Sick of me yet?

[The Last Chase]

So dating and all that s**t aside I find myself in a really shitty place.
I know there are plenty of people on here with worse stuff, I'm just having a melt down and I seriously feel like jumping out a window.
I'm embarrassed of where I work, I have the state I live in, my friends are all abandoning me, I feel like I'm never happy, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I feel so stagnant and I spend most nights crying. I hate everything about my life, I have nothing to be proud of, nothing to show for being a twenty-two year old woman. I hated college and even if I went back I don't know what I'd go for. I am seriously breaking down. I have no direction, no motivation and there isn't a single day I don't cry.
I am so lost, so confused and I'm feeling so hopeless. I don't know what to do... crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying  

[lady ayami chan]

*sends a ray of sun shine*
there there little lady, you are okay - you still have much time ahead of you.
I know it seems overwhelming now but you can always get up and do something else. If I'm not mistaken you are the one who wants to be a stunt driver yes? What is currently holding you back from working toward that? (my obvious guess would be funds)
Don't feel bad about yourself, you have nothing to feel bad about from what I can tell. Life is just overwhelming sometimes and you have every right to feel that because it is your life. Would moving be an option for you? If so think about where you would want to go and look for jobs around that area to see if it is a plausible thing to do. Stay strong and don't loose hope - and I can say for one I am not sick of you. ^_^
As for your friends etc. all leaving well people do what they need to do for their own happiness, don't be afraid to do what you need to do for your own.

*hugs*  

[The Last Chase]

It doesn't feel like I have a whole lot of time. I know that seems kinda silly to say at twenty-two, but I really don't.
And yes, I want to be a stunt driver, I have since high school and it does have a lot to do with money. I want to move out to Cali for it, but I went out there for a week, found no jobs and no places to rent in my price range. I'm planning on just going out there for the weekends for the classes, but that cost money and it also only helps me get the classes, it doesn't get me any closer to doing it professionaly.
So many people say that I just need to be okay with where I am, but no matter how hard I try I just feel the same... or worse. I want to move, but I don't have money to move where I want, I want a new job, but the job I have is stable. I just need some life changing expierience and somehow I don't think that's just going to fall into my lap.
Thanks though ^^  

[ThisEmptySoul]

What's wrong with Colorado? I mean... it's not like you're in Texas or anything... *waits for angry Texans to yell at him*

Something to keep in mind, states in the west and mid-west are large compared to the east, and different parts of the state give you different experiences. So if you're looking for a change of pace but don't have the funds to move out of state, perhaps you could try looking at different parts of the state you're already in. You could also try looking into states with a lower cost of living to help yourself build up a savings. It might not be ideal and you might end up not liking the place even more than you don't like Colorado, but at least you'll have the money to move somewhere that you actually want to be after a while.

California is incredibly expensive because a lot of people want to live there for one reason or another, and if you want to live near a big city, then that will cost you even more. Jobs are also harder to find there because of the constant influx of people. Because of this, perhaps it would be a good idea to look into other options that may be available to learn stunt driving. You may have already done this, but from what I read it kind of seems like you're pigeonholing yourself by focusing on going to California specifically... a goal that seems all but impossible because of the cost.

Also, unless you have unbelievable luck or an employer that plays favorites, you have to take risks to get further up in pay. If you settle for the stable job, you won't get paid more. That's just how it is. There could be an equally stable job out there somewhere with higher pay, but if you stick with the job you have just because you know you can keep it, you're never going to find that other job.

And if you always want to have a stable job, being a stunt driver is not for you. Being a stunt driver for a living is like being an artist for a living. While there are probably some companies that contract many drivers, most people in the field work freelance. In other words, you will constantly be looking for work because you will not have a paycheck coming in every month for showing up and doing some work. You won't be working for just one employer all the time and just going to the same location everyday. You have to find individual employers who will hire you for a project or two, pay you once for your work, then you're on your own. If you're wanting something stable, freelance is practically the exact opposite.

As for feeling stagnant, one thing you could try is setting smaller and more realistic goals so that you feel as if you're actually accomplishing something. If you set this really high goal that will take a long time to reach, you will feel as if you're not getting anywhere. One good example is how people set really high goals for weight loss... they want to loose so much weight really quickly and they are enthusiastic about it at first, but when they see that they are not reaching it as quickly as they want, they feel hopeless and eventually just give up... sometimes even gaining weight in the process from the resulting depression. When you set a smaller goal and reach it, it gives you a boost of confidence and helps motivate you to continue pushing yourself to higher and higher goals.  

