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 Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:51 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:52 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:54 pm
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Entries from my mother's notebook.
These are all snippets from my mom's notebook, one of the only things I have that is purely her in the form of a keepable object. It is a strange mix of doodles, recepies, and rambling ideas she wrote down during the sleepless hours when she'd go off her medicine. As a result, a lot of it doesn't make much sense. However, you can see her unvieled affection toward me and Will and Jud.
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TO WILLIAM AND VIVIAN:
If I could save time in a bottle, with dreams to make wishes come true
I'd spend every day eternity passes away just to spend time with you
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Herbal Mushrooms
2 large shallots, ends cut off, peeled, and thinly sliced
2tbsp. extra virgin olive oil
3/4
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Vivian is Mommas sweetie girl and she will always be my sweetie girl
Nobody will ever take that away from me. I love my sweetie girl Vivian Grace
she's the bright spot in my undoubtedly dull existence. I wish only the very best for her. I hope she will always know that I'm here for her no matter what and there's nothing she can't tell me. I will always love my sweetie girl. My best friend!
Vivian's mom- Gina
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HOT FART WAITING FOR A PLACE TO HAPPEN
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Mushrooms, especially Shiitakes, are being scrutinized for their ability to boost the immune system. Tossed with garlic and herbs, the mushrooms make a tasty topper for a no-fuss pizza.
Prep: 30 min. Bake: 20 min.
Stand: 10 min.
Mounds of Mushroom Pizza
1 16oz. loaf frozen bread dough, thawed
Milk
6 cups sliced fresh mushrooms about 1 lb.
1 clove cl 1/2 to 1/4 cup snipped fresh herbs such as oregano, basil or parsley
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Breaker, breaker 1-9 can you follow this:
ACE HARDWARE HAS THE JOB.
BECAUSE JUDY WATTS WORKS AT HOME DEPOT
LOWES LOST THE BID
AND
GINA SAID TO PAPA ETHEL AND HE AGREED TO CALL ACE HARDWARE <-- 10-4 copy?
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New gift bags for new "future" Hospital Visits
Drench brand lotion
((unintellible line))
"CABOTOL" makeup small looking tool boxes full of mascara- eyeshado, blusher, and base cream with small cotton balls & "wands"
{Avon & Mary Kay on the project}
To let the patients know I am out there the care package must change from plastic flip flops that come from the jail then to the hospitals I put it all in a G
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[WANTED] I HAVE DISLEXIA THE SEVEREST ONE YOU KNOW NUMERICAL DISLEXIA I NEED A PROFESSIONAL AND SHORT HAND EXPERT TO HELP ME WITH MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY INTERESTED? I DRAW SSD YOU'LL HAVE TO CONTACT A COUSIN, the next best thing to a good FRIEND IS WHAT A COUSIN THAT'S WHAT SO CALL MY HUSBANDS COUSINS HOUSE ALAN B. OR HIS HONEY SANDY AT ((phone numbers))
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T-shirts
I HAVE ONE NERVE LEFT AND YOUR ON IT.
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Go to Micheals craft store or Walmart after 1st-
Hoop's
Embroidery canvas & strings
Cross stitch design's
Embroidery ink tubes
T-dye
Go back by shopping at the Save More store
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How much exactly how much a business lisence & ----> where is Patent office in G'ville I have a idea I refuse to write it down
SOLAR HOME w/ propane & wood ((unintellible)) Octogon shaped loop.
Round cabin- with a fireplace <--- Rock
going up the middle of the room where you can see right through it with flowers
Three stories- (Real Estate co. that Dad worked from, Pelzer Modle home) combined with my idea along with Charlie McCall's construction co, find out who <---he works for when I go down to Landrum & put
Masons
Carpenters
& Painters who are out of work no transportation get them there somehow.
Basically a Solar home that's Handicap friendly housing with ramps that wrap around the round walls with Victora's talent windows
would be round let her make stain glass!
