Fellow Geezers, I need love advice.

[MojinR]

My peers and associates, I have a dilemma. In my last job I've come to find myself attracted to one my fellow co-workers. She a lovely woman, down to earth yet spiritual, intelligent, charismatic, open, loyal, unashamed and honest person. Plus she's a bit crazy, I like em a bit less normal than most. Same general age bracket so we're from the same generation which helps. We talk and goof around and flirt. I even got her some gifts for Christmas. There is definitely chemistry, we both feel it.

Just one problem. She's got a boyfriend.

So geezers, when should I ambush her current boyfriend for the kill and slip in to console the grieving lady to ensure my position as the next man in her life?  

[QuietStorm XII]

Do you believe in Karma? ninja  

[freaxy]

-moved to advice subforums-  

[ThisEmptySoul]

if she truly felt there was some real "chemistry" there, then she would take the step of dumping her boyfriend all on her own so she could be with you. If she has no plans of doing so, then it should be obvious that she does not think you're worth it and/or she values you as a friend and nothing more.

You also need to keep in mind that her boyfriend is a person, not just some obstacle standing between you and getting the girl you want. Not knowing what kind of guy he is or anything, I would not considered it justified to make him shove off just because you want his woman. For all you know, he could be someone that you would get along with as a friend, but because your eyes are fixed on his girlfriend, all you have in mind is trying to get her by any means necessary.

I'm sure if she was your girlfriend and some other guy who thought he deserved her more tried to tell you to buzz off, you would not take too kindly to it.  

[MojinR]

Excellent and mature advice Soul, but nothing that I haven't worked out mentally before. I wasn't entirely expecting serious advice, not on the internet of all places. However, I suppose should begin the the first point.

She isn't the type of girl to dump her boyfriend, one that she's been with over a year, just because she has chemistry with someone new. She's flirtatious, admits to it towards guys so they don't get the wrong idea, but is also a loyalist and selective of her company. That said, she isn't the type to dump a current boyfriend just cause she's found a shiny new toy. But she isn't against going out with me should her boyfriend "screw up" at any point in time and they break it off. I also I know I'm still only one of her options.

That said, her boyfriend appears to be a good person, which truly bothered me at first when I realized how much I liked her. Heck, if he and I talked we'd probably be pretty decent pals. And if was truly after by any means necessary there are other malicious designs I could safely and legally sink to.

Bluntly, though I don't do those things. I know how to, but I don't. When it comes to searching for a mate I have only two major codes:

1) I don't break up happy couples. If they aren't happy, the relationship will break apart naturally without any intervention, unless it something like spousal abuse or fear that glues the the dysfunctional mess together.

2) If a friend breaks up with a girl, I don't rush in to collect his leftovers. If I consider someone a friend, a pal, or even just an acquaintance who's a really good guy then I don't mess with their women, present woman or ex-women. Period. It's just who I am.



So, if you put this all together I think you can see why this is a trying situation. I was hoping to sort of comedically exorcise some of this frustration of being trapped between morals and desire. However, I appreciate the serious response all the same.  

[Boudica Celtic Queen]

It's hard to advise when we don't know the whole situation regarding her relationship with her boyfriend and this "connection" you feel the two of you have, but I will try my best.

I would tread very carefully on this one. Where you may be feeling chemistry - she may only be feeling a good friendship. If you have gone as far as discussing her relationship with her and she seems to be happy in it, leave it alone. The fact that you know, either by general knowledge or her telling you, that she has a boyfriend, makes this dangerous water to tread. Plus, if SHE was the one to tell you, than that may be her way of saying she's not available for a relationship with you.

I don't know how long you've been in a friendship with her. Buying gifts for her may cause her to feel inwardly uncomfortable and she may not know how to express that without hurting your feelings.

All in all, it should be HER choice if it's a relationship she wants to leave. I wouldn't go sabotaging her boyfriend. If he's a good person, it would be unfair to him and cause a great amount of hurt. And if she is happy in that relationship and not truly interested in leaving, it could hurt your friendship with her.

Just because we feel a "connection" with others, it doesn't mean it's one that will lead to a relationship. Good friendships are just as valuable.

Good luck to you.  

[Boudica Celtic Queen]

Oh, I almost forgot. Per your ending line:

"So geezers, when should I ambush her current boyfriend for the kill and slip in to console the grieving lady to ensure my position as the next man in her life?"

Rebounds normally DO NOT WORK. "the next man in her life" doesn't mean the LAST man in her life.....

neutral  

[Wixandrettas]

Lets look at this from a hypothetical angle from the woman's perspective.

Lets say she is feeling the chemistry, liking this kind of attention, enjoying the company... My concern is, if she is flirting with you, who is to say she hasnt experimented with cheating on her boyfriend already? Or perhaps flirting with someone else who might not be in the work place... or perhaps she has done this in the past?

I must say the red flag for me, as a woman is, in what has been described of her, leads me to believe perhaps this isnt all new to her. She is willing to accept gifts from another man... I mean, surely her boyfriend must know something unless she is being divertive?

