lisiana

[Lisiana]

¤

every single letter is for yours to read
but, as you stay and as you leave,
keep your rosy little lips sealed
for in this thread is what i truly feel

- tl;dr: please, don't post -

¤

 

[Lisiana]

subject // he doesn't know
code // 10082011
mood // sad. kind of.
tuning in // Defying Gravity (Glee)
message //

He... really doesn't know, does he?

That he's the only reason why I don't bother signing off Facebook. That whenever I find his profile picture, I would immediately get excited--because this would usually mean a decent, lengthy chat with him. That I'd have this stupid smile on my face when we do have said chats. That I secretly want to sit next to him in class. That I would casually glance at him from time to time--and when I get caught glancing, I would smile up to him.

That I might have this eensy, weensy, teeny, tiny crush on him.

Or maybe I'm just always on overprotective friend alert whenever he's around. That'd make much more sense. We've been friends since freshmen year (or maybe many years before that, since we both went to the same school when we were both elementary kids.) And I always had that feeling whenever he's online for months. It was only now that I began to think about it in detail.

Yeah, now that you think about it, it was only now that I realize that I scrutinize his every move, his every smile. Only now that I see how... nice and friendly he actually was--in contrast to what he had shown everybody else when he was still a kid.

He seemed to smile a lot more now than ever. It must be because of his surroundings. Girls, I see, now start to talk to him at one point or another. He even started to talk about girls in front of me! "Hey, can you give me some advice on how to have a decent chat with this girl?" Or, "What do you think about her?"

Like the total idiot I am, I would cheerfully give him some advice about what to say and what not to say, and tell him some positive comments I've heard about the girl. He would thank me for the advice and for the time and leave the chat panel.

And then I would smack my head for my stupidity, and silently thank myself for acting the supportive friend I suppose he thought of me.

I felt something heavy inside a few days ago, when he changed his profile picture. I wouldn't have minded--no, wait, I should not mind it. After all, it was his profile picture, not mine. He was free to do anything to his profile, without anything tying him down.

After all, it was just a picture. A picture of him and another girl--a generous, fun-loving schoolmate of mine; him with an arm slung over her should and a small smile on his face, her with her biggest, prettiest smile. If they'd been new to me and I to them, I would've believe that they were the sweetest couple out there, happy with each other's company and would've relentlessly teased them about it. But I'm their friend--a friend who knows how to read the caption beneath the picture and the comments section.

She's a great friend of mine. And this whole thing was just planned, okay?

It was a moment later, when I saw that girl update her photo into the same profile picture he had, that I had realized what he meant by "just planned".

Calm down, my beating heart. They're just going with the flow of the teasing; nothing too serious.

Yet I can't help but think that there was something special behind it.

So, now, as I lay my Facebook page open, waiting for him to initiate the first move, I began to wonder. Am I the only one he's chatting with almost every night? Am I the only one he's chatting with at all? Does he have someone else to chat with? Is that the reason why we're both not chatting?

Stupid thoughts, I know. Try as I might, I just couldn't get these thoughts off my mind. To keep myself from going mentally insane, I try to answer my own questions.

Yes, he does chat with someone else. I'm not the only friend he has. He has a lot of friends he chats with. And we're both not chatting because he's busy chatting or doing something else.

That seemed to satisfy my curiosity, before my bones jumped.

Maybe we're not chatting because of what happened last night, or this morning.

Last night, I had not purposely ignored him throughout the party both our families were attending. I just had a lot of things in my mind. Like, how I'm going to do this, what's going to go well with that. You know, stuff. Besides, we were seated far away from each other, and the table beside my family was surrounded by little kids, who just snagged my attention the moment their adorable little eyes landed on my brown ones.

That, and the most interesting Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament I have ever played.

This morning, he wanted to chat with me, much to my relief. The conversation went like this:

Him: Do you have something to talk about? It's getting a bit boring over here.
Me: Ah. Uhm. Hi?
Him: Hello.
Me: See? We're having a little talk now.
He logged off.

Now, I don't know if he was pissed off or his internet connection had cut off, yet again.

But what I do know and am sure of is that he doesn't know all of these thoughts.

