Is Anger holding me back?

[Dark-Blue Zeus]

I'm 23 years old now since jan 20, and for about 3 year now my mother and father were supposed to be divorced. the story goes like this- since I was about 6 my dad/ex-marine dad was extremely abusive. and it was mostly to me. I came from 3 other brothers who easily bent to his whim but I wanted to be my own person. I was never good with sports and I had long thin fingers despite my size. I found comfort in drawing and working with my hands and, it made him mad i wasn't using it for sports. you see from all the beatings he would give me didn't give me a tolerance for pain, it gave me a FEAR of pain. and playing football wasn't going to help get over it. so in my senior year, since no one had the grapefruits to try and help me I took matters into my own hands, and got him arrested. naturally I lost all friends and family because of it. now that he's been gone for some time, we went ahead and got a restraining order against him. I've had NUMEROUS chances to send him to jail. and believe me. I want to do it. but my mother who blames me for him being arrested refuses to let me do it, so he continues to violate the order. they're messing around and not comitting to this odivorce and both of them are trying to involve me in it. I hate this man. I want to kill him. my blood boils when he's in proximity. I have nightmares of how he used to hurt me. all the tears, and blood, and scars on my heart and body that I possess. In my mind my brain constantly tells me to get him. go after him. make him pay. and I don't think I'll ever be able to keep steady friends or relationships as long as I have his rage in my heart. this murderous intent. What do I do? I feel like I'm going insane.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Well obviously right off the bat you haven't forgiven him. You are always going to feel this inside of you until you forgive him and learn to move on. So regardless of whether you act on sending him to jail or not. You are still going to have a lot of anger, along with other emotions you are going to deal with.

You say you're 23, you're still living at home?? If this is still an issue, and he is still coming around. And it doesn't bother your mother to be with a man who could abuse her children. Then you need to come to terms with the fact that your mother is not going to just give him up for you. And knowing that, you're going to have to start thinking about living somewhere else.

No one is going to make you happy but yourself. If you don't change things for yourself, no one else will. You have to get out of that situation. How will you ever begin to heal, if you are still there dealing with the whole situation?? Even if your mother gave him up, and stopped seeing him. It's still going to be there. And eventually if you don't already you may grow angry towards her.

You're 23 now! Your mother is going to see who she wants, and you don't have to live under her house. You need to find a way to get out of there, and start a life of your own. You should also seek some help. Talking to someone getting this kinda stuff out is a start, and it will eventually help you to forgive him. I'm sure the last thing in your mind is forgiving him, but releasing the hate you have inside yourself is only going to be possible if you do that.

I would first start on trying to get out of there, because if this man has been around since you were a kid, and your mother is still seeing him. Then nothing is going to change, and you have to take matters into your own hands.  

[Dark-Blue Zeus]

It's a complicated situation....but i have no one to talk to. I have to sit and fester with all of this.  

[lady leko-chan]

i agree with sleeping princess on this.
her advice is really right on.
I think many people would be happy to talk here so feel free.
If you feel you need something more, a counselor may be a good idea.
That would give you both a person to talk with and productive, perfessional feed back.
Your situation does not seem like a mild one.
^_~
hang in there!  

[Dark-Blue Zeus]

I've tried counseling, but here where I am they don't listen as much as they're trying to make money.
I already went that route once. they didn't help at all. they just overcharged me. and sent me away.

I don't have anyone. I even tried a forum like this once and the results didn't turn out well.
I'm not asking anyone to worry.. I just need advice is all.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Dark-Blue Zeus

It's a complicated situation....but i have no one to talk to. I have to sit and fester with all of this.

well talking to all of us here is one option. we are here to talk to, and as long as you write I know I for one will answer.

But also you should really seek out professional help. It really would help you immensely. You need someone to talk, and talking to a family member doesn't seem like it's going to work.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Dark-Blue Zeus

I've tried counseling, but here where I am they don't listen as much as they're trying to make money.
I already went that route once. they didn't help at all. they just overcharged me. and sent me away.

I don't have anyone. I even tried a forum like this once and the results didn't turn out well.
I'm not asking anyone to worry.. I just need advice is all.

well in my opinion maybe you should see your family doctor? Maybe he could recommend you a good counselor or someone for you to talk to. Look up online for people in your area, do your research. My advice is you aren't going to be able to find an easy solution to the pain and anger you're feeling inside. If you really want to get better, and change your life around. That is going to have to be something you decide within yourself. You have to make an effort. There isn't going to be a magic word or piece of paper that is going to make everything ok  

[lady ayami chan]

I once tried to see a councelor and things did not go so well for me either. But it was just the place that I had first gone to, not conceling all together. Are you in school right now or anything? Some universities offer good, and free, counceling services. Just a thought. But yah - do, do your research and look to see what might be available to you around your area. If it is just that you want someone to talk to, or general advice/opinions then I know that I would also be happy to put in my two cents. Just keep writing and as long as I can form an opinion I will answer too.
^_^  

