love..and well...yeah love.. :(

[Siumbering Princess22]

ok so i met a guy on gaia and we had spent basically every single night for 4 months talking for atleast 6 hours every single night. anyway fast forward we said we were together and everything like that i was planning on flying to meet him in may. things got weird hes always had issues he never had a serious girlfriend before me hes the same age as me *22 23 in march both of us* and we said i love you and all that i know it was fast for him he seemed scared but he said he did love me it was just new for him but whatever.


anyway a week ago we broke up i didnt really understand it and i still really dont. he said he couldnt handle the distance and we were moving to fast he feels he doesnt know how to give me what i want. i called him not drunk but tipsy enough to say how i felt, and i basically begged him to be with me..and well that didnt work he told me point blank he doesnt feel that way. well i looked at his myspace and saw that he added his ex girlfriend that he hasnt talked to in like 2 years and now all the sudden hes talking to her again. i think that played a part in why he broke up with me but he says no. and i asked him if hes thinking of getting back with her he said it crossed his mind..wtf weve only been broken up for a week it didnt just now cross his mind it had to have been in his mind.


i decided that that was enough ive been crying to much this has effected me more then i ever expected it to. and so i blocked him its just hard because obviously on gaia i have his username memorized so i keep looking at his profile, as well as i see him looking at mine. im trying so hard to forget he existed but these past 4 months have been extremely intense for me. i haven't felt this way for someone since my ex who i was with for 5 years, and i told myself id never let myself get so involved again..i mean especially with someone online. but i let him in i opened up we talked on the phone for sometimes almost 24 hours straight. we never missed one single night talking...

i guess i just need i dont know, i just wanna know how to forget him..just i dont know i wanna stop crying i wanna stop hurting. i wanna know blocking him and forgetting he existed is the right thing to do. i just dont know anymore im hurting and i hate it.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Online relationships aren't really the best thing to do. I can assess to that, and distance honestly doesn't make the heart grow fonder; it makes you realize what you are missing about the other person.

I've done two long distance relationships and neither ended well mainly because of a breakdown in communications. Remember, you have to see the person to know what they mean, for real.

As for getting over them, well, that makes two of us. What I'm doing is that I am going to the gym and working out, getting out of the apartment, and walking around campus. I am also writing and drawing out frustration, and seeking counseling. That's just a few of the things you can do to help yourself heal. Hope this helps.  

[MojinR]

Wow. Sounds horrible. I'm really kind of at lost for words but I will say this, don't burn down his bridge. You might have to walk across it later. And as callous as this will sound, you should never, ever, let someone have that kind of control over you. I'm not saying don't love, but don't...don't give your heart to someone even if feel a strong connection. Nor do you sever that connection because the relationship didn't move where you wanted it to go.

As far as the pain goes...well...I just don't know. I've been known to be anti-social cause I didn't deal with betrayal, broken relationships/friendships or the hurt that came afterwards very well on top of not exactly fitting in. All I can say is that it will pass but there isn't a miracle cure or a quick fix. Trying to block the person always fails cause in your attempt to drown his presence out, your still subconsciously acknowledge it through avoidance. First deal with his presence, decide where he stands in your life and proceed forward, pain and all.

Well, at least that would be my advice. I hope it helps.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

I actually really appreciate both of your responses.

Dameon- I have done online relationships before, and well they work much better when the person lives closer. He lived over 3,000 miles away which made things a tad difficult. But all of those suggestions on how to keep my mind basically distracted are actually really helpful, and I think for the most part I agree with everything you said. But well I live in philly, and for the most part my choices in guys are pretty limited. Unless I go for that whole druggy I'll shoot you if you don't see it my way..kinda guy.lol

MojinR- The whole never let someone have control over me thing. I have told myself that over and over in my head, and I guess I didn't listen. I let myself become so vulnerable again. But befor I met him I had such issues letting people in and trusting. And I felt if I never let my walls down I am never gonna be able to experience love or happiness again. So there I went attempting to let those walls down, and look what I got out of it. So while I thought I was improving things about myself by risking to love someone, I basically let myself be hurt all over again.

And I have the whole anti-social issue as well. I'm not a bar or club type person. I don't talk to random people, that just isn't me. I feel like I need to block him, and now especially after a long talk me and him just had. I feel as if even if down the line he realizes what mistake he made.He has just been so careless of my feelings through this whole thing, and I can't let someone like that back into my life. And you are 100% right about subconsciously acknowleding it through avoidance. But seeing him online just tempts me to wanna talk to him and try and work things out AGAIN! So I really do need to block him in order to get over this, and I just kinda am realizing that slower and slower.

