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 Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 2:48 pm
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Here is a section from a story I am working on. I have posted the Preference and the first chapter. So tell me what you think. There may be a few errors though.
Preference
When people hear the words angles, demons, vampires, sorcerers, and of course wraths people think of hoaxes, and tales. Not many think about there neighbors although, I am pretty sure that we have all called out ex boy friends, a couple words that we could translate to demon, but people tend to miss things that are placed right in front of them. The other thing is that people think that most of these creatures are immortal, well they are not half off. Vampires, yes well they are immortal, sorcerers will take life from others and keep it for them selves but angles. Angles are complex and mysterious, we do both the good and the bad. Many of us love our immortality but for some it is the one thing that prevents us from being the way that we wish we were. I was born (if that is what you would call it) during the beginning of time. My tale is not like the others for the fact is I am the oldest and for many millennia I have lived alone. Doomed to walk this earth for all eternity over and over again. There are rules binding us to our wings and wonderings. I am and always will be a lonely angle that has not yet fallen. I envy humans the ability to end the pain and suffering, to end it all so easily I wish I had that luxury. We all have a purpose even though I do not understand mine.
Chapter One
New House and New Life
Most fairy tales start with Long ago, and end with happily ever after but I never said that this was a fairy tale. My life has always been complex. Just this morning I was waving good bye to England, and flying across the ocean to America. I have been on the move for as long as I can remember, and the few people that I have met do not remember me even existing. The plane ride was long and now I am driving through a little town in Ithaca, near Cornell University. The town is small, and exhausted looking but yet perfect in every way. I had always lived in massive cities and for the first time I would be living in a small town. I drove fairly slow compared to the normal speed that I drive at. I drove right through the town knowing that people were living near by. Every one had seemed to stare as my little Audi Coop drove by. Apparently even a little Audi is an expensive car. Being immortal was not a gift but it did have a few aspects which were not too bad, like the abundance of funds or how you really did not have to pay attention at school. Driving out of the town I was going to the out skirts and now saw the beautiful, lush dull green trees suddenly glisten emerald, when the sun hit them as the sky had turned a lush scarlet. I found the drive way which was a dirt one and went up. I twisted and turned as I went toward the house. When I got to the clearing I had found a beautiful four level mansion. It was perfect Victorian era, beautiful restoration, with a porch that wrapped around the first floor.
I pulled into the garage to find that all of my cars were here, and unharmed. The garage was custom and spacious. I got out of the car smoothly and checked my pockets for keys. “I have been here for just about five minutes and I have already lost my house keys. Figures,” I said with frustration beginning to edge on my voice. After searching for a few minutes, I gave up and decided to check my purse for keys. I could not find them, and I have not even entered the house yet. I walked onto the porch and placed my hand on the door knob. The knob flashed white for a second, and then I twisted it open. Honestly who needs keys when magic can get you any where you want. Now was the time to purge my self of my old life and start a new one. The house was beautiful and spacious. The foyer was floored with white marble. Every thing was perfect, the designer had done an excellent job of setting up my house. “Let the fun begin” I said as I grabbed one of the brown files that I knew so well. This contains my life every thing that I was, what I am and what I am to become is in this folder. The file was thick and the font was as always in elegant script. This time I am to pose as a sophomore in High School. I supposedly moved here from Oxford, England which is true but I have lived there for centuries. I feel like there is a bondage to this life. All of my past lives mean absolutely nothing. Now I am to be a normal sophomore and not any of my other past lives.
I eventually finished the file, and began the transformation. Normally I would have to dye my hair, get colored contacts, and use an incantation or two to change my appearance. This time was a little different, I had nothing at all to do except dye my hair back to its original color. To atone for how easy the physical transformation was the new wardrobe was harder. I had a difficult time picking clothes for my characters and not for me. I looked over what the school curriculum so I would not be a sort of academic snob. Although personally, that is my favorite role to play just to drive the people around me insane. This curriculum was simple compared to the complex ones in England. After reading through the file twice I decided to go check out the balcony. The house had been out in the middle of no where and I was curious to see if the stars where visible. The sun had disappeared behind the horizon and the night had rolled in. The sky was black but every star gleamed with perfection. Tomorrow would be my first day of high school and all I could think about was sleeping in tomorrow.
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 4:25 pm
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Alright. You really, really need to work on some things. So, to give you an example of the editing you need to do, I'm gonna edit the "Preference". (I think you meant 'Preface')
Bolded= Spelling Mistake/ Typo/ Wrong word
Blue= Think about revising
Green and Underlined= Punctuation Mistake
Pink= Needs Revision
Red= WTF?!
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When people hear the words angles, demons, vampires, sorcerers, and of course wraths people think of hoaxes, and tales. Not many think about there neighbors although, I am pretty sure that we have all called out ex boy friends, a couple words that we could translate to demon, but people tend to miss things that are placed right in front of them. The other thing is that people think that most of these creatures are immortal, well they are not half off. Vampires, yes well they are immortal, sorcerers will take life from others and keep it for them selves but angles. Angles are complex and mysterious, we do both the good and the bad. Many of us love our immortality but for some it is the one thing that prevents us from being the way that we wish we were. I was born (if that is what you would call it) during the beginning of time. My tale is not like the others for the fact is I am the oldest and for many millennia I have lived alone. Doomed to walk this earth for all eternity over and over again. There are rules binding us to our wings and wonderings. I am and always will be a lonely angle that has not yet fallen. I envy humans the ability to end the pain and suffering, to end it all so easily I wish I had that luxury. We all have a purpose even though I do not understand mine.
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I didn't have a color for the last sentence, but here's what I was thinking: "Uhmm... okay?"
Alright, hope I got everything. That took quite awhile to put together. Anyways, it needs A LOT of work. It doesn't really make any sense or seem to be going anywhere. Also, you'll notice I didn't tell you how to correct your mistakes. That's right! Because a good author needs to be able to correct their own mistakes without relying on an editor! So if you don't get it, figure it out. I'll help you a bit if you ask, though. :3
Well, good luck!
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Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 11:18 pm
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 5:54 pm
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