Advice needed please.

[Patron with a Mission]

Fellow geezers, I need your sage advice and wisdom. Please...-sets a tray of cookies and milk out and begins her tale- Be aware my story is not for the faint of heart.

I am staying with my boyfriend for about three weeks because I have nowhere else to go for the holidays of college. I don't mind the displacement, and as I said, I have nowhere to go, no friends or family that will take me in on short notice.

I'm just not used to all the yelling and verbal abuse. It's not directed to me at all, otherwise I wouldn't be here typing; I'd be in jail for having fought back.

The family tends to yell at each other, even while I'm there, for little to no reason. I have headphones so I just listen to music. It was fine until today.

Today...there was a fight. Fists and punches fight. It was only because I yelled to both that they stopped hurting each other.

The only reason it started was because his brother wasn't sitting up right and refused to sit up straight. After that, it's all a blur, but my boyfriend nearly hit my laptop because they went headfirst towards me. I stood up and started screaming at them to stop. No one was there to stop them; their guardian is their grandmother, who was watching soap operas at the time and couldn't hear us in the living room. I started to cry and talked to both of them separately, and told my boyfriend to please not fight while I'm there, because one if not more is gonna get hurt.

I ran away from my parent's house only to come to more screaming and fighting. I don't know what to do; everything happened, and just as fast as it happened, it's over, everyone is smiling and laughing except my boyfriend, who is still steaming a bit. Maybe it's that I'm an outsider looking in, but this is a bit dysfunctional for me. Okay, VERY dysfunctional.

What should I do? There are so many things going through my mind right now, our relationship being one of them. The family has no idea we are going out, and I am seriously considering leaving the house because I don't want to stand up to the yelling, and maybe getting hurt. I don't want to call the cops on them because not enough has happened yet, and not only that, the grandmother would get blamed when it's not her fault, and she has limited resources as it is.

I love my boyfriend but after what I saw today...I'm scared. I'm listening to Linkin Park and huddling in a corner, even if everyone else is pretending nothing happened. I see the patterns of abuse all over again, and maybe I'm just traumatized from when I was being abused from my parents, but maybe...would it happen again with the one I love?  

[Sweet_lil_tomboy]

It's hard to see the ones you love fighting whether it be verbal or physical. If your bf is fighting with someone for mere posture then maybe you should consider getting out before it's too late. If he's willing to do it to family he's willing to do it to you too.
I'd find another place to go and soon. Just remember you have to take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal. Getting involved with someone who is abusive is not how you go about healing and more importantly you'll be setting yourself up for abuse down the road and that you do not need nor deserve.
Take care and good luck to you.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

wow I know from past experience its tough when you love a guy who doesn't come from the greatest family. And you say you ran away from your family because of that kind of abuse. So it is only normal that this raises some red flags for you. I think that you need to sit down and have a discussion with your boyfriend about the whole situation. Because normally I would say not to base the person you're with on their family. They have no choice on who they were born into. But the issue here is he was fighting as well. I couldn't imagine being in an environment like that. I would cry too! I mean is your boyfriend a fighter like that? is it not a big deal for him to throw fists with family over small arguments? Was it him who swung first? Was he just protecting himself?? These questions matter because if he has anger management issues that is very important to know. I didnt know how angry my ex got till we lived together, and I had to see it first hand. And when you live with the person and you aren't just staying with them it definitely takes a toll on you emotionally. So talking with him and figuring out how hes feeling emotionally about the state his family is in, and how he handles all of this. I mean maybe you were just there for when it finally exploded? Maybe there had been issues escalading and escalading, and he might have been a bit annoyed at his family for arguing while you were there and so it just exploded??

Overall if its just his family, you gotta somehow learn to work with it and stay away from that situation. But if he is included on not helping the problem and this is someone you see a future with down the line then believe me it is very important to figure out where he stands on verbal and physical abuse. Because please remember just because it may not get physical doesn't ever make verbal abuse ok. Sorry I just really rambled there huh? I hope any of that helps!

 

[Patron with a Mission]

Slumbering Princess

wow I know from past experience its tough when you love a guy who doesn't come from the greatest family. And you say you ran away from your family because of that kind of abuse. So it is only normal that this raises some red flags for you. I think that you need to sit down and have a discussion with your boyfriend about the whole situation. Because normally I would say not to base the person you're with on their family. They have no choice on who they were born into. But the issue here is he was fighting as well. I couldn't imagine being in an environment like that. I would cry too! I mean is your boyfriend a fighter like that? is it not a big deal for him to throw fists with family over small arguments? Was it him who swung first? Was he just protecting himself?? These questions matter because if he has anger management issues that is very important to know. I didnt know how angry my ex got till we lived together, and I had to see it first hand. And when you live with the person and you aren't just staying with them it definitely takes a toll on you emotionally. So talking with him and figuring out how hes feeling emotionally about the state his family is in, and how he handles all of this. I mean maybe you were just there for when it finally exploded? Maybe there had been issues escalading and escalading, and he might have been a bit annoyed at his family for arguing while you were there and so it just exploded??