For me, and please.. understand this is only my personal belief for me: Once Im with a person, I do not show an interest in anyone else. I wont even look at another man because, why be involved with one person, and be so busy staring at that hot guy I work with, or tha one guy walking the down the street? Yes, for many, looking is ok.. for me... it means Im desiring something that some one else has that my current man doesnt have... Im so content with who I am with, I couldnt imagine staring at another man or even to consider the attention of another man... Again, this is just me...

Lets say you do end up 'with the girl'... who's to say she doesnt get swooned by another man, and YOU dont know about it. How would you feel if it was going on behind your back that your girl was gaining a strong attention by another guy?

Just throwing the opposite side out there for you... Whatever happens, remember.. you have to work with this person... and if it goes really sour, your workplace will become a battlefield... and that aint pretty....

Peace to you and I hope you think things through carefully..


 

[MojinR]

So no stabbity the BF and consoling the smexy crying chick?

But seriously, I did have that concern about her flirting. I don't know if she's cheated on any of her BFs before. However, I have seen her stop flirting with guys that suddenly become...aggressive or assertive. Particularly cause they're more interested in sex then her mind or spirit. Myself, I don't normally believe in "flirty but loyal" yet I don't sense the usual tension of dishonesty I feel when I believe I'm being BSed or deceived. Of course, she might be just that good.

Well, accepting gifts from a man I would say is okay since her BF apparently has no problem accepting gifts from at least one other woman, according to her account. In the case of my gifts, he'd probably see it as "that guy friend from work" getting her a few things. Cause apparently she talks about me to him. When I met him briefly (we only shook hands) he didn't seem offended or suspicious. This was before Xmas tho.

You have hit the nail on head though with the "if things go sour" as one of greatest fears. Aside from personal respect to her and her BF, should things go south I still have to come to work or find a new job. It makes me weary of any workplace romantic regardless of other emotions.

Honestly though, it might just stay at flirty friends that "get" each other. I mean, things can turn platonic. I might meet another girl who's single and become attracted to her (which is unlikely considering myself), she might love her BF and want to marry him but not realize it yet. Either way we could end up being friends.

However, I don't want force it into a platonic situation before then. If it turns out that way, fine. I also don't want keep thinking "well she might have done this, or be doing this, or this is the worst case scenario." I'm good at doing that. In fact, that's why I don't normally get along with alot of people in general, at least on a personal level. And I certainly don't get in many relationships. I mean, if I do that for every woman I begin to like there will never be a chance. Although you say I always knew that, I'm beginning to learn it in life.

Edit: Thank you ladies for the responses. It does help to get perspective from the opposite sex.  

[Patron with a Mission]

MojinR

So no stabbity the BF and consoling the smexy crying chick?

But seriously, I did have that concern about her flirting. I don't know if she's cheated on any of her BFs before. However, I have seen her stop flirting with guys that suddenly become...aggressive or assertive. Particularly cause they're more interested in sex then her mind or spirit. Myself, I don't normally believe in "flirty but loyal" yet I don't sense the usual tension of dishonesty I feel when I believe I'm being BSed or deceived. Of course, she might be just that good.

Well, accepting gifts from a man I would say is okay since her BF apparently has no problem accepting gifts from at least one other woman, according to her account. In the case of my gifts, he'd probably see it as "that guy friend from work" getting her a few things. Cause apparently she talks about me to him. When I met him briefly (we only shook hands) he didn't seem offended or suspicious. This was before Xmas tho.

You have hit the nail on head though with the "if things go sour" as one of greatest fears. Aside from personal respect to her and her BF, should things go south I still have to come to work or find a new job. It makes me weary of any workplace romantic regardless of other emotions.

Honestly though, it might just stay at flirty friends that "get" each other. I mean, things can turn platonic. I might meet another girl who's single and become attracted to her (which is unlikely considering myself), she might love her BF and want to marry him but not realize it yet. Either way we could end up being friends.

However, I don't want force it into a platonic situation before then. If it turns out that way, fine. I also don't want keep thinking "well she might have done this, or be doing this, or this is the worst case scenario." I'm good at doing that. In fact, that's why I don't normally get along with alot of people in general, at least on a personal level. And I certainly don't get in many relationships. I mean, if I do that for every woman I begin to like there will never be a chance. Although you say I always knew that, I'm beginning to learn it in life.

Edit: Thank you ladies for the responses. It does help to get perspective from the opposite sex.

I don't believe that you should act on this "chemistry". Relationships that start in the workplace end up [usually] not ending so well.

Also, perhaps you may want to get to know more of her past before you go jumping the gun with her. I also suggest just going with the flow. Let her end it with her boyfriend if she so wishes. If not...there's your answer.  

[MojinR]

Yeah, you're probably right Daemon. Things are taking an interesting turn though. She's confiding in me more, and I'm quite happy about it. Mostly about problems with men and her boyfriend. Sign? Maybe not, at times I think I'm just a person that people wish to confide in; I get used for that with surprising frequency. Not that I mind though. Everyone needs a shoulder.  