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ANOTHER IDEA
Something to give Mom
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Name of Band- The Denims
Get denim coats & teach the girls how to cross stitch and embroidery their individual stuff I want a tiny harley wings on the cuff back of mine and we'll have the beginning of a all area Ladies Harley club and maybe one day because of my small contribution to a good cause we'll make a difference and make a world full of woe in the year 2004 grow into a better future for everybody everywhere no matter what race, culture, religion or heritage- Basically every man, woman, and child and we'll be able to give, finally give peace a chance
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Oh the wheels in the sky keep on turning, don't know where I'll be tomorrow
Sent a letter on a warm summer day
Oh I'm running down this dusty road and the wheels in the sky keep on turning don't know where I'll be tomorrow
The wheels in the sky keep on turning....for Tomorrow
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Happiness is not having what you want but it's wanting what you have.
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We may not have it all together
but...
together we have it all.
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The impossible takes a little longer
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If you have a difficult task- share it with a lazy man- and he'll find an easy way to do it.
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Why worry
There's only two things to worry about
Either your sick or your well
If your well there is nothing to worry about
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Great minds run in great familieas
----
I remember-
The faster I go
The behinder I get
----
If your feet smell
and your nose runs
you was built upside down
----
I know you believe you understand what think I said
But I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
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I Gina G. Hopkins do solomnly swear that the next weekend that comes we will do whatever Vivian wants to do.
Because she is my sweeite-eetie and girly girl purty-urty and my one and only girl I love with all my heart!
Vivian Grace is the girl I've always wanted and I hope I never disappoint her ever again!
I love my Viv!
Said Gina Hopkins
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JUD loves the Gina and GINA loves Jud
Ginagonnadoa((waroteyapotroee?)) on Jud! And he's gonna like it.
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One Banana
Two Banana
Three Banan
Four
Open up the door
and you won't
See me anymore
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, Na!
----
Don't you know you are my sunshine?
And I love you very much!
Judson and Gina forever!
----
Just how much does Judson love Gina?
Ask Gina I guess she'll never know.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:56 pm
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Xanga entry Monday, May 19, 2008
Everyone has problems. Yeah. Everyone's got problems. That's a fact of life. We are all given the strength to deal with those problems the same way an athlete trains for the big games. We feel the pain of the daily struggle, and if we tough it out and feel it through, we can overcome the big blows in life. Or if we're born a third-generation star and never have to work for our victories, we get soft and break down when the smallest thing goes wrong. Or if we can't take it and drown ourselves in steroids just to have our quick fix to make it through, we'll rot until it catches up with us.
Come on everybody, let's go wallow in our ******** misery, let's see where it gets us.
You know, I said that I was going to try to express my opinions more, but I'm still too scared to. I feel like it's so easy for someone to misunderstand me because I think in strange ways. Misunderstandings suck. Why do you think I'm posting this here and not on Myspace?
I've felt emotional pain so intense that it's made me feel physically sick.
But love is stronger than death.
I truly believe that because I've felt it myself now. Love is my antidote for this black poison of grief. It's the only antidote that works. People try all kinds of other things, substances that are just a band-aid solution. Only love can heal a wound this deep.
I don't have much of a family. I've always felt like there were three people in my family- well, the one I could hold and talk to is gone. I have an artificial family, and it's made up of all of my friends. I don't always get to see them every day, or talk to them, and that's fine. As long as there is love, and simple, unconditional acceptance, that is more than enough.
There is someone that I love very deeply, that is suffering and I don't even know why. My worst fear is to ever feel that feeling again. That feeling that you are losing someone even as you're holding their hand. That they are suffering and there's nothing that you can do.
The guilty feeling, deep inside, that asks why does this have to happen to me. That selfishness. The wishing that every body would just bury their ******** problems and deal with it, because their pain is crushing me. The life saver keeping my head above water has been pulled away from me and I'm sinking.
This is real. I don't say things or do things like this just because I'm mad that no one's making me the tragic hero in the story of my life. I don't need that bullshit. All I've ever wanted- needed- is a group of people I can talk with and laugh with. I want everyone to be happy. I want to help the ones I love as much as they've helped me.
And I don't really have an answer or a solution. I can't tell people to flip a switch and decide that everything's okay. People don't work like that. I know that the best thing I can do is wait for the good times to be around again.
I just don't understand why the bad times had to be now.