Which is okay. Completely, surely okay. After all, what we have right now--friendship--is already enough for me. I couldn't risk it falling apart after years of building it together.

Just as long as he is smiling under an unknown, starry sky, I'm satisfied.

And yet, why are my eyes starting to get wet? These are tears of joy, right? Happiness for him...

... right?
 

[Lisiana]

subject // stop leading me on
code // 10112011
mood // sort of mad.
tuning in // None
message //

"Hey, did you cut your hair?"

That's what he said to me today. It was also what had reawakened these silly feelings.

I mean, for the past few days, I've managed to convince myself that it's okay if he doesn't like me the way I like him because it's a simple message from who-knows-where that there's someone better out there for me; someone who'll love me for me. My prince charming slash knight in shining armor is already riding on his trusty stead to sweep me off my feet.

And then he goes and asks me that question. Seriously, of all the questions he could have asked, why did it have to be something related to the item that most people had overlooked--my hair?! I didn't even think that he would be able to notice it since my hair was only one inch shorter now. Heck, I don't even think that most of my female friends had noticed it, and they are usually the observant ones.

And my mind at that time?

OHMYGOSH. He noticed my hair! He noticed my hair! Okay. Act calm. Act cool. It's just hair, after all. It's not like it's a sign that he likes me back or anything. He was just curious, that's all. BUT OHMYGOSH, HE NOTICED MY HAIR!

And then, with that pretty smile of his--and an oblivious mind--he said, "'Cause, you know, the cut's a lot straighter now."

Right then and there, I really wanted to laugh at how foolish I'd been. Of course he'd noticed something like that. My old 'do had been jagged at the end. Now that it's cut clean, it's sort of noticable, I guess.

Anyway, I wasn't totally disappointed. I've been trying to strike a conversation based on a topic outside academic stuff. And, as short as our convo was, it still made me smile. A bit.

Oh. Gosh. He's turning me into a lovesick idiot through the most uncommon method known to man, and he doesn't even know it!  

[Lisiana]

subject // it's just weird
code // 10122011
mood // confused and guilty
tuning in // None
message //

So, first of all, I'd just like to express how guilty I am about my best friend.

You see, she currently has a dilemma. She wants to do two events. So, she should go to both if she wants to, right? Well, she can't. Not because her parents won't allow her to (I bet they're even supporting her in her activities), but because they're both going on at the same time, just not at the same place.

There are ways to counteract this. But they seem so illogical, and they go against her favor. The first event she wants to go to is a fixed one, while the second one is flexible. I suggested that she goes for both and sacrifices some stuff along the way just to fill them both. If she really, really wanted both. But, sadly, I think she thinks that she needs to choose only one of them, where in fact she could choose both but lose some things.

I really want to tell her that she should go to the first one, since she's been raving about it for days and was really sad when she heard that they're both on the same day. I know that she'll enjoy her time there better than the second event.

At the same time, I want her to join the second event simply because I know that she has a shot at this. And this event is already a great opportunity given to her. It could even change her life should she pursue this.

Gah. I just don't know how to be her best friend anymore. Come to think of it, I'm being a terrible, terrible friend to her; and she has been such a great friend to me. I don't know what I'd do without her.

She's probably studying, and I'm just here, typing away on this keyboard. I'm so, so screwed.

The reason why I feel guilty is that I said something to her that, knowing her, might have gotten on her nerves. And if I do apologize, she might get mad at me because I said it at the wrong time.

I'm having a dilemma myself. But, I have to remind myself that it's not as big as the problems I'll face in the future, and that someone has it worse than I do. Like her.

-headdesk-

Oh, yeah. We chatted again. He must seem to really trust me since he has told me another one of his secrets.

Well, not that I mind. It's just that, when a person trusts me too much, I'm afraid I might slip up and spill everything to another person. Which is what happened to me and my best friend in my early high school years. We've already forgiven each other, but I'm afraid history might repeat itself again. And again. And again.

I'm just afraid, that's all. I've been keeping a lot of secrets now: my friends', my family's... My own. And I'm scared that all this secret keeping would end up destroying everything I've ever cared for.

