|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 11:40 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 5:53 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 8:46 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 6:23 pm
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
Hm, where to begin...?
I would have to say it started for me about my 7th or 8th grade year, although I never really "fell" so to speak for any females at that point. I just started noticeing, as Kikio said, "my freashman year I noticed that I was looking more and more at females with a 'ooo, that's not bad looking'." It was also late my freshman year that I realised I had a major time crush on my best friend, but, well, I didn't realise she wasn't straight, so I kept my trap shut, figuring I would rather stay in teh shadow, on the outside looking in, and watch her with someone else rather than lose her entirely if she rejected me. (Before that I had just gotten out of a highly abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend.)
Then, Kikio and I were at a secluded park area (no, this is not going where you probably think it is) about two, three weeks before we actually got together, and we just started messing around. We'd ridden our bikes about 5 miles or so to get to the park, and it was starting to get really cold, but we were both tired from the long ride uphill to get there so neither of us really wanted to move.
I can't really remember whether it was Kikio who started this or me, but one of us flopped down next to the other on the sand next to the river, half on the other person to stay warm. Then one of us, I think if was me, ended up face down on the sand under the other one, and my arm was going numb, so I tried to wiggle out from under her...
Actually, come to thnk of it, it started long before that, while we were watching a movie, but that's pretty irrelevant to this...
Anyway, my arm was going numb so I tried to wiggle / squirm out from underneath her, which really didn't work so well. All that really happened was I felt like one of those sea turtles you see leaving a beach after laying eggs; putting out lots of energy and not really getting very far very fast. So then I said something about being a turltle to Kikio, who started laughing and I thnk it was then that it hit me full-force that I was a minimum of bi...which I recently realised I'm actually lesbian, and I'm perfectly fine with it, althought, to be honest, I FLIPPED when I first realised it.
Then a few weeks later, she beat around the bush for an eon and then finally got around to asking me out (which I'm still eternally grateful for her doing), which I really flipped over. Strangely enough, as much as I really wanted to be with her, I was scared, becuase I live in an extremely anti-gay house & a community that is only slightly less so. Without her by my side every step of the way, I never would have made it through the first few months, especially as more and more kids in our high school found out.
As the others have all said so far, there was a TON of self-denial involved, even as my girlfriend was asking me to give her a chance. Theres times whern I would still like to deny it, but I won't. Kikio means far too much to me to ever do that to her. But it was a long, hard process that I'm thankful I will never have to go through again. It hurt me a lot emotionally in many different ways, but it was worth it, and I would (reluctantly) do it all over again if I had to. I'm happier now, 9 months later, than I have ever been before in my life.
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/posts/say/say_b3_p.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Seraphim of Forgiveness Captain
|
Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 7:00 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 8:33 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 11:00 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 6:35 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:24 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 3:06 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 10:46 am
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/posts/say/say_b1_p.gif) |
OK, I am going to try to answer this question as simply as possible. I think since I am "human", and not some fictional character, I am complex and that's normal. Who isn't complex or 3 dimensional or whatever you wanna call it?
When I was a little girl, I had a lot of issues with myself. I always felt I was ugly and I always felt maybe I was born the wrong sex. I liked a lot of the guy things and so on and so forth. But than again, I hated the idea that I did not look very feminine when God made me a girl. Now for those who don't believe in a God, you can cross that out and put whatever you like in there. xp But yeah, so I felt, if I was made to be a girl why couldn't I be more feminine? And I hated myself, my appearance for a long time. Girls in school helped with that as well. Telling me how much I look like a boy. Now why does this matter? When ultimately, I am trying very hard NOW to be as feminine as possible? Well, I think my disliking my appearance could be a factor in my being the way that I am. Not to say of course, that all lesbians dislike themselves, have low self esteem and that's why they are lesbians. No, of course not. You see, I always thought I was too ugly for any guy to notice me or like me. But..... and this is a big 'but' here..... I did find it easier to fall for girls than guys. Well, because I thought I was so ugly, I thought at first that maybe I liked girls because I wanted to look like them. My last crush, however, I started wishing I could be a guy, because I always saw how guys made her smile and laugh, and she seemed to like a guys attention and at that time I also heard about the TATU girls. Lol. So than I started wishing, if I can't be a guy, why couldn't I be a beautiful girl, so than maybe, just maybe, she would consider being with me, as a little more than a friend. Lol. You see, I wanted to be able to make her smile the same way the guys did. Throughout my life, since childhood, I always though of women as fragile creatures that deserved a lot of love. A great amount of love. And I always met women now and than, who I thought deserved unconditional love and I used to feel bad that I couldn't be the one to give it to them, because I was born female, not male.