I like having the strength to help my friends. I feel honored to be able to repay the people who have given me the ability to live and feel. I would fiercely protect any of the people that mean something to me. But it's as if life decided to give everyone trouble the moment that I'm barely strong enough to help myself. I know that people are capable of handling themselves without me. But me makes me feel like a more worthy person when I don't have to just take and take and take all the time.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I'm not trying to command people to change because, like I said, you can't just flip a switch and stop being sad. Hell, I know that better than anyone. In fact, me saying that all this negativity is killing me just sounds melodramatic and is more likely to perpetuate the chain of misery than help it. I mean, that's just adding to their problems. Yep, another friend is talking all emo. What else is new. Let's counter-attack with justifying how bad our lives really are or else tell her to STFU.
I know. Talking about how bad I feel isn't going to make you feel good at all. That would be ridiculous if it did. And I don't want to make anyone unhappy. That would only sadden me more. You see what a vicious chain this is? So why am I writing this? Yeah, I don't know. I guess to say...the best way to make me happy is to be happy. Yeah, I know! No one is obligated to put on a fake smile. That would only make it worse. And I mean that too. I guess the only answer is...try. Try to be happy. Try to see the light in every situation. Try to live every day as if you are fighting against some force that's trying to bring you down.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:57 pm
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Xanga entry Friday, June 13, 2008
So this will now be my grieving journal.
I was laying in bed just now and somehow I started thinking of the foods my mom used to make. The most notable one is fried taters and onions. That's like her trademark. I bet if I made it one time before Will got home, he'd know exactly what it was....and probably wonder if I was okay.
But I kinda feel like I want to make it though. Isn't that weird?
And I remember how she used to make biscuits. Nothing really fancy, but what I remember the most is that she'd use a glass to cut out the biscuits from the dough. That was back before my parents divorced. Later on, she started making biscuits with mayonnaise in them...which oddly made them pretty good.
She liked cornbread a lot, which I don't....she liked to pour milk over cornbread in a bowl.
Another trademark of hers were salmon patties. Those were just canned salmon mashed together with a couple of eggs, made into a patty, and fried. She really had a thing for fried foods. (She was very Southern, if you couldn't tell already.)
It always amazed me how she could lay a piece of breaded meat into a pan full of popping grease and not get seriously hurt. I remember seeing her flour-tipped fingers come so close to the pan whenever she did that.
Her hands weren't ladylike at all. They were large like her feet and limbs, and her fingernails were worn down and knobbly from biting her nails so much. When I was younger I would put my hand inside of hers and she would say that I could play the piano with as long and skinny my fingers were.
Whenever we were out riding around we always stopped somewhere for refreshment. If it was cool enough I'd get cappuccino from Bountyland (cheapest and best EVER!) and if it was too hot for that we'd get Jamoca shakes from Arby's.
You know, she was the one who got me liking coffee. My dad never liked it. I can remember all the way back to 6 years old, she'd let me drink the cold dregs of her coffee. One time me and Will drank all the specialty coffee creamers in the fridge and we got in serious trouble.
She gave me random stuff so often that I actually started to get annoyed by it, because most of the time it was clothes she picked up from the thrift store's special 1 dollar bag day...and she never seemed to grasp my style. She was somewhat stuck back in the 90s. *shudder*
All the same, what never crossed my mind somehow was that it meant she thought about me constantly, even when we didn't see her that often. My friends can remember, I used to always have a shirt or jewelry and if they asked me where I got it, I'd say, "My Mommy gave it to me." in a cute happy voice because I thought it was funny.
One day recently I wore purple amethyst earrings she gave me, and Ojiisan said something about them, and I almost said that exact thing again...but it just kind of couldn't come out. I didn't want to see the reaction, I guess.
The ring that she used as her wedding ring was a fake yellow-orange gem that she asked to borrow from me. She said she'd wear it until she could get something better.
That night at the emergency room where she was first admitted to when Jud noticed her acting strange...I realized that they might take the ring off her. This bothered me a lot. So I asked her if she wanted me to hold onto it for her. She looked at me but didn't answer...she couldn't answer, or didn't understand. But I knew that she would agree if she could. So I took the ring off her and pressed it to her palm, with her hand in mine, and I told her that I was holding onto it until she got better, so...she'd better get better, so I could give it back to her.
