The golden joke

[Pink Fregia]

What does a clock do when it's hungry?


It goes back 4 seconds.  

[Nei1]

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are over two dollars while deer nuts are just under a buck.  

[bandaidd]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"  

[Pink Fregia]

Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?



He had "no body" to dance with! rofl  

[Pink Fregia]

A man & woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up & out of my grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life!" The neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, when he was 98, he died. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife responded, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions"  

[Nei1]

This really happened to me. I was at Great Adventure back in the late 90's when a couple a girls asked me where the Medusa ride was.

Without skipping a beat, I replied "Just follow the stone statues."  

[Nei1]

That bean dip only has 229 beans in it.

Why?

Anymore, it would be 2-FARTY.  

[Pink Fregia]

I was at the post office, when I saw a blonde woman shouting into an envelope.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

The blonde replied "Sending a voice mail"  

[Nei1]

Do you hear about the man who is no longer eating Thanksgiving leftover?

Yeah, he plans on giving up cold turkey.  

[-Stumblefoot-]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you would be happy about it.  

[Pink Fregia]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY I PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN.......

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun  

[Pink Fregia]

I snagged this one from a friends Facebook page:

A wife was in the kitchen cooking the boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

...She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken"  

[Nei1]

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall,
so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire
said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of
the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am
going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect
to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the
finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a
halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various
stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the
artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a
mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look
at all those ******** Indians!'"  

[Nei1]

A midget psychic got in major trouble with law. The newspaper's headline said::

A small medium at large.  

[The Unknown Shadow]

A couple was driving to Kissimmee, Florida. As they drove into town, they got into an argument over how it was pronounced. Finally the wife told her husband to pull over at a restaurant.
Once they entered the restaurant, they asked the clerk
“My husband and I have been fighting most of the way up here trying to pronounce this place’s name. Can you slowly sound it out for us?”
“Sure!” said the clerk and proceeded to answer loudly: “BUR-GER KING!”