Thankyou for the advice from both of you, I appreciate it!  

[ThisEmptySoul]

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing

Online relationships aren't really the best thing to do. I can assess to that, and distance honestly doesn't make the heart grow fonder; it makes you realize what you are missing about the other person.

It depends on the people involved as to whether it works or not. For some people, it can actually be better than dating in person because they get to know the other person better without the relationship moving too fast or physical intimacy getting in the way {while most people think it improves the relationship, sometimes it actually hurts more than it helps}. It certainly isn't for everyone, though. Some people need the physical aspect to feel the relationship is progressing, which seems to be the case for the guy mentioned in this situation.

I met my spouse online and we were both inexperienced with relationships in general, but we knew we really wanted to make this work. We were together online for 3 and a half years... only having met once in person because of the distance. While a lot of people probably think that sounds bad, it worked for us because we committed ourselves to it.

I think what happened here is the guy felt a longing to be in a relationship again from the online relationship... in his mind he seemed to not make the connection that online relationships are real because there is a real person involved. Some people seem to only think it's "real" if you can hold hands, go out on dates, kiss, etc. So instead of trying to make the online one work, he decided to search out an old one because that's "real". There's also a chance that he got scared because "online relationships never work"... so he ran off before he could get hurt, but hurting you {Sleeping_Princess22} in the process.

I understand the urge to talk to people you were previously in a relationship with all too well.... I had two online relationships that were short lived before I met my spouse. I don't think blocking is necessarily the answer. If he truly does not feel the relationship could ever work, then a distance will gradually set in naturally.

I don't think forgetting is the best option, honestly. It's fine to want to take your mind off it for a while, but completely forgetting in the end will do you no good. You have to take what you learn and apply it to future relationships... to simply try and block out the memory of the relationship and forget it will doom you to repeat the same mistakes. As much as it might hurt to remember, in the end it might hurt more to try to block it. The more you try to fight it, the more you end up thinking about it. Try to keep from ruminating over the bad and avoid thinking specifically about things that upset you. Acknowledging your emotions and letting them out through some kind of medium will probably make you feel better than trying to ignore them just to stop the crying. Complete avoidance of him and the issue will sometimes prolong the pain because it is only a temporary fix.

Online relationships tend to have to be taken more slowly because of the bad reputation it has gotten, the uncertainty of "truly knowing" the other person, and the distance between you. Jumping into a meeting too soon can make some people uncomfortable because they are still unsure as to whether or not they can trust you are who you say you are. Even if you have been talking often, there's still a lot of doubt to be had if someone is skeptical about online relationships to begin with. Webcam helps, but again it's something you should not jump into as it might give someone the wrong impression {especially as a woman}.

To make a long post short {too late gonk } I guess my advice would be to vent.... art, poetry, punching bag... anything that will let you release your emotion, but don't simply try to forget. Letting it out in the end will feel a lot better than bottling it up covering it with a blanket so you don't have to look at it. It is important to remember so that you better know how to proceed in your next relationship.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

ThisEmptySoul

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing

Online relationships aren't really the best thing to do. I can assess to that, and distance honestly doesn't make the heart grow fonder; it makes you realize what you are missing about the other person.

It depends on the people involved as to whether it works or not. For some people, it can actually be better than dating in person because they get to know the other person better without the relationship moving too fast or physical intimacy getting in the way {while most people think it improves the relationship, sometimes it actually hurts more than it helps}. It certainly isn't for everyone, though. Some people need the physical aspect to feel the relationship is progressing, which seems to be the case for the guy mentioned in this situation.

I met my spouse online and we were both inexperienced with relationships in general, but we knew we really wanted to make this work. We were together online for 3 and a half years... only having met once in person because of the distance. While a lot of people probably think that sounds bad, it worked for us because we committed ourselves to it.

I think what happened here is the guy felt a longing to be in a relationship again from the online relationship... in his mind he seemed to not make the connection that online relationships are real because there is a real person involved. Some people seem to only think it's "real" if you can hold hands, go out on dates, kiss, etc. So instead of trying to make the online one work, he decided to search out an old one because that's "real". There's also a chance that he got scared because "online relationships never work"... so he ran off before he could get hurt, but hurting you {Sleeping_Princess22} in the process.