[The Last Chase]

Whats wrong with Colorado is that I have lived here my whole life and I've never felt like I fit in. I went out to cali for spring break evey year since I was eight and it has always felt more like home to me. I was out there for a week and since I've come back I can't find a single thing I enjoy about Colorado. I like change, I like movement and right now I'm not getting anything like that. I want to get an apartment with my friend, but unlike me she is terrible with money and has nothing saved up.
And believe me, I know Cali is exspensive. I subletted my aunts apartment in San Fran right after high school. It's where I want to be though. And I have looked into stunt schools all over the place and unless I want to go to Ohio, the best school is in Cali. There are no schools in Colorado.
Right now, with the economy as it is I need a stable job. I know all about being a stunt driver, I know what kind of a job it is. I'm a writer and a model, I get how hard it is to be in such a fragile state.
I don't really have any other goals, there's not a whole lot that I want. I dunno... if it was that simple I don't think I would be in the place I am now.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

The way you constantly talk about wanting to be in California actually reminds me a lot of my sister. Ever since we were young, she always said she wanted to go back to California and live there because it seemed like "that's where she belonged". However, in her case I think it was mostly that she just wanted to be there because "that's where the cool people live". She was never happy no matter where we lived because she wanted to be able to tell people that she lived in California because for whatever reason, she thought is sounded better. She ended up in Texas because it's cheap there and she doesn't have the money to live in such an expensive place. Oddly enough, she actually kind of seems proud to be Texan now... after complaining all her life how much she didn't like it there.

Something to note about "the best school", you don't -have- to go to "the best school" to get started in a business. Sure it looks good on your resumé, but ultimately what matters more is your skills. I remember my father-in-law telling me before about how he went to these no-name colleges because he couldn't afford to go to major ones, and now he makes more money a year than my family's combined paychecks. My father didn't go to college or a trade school of any sort at all, but he can pretty much be hired by any car shop he wants because he's a really good mechanic and knows his stuff {plus he's got a whole lot of experience}.

After doing a quick search of "stunt driving schools" I found one in Oregon. I don't really know if it is the kind of training you're looking for since I don't know exactly what you would be looking for... just pointing out that there is one there.

The economy isn't going to get any better any time soon so if you're waiting for that in order to makes things better for yourself, then you will only end up perpetuating this state of misery that you're in. If you don't have any other goals, then maybe you should figure some out, alter your current ones to make them more reachable, or set small goals that are related to or build up to your ultimate goals. For instance, you can set a savings goal... trying to save a certain amount each month to build up to a savings large enough for you to move.

It seems to me that your main problem isn't so much that "you're not going anywhere in life", but rather that you just want to be in a better place as soon as possible. These things take time, however. You're not going to just wake up one day and everything will fall into place. You have to work toward it... and sometimes that means making sacrifices. If you think that working toward being a stunt driver is what would really make you happy, then why stick with a job that you hate and makes you want to kill yourself that doesn't pay you enough to achieve your goals? Sure it pays the bills, but is it really living if in the end you would rather die?  

[Shinigami Unity]

I can relate because I live in NORTH DAKOTA and have my whole life - and hate it. But my goal in life is Seattle, WA.

I totally agree with ThisEmptySoul on setting smaller goals. While I would give a lot to get to Seattle RIGHT NOW, it's just not possible.

How I make my life bearable right now is by seeing every little step I take and how it impacts my goal of living in Seattle. Every right choice I make financially - not buying that sexy little dress - gets me closer to Seattle. Studying for a test for a class I hate - that gets me closer.

It is frustrating to wait and I know this isn't where you want to be right now - but what can get you by right now?

There has to be some ray of light in your life right now. Something, no matter how small - you gotta hold on to that to help you realize your dream.  

[Patron with a Mission]

*Texan girl right here*

I agree with everyone else's advice.

I went to an AA meeting as part of an school assignment, and they had a saying: "I won't be sober for the rest of my life, just 24 hours at a time."

I think what they meant was that to take things daily as they come. Trust me, at 21, life is bigger than what people make it seem smile  

[The Last Chase]

I dunno, my friends say that I need to find something to be happy with, with where I am, but I have a really hard time finding anything.
The only goals I have outside of stunt driving... I dunno, I want to get my own place. I mean, renting from my parents isn't terrible, but it's not as much freedom. I don't know, I want to do things, but I don't really see them as serious goals.
Just getting depressed by all this... crying crying crying crying  

[ThisEmptySoul]

getting your own place is a major goal. Many consider it a big step into becoming an adult because then you are truly out there on your own. The more you post, the more it seems like your problem is that you want to be a stunt driver now instead of taking the time to go through everything you need to in order to accomplish it, which is sort of a childish mentality. Getting a place of your own might help get you started on thinking more like an adult... realizing and accepting your limitations and working toward things at a realistic pace instead of hoping that everything will fall into your lap one day and you'll suddenly be happy.