Yeah, all so complicated. My feelings just kept changing over time, but all leaning more towards my attraction to women than men. But it was all the more confusing because of my low self esteem. So it was hard for me to really decide if my feelings toward my same sex was more of admiration, jealousy(but it was definitely not jealousy), or a desire for intimacy.
At one point, I was so desperate for affection, so I thought I will be with the first person who will give me the time of day, and I wouldn't care if it was a man or woman. I did get a few offers from men, but I was scared of them, lol, so I turned them down. Than, I was lucky enough to meet this woman. And I fell head over heels in love with her. And I learned a lot from being with her. I learned I don't have to be a man, or even manly, to give her the love I want to give her. She even taught me that women come in all shapes and sizes, and they can be beautiful no matter what.
OK, but yeah, I don't know if that explains how did I know. I am probably hogging up a lot of the page here. Sorry. But yeah, that's my story. I bet it will be too long for anyone to want to read. rofl
But to try and sum it all up... well.... it wasn't easy for me to get to where I am today. And there was really no easy answer.
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 9:18 am
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
I was always dressing up as a boy ever since i was nine or maybe eight.(bad memory) any way, i didn't really like playing boy games though, i liked playing "pretend " and stuff like that. never really liked sports. when ever i would play pretend i would always be a boy. no matter what. one day stands out in my memory , i was at the movies with my family. i was dressed as a boy and looked like a boy . i was about eleven and we were in line to get popcorn . well there were these girls standing in line behind us. they were giggling and talking. as we were walking away, my mom told me that they(the girls) were saying how cute i was. when i heard that, i immediately wanted to go over towards the girls again, to basically flirt with them. but i didn't really know that was what i wanted to do. then when i was twelve i got a crush on a girl in my neighborhood. after a month or so i told my mom that i had a crush on my friend. she didn't think that it was anything i should worry about and that i was just confused. then, when i was thirteen i still had the crush on the first girl and i also had a crush on my other friend that was a girl. so i told my mom again, she believed me and said that it all made since. she was very supportive and encouraging. she always let me wear boy clothes and never tried to make me wear girl clothes. shes really a grate person.( i brag, sorry.) well that's that. it was always in me, i just didn't notice it or understand it until i was older. sorry that was so long sweatdrop
i forgot to mention that the girls thought i was a boy.
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/posts/say/say_b3_p.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 9:41 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:31 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 2:23 am
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/posts/say/say_b1_p.gif) |
i only realised about 6 months ago that i was gay, i'm not sure what done it, something just clicked and then i came out. For a long time before that though i thought i was bi, but wasn't out.
i've liked girls since i was 11 ish, but i didn't realise what i was feeling were crushes and put 2 and 2 together till a few years ago. Then i gradually realised i wasn't attracted to males.
i think what made me realise i liked girls was my best friend (a girl) hitting on me and practically molesting me every day at school since y10, it totally freaked me out and i hated it, not because i didn't like it, but because i did. it made me realise i liked girls but then it put me in deep denial because i was so scared of my feelings.
i stopped liking her though not long after when she grew her hair out really long (like, to her knees, unhealthy and unstyled, it looks really bad) it wasn't just because she stopped taking care of herself and got ugly though, her personality changed a lot too, she lost all her self confidence and sexually harassed me constantly (i like a challenge lol, she took all the fun out).
i look back now and have no idea how i didn't see it, even when i was a kid i was extremely gay looking and acting. my first and only boyfriend asked if i was gay a lot too (he's a closet case btw lol) and we were more like best friends than lovers lol, only made out once in 3 years and it was horrible. but it was still another 3 years after we broke up before i realised i was gay.
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif) |
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
![](//graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/template/s.gif) |
|
|
|
|
|