Friend turn roommate problems

[Areashine]

Alright, here I go with a really long story.

One of my best friends from high school has moved in with myself and my boyfriend. He used to live with us in our apartment, but moved out with his boyfriend just one story down from us. I left for the summer to MA for an internship and missed my boyfriend dearly. After three months, I came back to a new home since my boyfriend moved while I was gone and went to live with him in our happy new home. However, my best friend is not doing too well with his boyfriend: cutting himself to show his devotion and his boyfriend slashing his body whenever my friend doesn't pay attention to him.

I knew without a doubt that this was incredibly unhealthy and told my friend that he was staying at my place for awhile to get away from these problems. Staying with my and my boyfriend for a few days turned into moving in back with us. However, we're having problems.

My boyfriend pays for most of the rest (about $600 or so) because he has a great paying, full time job. I pay the utility bills ($200 or so) because I only have a part time job (sucking economy and still in school part time). My roommate pays for the groceries because he is still under lease for his apartment so he still have to pay his ex-boyfriend rent. He doesn't have a lot of money, has a suckier job than I do, and goes to school full time.

I do most of the cleaning around the house because I don't pay a lot, I ask my roommate to help, but he never does it no matter how much I ask him. He goes out and parties all the time and gets very drunk while spending a lot of his money. He cries to me and I try to pick up the pieces, but the next day, he forgets all I've said and goes making the same mistakes again. He's highly dramatic and it's very tiresome. My boyfriend buys his own food because it seems that my friend can't afford it, but then my friend goes and eats all of his food. He also has no car and seems to expect that I always pick him up from work when he is perfectly capable of taking the local bus.

I'm not sure what to do, he's trying to save money to go to Mexico for school and will be leaving in January, but I don't know if I can take him anymore. My boyfriend and I want privacy that we weren't able to have ever, but can now since we can afford it. I'm stressed out dealing with my friend, and I still have my own problems to figure out, most being financial.

What would you guys suggest? Kick him out, talk to him (though I have many times before), or just let him stay until he leaves for Mexico?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond.  

[lady ayami chan]

I have had more than one of these situations, but there is one that stands out in my mind the most. Mayeb it can shine some insight on your situation.

I had a friend who's boyfriend left her and she was devistated, so I had her move in with me for "a little while" while one of my roommates was gone on vacation. While living with me she was supposed to get a job apply for college and move out. We both agreed that a month would be plenty of time to get all of this done. Instead she went to frat parties at MY college mind you and brought guys home to MY apartment... she bought a kitten - without my permission - and before I knew it I was feeding her cat (I also had a cat). Long story short my 3rd roommate got pissed about my friends lack of any apperciation for my concern and kicked my friend out. Honestly it was the best thing that could have happened for me, my friend soon latched onto some one else and did the exact same things... She was also a "cutter" and a burn cigarets into her skin type.

Truth is, it is who they are and they won't change, they can't understand things like you can, at least not yet. All you are doing is putting yourself out there and getting damaged. Your friend is perhaps in a slightly better situation because of your care, but not entirely better because your friend doesn't actually want to change, again at least not yet. When i met my now husband I had many "friends" turn on me and no longer want to be my friend. but here is the weird part, the argument was never one of concern for me it was always about how I needed to "be there for them" and "how I do so much for them and what will they ever do without me!!" None of these people were happy for me that I found a great guy!

I think you should be happy that you have found someone you love and someone that shares your ambition for life. It is time that you let that childish friend go. He can't grow up while he has you to keep him from falling. Once he hits rock bottom then maybe he'll understand everything you had told him. That is still a big maybe though.

Hope this was helpful - sorry it was so long  

[Taxi Mama]

Well, January isn't far away, but what if he has no money for it come time? Are you going to pay for him to leave? Think about whether it would be worth it.

In the meantime, it's definitely time to buckle down and start enforcing some adulthood on him. Don't let him freeload. Lock up the food. Stop giving rides. Post the house-rules with consequences. Offer lots of sympathy and advice, but stick to your guns. Make it clear you are not a doormat or a co-dependent.

If he says he can't afford food, point out he's spending his money on partying. If he says he hates the bus, tell him adversity builds character. If he says you're mean, tell him if he were doing you any favors, you'd be happy to do him some in return. Tell him what chores he has to do in order to be fed, given a ride, etc. And if he doesn't do the chores, he gets nothing. I expect this will feel like parenting a teenager, but that's what he's acting like. With any luck it will shame him into better behavior.

I hesitate to mention it, but you better be braced for him to say he'd rather go live with the cutter. Say you'd rather he get his head together and get on with his education, but it's his life.

