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 Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 11:16 am
ROFL/LYAO/Do something people actually do when reacting to funny things, such as:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
I laughed so hard when telling this joke because I got it all wrong and made the two sound like the typical steriotype of a homosexual couple (no discrimination intended wink )
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 11:19 am
"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"
"Finding half a worm."
"What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?"
"I don't know."
"The holocaust."
A friend told me that joke once. I don't know why, but I lol'd so hard.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 11:20 am
"What do you call a black doctor?"
"Doctor, you ******** racist."
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 11:30 am
John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete a** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'
'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'
'Well, screw him!' said John.
'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 11:33 am
And I did just laugh really loud right now:
When four of Santa's elves
got sick, the trainee elves did not produce Toys as fast as the regular
ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus
told Santa her Mother was Coming To visit, which stressed Santa even
more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were About to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were
out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
Floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys Were
scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of Apple
cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered the elves had drank all The Cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally Dropped The cider jug, and it Broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went
to get the broom and found the mice Had Eaten all the straw off the end of
the broom. Just then the doorbell Rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said Very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little
angel on top of the Christmas Tree.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:33 pm
Why can't dinosaurs speak English?
Because they're dead!
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:54 pm
Farrah Fawcett dies and goes to heaven. In front of the gates, God meets her and asks her if there's anything she would like in the world to change. A wish, as it were. Farrah thought for a minute, and finally looked to the savior, and said, "I wish all the children in the world could be safe from any danger, disease, or person that would bring them harm."
That same day, Michael Jackson dies.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:05 pm
What's red, swollen, 12 inches long, and will make a woman scream?
Crib death.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:07 pm
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen bug?
One million and four.
Two in the front, two in the back, and a million in the ashtray.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:11 pm
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:12 pm
SWFTWLF What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven One of my favorites.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:18 pm
This depends on the sex of the person telling the joke.
Men: What's the difference between marmalade and jam?
Victim: I dunno, what?
Men: I CAN'T JAM MY c**k UP YOUR a**.
Women: I CAN'T JAM MY FIST UP YOUR a**.
Sucks cuz it's funnier for men to tell. cry
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:20 pm
I think this was only funny 'cause my burly, southern brother-in-law-almost-sorta-kinda told it to me.
What's better than ********' a 14 year old Asian boy?
Nothin'.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 9:07 pm
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
DENIM, DENIM, DENIM.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 9:11 pm
"What does the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sound like with stakes shoved into their eyes?"
"Hmm?"
*grabs eyes and keels over* "OH ******** GOD MY EYES, AUUUGHHH."
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