I understand the urge to talk to people you were previously in a relationship with all too well.... I had two online relationships that were short lived before I met my spouse. I don't think blocking is necessarily the answer. If he truly does not feel the relationship could ever work, then a distance will gradually set in naturally.

I don't think forgetting is the best option, honestly. It's fine to want to take your mind off it for a while, but completely forgetting in the end will do you no good. You have to take what you learn and apply it to future relationships... to simply try and block out the memory of the relationship and forget it will doom you to repeat the same mistakes. As much as it might hurt to remember, in the end it might hurt more to try to block it. The more you try to fight it, the more you end up thinking about it. Try to keep from ruminating over the bad and avoid thinking specifically about things that upset you. Acknowledging your emotions and letting them out through some kind of medium will probably make you feel better than trying to ignore them just to stop the crying. Complete avoidance of him and the issue will sometimes prolong the pain because it is only a temporary fix.

Online relationships tend to have to be taken more slowly because of the bad reputation it has gotten, the uncertainty of "truly knowing" the other person, and the distance between you. Jumping into a meeting too soon can make some people uncomfortable because they are still unsure as to whether or not they can trust you are who you say you are. Even if you have been talking often, there's still a lot of doubt to be had if someone is skeptical about online relationships to begin with. Webcam helps, but again it's something you should not jump into as it might give someone the wrong impression {especially as a woman}.

To make a long post short {too late gonk } I guess my advice would be to vent.... art, poetry, punching bag... anything that will let you release your emotion, but don't simply try to forget. Letting it out in the end will feel a lot better than bottling it up covering it with a blanket so you don't have to look at it. It is important to remember so that you better know how to proceed in your next relationship.

thankyou so much for your reply. I feel like for me anyway I am such a emotional deep passionate person. That in a relationship the hugest thing for me is connecting feeling that deep bond grow more and more. I love the physical side of a relationship. But I feel getting to know someone online is so much easier then getting to know someone in real life. In my situation I work and come home. I go out and do things, but it isn't the same as you grow older, and it becomes increasingly hard to really meet people. Especially since I am not the type to ever approach a man by myself. Not because of low confidence, I just feel if they're interested they would come up to me. And another thing for me is I had a relationship with a man who lived all of a 2 minute walk from me for 5 years, and eventually joined the military and was away for most of the time. So I had no choice but to love from a distance. And I in my heart believe if you love someone nothing should ever stand in the way of that. I am someone who with all my heart and soul will try to make something work, because I won't let hope die that there is someone who will love me that much in return. I have people like my sister and others who don't really understand how I was able to love and feel so strongly for him. But I feel love isn't brought about from holding hands or kissing. That is a way of SHOWING your love. To me kissing someone isn't what is going to make me fall inlove with them. Love for me are two peoples souls connecting and growing together and becoming a deep bond that none could compare to.

I knew from the start with this guy, that I was taking a risk. His last gf he broke up with because she was boring. So when I heard he was so quickly to just give up on a girl he was with for 4 months, because of something that simply that he said he never even really talked to her about. I had it in my mind that maybe I was looking for something, that he obviously wasn't going to be able to handle. But he adapted well to me and him, and he really showed emotions and attempted to make us work..well in the beginning.

The whole block thing has really confused me. I mean I understand what you say about it's kinda a temporary fix, and it may only prolong the pain. But I'm just not sure I could handle seeing him online. Looking at his status message every 2 minutes. Feeling the urge to just click his username and talk to him again. And I know talking to him as a friend would only completely frustrate me. Since we have attempted to do the friend thing and it feels like nothing has changed and we still click like we always did, and so that makes me really angry.

Wow I type way to much, anyway. Umm..I decided I will take him off block, but I am not adding him to my list. So for now hes unblocked but I don't have to see him signed on.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

I think you took a step in the right direction. Sometimes what will make a person stronger is actually resisting the urge instead of eliminating the temptation.

Trying to stay friends might be too hard and I was not saying that you should try to stay friends. There are some things that make it impossible to remain friends... complete disregard for emotions and feelings is one of them. This guy also seems like he lacks the commitment for the kind of relationship you're looking for and just wants a series of "flings" so to speak. For people like that, dating is a game... when you stop having fun with one girl, you quit and move on to another one.

You, on the other hand, seem to be looking for something more long-term... where even if you have differences you want to work them out and stay together instead of just moving on. You'll need to find a certain kind of man for that.... many your age {men and women alike} feel it is "too early" to get "tied down".

