What are your thoughts about my situation?

[Otia]

Ok. My boy friend spends a lot of time in this guild, and he flirts consistantly with all the girls. I'm trying to come to terms with it and treat it as though it's just stupid and means nothing, but it kind of bothers me. What are your thoughts and ideas on the subject? Is there something I should do about it in some small way, or..?  

[ThisEmptySoul]

A lot of people figure that as long as it's online and there's no physical contact, then it's fine. I, however, am not one of these people. I would consider it cheating if he is flirting seriously {jokingly might be different depending on what he's doing/saying}, even if he didn't take things further with them.

Jokingly flirting is a little different if he is doing it with no intention of trying to "seduce" someone or get them to like him... and also as long as he isn't acting too serious about it or getting too intimate. For example, sometimes people will do it to get a laugh or just to be silly {my brother often flirts with my brother-in-law to be funny}, and other times people will think they are boosting the other person's confidence and self-esteem by throwing a flirt or two their way. There are also times when one will say or do things that others would consider "flirtatious", but the person themselves thinks that they are just being friendly {such as when people use the words "hon", "honey", "sweety", "love", and "darling" to casually refer to others.}

However, no matter what the situation, you should talk to him about it. Trying to "fix" it in ways other than talking to him won't really help anything and could potentially make things worse depending how you approach it. You have to let him know that it upsets you and why. Guys will often keep doing what they're used to doing if you don't speak up and let them know that it bothers you... if you don't say anything, they'll assume that you're not bothered by it. After speaking honestly about it, perhaps he will better understand your feelings and tone down/stop the flirting {if he cares about you, that is}. If he refuses to talk about it, don't just give up. Keep bringing up the subject to let him know that it's important to you.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Otia

Ok. My boy friend spends a lot of time in this guild, and he flirts consistantly with all the girls. I'm trying to come to terms with it and treat it as though it's just stupid and means nothing, but it kind of bothers me. What are your thoughts and ideas on the subject? Is there something I should do about it in some small way, or..?

I'm not sure what to say.

I know my boyfriend plays around with other girls and such on World of Warcraft, and I have told him, as long as he is honest about what he does, [and as long as he shares biggrin ] I'm cool with whatever he does. This is because I realize that guys cannot be put on leashes and be happy. At least, that is my life experience. Aside from that, the tutors who work with me occasionally hug me, buy me food, and treat me out on food, or hold my hand when I'm crying, all actions that would normally be seen as "cheating". But my boyfriend knows that they are just trying to console me, just as I know that all his flirting or whatnot is to cheer up girls with broken hearts, to let them know they are worth it. He will even go as far as to go and hook them up with other guys he might know on the game or online, or in real life.

The basic issue I am trying to come at is trust.

Do you trust him? If you don't, or if you have REASONABLE doubt, and I mean like a letter or PM saying very specific things such as "I love you and want to be with you," or "let's cyber," then you need to bring it up.

If you do, then go on that trust, and just tell him he is free to be honest as much as he wishes to be; love trusts, and love protects. Love, however, does not allow itself to be defeated by mistrust and lack of communication.

[rambles to herself]  

[Siumbering Princess22]

lol well my boyfriend spends some time in this guild as well. and well he knows better then to flirt. lmao umm i mean if its something you aren't comfortable with you need to tell him. If you aren't happy then the relationship is just gonna go down hill. I wouldn't say to be controlling and crazy jealous. Just let him know where you stand, and that major flirting is not acceptable.

and not wanting him flirting with other girls doesn't mean you don't trust him. Because I trust my boyfriend more then anything. It's more of having a respect for you. Especially since you use this guild as well, and you're going to be seeing the things they say to each other.  

[Veddhartha]

Trust is the key here. At my household situation is counter wise. I'm the flirt one and so is my twin sister. We have same hobby where us women are rare and flirt/tease is common. Guys like us and flirting is just fun. Everyone do know that both of us twins are in relationship and that I'm getting married. No disappointments there, and if seems like it, we make sure no one gets their hopes too high.

My husband-to-be knows that I enjoy flirt just for the sake of it. And one reason why I like throwing small flirt is because I know no one of them can have me. That's the trust there. It might be bit self-centered logic, but I have good self-censorship, I never overdo it. We're charismatic twins with strong presence, that is also a tool for us. We go modeling gigs, guide, teach and so forth, its a family advantage we use.

