Parenting Advice

[elusivebreath]

Hi everyone, I could use some advice on some issues I've been dealing with regarding my 13 year old daughter.

Lately she has been getting quite the smart mouth on her, very disrespectful. In the past, she does have a history of sometimes talking back or whatever, nothing more than any other kid though. However, it's been much more than that these days, and I'm not 100% sure on how to deal with it. I have a 17 year old daughter as well, but never went through this with her (just lucky, I guess). I have tried taking away privileges (the computer and cell phone mainly), which hasn't solved the problem so far. We've also had several talks where I try to explain why this behavior is unacceptable and offer alternatives, which she seems to understand but it all flies out the window the minute she gets upset. I realize that adolescence is a trying time, but I want to teach her to express herself constructively. She has a habit of throwing/breaking things when angry or upset, or of just crying hysterically out of nowhere. I am considering counseling for her, but my insurance is crap and it's been hard to get anything going.

(edit: I should also say that I have probably been too lenient with her, due to the fact that she is the youngest, and because I often feel like she is misunderstood by others in the family. She is in general extremely sweet, caring, and giving - to the point where I feel like other people take advantage of her. I think I have let her get away with things that I wouldn't normally because I feel overprotective of her feelings.)

So, any parents been through this? What worked or didn't work? Any ideas are appreciated!  

[Wixandrettas]

Perhaps if you could give a few examples of what has happened... your original post is rather vague... this will help us get a better picture  

[elusivebreath]

Well, for example, the other day she was asked to clean up the mess she made in the kitchen. She started getting upset because she had something else she wanted to do, and she was told that if she didn't clean up the mess she wasn't going to be able to use the computer. Her response was, "Oh well, I'm going to my dad's anyway." That kind of thing.  

[Taxi Mama]

Yeah, some kids get like that. Pick your battles; make just a few simple rules with pre-set consequences. Enforce promptly and calmly; also reward good behavior promptly and cheerfully. Here's my take on your specifics:

Verbal disrespect? Issue an IMMEDIATE scolding, pointing out EXACTLY what part was out of line; remind her that you get to set the language rules your own house. Then have her rephrase her statement in more appropriate words/tone. Pick up the conversation cheerfully, as if that had been her original phrasing.

Tantrums in her own room? Right now, remove anything fragile that you couldn't stand to have broken. From now on, just tell her to keep the noise down, since everybody has to share the airspace. The next day, pleasantly remind her to clean up the mess. If she won't clean up the mess, wait until she's out, and get rid of anything she's left out of place. Pack & hide things you want to keep, throw away the rest. When she complains, remind her it's your house and you set the cleanliness standards. If she wants something replaced, make her pay for it with housecleaning & yard work at minimum wage.

Tantrums anywhere else? This is harder, and can get ugly fast. Here's the list my ex uses on his step kids:
1. Go to your room until you can hold a civilized conversation.
2. No one ever won a court case with violence. [repeat #1]
3. Don't touch my stuff; if you break it, that's vandalism. [repeat #1]
4. Touch one more thing and I'm calling the cops. [Get phone]
(The list goes further, but I don't expect you'll need the rest.)

Remember to PILE ON the hugs and compliments every time she does good things you know she'd rather not. Listen to her really closely when she decides to open up. Sympathize with her feelings without endorsing her poor judgment. Good Luck!  

[elusivebreath]

Wow, thanks, GREAT advice! We had a long talk when she got back from her dad's this weekend, and basically what I did was tell her what the consequences would be (verbal warning, 5 minute "time out" for her to calm down, loss of privileges, etc.) for her disrespectful behavior. I also talked to her about throwing/breaking things, which she has started recently (she's on her 3rd and LAST cell phone), so hopefully she will be able to make better choices.

Again, thanks for the advice!!