And I just realized two things: one, is that, from my point of view, almost everyone favors my sister's company more than mine.

And it should be that way, right? After all, she's smarter than me. Sharper than me. Funnier and wittier than me. Prettier than me...

People say she looks Korean. And Koreans are beautiful people, aren't they? So, is that an indirect way of saying she is beautiful?

Right. On to the second point: he usually likes girls whom he is teased with. That's the pattern I've seen from him. Other than that, he likes girls that are beautiful, slim, and have milky white skin. I have none of these. So, what are the chances that he likes me back?

Zero. Nada. Zilch.

Line for today: I love him, but only on my own. -- On My Own from Les Miserables.  

[Lisiana]

subject // i can't do anything
code // 10132011
mood // doubting myself
tuning in // None
message //

See, here's the thing: I think my family and (undoubtedly) my friends think that my younger sister is supposed to be the older one, and I, the younger one.

Heck, even strangers do.

Yeah, sure, it gives me the feeling of being youthful, but doesn't being older mean that they're better? You know, at everything: beauty, brains and people. And my younger sister sure is better at that.

And everyone prefers her company more than mine because I'm more of the introverted side of things while she is on the extroverted side of things. And our younger brother is both introverted and extroverted.

Weird family, I know. But, in my opinion, it's just like that. I don't really like socializing with people, which is why I usually stay at home, while she likes socializing with decent people (a.k.a. her friends, the good people), which is why she likes travelling more than I do. And our younger brother? He's somewhere in between.

I'm the thrifty kind, but not exactly the good one. I buy what's cheaper--like a book over the latest cellphone model, but I am too spendthrift to the point that I actually buy things that aren't "good". She, on the other hand, spends money on only the better kind, and, if she could, the best.

I'm usually awkward around my circle friends, except for my best friend, who's on the extroverted side too. Well, maybe I sometimes am awkward around my best friend, but that rarely happens. I can't tell them a decent joke, because I don't know how to crack a decent joke. I can't joke around with them, because I'm afraid they won't get my joke and end up getting insulted instead (because I think they pin me down as the serious type; they rarely ever joke around with me if ever I am within 5 meters' reach). I can't come up with a good topic, because every topic I ever came up with would usually end up in long minutes of awkward silence. I can't even comfort them when they're feeling down! The only thing I could do when the waterworks come is to sit there, rub their back two to three times, watch them, and think about how stupid I am to not know what to do at those times. I don't even know what to do or say when my best friend feels sad because I think I know she'd rather let it all out first before saying anything.

Oh, and if that's not enough, there are still more things I can't do. I sometimes can't speak straight since I stutter or can't find the right words to say. I can't say anything appropriate to the situation. I can't have a witty tongue like my sister's. I can't have a strong personality almost everyone wants me to have. I can't sing, even if they say I could (I just feel like they're just saying it to make me feel better or to take off the burden of singing themselves.) I can't dance. I can't not think of a time when I had ever successfully sewn something (they all end up badly sewn, but are miraculously still usable). I can't think quickly. I can't...

I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

Ugh. Why did I suggest something I couldn't even do? I told my sister that she should make the best of what she's got, and, in her stress and anger, snapped at me and told me the truth: to shut up because I undergo the same thing she does when I'm mad. I told him that he should just go and chat with her (a girl he likes) and see how it goes, when even I don't know what to do when I'm around a guy I like (sometimes, it can even be him!)

I just... don't know what to do anymore. I'm useless. Pathetic. And, above all, weak. Scared of every little thing that comes in my way.

Oh, what reason is there behind my existence?
 

[Lisiana]

subject // a bit tamed
code // 10142011
mood // a bit happy
tuning in // None
message //

Thank Heavens! My best friend could go to the first event now since the second event got cancelled! Yay~ I'm so happy for her. I just hope that she gets in even though she already said she wouldn't go a few days ago.

She's been talking about this since, well, since she broke the news to me a few days ago, and she was devastated--okay, that's a bit exaggerated, but she was really, really sad when she got the news. And now, it's clear that she was made for the event!