My fiancée has seen what impact me/us has to our surroundings (especially if we twins are somewhere together) and knows how much I love him. He refers those guys as fanboys and takes a pride of it - he has something that none of them can never have. wink

See the logic? biggrin
But to original topic, flirting online is troublematic. Not as clear to see intentions. Talking honestly and directly with him, as said, is the only real solution.  

[Areashine]

I pretty much agree with everyone here. It's probably harmless, but if you're not comfortable with it, you need to talk to him. If he knows you have a problem with it, I'm sure he won't do it. Have an open discussion about it, maybe you do something he isn't comfortable with.  

[MojinR]

Trust and respect. If you don't like what he's doing, tell him. It's got to be open. Trust me on this. If you aren't going to be completely honest with how you feel about the situation, a wall will rise up between you two. And he's got to be honest in turn. Some men like the attention, just like women that like attention will go out and flirt. If he does then...well its a conversation you two should have about respect, boundaries and such. If its just him having fun and its something he can stop or doesn't mind stopping then all is well.  

[Otia]

Well, I have talked to him already. Since I found out recently, I've brought it up a couple times, and when I go to the forum where he does it, he even says in some of his posts that he's going to get in trouble for a certain response he makes. He ignores me when I ask him not to do it. I ask him to stop and he basically tells me to get bent. Every time he asks me to stop doing something, I try my best to cut it out.
The other day, I replied in one of the threads titled 'answer a question with a question'... The last thing someone said was 'where has {one of the girls he flirts with SN's} gone?' and I replied 'Maybe I killed her because she's been flirting with my boy friend?'
My boy friend got extremely upset with me IRL and posted something to the order of 'you're a b***h get out of here' and then his friends called me immature, but then dragged two pages talking about me. So... I'm thinking that they're probably more immature than I am, but, I'm not going to tell them that. I don't want to because I'm putting my foot forward and trying to be the opposite of what they were saying and avoid actually starting crap with them and their 'you're bringing drama to geezer guild!' crap, when they started it by typing LJIWHGLKJGRW flirty crap to MY boy friend.
I'm getting upset, thus the 'LJIWHGLKJGRW'. >< ;
It's really ticking me off, though... ='  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Otia

Well, I have talked to him already. Since I found out recently, I've brought it up a couple times, and when I go to the forum where he does it, he even says in some of his posts that he's going to get in trouble for a certain response he makes. He ignores me when I ask him not to do it. I ask him to stop and he basically tells me to get bent. Every time he asks me to stop doing something, I try my best to cut it out.
The other day, I replied in one of the threads titled 'answer a question with a question'... The last thing someone said was 'where has {one of the girls he flirts with SN's} gone?' and I replied 'Maybe I killed her because she's been flirting with my boy friend?'
My boy friend got extremely upset with me IRL and posted something to the order of 'you're a b***h get out of here' and then his friends called me immature, but then dragged two pages talking about me. So... I'm thinking that they're probably more immature than I am, but, I'm not going to tell them that. I don't want to because I'm putting my foot forward and trying to be the opposite of what they were saying and avoid actually starting crap with them and their 'you're bringing drama to geezer guild!' crap, when they started it by typing LJIWHGLKJGRW flirty crap to MY boy friend.
I'm getting upset, thus the 'LJIWHGLKJGRW'. >< ;
It's really ticking me off, though... ='

ok...wow!

First off you have talked to him about how your feeling on multiple occasions. Yet he doesn't give a crap?? And the fact that he is pointing it out in threads shows he knows hes doing wrong, and just doesn't give a s**t how it affects you. He's not showing any concern for you, and he isn't respecting you at all. This is much more then him flirting with girls. He let other people talk about you?? I don't care how close he is with these people. You are his girlfriend, and if they had any respect for him they would never talk about you. And if he had any respect for you he would have never let them. And if he gives the excuse that you're being a b***h. You need to stand up for yourself and say DAMN RIGHT I AM! You have talked to him more than enough times for him to understand there is a problem. And instead of trying to fix it or atleast respect you a little bit. He is going and making a fool of you by flirting with these girls and then letting them talk about you.