I still have it.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:59 pm
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Xanga entry Sunday, June 22, 2008
Another thing my mom was known for was her sweet tea. Once again, it was very Southern-style, with loads of sugar.
A few minutes ago I was thinking about the foods she used to make again and so I got up and made some tea the way she used to. During the summer when I stayed with her she always nagged me to make tea, and I always used the excuse that I didn't know how (cause I didn't). She taught me the way she did it like, five times, and it's not that hard at all, but I always let it go one ear and out the other. I remember exactly how to do it now.
She'd put 5 teabags in a microwavable bowl and microwave it with water for 5 minutes. Then she'd put 3 cups of sugar in a gallon jug and pour the hot tea in, then fill the rest with water. Later we'd taste it and add a little more sugar if needed.
For some reason when I was in the middle of making tea a wave of intense anger came over me. I thought, "Why? Why of all people did this have to happen to me!" I almost threw something.
Yesterday at work I was working at the cash register in the morning. I was doing okay until a woman that resembled my mom a little came in. They didn't look similar in the face much, but she had big dorky glasses and wore the same style of clothing that used to exasperate me.
I completely lost my focus. I kind of considered telling my boss that I wasn't trying to be sloppy, I was just distracted because a flood of flashbacks and dark thoughts were hitting me. But I didn't want him to think I was asking to go home, because I didn't want to go home...and I didn't want comforting...I just wanted to be excused for not being at my best.
By the end of the day I was gloomy and somewhat apathetic. I didn't really care that it was hot and my feet hurt and it sucks washing dishes...so I actually got done sooner than usual.
I saw Yoru on last night on Trillian and of course the first thing he does is say he hasn't seen me in awhile but "he's seen my pet around" being condescending toward Axel as usual. That pissed me off so I told him he should be glad Axel's around, seeing as how my mom's dead. He didn't say anything after that.
Honestly, I can't understand why he acts like that about Axel. If no other reason, then because he ought to know that I don't have pets. I mean, that implies that you don't really care about who you're with, that you're only with them to pass the time and you intend to drop them eventually.
Anyone that's around me enough is aware of just how much I care about Axel. It's true that without him, I'm not quite sure what state I'd be in.
But whatever. If he needs to think that to make himself feel better, then so be it. He can't accept the fact that he's lost the place of #1 in my heart. But I know it better than anyone, so it doesn't bother me. And if he really, truely, does still care about me, I'm sorry for that. I wish that he didn't have to suffer because of that. Because, creul as it may seem, it will not change my mind.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:00 pm
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Xanga entry Thursday, June 26, 2008
My friend, I do not choose anger. Anger just consumes me. And when it does, I do my best to stay away from people because I know it isn't me. I know it's not a lasting anger that has a concrete reason.
Just to clarify, that's what this blog is now for. It's for venting the overwhelming feelings that I am having at the time. I could easily say something I don't mean five minutes later. So don't read too much into it.
It may seem like I'm brooding and dwelling, but look at how far apart the entries are.
This isn't me. It's the worst part of me, actually.
I am living happily. For her. I am becoming a less wishy-washy person. I have developed a very strong sense of justice.
What do you expect? Do you expect me to say 'okay' and suppress every dark thought that comes into my mind? I've tried that method, I don't think it really works. I have the right to grieve and I will use that right. If you don't want to read this blog then don't. It will never be pleasant viewing. It's not for other people's benefit...it's for mine, and I don't need anyone to see it. I would rather no one see it if it gives people the wrong idea.
I'm being harsh, but that's how I feel right now. That's how I feel anytime I come here, because that's why I come here. To get it out so it doesn't build up. So I don't turn into a monster. So I CAN live happily.
Here, I got this from a website. It should help a little. This same website also suggested having a grieving journal.