Happiness is not always easy. Sometimes you have to work for it. If you don't want to be depressed, then stop making yourself depressed by saying "I can't do anything" or "I haven't done anything" or "I'm not going to do anything" and just start doing things. If setting and meeting other goals is something you think might make you feel better {as people have suggested}, then maybe instead of saying over and over "I wanna be a stunt driver crying ", you should think seriously about other things you want to accomplish. I'm pretty sure there are other things out there, you just don't want to think about them because it's easier to stay depressed about not being a stunt driver than it is to actually do something about your depression.  

[The Last Chase]

Yeah, it's true. I have a hard time feeling like I've achieved anything unless something is happening right now. At this point though it really does have to be one step at a time. I need to finish my training for management, then I'll get my raise that I need and then I will be able to get my own place and then I can get a loan for stunt school, so on and so forth. But as of right now I have nothing to show. I feel like I'm not doing anything because right now nothing is going on.
I'm a competitive person, have been since I was a little kid, but it has to do with everything. My friend and I used to work at the same place, we were both trying to get management then she gave up and got two others jobs and I stayed, hoping that I still had a chance. She found two great jobs and after a year she's gone out to Baltimore for a month and now she's getting management... I've been at my job for four years now and I've been trying to get management for the last two. She's also in school and she knows exactly what she wants and is working towards it. I dunno, I feel like I'm not really getting anything done. I want to do something I'm proud of. I just have more steps in my process. eek eek eek  

[ThisEmptySoul]

sounds like your friend is more of a risk taker than you. If you really want to compete, then you should try taking some risks as well.

This actually reminds me of a while back when I was trying to prove someone wrong about the assumption that women get paid less than men and did some research on the subject. Women do get paid less on average, but I found this not to be because they are paid less for the same position like people think they are {they are actually paid about the same, and in some cases more}, but rather that women settle for lesser paying jobs because of the security and comfort of those jobs. When you elect to settle for lesser pay in exchange for the job security, you are falling into that niche.

One thing that might make you feel a little better is to try to not let the accomplishments of others get to you. Instead, use it as a motivator to get the things you need to accomplish done.  

[The Last Chase]

Meh... just feel pathetic. The more I talk about these tings... the more I hate myself... I can't find much of anything that's good about me...  

[Sweet_lil_tomboy]

Okay, Sweetie sit up and listen. There's a track here in Utah called Miller Sports Park. They have classes all the time. It's a dirt track and a paved track all at the same facility. The cost of living is about the same as Colorado and you could for the time being get away with a nice studio apartment to start off with. There are a couple of different cab companies and an errand service (not mine) that you could get a job with to get some driving experience under your belt. Plus it gives you the chance to meet new people as well.
At twenty-two we all want it now but in reality it takes time to get where we want to be in life.
You have self-esteem and pride even if you don't think you do. You get up each day, you shower, brush your teeth and hair, do your make-up; these are signs of self-esteem and pride. It may sound stupid but try this; each day just before you leave the house, look in the mirror and find one thing you like about yourself. Maybe it's the shade of your lipstick or the way your t-shirt brings out the color of your eyes or maybe it's just the scent of you perfume. Put a smile on your face and say "I like ___________about myself today!" Do it each day for a week and I guarantee you'll start feeling about yourself.
Change can be scary but at the same time it can be the best thing in the world to let us know who we are and what we are capable of.
Don't give up on your dreams and goals just because your intial plans aren't pheasable at the moment. As my grammie used to say "There's more than one way to skin a cat."
Good luck Sweetie, hope this helps.  

[The Last Chase]

Yeah, no offense to Utah, but I certainly could never move there.
I have discovered however, that I just seriously need out of this state. My friend is a born Coloradan... I am not. I need warm weather, I need city life.
I don't know about the self esteem and pride. I get up and brush my teeth and such because I have to work. I have bills to pay. I dunno, I try and find things that are good about myself and I really can't seem to find much of anything. I have a fowl temper, a very cynical outlook on people.
I need to try harder at things, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life.
I have two weeks of paid vacation and a friend and I are going to take a road trip. I'm hoping it'll clear my head, help me look at things differently