You and I certainly seem to agree on what love is... I have said similar things in the past only to have people tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about stare It's nice to know that the same concept is felt by others as well. Something to keep in mind, though... one-sided "love" does not work. If the other person does not feel the same, then you have to let go. Continuing to cling to that feeling in hopes that they will feel the same will only cause more hurt and grief. Love is a complex emotion that has to be felt by both people involved.

In most cases it seems that the one-sided feeling is often that person wanting to be in love rather than actually being in love. They do everything they can to convince themselves that it is love... I have seen my sister do this on many occasions, and I myself have done it in the past. The sooner you realize that a true bond of love could not be broken so easily, the sooner you'll be able to get over this situation.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

TheEmptySoul- I don't know if he really is trying to have flings. I mean he's a virgin he hasn't dated anyone in two years. I just think considering hes actually two weeks older then me. I usually am looking for a lot more then most people my age. I have no need to date tons of people, and I knew since basically forever that I am the marrying type. I am the kinda girl who wants to be inlove. Not go out on pointless dates that isn't going to go nowhere.

And you are completely right when you say both people have to love, and it can't be one-sided. I have been in that circumstance to many times. Where I felt if I prove to him how much I love him, or how right we are together. Then maybe he will change his mind. But it doesn't work that way. And both people need to love enough to make it work.

And if it were a true bond then you're right, it wouldn't of been broken so easily. And every day I feel better and better. *even though i can see in my recent viewers list hes been looking at my profile...every day* but whatever.lol  

[ThisEmptySoul]

By "fling" I was referring to dating people with no intention on marrying. No matter how long they last, I consider those nothing more than flings. I always felt that the point of dating was not to simply say you're with someone or have some cheap thrills for a while, but rather a means to find someone who you will eventually spend the rest of your life with.

For him to still be looking at your profile, perhaps he is having regrets, but he needs to realize that you can't just toss someone's feelings to the side like that because you "got bored" or "got scared" or whatever other reason that someone might give. Honestly, I think if someone thinks a relationship isn't going the direction they want it to, they need to talk to their partner about it and try to work it out instead of just bailing out at the first sign of trouble.

Only under the circumstance that two people are just completely incompatible because of their expectations, personalities, and/or feelings should a relationship end... not simply because of a perceived problem. Of course, this is just my point of view... I've seen people break up over far more frivolous reasons.

Of course, this isn't to say that you should try to mend a relationship that has already been terminated... I'm just kind of ranting stare  

[Siumbering Princess22]

ThisEmptySoul

By "fling" I was referring to dating people with no intention on marrying. No matter how long they last, I consider those nothing more than flings. I always felt that the point of dating was not to simply say you're with someone or have some cheap thrills for a while, but rather a means to find someone who you will eventually spend the rest of your life with.

For him to still be looking at your profile, perhaps he is having regrets, but he needs to realize that you can't just toss someone's feelings to the side like that because you "got bored" or "got scared" or whatever other reason that someone might give. Honestly, I think if someone thinks a relationship isn't going the direction they want it to, they need to talk to their partner about it and try to work it out instead of just bailing out at the first sign of trouble.

Only under the circumstance that two people are just completely incompatible because of their expectations, personalities, and/or feelings should a relationship end... not simply because of a perceived problem. Of course, this is just my point of view... I've seen people break up over far more frivolous reasons.

Of course, this isn't to say that you should try to mend a relationship that has already been terminated... I'm just kind of ranting stare

Well as much as I miss him, and feel like he ran away simply because he was scared of how he felt towards me. I know where he stands, and I know that what I am looking for he can't give me. And he has made it that I would be scared every time we fought or every time we had a disagreement, that he couldn't handle it and just break up. Point blank- I need someone who won't just let me go so easily. If he really wanted me to be in his life, then he woulda never let me go. And I am just coming to terms with that. I won't lie last night I looked at his profile as he made sure to put some girls on his profile and say "my new friends" it bothered me just a bit, well enough that I got teary eyed, but an hour later I let it pass and I moved on. So I mean i'm getting better, but it's still gonna take a little bit longer.

And if he does regret it, well it's just his loss then. *i keep telling myself anyway*  

[Patron with a Mission]

ThisEmptySoul = You bring up some rather enlightening relationship wisdom. And granted, there are a few exceptions such as yourself, and it is true what you said about people fearing they don't work. I guess it does depend on person.  