I've seen another one of his patterns. He gets on at seven or six (presumably, almost always after he gets home and eats dinner) and leaves at eight in the evening. And in class (both in the morning or in the afternoon) he sleeps. This might have something to do with what his "duties"--as I'd like to call them, since he uses the term "I have to do something" when he leaves at eight--are. My guesses are he's going to sleep (eight might have been his curfew), daily family-oriented activity (like DDR, Scrabble, watching movies with his brother), cleaning the house (what? It's not unlikely; oh, gosh! I just imagined him in a maid's uniform. LOL), or doing his homework/studying his lessons/anything related to academics (even though he says he doesn't do studying at night at all).

I've never asked him this question before, because I feel like I'm going to invade his private, personal space. Even so, it doesn't stop me from answering my own questions.

Maybe... maybe he's just sitting there, daydreaming or dreaming about her with a big smile on his face. like he did one time. I've never actually seen him do it, but he says he did. One time.

And, oh! Yeah, my younger sister just got Pokemon Black! It brings back so much memories of the past. I remember our very first Pokemon game: Pokemon Emerald. It's just so nostalgic. The battle scenes, the music--especially the music! Oh, gosh. When her Pokemon were being healed by Nurse Joy, the little beeping sound made along the way just puts a smile on my face.

Some things never change.
 

[Lisiana]

subject // almost blown my cover
code // 10115011
mood // -headdesk-.
tuning in // None
message //

Okay, so the day I discovered that I might like him was also the day I swore to never, ever tell him--or anyone AT ALL--that I might like him until after I've sorted out my feelings.

I went all out so that I could keep this promise. I call him "Big Brother" to constantly remind myself of the fact that we're just friends and that he's like a big brother to me. I randomly speak baby just to annoy the hell out of him.

I tried, numerous times, not to glance at him from time to time during class. I tired not to think of him when I'm on my idle moments. I tried not to get my hopes up whenever I hear a "bleep" sign on my facebook account. I tried to take off the stupid grin on my face. I tried not to be disappointed when he's not online, when he hasn't started the convo yet, or when he hasn't replied.

I tried to dismiss this as the feeling as I what I dub, "overprotective friend syndrome." I tried to not get jealous whenever he jokes around with his friends and girls. I tried to calm my heart whenever he's near.

I cheerfully encourage him to go after the girl he, I quote, "really, really, really, really, really likes." Furthermore, this is the second time I've done this.

And where do all those efforts go to before now? Him, being happy with how his life is going because, even if he thinks he doesn't get his girl in the end, he can freely talk to someone about it and dream about her. Me, being happy for him because he's happy and that our friendship isn't ruined by my silly feeling.

Basically, both of us are happy with how everything is turning out.

And I almost shattered that happiness by almost telling him that I l... l... li... like him.

It wasn't my fault! He started it!

He started by asking about how old my mother was when she gave birth to me. And then he talked about his birth, as told by his aunt and his parents. He talked about how he would not have been sent to a regular school like he does right now. How he would not have loved basketball as much as he does right now. How he would not have met all of "you guys".

How he would not have met her.

Yeah, I have to admit, that was both a surprise (his whole dialogue, not the last line, mind you) and a knife to me.

His next question was what really threw me off my seat.

"In your opinion, how different would the class be if I was not here?"

I thought about what to answer him without it sounding like a confession for a full 10 minutes before typing in my first draft. After a few minutes of dusting off any area that was simply horrible, I hit the "reply" button.

My reply was nothing sort of the ordinary. I mean, I just said I wouldn't have someone to call "big brother" outside my family. I would be lurking around instead of chatting with him. The whole class would just miss something.

Wait, back up a couple of sentences there. "I would be lurking around instead of chatting with him." Does this imply something?

OH, GOSH. NO. I hope he doesn't see it that way--you know. That way. Like, he's-the-only-person-I-chat-with-almost-every-night-because-I-enjoy-our-chats-if-time-permits-both-of-us way.

Gosh. ANYTHING but THAT.

What if he's picked up something I accidentally left behind? A sign that I liked him. What if he has noticed that?

Oh, no. No. No. No. NO! You know what would follow this? Extreeeeemely awkward conversations not only on Facebook, but also in the real world, and extreeeeemely awkward moments.