My signature is particularly appropriate in this instance. Good Luck!  

[lady leko-chan]

I think both replies have thus far been good advice.
So it seems that you need to decide how much you're willing to put up with at this stage now. Taxi Mama is absolutely corrct if your first inititive is to help and rehabilitate your friend. However, if this situation has become so much of a burdon on you then maybe you should think of yourself a bit more. Either way you need to make some type of strong decision, becuase like it has been commented before me - what happens when he suddenly can't afford the trip to Mexico?  

[Areashine]

@ayami: I'm very happy you responded. It seems that our experiences are indeed very similar. You're absolutely right that it just seems to be getting worse and that maybe when he does hit rock bottom, he'll understand what he's been doing with his life.

@Taxi Mama: January does seem far away with all of these things happening and just getting worse. He used to ask about people coming over, but he brings home these strange people that I've never met before. Who's to say they aren't going to steal from us? And is that consequence worth a one night stand for him? I don't think so. I do like your signature, it is entirely appropriate for this instance.

@leko-chan: It's not as if I'm abandoning him. He's still my friend, and for all of his faults, I still care about him. But there comes a time when the problems mysteriously becomes yours somehow. It seems that everyday, in my mind, I question if he's going to Mexico or not. I'll be leaving for a seasonal job in the summer time, so this was supposed to be a temporary fix anyway.

I think my boyfriend and I have reached a conclusion of the advice from his parents, my mother, my friends, and you three. All those people are not happy with him because he has freeloaded off of us for so long. I think it's time that he learns what happens when he sows the seeds of laziness.

Thank you all for your advice. I hope I can be there for you when the time comes.  

[virtuelessone]

Just want to add my two cents...

You need to decide how important this friendship is before you procede with any action. If you're holding on to him because you feel responsible for him or just out of habit, then it's time to tell him to kick rocks and get his a** out of your apartment.

However, if this is a valued friendship, an intervention with his parents and other concerned individuals is in order. Discuss with his parents and the other concerned parties just what everyone is willing to do and then lay it out for him that he has the choice to get his life together with the help his loved ones are willing to offer, or he can go on living as he has been but he has to do it somewhere else and with someone else because you aren't willing to be a witness to his destructive behavior any longer.

As someone who has been on both sides of this situation I can tell you that you have to be firm in your decisions about what you are and aren't willing to suffer through.  

[Areashine]

I thank you for your two cents.

I'm not sure if I value my friendship with him anymore. After talking with one of his best friends, we both came to the conclusion that we are both treated very badly by him. He is not the person to listen to anything but his desires, until he gets eye deep into trouble.

I'm trying to distance myself away from him for the time being, considering I just need to regroup after this stressful time. Once I cool down and once he's out of my house, I'll be able to try to work on our friendship. But for now, I think distance is the answer.  

[TequilaRose]

don't let him stay until jaunuary because then it will turn into... one month then two then 18 like what happened to me... and now my so called friend hasn't talked to me in a month since her happy life is going great and she's back with her boyfriend and has a new apartment and is getting married again.... let me tell you the whole big story....... she's avoiding me just because she knows she ows me money...and thinks that I really just don't want to be her friend anymore and only cares about that... but if she knew me at all she would know I would forgive all of that just to talk with her like we use to.  

[TequilaRose]

Her fience' broke up with her a month before they were suppose to get married and I thought she had no where else to go so I said she could move in with my husband and I.... For 6 months we spent countless days and nights helping her fix her shattered life and drama... then they got back together.... on off on off etc. All we asked from her was that she pay $60 a month for utilities... sell she paid a few times and then completely stoped even that while our savings got eaten away taking care of her so we wouldn't loose our appartment...because we are friends and understood life is hard... I should have realized after she avoided me for a month in my own home that she runs away when ever there is a problem.. she's a hopeless dramaqueen but I loved her as a friend. The last three months...after they got back together we allowed her boyfriend to move in to get on his feet and find a good job because some drama at his parents house left him homeless... but at least he made an effort.. but still there was lack of communication... they didn't bother to tell us their plans... we had to drag it out of them in "family meetings"... we were their for them unconditionally and then My husband and I lost our baby and the one time I needed her she wasn't there. Now they are gone... living happily and we have heard nothing from them.. not even a thank you... love you... (I could care less about the effort to repay us if I even had something that simple) We almost lost our appartment this month and might be homeless next month and she won't be there for us if that happens. And all this is what kind of friend she has shown herself to be.... So I say kick them out and love them from afar... because people prove themselves in their actions and in the long run can only help themselves selfishly.