[Harbone]

Whew. These are some long posts.
Let's see if I can answer the PA Princess from her first post:

How do you forget him?

Answer: Uh... you don't. Don't forget him.
Learn from what happened and realize that these memories make you who you are... hopefully a stronger, wiser, more loving person...
...someone ready to discover a person ready to love her in return, in the way she needs to be loved.

Sure, maybe long distance relationships don't always work... but maybe you'll find someone with whom it DOES work, if that's the way you want to do it. Or maybe the next person you find won't shy away when you suggest moving closer together in reality as well as virtuality.

So:
Don't forget that guy.
(Just don't let him take advantage of you any more, either.)
Assess the situation and know that your next relationship will be stronger for the things that went wrong in this one.

Oh... and, take a little time before you start your next relationship.
Like any learning process, break ups require a little rest and healing before you can apply their lessons effectively.
Have a little fun, if you can.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Harbone

Whew. These are some long posts.
Let's see if I can answer the PA Princess from her first post:

How do you forget him?

Answer: Uh... you don't. Don't forget him.
Learn from what happened and realize that these memories make you who you are... hopefully a stronger, wiser, more loving person...
...someone ready to discover a person ready to love her in return, in the way she needs to be loved.

Sure, maybe long distance relationships don't always work... but maybe you'll find someone with whom it DOES work, if that's the way you want to do it. Or maybe the next person you find won't shy away when you suggest moving closer together in reality as well as virtuality.

So:
Don't forget that guy.
(Just don't let him take advantage of you any more, either.)
Assess the situation and know that your next relationship will be stronger for the things that went wrong in this one.

Oh... and, take a little time before you start your next relationship.
Like any learning process, break ups require a little rest and healing before you can apply their lessons effectively.
Have a little fun, if you can.

lol @ PA Princess.

but things have become a rollercoaster for me. I haven't cried or really been upset about him in a couple days. Then days like today i see hes looked at my profile AGAIN! And it really pisses me off, because it gives me false hope that maybe he still cares. Which then in return makes me wanna email him and tell him i love him. And I REALLY almost came close to doing it. But i stopped and realized even if he misses me, he doesn't miss me enough to talk to me. So in no way should I go to him. It still just really hurts. And in my moment of weakness i just wonder have i even gotten over him the slightest bit if here i am again wanting to talk to him.

oh i wont start a new relationship especially when its still like an open wound. Ripping the band aid off to fast will only make the process of healing start all over again.  

[lady ayami chan]

I was in you boat not so long ago. Only my issue was not online it was right in my face everyday at college. but I just needed to accept that for him, I was not "the one" nor would I ever be.

I sought the things that you are seeking and I now, after struggling so hard for what seemed like so long, have them. But strangley enough, I didn't find them they actually found me. Love came my way and I didn't even see it at first and I wish only the same for you. you seem like a really wonderful lady and deserving a a guy who sees that the minute he meets/sees you.

The best thing is what you are doing, do not succum to you temptation to tell him that you love him. If he loves you or misses you he WOULD tell you. The guy i was a wreck over actually told me this to my face and then I knew I needed to accept it. And I believe that to be true, and if he is scared like you think, then oviously his fear is too great for him to let himself be happy let alone try and be a happy presence for you.

I wish you the best.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

lady ayami chan

I was in you boat not so long ago. Only my issue was not online it was right in my face everyday at college. but I just needed to accept that for him, I was not "the one" nor would I ever be.

I sought the things that you are seeking and I now, after struggling so hard for what seemed like so long, have them. But strangley enough, I didn't find them they actually found me. Love came my way and I didn't even see it at first and I wish only the same for you. you seem like a really wonderful lady and deserving a a guy who sees that the minute he meets/sees you.

The best thing is what you are doing, do not succum to you temptation to tell him that you love him. If he loves you or misses you he WOULD tell you. The guy i was a wreck over actually told me this to my face and then I knew I needed to accept it. And I believe that to be true, and if he is scared like you think, then oviously his fear is too great for him to let himself be happy let alone try and be a happy presence for you.

I wish you the best.

he is slowly fading into the back of my mind Every day it gets easier. But I hate the fact that it had to end this way to begin with. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. And why he didn't just talk to me. But I guess that was part of him not being ready to be in a relationship. Because he just didn't know what to do.

But I'm getting over it. I know that eventually I'll find someone who loves me, and who won't just give up on me. *i really hope anyway* But next time I'm not giving my heart away so easily.