Oh, and before that, would be the classic question everyone wants to know: "who's your crush?" It would probably stem from a topic of her again, and then he would say that he's told me everything he has ever felt, and that he was honest with me the whole time and trusted me and only me with this precious little secret. And then he would prod me with endless questions of "who's he?", "what's he like?", "do I know him?".

But, knowing him, he won't prod me with those questions. He would wait, like a true gentleman.

Problem is, his patience has its own limits too. And I wonder when he would reach over that limit.

P.S. Office chairs. Making you lazy since the year it was invented.
 

[Lisiana]

subject // i should really be studying
code // 10162011
mood // procrastinate-y
tuning in // None
message //

You know, I should really be studying for my exams next week.

But, this is such a great opportunity to make a new journal entry, I just can't let it pass (even though there were a few events today). I share the bedroom with my sister, but she's out with some friends right now, leaving the bedroom and I to have some ample alone time.

Which means there's privacy. And when privacy and solitude are combined, it makes me feel safe. And I don't have to go through the trouble of switching from one tab to another, or the guilt of hiding something from my sister.

So, what to say? Well, it was just any other ordinary day. Nothing much happened, but I wouldn't call it boring. It was just a so-so.

We didn't chat today. Maybe he's busy with the exams too, because I'm sure he already finished his projects way ahead of me. Lucky him. I labored over the job for two days, trying to make it sound "good" in my ears.

That's funny. I kind of miss him. I checked out my horoscope for today, and it said that I will feel the fragrance of my friend in his absence. Does this mean that I would miss my friend today? If so, then it's scarily true. I don't just mean missing him, though. I miss my best friend, even though we chatted just now. I miss my friends. Everyone. I think I couldn't wait to start school tomorrow.

Speaking of the devil, I think my friends are indirectly saying that I should translate the whole Midsummer Night's script to "modern english" by myself (we're doing this for a play.) Oh, come on. As much as I enjoyed reading the whole thing by itself, and translating it, it's tiring. Really, really tiring.

And they're not even that busy! Well, I'm not as well...

Oh, fine. I'll do it. I'll do half of it, while they do the other half.

Sounds fair? Well, I don't think so. They'll still manage to persuade me into translating the rest of it.

So this is what my other friend feels like... huh. Never thought about it this way.

My horoscope also says that I "should not make hasty decisions that I will regret later on in life." Well, I just did. I bought this cute top from a shop, but I couldn't find the right time to wear it. I had the urge to wear it today, so I wore it to church.

I regretted it, a bit. Who wouldn't? My back started itching. Because it was an off-shoulder top, my bra straps would occasionally be seen. It always rose to expose my stomach. And, lastly, my mother and my sister and I fuss over it, which was a bit annoying for me.

Nonetheless, I felt quite happy because I wore it. And even happier because I learned a new lesson today: Never, ever wear it unless forced to.

I'm so screwed by tomorrow. I was not able to pass an article for the school newspaper last Friday. And if I passed now, it would all be too late. They'd still be angry at moi for not being able to pass it on time.

But, that's okay. I've got it all figured out.

OH.MY.GOSH. HE'S ONLINE NOOOOOOOOW!

Wait--why, of all times, now?

This is a miraculous time, even if he had done this a few times in the past. I was even surprised one time that the both of us managed to chat until ten in the evening. That never happened again, though. Which is sorta sad.

I can tell: he won't chat with me tonight. He's just checking to see if she has any updates on her profile, new pictures, etc.

Yep. I think he is currently stalking her profile.

I hope he doesn't see her status last night, because that would surely be the main topic of our conversation, if he ever chats with me. At the same time, I do hope he does see it, so that he'll be happy in cloud 9, imagining that it would be his name on her status.

Well, that was surprising. We're going to chat about a song.

I gotta go. I'll give you the deets later, journal.

 

[Lisiana]

subject // really, it shouldn't bother me at all
code // 10242011
mood // void. and annoyed.
tuning in // None
message //

Okay, so the reason I went totally M.I.A. last week was because it was exams and it took all of my willpower to not write down a journal entry while I was "resting" from reviewing my lessons.