How You Can Support a Grieving Friend
* Educate yourself about what your grieving friend is going through. Read books on grief, listen to tapes, talk with others who have grieved. You can expect your grieving friend to be emotional, raw, restless, unpredictable. Don't expect him or her to be back to normal soon. Sometimes your friend may want to be with you and sometimes he or she may want to be alone. Sometimes he or she may want to talk and sometimes to be silent together.
* It is important to acknowledge the death that has occurred and the impact this has had on your friend. Express interest in your friend's feelings and concerns. Remember that you don't have to make your friend feel better. If your friend cries, be as supportive as you can. If your friend needs to talk, listen. Be trustworthy with confidences. Avoid giving lots of advice; you may feel impelled to do this because you feel helpless in the face of your friend's pain.
* Help in small ways-- you can bring your friend meals, flowers, offer to do errands, send cards or check in by phone.
* Be willing to admit your helplessness in the situation. Be honest if you feel overwhelmed or frightened by the intensity of your friend's feelings. You may need to pull back for awhile; let your friend know that you are doing this.
* Try not to take rejection personally. Many people who are grieving don't have the energy to be considerate or nice.
* Your friendship will probably change as your friend is grieving. Some friendships deepen but some drift apart. Grieve the loss of the old friendship and be open to changes.
"The death of a parent is a shattering experience, wounding us and flooding us with powerful forces. The boundaries of our world are torn away, and suddenly life seems bigger than we might have imagined, terrifyingly bigger. A parent's death can shatter us, leaving lifetime scars, or it can shatter our limits sense of our selves, opening up our world into new dimensions. For the latter to happen we must be willing to take a journey through grief, following what may often seem like a long, dark passage that will, in its own time, open out into vast new worlds."
From Losing a Parent by Alexandra Kennedy
Ten Steps to Grieving the Loss of a Parent
The death of a parent is a life-shaking event for which few are prepared. This experience can wound us deeply, leaving lifetime scars. Or it can, if grieved fully, initiate profound, unprecedented change and open our world into new perspectives and choices. The following steps to grieving the loss of a parent (whether recently or in the past) will tap this transformative potential.
* Acknowledge the importance and power of this event. The death of a parent shakes the very foundation of our lives. It is natural, though often uncomfortable, to feel raw and vulnerable, alone, out of control. Rather than resisting the powerful forces activated in grief, learn strategies for moving through it, stage by stage, day by day.
* Take time each day to honor your grief. Set up a sanctuary in your home or in nature, a protected place where you can open fully to your grief for ten to twenty minutes every day. Using the sanctuary, gradually you will find a rhythm of entering the grief for a period each day, then letting it go and attending to daily tasks.
* Address any unfinished business with your parent. It is very common for unresolved feelings toward your parent to surface after his or her death. The grieving period is an important time to heal these old wounds and begin to say good-bye.
* Participate in creating new family patterns. The family system is often thrown into chaos and upheaval after a parent's death. Old patterns don't work with the same predictable results. The family may thrash around for months, seeking a new balance with one another. This is a brief window of opportunity, when the family is opened up to change before a new system is established. You can either be thrown into this new system or consciously participate in creating new patterns that are healthy for you.
* Explore the direction and quality of your life. The death of a parent often initiates a period of painful questioning: Where am I going in my life? What do I really value? What are my beliefs? Does my life really matter? This questioning is a critical part of the grieving process. Out of it will come new perspectives, directions and choices.
* Don't pressure yourself to "get back to normal". Many expect that grief will be over in a few weeks or months. Grief has its own rhythm, nature and timing that resist our attempts to control it. For some, though certainly not all, there is a marked shift around the first anniversary of your parent's death. However, as the years pass, the grief may well up from time to time. Each time it surfaces, see it as an opportunity for more healing.
* Learn to parent yourself. Give yourself nurturance, love, protection and encouragement. Clarify the expectations you had of your parent that he or she never could fulfill. In seeing the relationship for what it was rather than what you wanted it to be, you can grieve what your parent didn't give you and begin to appreciate what he or she did give you.
* Let your friends know what you want and need from them. Offer them some suggestions of ways that they can help and support you-- perhaps bringing you a meal, doing some errands, giving you a back rub, taking a walk with you, checking in on you regularly. Assert that your need to withdraw. Let him or her know about anything that he or she is doing that is not supportive. Encourage your friends to educate themselves about grief so that they will know what to expect. Remind them that grief takes a long time to heal.
