At a lost of what to do

[StateAlchemist Natsu]

My husband and I have been at end at each other for the past few months, since November when he lost his job. I and his family have been throwing out ideas for him to get something, and right now I'm wanting anything. But this isn't the dilemma that I'm having, I've been noticing a lot lately that he punishes out oldest child who is currently two years old by spanking him, I wouldn't have a problem with this if it wasn't for the fact that he's hitting my son 6-12 time for one punishment, I'm sure I could get my husband on child abuse but I've also had another friend of mine saying that I need to get out of here because of the fact that even when he doesn't a job currently I'm the one taking care of both sons and cleaning the apartment.

So the question is... Should I take myself and two sons and get out of dodge before my husband escalates to more aggressive hitting?  

[Shinigami Unity]

Have you talked to him about this behavior? If you don't feel safe doing that, I understand. It's just that there are still alot of people out there who think spanking is okay and don't realize that 6-12 times is kind of a lot of spanking.

I don't think that you necessarily need to leave him because he's not keeping up on chores. He sound depressed - maybe he doesn't realize he needs help. Maybe you can talk to him about this, maybe he's not the kind of guy who talks about that kind of stuff.

I just feel bad for your kid. I remember being spanked when I was little - it didn't really deter me from being naughty, it just made me more angry.

Maybe some time away would let him think about his life and what he wants about it? In my opinion, hitting doesn't stop unless a person gets some serious help.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

6-12 times was pretty normal when I was growing up. Perhaps he was brought up the same way and therefore thinks it's acceptable, however that doesn't mean that it is. My parents gave up spanking when they realized that it wasn't effective. Just like Shinigami Unity, it always made me more angry instead of deterring me from mischief. Actually, it would just encourage me to be more wise about it and try not to get caught next time instead of thinking, "wow, I shouldn't do that".

If you think the spanking is much, perhaps you should talk to him about what you would find an acceptable means of punishment instead of just letting him go off and decide things on his own. As I said, if he was brought up that way, that's probably what he thinks is the right thing to do because that's all he knows. Discussing and agreeing on a means of discipline is a pretty important part of parenting, especially if he is now expected to play a bigger role in raising your children since he is without a job. {I actually went over that already with my spouse before we were married and we don't even have children yet.}

Automatically thinking that he's just an abusive person and that you need to leave is jumping to conclusions, or at least it seems like a leap from the information given. I don't see anything in there that indicates that he will "escalate" things or that he "needs serious help".

Also, aside from the possible depression that Shinigami Unity mentioned in regards to him not helping with chores, there's also the possibility that he believes in the traditional family structure in which the wife takes care of the kids and does the cooking and cleaning. If you want help doing chores or taking care of the children, then you need to bring it up and not just assume that he should do it.

Guys often aren't much for conversation, but we will listen if it's regarding something important.  

[Sweet_lil_tomboy]

Spanking a child is not necessarily child abuse. Although 6-12 times is a bit excessive.
My husband was laid off a while back and has been unable to find work yet.
He fell into a depression and had a hard time talking about it with me.
Suggestion: Send the boys to a relative for the night, make a nice dinner and sit at the dinner table together. Ask him questions about his interest and what he would like to do. Then give him suggestions as to how he might accomplish those goals. Many areas have retraining programs that will him with any additional education needs he may have.
Also ask him if he mind helping out a little bit around the house. Most men don't want to laundry or make the bed but would willing to cook dinner or do the dishes and take out the trash if asked. Make him feel like this would be a way for him to take care of you. It helps them to feel useful again and helps them to bring them out of the slump.
Last but not least, explain to him your concerns about the spankings. Spankings can be a source of disipline if used correctly. Suggest that he cut the number of spanks to 1-3 depending on the severity of the offense. Suggest time outs for lesser offenses afterall he's only two and is unaware of what is and isn't acceptable behavior.
The most important thing in all of this, DON'T ATTACK him. Keep it light and positive. He's feeling the pressure of not having a job and the inadaquecy of not being able to provide for his family. Let him know that you want help him and that you are concerned for his well-being.
Tip: Turn off the T.V. and put on some music any music just to add some amience and do it on a night when you have the day off so that you are well rested and can take your time preparing for the evening.
Good luck Sweetie.