Family Issues

[Wuyabi]

My mom and I fight. A lot. About really stupid things. My mom didn't like the new jacket I bought, so she mocked me in front of the saleswoman we were with. My mom didn't like the haircut I recieved, so she made me get a new one according to her specifications, and when it didn't turn out the way either of us wanted, she instructed me to go to the salon of her choice no less than three times, until I could get a cut that both she and I were pleased with.
I very loudly, very rudely, and very very aggressively refused and harangued her on this last point, to the point where she started crying, and Dad chewed me out twice for hurting her feelings.
The second time happened when Mom was out of the house, and Dad announced that Mom had bipolar disorder and was OCD, and that if I ever told Mom this, or lied to Dad about anything, he would disown me.
I know about Mom's mental illnesses and the fact that she refuses to take medication for them; she has notebooks full of things I've said, and used to write down the exact times of day songs would play on the radio, until I told her that radio stations normally have certain sets of songs on a specifically timed rotation.
Dad's tried to use Mom's mental illnesses to scare me into obeying her and him, has used my mental illness (bipolar disorder) to scare Mom and my sister into obeying me and him, and has used my mental illness to scare me into obeying my entire family. (My sister once followed his example by threatening to have me committed over the phone. For the record, I am my own guardian and live in a different house than the rest of my family.)
I take doctor prescribed medication for my mental illness, but my father and mother have insisted that I don't need it. I think my mother sees it as a sign of "chemical dependency." Her chapter of AA, when she attends it, seems to frown on any form of psychiatric help.
My dad thinks I'm "playing games," a sentiment my sister shared with him until she started seeing a counselor.
Despite the on again, off-again counseling I recieve, I cannot seem to control my anger when dealing with them, or deal appropriately with them at all. Their reactions when I tell them I'm currently recieving counseling range from acceptance, to sorrow, to anger.
I love my family, and I don't want to cut myself off from them completely, but I don't know how to engage with my family without becoming totally enmeshed with them, or becoming unreasonably angry at them. I need advice. Please help.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

wow what a difficult situation. I wish I could offer up some kind of advice. But I draw a complete blank as to what you should even begin to do. I just think so far you seem to have been doing a pretty good job at staying strong. And seeking help is never ever a bad thing. So if there was anything I could say..it's please don't stop seeing a counselor. Otherwise that is a tough one, and I cant think of anything to really tell you. But good luck with you & your family. Stay strong. smile  

[Wuyabi]

Thank you for your sincerity and encouragement. You and your avatar rock the universe.  

[ladybugsy33]

I grew up with a bi-polar mom who was unmedicated and undiagnosed for years, so you have my total sympathy! I encountered some controlling behavior like that from my mom too, and when I was much younger she could get me to cave to her demands, but now when she tries to act like that, I point out that she doesn't foot the bills for my life anymore, nor is she housing me, therefore she gets no say. Sorry, mom. 4laugh I must say though, she is way better at being a grandma than a mom.

It sounds like your parents have some issues with boundaries, and you sound like someone who goes to great lengths to avoid conflict with them. I hope you can find the inner strength to start letting the manipulative things they say roll off your back, as well as the digs about your choices in life whether what jacket to buy, how to wear your hair, or to take meds or not.  

[Otia]

Ok, getting HELP is not a bad thing. I think that you should tell them each time you see them that if they want to argue with you, that you are going to leave. Every time an arguement starts, follow through. Get out. Don't say anything, just leave. Walk away. Get in your car and turn on a good radio station. Drive home and chill out.
Eventually, they will miss you enough to call you and have you over. Tell them once again that the moment they try to start an arguement, you're leacing. If they start up again, go.
If you want to get along with your family, as difficult as it may be, let them know that they have a mental illness. Basically, with the medicine thing, I went through a similar thing with it. I had to explain to my grandmother who is anti-pills that my brain was low on ceratonin. You can't actually help that your brain is not full of the correct stuff because you can't physically do anything about it. It's like a broken arm. You'd go to a doctor for that, wouldn't you?
You're being string by trying to get it taken care of. It's a smart move, I think. They have no place to tell you that taking medication is bad because it sounds like you're better off than them.

If my advice on the subject isn't good, I apologize. I'm blonde. ><

Good luck, hon. <3  

[Wixandrettas]

Pirate Dirge

Sadly, what I feel would be best is what you don't want to do: I feel it's best to distance ourselves from toxic people even if they're relatives. As long as you stay entrenched with them and the dynamics of the relationship do not change, you're condoning it and it will continue.

The one I really don't understand is your father, and perhaps I missed it, but does he also have a mental illness or is he just a controlling, manipulative person?

You mentioned you're in counseling; what does that individual say about dealing with the situation?

I am in complete agreement here. Im actually in the same boat right now but, the opposite of your position. I grew up with very abusive parents who just didnt say 'when'. My mother to this day is the worst-case-scenario alcoholic with severe manic depression. Its the point where she will call in the middle of the night, drunk as a skunk, and attempts to put me in a position like yourself, in a submissive situation.

It has been almost a year since I have talked with her. She tries to manipulate her brothers to convince me to call. And, I tell my Uncles "SHAME ON YOU" for allowing her to manipulate them like this and that they should have seen this. I get the total "You should be supporting and helping your mother" speech...

LIKE HELL.... my mother desperately needs to stop drinking and needs to be put BACK on medication. She took herself off of the anti-depressants because she doesnt thinks he has a problem. I got fed up with her abuse. (YES.. ITS ABUSE!!!!) I hung up on her after telling her that "Once you decide to be sober and not drink your problems away, MAYBE we can talk"...

I have a 16 yr old daughter who doesnt need this kind of person in her life. My fiance cant stand the way my mother gets and completely supports my decision not to have her in my life.