Because that would lead to Gaia Online, Facebook, Twitter--you get the point.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yes. The convo I mentioned last time.

Well, eh, it was a bit unexpected and expected at the same time. Unexpected, because we talked about a song. He was never the music type, and yet, there he was, talking about a song--a type of music. Expected, because the subject of the song eventually led us to a topic of her.

Wow. This girl is just... wow. She managed to make someone like him relate to music, of all things. She really did leave a big mark on him, even if she doesn't know it.

That's the sad part: she doesn't know she's affecting him, like he's affecting me. But they both don't know because of different reasons: she kind of avoids him (it was her classmates, and, somehow, the teachers who teased the both of them of being cute together.) And him? Well, he's too busy looking at her to notice something from me.

Which is good. Totally good. I mean, come on, why kind of crush is this? Who would encourage one's crush to crush on another person? It's totally insane. Now that I think about it, I'm not encouraging him because I don't want to seem suspicious anymore, but I'm encouraging him because they really do look cute together.

Wait. Does this mean it's CO? Crush-over?

OH MY GOSH. If yes, then that means I'm FREEEE! At last, I could sense the true spirit of single-ness.

I shouldn't be bothered by us talking about her all the time now. But why does it bother me still?

... maybe it's because the topic's getting a tad too old. I mean, all he ever talks about is how "unreachable" she is; how "out-of-his-league" she is. And it's kind of getting boring.

There were only several topics about her that were interesting. Like, when he asked me for advice on what gift should I give her.

It was interesting because he sounded nervous on the chat panel. I could imagine him breaking a sweat just thinking about what gift would best make her smile. It made me laugh a bit.

I advised him to give her a sketch. He was pretty good with those--even if he was still a beginner with a few mistakes here and there, but he was still good. Great, even.

He was a bit hesitant, but he tried anyway. He told me so on our chat the other day. He also told me that he had to hide somewhere just to draw her, or else he'd suffer from the endless torment his family would give him--A.K.A. teasing.

He didn't let me see the picture, but he said that it was horrible. I can't really judge because I didn't see what he had drawn, but I'm sure that it was nice.

Then I told him my second suggestion: give her a hair clip. I don't know where this idea came from, or how it was formed, but, yeah. A hair clip.

Because, you know, necklaces were often best given when you're already deep into your relationship. Bracelets? Anklets? I don't normally see her wear either one of them, but they'd be good gifts as well...

So, for me, the best bet for him would be a hair clip. Why? Because it's an innocent, harmless gift she could wear anytime, any place. And it's worn on the head, which makes it very visible to a person's eye; he could see that she's wearing it. Plus, there are plenty of cute clips in stores.

Okay, fine. The main reason for the hair clip idea was because I read about a guy in a manhwa (Korean form of manga) anonymously giving the girl this cute little hairclip. The scene was just too adorable! The girl liked it. So, I'm assuming she'll like it as well since I've seen her with a few ribbons or two.

And then he told me, "Would a book be okay?"

I was like, triple dot for a sec before telling no one in particular: Seriously? Of all the nice things to give a girl--a girl you like--the only thing you could think about is giving her a book?

No, I'm not saying that a book is a horrible idea for a gift. I think it's a great idea, especially if the book is what the receiver had always wanted. It's just... well, I don't think she's the type to be into books.

 

[Lisiana]

subject // confrontations?
code // 10302011
mood // worried
tuning in // None
message //

I have been a horrible, horrible best friend lately.

It's been a few days since we last saw each other personally, but, for us--well, at least, for me-it's been, like, FOREVER since I saw her.

We do occasionally go on Facebook to chat and catch up on things. I was even suspicious once because she used her brother's account to contact me. When I was so sure that I heard her voice through the messages she sent me, I began to relax.

She said she would call me at night. I told her it was okay. But my mom got to the phone first and told her that I had slept, when I had been wide awake all along!

I bet she's going to avoid me later on. Our families are planning to go somewhere, sometime this afternoon. And I'm here, hyperventilating.

Like, how should I confront her? She's probably mad at me or something. Or maybe she'll shrug it off even if it hurts her.

But I don't want her to shrug it off. It would just make me feel worse. And more frustrated.

