter what the age.  

[Wixandrettas]

Without saying it directly, you are making it sound like she/they are living with you?

With all due respect, family or not, if they cant live by the rules that have been put into place, they need to find another place to go. Years ago, my aunt came knocking on my door, crying because she and her son (18 yr old)got evicted. Asked if they could stay with me until they could find another apartment.

Told them they would have to sign a contract to a list of agreements. They both looked at me in horror! 'WHY WOULD FAMILY HAVE TO DO THIS?"... I told the both of them that if they need a TEMPORARY place, its not going to be a problem if they sign an agreement. Half Rent, Half utilities, pay for your OWN food, do your OWN laundry, pick up after yourself, NO UNINVITED SLEEPOVERS OF THE SON, no smoking because my daughter is highly allergic.

They were both angry but signed it. I told them that family or not, they need to be responsible. My landlord agreed with everything and put his signature on it. The landlord put a stipulation in there that "if at any time there is a violation, the landlord will agree to have them removed"...

Sure enough within the first month, my cousin tried having a female friend over night. I busted in the spare room to find them in the middle of having sex. So, I threw the both of them out.

His mother (my aunt) was FURIOUS that I did that. I looked her straight in the face to tell her that her son was 18, agreed to the contract AND HE NEVER STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT THE FACT I HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD in the apartment who doesnt need to hear them 'go' at it.

When I went in the room, I found his personal belongings, one of which was a backpack filled with porno magazines. I threw it in the dumpster. My cousin started to climb in the dumpster to retrieve it while cussing at me at the same time. Again, told him this trash is not acceptable in my home where I have children.

My aunt left trying to demand her rent back. Looked at her, showed her a copy of what she signed.. "money paid towards your share of the rent will not be reimbursed if you are asked to leave or leave on your own accord".. She was pissed off! LOL Told her that you and your son made WRONG choices.

The entire month they didnt bother looking for an apartment. But definitely chopped up their own dignity when I threw them out. Landlord was standing by to help as promised...

Do I regret doing that? Absolutely not. Does it bother me that I did that to family? Absolutely not.

If your sister is living with you and is not conforming to the agreement set up, you have the right to kick her out. The one thing for sure that you dont want to do is to enable her either.

I can understand where youre coming from about the niece. But, she is not your responsibility. I am not trying to be cold and harsh, but its the truth. Both of them are not your responsibility if your sister is consistently problematic.

If you truly feel there is an area of concern... get the father involved, get CPS involved.  

[Creator Nan]

I had a sister that was the same way. I ended up with custody (temporary) of her son until she got clean again. She then got into another man and her situation was not well, I called child protective services and now the father has permanent custody. My sister hates me and has nothing to do with me, but it was in the best interest of my nephew.