Your own mental health should be a priority for you and if it means not having THEM in your life to make sure you are stable, then, I would highly suggest it.

Take control of your own life. They are going to try to bend you to their ways, which if you ask me, Id swear we were related. Dont let them have that kind of control over you. Stick to your guns because you come first.... and I know that can be hard at times, but.. the tremendous weight that is lifted when you come to the realization that its OKAY to be first, is truly an amazing feeling.

I would not want that kind of turmoil in my life and even with my own situation, Ive got the love and support of my fiance because he knows that just because your family doesnt mean they can treat you like s**t.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Having escaped from abusive parents eight/nine months ago, I can semi-relate.

You're away from them and getting help. That's good. Keep it up.

As others have said, the priority is you and nothing else. Stay away from them until you feel ready to handle them. That's all I can offer.  

[Psyzapp]

Wow. So, if you don't live with your folks and you're a grown woman then what say do your parents have over what your hair looks like or what clothes you wear? If your Mom doesn't like YOUR hair, she doesn't need to have that hairstyle. If she doesn't like your jacket, she doesn't have to wear it. In life you should choose your battles. Maybe if they get on your case about such stupid stuff you could remind them how old you are and that you would really like to have an adult relationship with them. You are a grown woman. Good for you for getting help. There is NOTHING wrong with that AT ALL. In fact, it's the smart thing to do. Stay on your meds if they help you. I agree that if your parents don't "cool it" after explaining to them that you are an adult, calmly tell them you love them, you don't want to argue with them in such a manner anymore and that you'll be back in hopes of having a more civil conversation.  

[Countess Serene Bathory]

Hello, I am very sorry to hear of your family issues and I completely understand much of what you are going through.

Getting help is a very good Idea, and taking medication does not mean you are chemically dependent. The medication prescribed for bi-polar and other mental illnesses are taken to correct an imbalance of chemicals that are in your brain. Not always completed with only one medication and usually done with behavior modifications and treatments connected with counseling. And if you weren't taking your medication, you might very well mimic the actions and behaviors of your parents who are not medicated.

As bad as it sounds, you have examples of how it is without the medication, and in turn you have reasons to force yourself to take your medications (cause "I will not be like them"). I know this through personal experiences and through my education (psychology & sociology bachelors degrees).

I can honestly say that a separation or distancing of yourself from your family would probably benefit you greatly, and help you to start healing. You have been through a lot of mental abuse from your family, and most people say that mental abuse can be much more damaging that that of physical abuse. Physical abuse heals, but the mental abuse is hidden and will/can resurface or be triggered with any event or action that resembled the initial abuse. Counseling is a very good addition to medication when someone is attempting to heal their mind and body from past or present abuse. But when you are trying to heal, reliving it because you are constantly being abused and treated in such a way because you are still attached to the abuser(s) is a very bad idea, cause you are not gonna be able to heal with the abuse continuing.

It is a great thing that you no longer live with them, but it isn't good that they are still so influential on you and aspects of your life. You need to think of yourself and take care of yourself.

If you get anything from my post, I want you to remember this, "In the beginning, you have you...and in the end, you have you". Meaning, you are the most important thing to yourself, and if you don't have yourself and your own life and choices/decisions, the what do you have?  

[Shinigami Unity]

I would think that the best thing you can do is to help yourself. Yeah I know that's pretty retarded - but at least you are willing to somewhat come to terms with your mental illness.

It's very sad that your family will not realize how hurtful their being and how hard they make it to be close to them - but that's not going to change it.

I do'nt want to get into a whole huge personal story about myself, but my Mom has mental problems. I wasn't able to really deal with them until I understood that they are **her** mental problems - just as I have my own.

It also helped to have an outlet to get out those feelings you have. That made it easier for me to approach her and try to forge some sort of a relationship.

This is all just crap I'm saying because I've been places in my own life - which are not the same as yours - but I sincerely hope that you can find something that can help keep the healing process going for you.  

[Eienchi]

*hugs you*
I have Bipolar my self. And s**t ton of other things.
I also have a mom with OCD and super Anxeity. But wont seek treatment.
But I am medicated.
But to me, your family sounds like a trigger to your bipolar too.
What I do with my sometimes crazy, super controlling mother.
I don't shop with her anymore. Because of what you listed above for my mom too. Limit interactions. I know its hard. But what I can say is.
Go visit, when she crosses the line, Leave right away, its tough. but its good for you and her. You get away, it breaks her need to control. Come back a few hours later and see how she acts. If she does it again. leave.
You have a choice of when to come and go. I would say just limit the visits to their house. And If she hounds you "Just say ok" Sometimes that makes them happy. But dont do what she says if you dont want to, or its bad. If she hounds you like crazy. Leave. She'll get the point eventually. Shes gonna have a hard time letting go of controlling you. My mom still has troubles.
Stay close with your doctor, and therapist. They are SO important with bipolar and medication.
I know what your dad says hurts and sucks, but try and look past it. Take it with a grain of salt and just be there to enjoy the family. When it isnt enjoyable, leave. it will help your stress.
She doesn't control you, but don't tell her that. They hate that. Just nod your head with her. I know it seems bad, but it works. It all sounds childish. But sometimes the best thing we can do is walk away. And just come back later. I just would avoid public places with her until you feel you have a hold on her action in private. But even I sometimes feel like "sure we could go shopping" and then she'll either make me regret it. or surprise me. Most is regret. But hey, its my mom.
My mom once took out everything in my closet she didnt like and tried to hide it. By this point i knew not to yell. I just found it and put it back and pretended like it didnt happen.
(also my mom used to write down what I would say, and share it...ugg.. mortifying)
hey if you wanna talk more, PM me I am willing to help as much as you need.
its kinda sad and nice to know I'm not alone with the mom thing. *hugs*