* Each year acknowledge the anniversary of your parent's death. Take time to reflect and do something special to commemorate that date. Be gentle with yourself, as this is a vulnerable time in which many may feel depressed or emotional.
* Celebrate the changes and new perspectives. These will begin to manifest in your life as you move out of the dark middle phase of grief. When you feel ready, act on new ideas, inspirations and insights.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:01 pm
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Xanga entry Sunday, July 20, 2008
"This sucks doesn't it?"
That's what she said to me in a dream.
I've had more dreams about her this week. Probably because worrying about other things lowers the general level of optimism.
That dream was weird because we were talking, and in the dream it was normal....I mean in the dream I'd forgotten completely. But then she said that, and I remembered. Sometimes I have dreams like that, where I suddenly realize it's a dream.
Last night I dreamed that I lost Axel...well, I know why that is. It's the manifestation of one of my biggest fears. When I think about the possibility of him going away and me not seeing him, and possibly even losing him because of it, it makes me mad because I swore that I was not going to let life jerk me around. That I would never again let someone be taken from me without a fight.
If he goes away, I may not be able to go too, and I may not be able to follow at once, but I will follow. I do not want to stop him from doing what he wants to do. I love him. He is the other half of me. I should not be his burden. I should be his wings.
I know full well what his luck is like. I know that he has always been surrounded with people that end up either turning on him or vanishing. If I can be the difference....if I can show him what love really means....then perhaps I can get him to hold onto this world longer than he would have before.
I am worried because even if he doesn't leave now, we will be pulled apart to some extent because of my upcoming schedule. I'm about to be working a lot more.
Maybe I'm worried needlessly. Maybe things will work out and I won't have to resort to drastic measures.
When I think of this I feel like sinking to my knees and begging "No, not yet...not now...I need him...I need him!" and then that makes me mad because I'm sick of being helpless. People I love get taken from me and what?? Why? No, I won't let it happen. I just won't.
Yesterday I went to momma's house to visit Jud and it was somewhat overwhelming. If ordinary things make me remember her, that place definitely did. Every bit of it did. The simplest thought...wishing that I could hug her... upset me so much. It always did before when I couldn't see her. I guess because she was very huggy and gave big squishy hugs too.
There were ice pops in the freezer just like there always was during the summertime. I stayed over there summer before last and we slept in the living room because it was so hot and that's where the window unit was. One night we stayed up the whole time talking and then got up and made coffee at around 6am. And there were plenty of times that I wanted to play Kingdom Hearts on the TV but of course Jud wanted to watch the race. Momma would call him a grumpy-a** old man and sometimes he'd let me play after that. Only sometimes though. Haha.
I watched the whole series of Full Metal Alchemist in one sitting on my computer. There's no internet there, so I did that and made some AMVs.
I recently started watching FMA again. I was kind of wondering if it was a good idea or not, considering that the entire thing is heavy with philosophies on life and death and the feelings associated with it. Hughes' death affected me more than it used to this time. I don't know how they did it, but the little girl perfectly captured the desperation mingled with disbelief when she kept saying that he had to do his work.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:02 pm
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Xanga entry Monday, August 04, 2008
How would you grieve and heal after the death of a loved one?
So far, the best I have been able to do after losing my mother is to make it day to day without resisting all of the powerful and crippling feelings that I have experienced. The wost thing I've felt is anger. I'm only 19; not only is it far too soon for my mom to go, I don't have my own family or life to say "I must keep going for the sake of my own children" like my brother. It makes me angry that she was taken from me like this. Sadness is there too, but it's easier for other people to understand, and less offensive. All the same, the way I am healing is by trying to let myself feel these things and not bottle them up inside. Something like this is too big for me to hide. As a result, my grief has lost some of its crippling intensity. Day after day, I keep thinking that the best I can do is try to be a stronger and more confident person, so that this experience doesn't go to waste. I keep thinking, "the worst thing that could possibly happen has already happened. Things aren't so scary after all."
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Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 5:23 pm
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