[Patron with a Mission]

MojinR

Yeah, you're probably right Daemon. Things are taking an interesting turn though. She's confiding in me more, and I'm quite happy about it. Mostly about problems with men and her boyfriend. Sign? Maybe not, at times I think I'm just a person that people wish to confide in; I get used for that with surprising frequency. Not that I mind though. Everyone needs a shoulder.

Just make sure it's a shoulder that she isn't rubbing against.

From personal experience, well, about being the shoulder to cry on anyway, I know how it is. A lot of people trust and confide in me, but it doesn't mean they love me or anything. It sounds like she's complaining to get a reaction from you. If that is the case, do not say anything like, "Well, if I were with you, that would change." It will only lead her [and you] on, and in the end, you may not want her, or she won't want you.

As I said earlier, go with the flow, see what happens. But make sure she's someone you'd really want to be with, and, if worse comes to worse, will be able to work with afterwards. Most will hold a grudge against those they lose so they can compensate for grief, and that's the last thing you need in a coworker.  

[angelplustwo]

MojinR

My peers and associates, I have a dilemma. In my last job I've come to find myself attracted to one my fellow co-workers. She a lovely woman, down to earth yet spiritual, intelligent, charismatic, open, loyal, unashamed and honest person. Plus she's a bit crazy, I like em a bit less normal than most. Same general age bracket so we're from the same generation which helps. We talk and goof around and flirt. I even got her some gifts for Christmas. There is definitely chemistry, we both feel it.

Just one problem. She's got a boyfriend.

So geezers, when should I ambush her current boyfriend for the kill and slip in to console the grieving lady to ensure my position as the next man in her life?

your kidding right? if she loves him she won't appreciate your gettin involved and if she doesn't ? good luck but i wouldn't push to hard if i were you
(do guys really do that?i always thought they were kiddin when they talked like that. i guess i am really unaware lol)  

[MojinR]

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing

MojinR

Yeah, you're probably right Daemon. Things are taking an interesting turn though. She's confiding in me more, and I'm quite happy about it. Mostly about problems with men and her boyfriend. Sign? Maybe not, at times I think I'm just a person that people wish to confide in; I get used for that with surprising frequency. Not that I mind though. Everyone needs a shoulder.

Just make sure it's a shoulder that she isn't rubbing against.

From personal experience, well, about being the shoulder to cry on anyway, I know how it is. A lot of people trust and confide in me, but it doesn't mean they love me or anything. It sounds like she's complaining to get a reaction from you. If that is the case, do not say anything like, "Well, if I were with you, that would change." It will only lead her [and you] on, and in the end, you may not want her, or she won't want you.

As I said earlier, go with the flow, see what happens. But make sure she's someone you'd really want to be with, and, if worse comes to worse, will be able to work with afterwards. Most will hold a grudge against those they lose so they can compensate for grief, and that's the last thing you need in a coworker.

Sad thing I don't mind her rubbing against my shoulder. At least that won't led anywhere as long as she remains celibate. Yes, you read that right. She's celibate.

You know, I thought that at first (her just needing someone to vent to) until she took it in that direction. With all of our harmless flirting and conversation I never started that. Both experience and mistrust of people have bred...um... "conversation intimacy tiers" of what is "safe" to discuss and what is none of my business unless that person tells me.

And to be honest, like I said before, I don't get along with too many people above a certain level. She's the first female in a long while I've felt like this towards. And, well, being sure of anything is difficult without concrete fact. Especially with people and relationships, feeling plays a big role. For instance, I could describe a person's habits, mannerisms, professed views and values and everyone might feel different without being sure of anything aside from their feelings.

angelplustwo

MojinR

My peers and associates, I have a dilemma. In my last job I've come to find myself attracted to one my fellow co-workers. She a lovely woman, down to earth yet spiritual, intelligent, charismatic, open, loyal, unashamed and honest person. Plus she's a bit crazy, I like em a bit less normal than most. Same general age bracket so we're from the same generation which helps. We talk and goof around and flirt. I even got her some gifts for Christmas. There is definitely chemistry, we both feel it.

Just one problem. She's got a boyfriend.

So geezers, when should I ambush her current boyfriend for the kill and slip in to console the grieving lady to ensure my position as the next man in her life?

your kidding right? if she loves him she won't appreciate your gettin involved and if she doesn't ? good luck but i wouldn't push to hard if i were you
(do guys really do that?i always thought they were kiddin when they talked like that. i guess i am really unaware lol)

Yes I'm kidding about killing her BF and taking his place. In fact, it's not an external dilemma (i.e. her boyfriend) so much as an internal one(i.e. my morals and desires and typical doubts or distrust I have I about people, myself included, in general.)  

[Otia]

I think it's between her and him, not you. What you're experiencing is between you and the girl, meaning you shouldn't harbor any negative feelings over the man. Look at the wonderful girl he picked.
I think you should have a talk with this girl and see what she really wants. If she really wants to be with you, she will tell her current boy friend about it and how she feels, then end their relationship and go be with you. But, I don't think it's your place to break them up. Let them do it.