Overall if its just his family, you gotta somehow learn to work with it and stay away from that situation. But if he is included on not helping the problem and this is someone you see a future with down the line then believe me it is very important to figure out where he stands on verbal and physical abuse. Because please remember just because it may not get physical doesn't ever make verbal abuse ok. Sorry I just really rambled there huh? I hope any of that helps!

He did swing first, and this fight was to demonstrate that he could do damage to his brothers if he wished. Something I had forgotten to add; his younger brother that he was fighting with is mentally disabled, as is his other younger one. They are also in their teen years, which makes me assume they are gonna rebel just like anyone else would.

He apologized for worrying me, but he asserted it was the right thing to do. That's what made me unsure, and still does. -sighs-

Oh, and thanks for the advice so far. <3  

[Veddhartha]

I would not be staying.. That place isn't safe for you now and definitely not later. Running from a messy situation to other, even more unstable, is dangerous. You don't know for sure what to expect from his brothers or from him. I don't have any kind of personal experience directly this kind of situations, but just like with narcissism (My little brothers "girlfriend") it never stops, it just grows worse.

If you have already background with abusive home, don't stay there. You can not be the one to heal them, you need to take care yourself first and they need to do same with themselves. No one else, maybe expect professionals, can make it ease for real and stop. Things like that live under the skin of people - and believe me - those who are most bitter and most dangerous are very good ad hiding it.

I hope that nothing happens to you, for I fear that you'll get involved and get yourself hurt. confused Good luck! Be safe.  

[Patron with a Mission]

So far, I haven't found another place to be in, so I've stayed, but very very very far away from anything resembling a group. Basically, the instant I wake up, I go and disappear somewhere where I can't be bothered and not seen.

The fighting has died down, from what I can tell; for some reason, the grandmother claims I have a calming aura and it impacts everyone. My boyfriend and I haven't talked much.

From what I have heard/know now, it appears my boyfriend had been told that day that if/when the grandmother dies, the responsibility of taking care of his mentally disabled brothers falls on his shoulders. That might have been why he was so angry. That kind of responsibility is not easy to bear, I'm sure. I pointed out to him that I was going to be in school for a very long time, and with that kind of looming responsibility over his shoulders, if he was going to scream and yell, and take his problem out on me, it was over.

Which I suppose didn't help; he became sad, even pleading, telling me he'd change and be better for what he was now.

-sighs- Why, oh why do I still care about him. >.< I dare say I still love him, actually, which I'm not sure would be beneficial unless he really did change. What do you all think?  

[Shinigami Unity]

I think the questions you need to ask yourself are: do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? That's what love is supposed to be. Yes - you love that man and don't necessarily have to love that family. But you did say that he will eventually be responsible for his handicapped brothers.

Okay. He needs to be a man and do the right thing - which is find some help for this. It doesn't need to "get bad enough" for help to be sought. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. The only thing matters is that it is an abusive environment.

You can love and care for a person and not agree with what they do. You can hate the behavior - but not the person. That's another thing you need to ask yourself: Is there any possibility - however remote- that this will continue on into your own life (as in: he will go ballistic on you).

I came from an abusive household into the arms of an abusive man. I choose to leave him because with me there he was unable to get the help he needed. He wasn't abusive because he was a bad man - he was abusive because he learned that behavior from his family.

Find some place to stay. Find anyone safe. I can tell you from personal experience that safety is super important. So much so that if you lived in the same part of the country as me - I'd let you have my futon. smile

The idea is to live your life not to sneak away from it.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Well, to update everyone... [It's long]

Family and fighting: I've pretty much given up on trying to stop any brawls that happen, rare as they are. Another one happen today because the boys broke their game system and are grounded. It wasn't fists and punches but it was rather loud. What I am really beginning to fear is that their attitude is getting to me, because I too have begun screaming and yelling in frustration. School starts in about eight days, so all I have to do is keep my head up for now. Still don't have anyone to take me in on short notice, so I'm stuck here.