If I were you I'd reevaluate your relationship with a man who thinks it's ok to flirt with other women and let them talk about you. Any man who lets that happen is not a man that deserves you.  

[Patron with a Mission]

-reevaluates-

Reading your recent post, I now have some more words to say. If he can't respect you or your feelings, drop him. Seriously, drop him.

But, well, I have to say something before you do that. I do actually retaliate my boyfriend's flirting with some of my own.

Example:

Him: "Well, I didn't want to go to the concert last night because there was a pre-made [raid done on WoW]. I'm sorry, but it was fun to talk to people."

Me: "I don't give a damn if the raid leader was conducting with his @#$!^ a bunch of chicks along with you and the other guys! You promised you would. I know you were flirting and now I can do it too."

I thought he was going to get mad at me when he said, "Oh, so you're thinking of the raid leader now!" I stared at him. He then said....

"You're playing along. I'm proud of you."

If you can play along, and have the emotional feelings to deal with it, then you can try that. -shrugs-  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing

-reevaluates-

Reading your recent post, I now have some more words to say. If he can't respect you or your feelings, drop him. Seriously, drop him.

But, well, I have to say something before you do that. I do actually retaliate my boyfriend's flirting with some of my own.

Example:

Him: "Well, I didn't want to go to the concert last night because there was a pre-made [raid done on WoW]. I'm sorry, but it was fun to talk to people."

Me: "I don't give a damn if the raid leader was conducting with his @#$!^ a bunch of chicks along with you and the other guys! You promised you would. I know you were flirting and now I can do it too."

I thought he was going to get mad at me when he said, "Oh, so you're thinking of the raid leader now!" I stared at him. He then said....

"You're playing along. I'm proud of you."

If you can play along, and have the emotional feelings to deal with it, then you can try that. -shrugs-

A year or two ago I would have said right on! But thats just playing games. I use to hate oh well hes gonna do that?? Well I'm gonna do this..and lets see how he likes it. It's only going to get so far before someone gets really hurt and it ends the relationship. What ever happened to just being upfront and honest with each other?? Why play these games back and forth? If you see something upsets your spouse why don't you sit down and think of why it upset them and where you can both compromise to fix the situation?? Why do games always have to come into play? I am so glad I have finally found someone I can be open and honest with. Games ruin a relationshop, and it's no fun to play.

I really don't think you flirting with other guys is really going to help the situation any. It isn't going to make you feel any better about the girls hes flirting with and letting call you names. So you're either going to accept the disrespect he has for you and continue with it. Where it will only get worse down the road. Because if you don't have enough respect for yourself to not let him do it. Then how can HE possibly ever have respect for you?

Your other option is to put your foot down, and tell him you both need to sit down and come to a compromise. Because this isn't the kind of relationship you want to be in or DESERVE to be in. And if that isn't important to him. Then you really need to consider moving on.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

"Getting back at them" games almost always end up making things worse in the end. As the saying goes, "two wrongs don't make a right". If it makes someone happy that you "play along", that just means they don't want their relationship with you to be exclusive and figured if you're going to "play along" then they can do whatever they want and you can't complain without being a hypocrite. It's basically a way to get leverage.

Otia

The other day, I replied in one of the threads titled 'answer a question with a question'... The last thing someone said was 'where has {one of the girls he flirts with SN's} gone?' and I replied 'Maybe I killed her because she's been flirting with my boy friend?'

honestly, that was an immature thing of you to do. You just dragged a personal issue that should exclusively be between you and your boyfriend out into public eye. One of the things that guys dislike most is for their woman to argue or create a scene in public or in front of their friends. If you want to yell at him, then yell at -him-, and do it privately. Don't drag his friends into it because you're having a hard time getting through to him.

However, I do not think your boyfriend or his friends are justified in their actions. His friends should respect that it is a personal issue and try to stay out of it as much as possible, but it's kind of hard for most people to just keep quiet when you are dragging them into the fight and making the issue public.