[Patron with a Mission]

Dark-Blue Zeus

I'm 23 years old now since jan 20, and for about 3 year now my mother and father were supposed to be divorced. the story goes like this- since I was about 6 my dad/ex-marine dad was extremely abusive. and it was mostly to me. I came from 3 other brothers who easily bent to his whim but I wanted to be my own person. I was never good with sports and I had long thin fingers despite my size. I found comfort in drawing and working with my hands and, it made him mad i wasn't using it for sports. you see from all the beatings he would give me didn't give me a tolerance for pain, it gave me a FEAR of pain. and playing football wasn't going to help get over it. so in my senior year, since no one had the grapefruits to try and help me I took matters into my own hands, and got him arrested. naturally I lost all friends and family because of it. now that he's been gone for some time, we went ahead and got a restraining order against him. I've had NUMEROUS chances to send him to jail. and believe me. I want to do it. but my mother who blames me for him being arrested refuses to let me do it, so he continues to violate the order. they're messing around and not comitting to this odivorce and both of them are trying to involve me in it. I hate this man. I want to kill him. my blood boils when he's in proximity. I have nightmares of how he used to hurt me. all the tears, and blood, and scars on my heart and body that I possess. In my mind my brain constantly tells me to get him. go after him. make him pay. and I don't think I'll ever be able to keep steady friends or relationships as long as I have his rage in my heart. this murderous intent. What do I do? I feel like I'm going insane.

As someone who has been abused by a parent, I can relate to the feeling rage part. I can also relate to the inability to forgive them.

At this point in time, all I can tell you is to be your own person and choose for yourself what you want to do. Counseling works, but for now, just go alone. I sense you're not quiet ready for family.  

[Wixandrettas]

You definitely need to remember the day you had the strength to have him arrested and the restraining order issued. That took alot of strength on your own to do. Its definitely strength and dont let anyone including your family tell you differently.

I grew up with very abusive parents myself. I thankfully have not seen my father since I was 13 (198 cool , but years and years later, my mother never could get away from Alcohol nor did she accept the counseling she received.

I havent talked with her for almost 10 months now because I refuse to deal with her drunk, refuse to deal with her abusive behavior, and no rule in the world says that because she is my mother, I have to deal with it. And, I told that to her last July over the phone when she tried her s**t. I said my peace and hung up on her.

She has her Sisters and Brothers convinced of how lonely she is, but NOT telling them what she has caused between us. So now, she has them trying to convince me to call her, support her, be there for her blah blah blah.

I have had to stand up to my own aunts and uncles reminding them that there are NO rules that state I have to support a person who would rather deal with their issues in alcohol to the point that they have to be so damn verbally abusive. Mother or NO Mother, I do not have to put up with that and I most certainly will NOT allow this s**t to go on around my daughter or future husband.

The sad part is my mother has tried to get my 19 yr old sister involved by trying to convince her to get me to go over her house. My sister has told our mother off for thinking she can play these games and to get a hold of her life and get help. My sister doesnt even blame me for not wanting our mother in my life. I put up with one abusive parent for 13 years, why the hell should I put up with her? Its no skin off my back and lets face it, the only way people in turmoil can get better is that they have to WANT it to get better.

Clearly you have a volatile situation. If that man is violating his court order, I would report it. He is clearly still abusive and disregarding the terms of the restraining order set on him. You can even explain to the police the impact it is having on your mother. Yup-She wont like it, but, I am willing to bet the Police would give her some resources to take advantage of if she really wants help.

For you however: You have some serious pent-up anger that definitely needs attention. Someone suggested talking with your physician to get a better referral to a better clinician: I concur...

I do the medical billing for all of our Behavioral Health facilities where I work, and let me tell you, the people I represent are amazing. I know you will find people like that too... you have to learn to turn your negativity into something pro-active. Get yourself the help you need.

If your family wont open up to the fact that this is a volatile situation, then that is family that you dont need right now. You need help. I would definitely report this guy for violating his restraining order.

And yes.. like the others have said: You most certainly can talk with us here. I know I can totally relate with this circumstance and would like to be added to the group here who will gladly and willingly help!  

[Shinigami Unity]

I have no found, honestly, that the best way to deal with feelings of rage is independence. I don't know why - and I'm not saying that I'm living the high life.

I'm actually struggling to support myself and can't afford groceries very often. But - having something that's "mine" has given me the safety to deal with feelings of rage from abusive parents.

Also - professional counseling only helps once you've reached a certain point AND have found a worthy counselor. Since everyone is different it's likely that you may have to go through several to build up that trust.

Good luck!