Relationship: We're pretty much arguing every other day. I want away from him so I don't have to argue with him face to face. It's not just the fighting in the family, it's everything. He's too much on WoW, I'm too bitchy, and love life in the bedroom? Doesn't exist. He says he doesn't feel like it. Hasn't for awhile now. It's driving me nuts. Anyways...

Fighting / Arguments: Things have not gotten physical except for last night. We do train together for self defense, but he hit me too hard on my shoulder, and my mind snapped. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I apparently started babbling about how if he was going to hurt me, then how would I be able to trust he wouldn't do this in the future. My suspicion is that I had a flashback to when my parents had hit me in the same spot.

My trust issue got worse when he tried to apologize. My parents apologized in the same way, in the same manner, and said the same thing. "I won't hurt you again." An hour later, he jabbed me near my kidney, saying I needed to have faster reflexes. After a minute in pain, I screamed at him to leave me alone and left for awhile. I walked around the block, kinda dangerous at that time of night though sweatdrop I came back to him asking me to please trust him. I think he even cried. Was it sincere? Sure sounded like it. Is this raising red flags for me? You better believe it. But what's the line between abusers and sincere people? It's beginning to get very very thin for me. I'm not sure what to do.

-sighs and catches her breath-

-----

I feel myself becoming detached and drained. Maybe it's that I've been around too long and I need to leave to school. Maybe it's been all the yelling and screaming that has me so paranoid and hateful right now. I'm trying to hang in there for eight more days, but I don't think it's going to work, because there are funding issues for summer school. I can't take another two-three months here.

Maybe I should just leave for summer school, hope for the best when he returns in the fall? I'm also considering graduating early so I can get a job, get away from everyone, and try to go things on my own.

In spite of everything that has happened, I love him, and I love him dearly. Is it normal, though, to feel as I do? I could really use some input.

Talking with him has pretty much proven to make me sound like a broken record. So I am trying to reduce that. I don't want to be a broken record, and I don't want to lose him, nor does he want to lose me. Everyone is seeing a psychiatrist but apparently it isn't helping for biscuits, seeing as what's going on. I'm thinking space might be best for all of us. What say you, fellow Geezers?  

[Shinigami Unity]

You can absolutely love a person and hate what they do. You can love a person and want to get away from them.

Because you love THEM not the behaviors that they posses. I know that's kinda weird sounding, but it really is true.

Does he understand what it entails to have been abused as a kid? I've found that - sadly - even people who were abused themselves may not really understand everything that is involved in it. You need to heal and it will take the rest of your life to heal from your childhood - not to mention what you're going through right now.

If you need to vent, send me a PM. You can say horrible things if that's what you're feeling (used to it) - but you should try to get it out.  

[Shinigami Unity]

And yes, I think space is a good idea. That's my two cents. 3nodding  

[Amarella Harte]

Dameon_Patron_of_Healing

But what's the line between abusers and sincere people?

Sincere people are sorry because they KNOW what they did is wrong. They are the ones who actually seek help because they really WANT to stop. They DON'T need you or anyone else to convince them to get help. (I'm not saying they know where to get help, but a simple 'here's a number you can call' is sufficient. If they don't do it on their own, their heart isn't in it, and it isn't gonna work.)

Abusers know all the right WORDS to make you think they are sorry, but their ACTIONS don't follow through. They are not really concerned with stopping, only appeasing the victim (a form of control) they DO NOT seek help on their own (though they may allow you to 'convince' them to go).

Personally, I think you already know the answer to this. Remember love is a CHOICE, it is NOT blind. Love is something you choose to do in spite of a person's faults (as Shinigami Unity said "you love THEM not the behaviors that they posses"). If you are blind to their faults you cannot do this.

The good news is, because it is a choice, you can choose to take your heart back. There is nothing wrong with taking it back if you realize you have made a mistake. Better late than never.

Lastly, your boyfriend is a grown man. I don't care what his family life was like, it is time for him to take control and be responsible for his own actions. This includes getting help to deal with the damage his family life has caused. He is too old to use his past as an excuse for his behavior and neither should you. (That's called being an enabler.)

Here's pulling for you. I know you can make it on your own should you choose that path.  

[Patron with a Mission]

Update again:

I went back to summer school, putting a good distance between he and I. He is getting counseling from a trusted friend online, and through web conference, we've learned [I went too...my abused history isn't an excuse for me to not go] how to express emotions through more proper channels, though the true test will be in the fall when we see each other again.

The instant I got back, I was happy again, and two days later, I have made friends with my roommates, already feel less detached to things, and my attitude towards life is a lot better.

Thanks for the advice and help, everyone ^-^