Now, as for your boyfriend not reacting favorably to you talking about his flirting habits, I would not necessarily jump to the conclusion that the others have {that is, he's inconsiderate of your feelings and/or has little to no respect for you}, but it certainly is leaning toward that conclusion. The only reason I do not fully believe this to be true is because of your reaction to his flirting. Instead of trying your hardest to work out the issue between just the two of you, you brought others into the fight... which leads me to believe that perhaps your approach to talking about it is the problem rather than just your boyfriend being inconsiderate.

If you approach him accusingly, demanding, angrily, or in any other hostile manner, he will go into defense mode. If someone is coming at you with a dagger, your first thought is not going to be to "talk it out". You will either run away or defend yourself. So if your idea of "talking to him about it" is saying something to the effect of, "Stop flirting with those floozies in the guild cause I don't like it", he is not going to take you seriously because you are attacking him and his friends.

Additionally, I would like to point out that even if the girls started it by flirting with your boyfriend first, the blame always goes to your boyfriend for reciprocating. It is not the girls' fault he flirts back, it is his own. So if you are going to be upset with someone, be upset with your boyfriend and leave everyone else out of it.  

[Otia]

Quote:

honestly, that was an immature thing of you to do. You just dragged a personal issue that should exclusively be between you and your boyfriend out into public eye. One of the things that guys dislike most is for their woman to argue or create a scene in public or in front of their friends. If you want to yell at him, then yell at -him-, and do it privately. Don't drag his friends into it because you're having a hard time getting through to him.

However, I do not think your boyfriend or his friends are justified in their actions. His friends should respect that it is a personal issue and try to stay out of it as much as possible, but it's kind of hard for most people to just keep quiet when you are dragging them into the fight and making the issue public.

I just turned nineteen in march and haven't got very much experience in this area, so, yes... I am somewhat immature. ^^ ;

I know what I typed about one of them was wrong, though. I apologized in another thread to her.

And to the idea of leaving him over the respect issue. I've got problems and don't feel that I can just let him go. I can't explain it, but... I love him so much that if he ever left, I'd probably just keel over and die. I feel like I need him. So, I'm going to try to talk to him about respect. Because he has like, none for me.
On a daily basis, he does let people talk badly about me. I never have, but recently I've been lax on it because he lets people say all manners of trash about me and help him make decisions in our relationship.
Not too long ago, I had this terrifying idea. For a brief moment, I thought that maybe I was only in love with the idea of what he used to be...
But, every time I see him, I get bouncy and excited.

Any thoughts about how I should handle this? I want him to understand how direspectful he's being towards me, and I want him to stop flirting with those girls. It hurts my feelings really bad because I consider it cheating. I don't even look at other guys unless I want to make him realise that he's always doing the same thing to me. Which, by the way, he flips out at. I can't even talk about an old FRIEND without him getting jealous. -_-
He usually tells me when I approach him about something he's doing that I don't like... He says that I can't make him change because he wouldn't be himself. He's very, VERY good with words and twisting things around on YOU when you talk to him, especially when he's put in the spot light. He LOVES being in the spot light with our issues to embarrass and hurt me.

One time we were thinking about breaking up and he made me go out to dinner with him and his family to tell them that he was breaking up with me. Of course, because they love me, they stood up for me and told him to stop treating me like a dog (seriuosly, his family told him that) and they tried to make me eat. I couldn't eat, I felt so sick. There was a two and a half day gap between me eating. I knew my body wanted something, but it didn't feel like a stomache issue.(Oh, my gosh, I type a lot. >< ; )

And, yeah. If he finds this thread, he's probably going to yell at me(he shouldn't, but he would. I need help the same way he did when he posted in here, and I'm going to get yelled at when I didn't even yell at him over his thread). I don't want drama in this guild. I want it to stop. This flirting crap is what started it and they say that they don't want any drama... I either need someone to tell me that I'm in the right and that he needs to respect me by talking it out with me and bringing this to a conclusion, or that it's stupid and should be left alone.  

[Otia]

By the way, thank you guys so much. I really need suggestions and you're opening my eyes to how disrespectful he's being towards me. He loves me. This I know, but he is being disrespectful and he's hurting my feelings. sad  

[Otia]

I PM'd each of the girls today. I apologized for acting mean to them over my boy friend flirting with them. They didn't make him reply, and it's not really their fault. ='