What should I do...?

 

[Lisiana]

subject // random thoughts
code // 10312011
mood // worried
tuning in // None
message //

Okay, so, remember the last entry? The one where I totally freaked out about my best friend going i-don't-know-you mode?

Well, turns out my fears were only that: fears. They never came true, which is what I'm grateful for.

Plus, our families had a great time yesterday. It was my first time zipping down a cord--they call it the "Zipline". I rode it with her. At first, all of us agreed to go solo, to do "superman", just as her brother did, but none of us were that daring; so the rest of us rode in pairs.

At first, even if my best friend was with me during the ride, I was sorta scared. But it wasn't scary at all. The view was fantastic from that vantage point. I was literally breathless since the wind blew hard against my cheeks, and I was screaming out of pure happiness.

And then we stopped at the center of the zip line.

Now, even if they told us that we have the chance of stopping at the center of the zipline, I was so sure that I was going to be scared out of my wits. I was so sure that I would be scared even more if I looked down. But, when I did look down, I was not trembling; both my body and my mind were calm.

That's when I was sure that I believed and trusted God. I trusted Him not to let the both of us fall 300 plus meters down. Because I believe that I shouldn't be scared because God is always with me.

Another comforting thought was that the guys who handled the zipline were totally prepared for this. They have a 100+ customers almost every single week. Maybe even more. They've got this one down.

And, sure enough, even if it was slow, we reached the other end of the zip line, only to continue to the next part of the zip line. My hands weren't gripping the rope anymore. I was flying.

The only thing I regretted in that experience was not being able to bring my camera while I was zipping down. What? The view was amazing!

---

An event for today? Well, there were none much.

Except for a close call.

You see, the teachers at my school are all professionals. Except for a tiny, ah, thing. They're quite the nosy type.

When they see something that is minutely related to romance, they share it to other people. And this sharing automatically spreads out to every breathing being inside the campus, because our campus is just one half the size of other school campuses.

She wrote down her birthday, which was on the exact same day as his. And then she smiled coyly at me and teasingly told me his name. I would've been under her torture if I wasn't quick enough to tease her back.

She immediately dismissed it after that, which was quite a relief. But what I'm worried about now is what they'll say about the both of us. They'll come up with some scheme to set us up, just like the time wherein they set someone else up with whom they presume is "the one".

Now, this isn't the first time I was worried. Two summers ago, I started to hang out with this guy. And I was getting worried that we'd be paired up or something, and that our tourmates (I was on a tour) would come up with some sick name for our "pairing". "Pairing" people up was a fad those days.

I worried about it for one week each night, when, one day, it almost came true. Luckily, it kind of didn't.

But, still, it was a close call. As much as I like teasing others, I don't want to be at the receiving end of the teasing.

... kind of hypocritical, don't you think?

Okay, maybe I should stop teasing others... if the people around me aren't teasing them. Yeah, that's it. But when it comes to my best friend and a few of my close friends, I won't.

I just hope she doesn't create some magical illusion about me and him together.
 

[Lisiana]

11/07/11

So far, so good. No one seems to be suspicious.

Except for my best friend. She seems to have a hunch, but she's not saying anything. At least, until the right time when she could drive me into a corner and ask me questions.

It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that ... I don't think she'll handle it nicely.

She said he said something (not in her face, of course; he's too much of a gentleman to do that. She just happened to hear him tell his friends something, which, until now, is still anonymous to me.) that made her upset to the point that she ignores him most of the time, except for when it's needed like in a group activity--but, other than that, no. She doesn't interact with him at all. She even claims that she doesn't like him existing in this world.

Actually, she has been feeling this way since we were all still kids, but last year, I thought things had changed for the better, you know?

Because she interacted with him more, even joking around with him when we're all idle. Her dislike grew less and less with each passing day. She even just recently told me she used to think she had this minute crush on him, but then "eventually found out that she regarded him more as a younger brother than a love interest." Note the quotation here.

But what did she hear that made her so... Like this?

It's driving me crazy nowadays. I mean, yeah, it's none of my business. But, still, I want to know.

But I can't force it out from her because I know she'll lie to me about it. And I know where our relationship will be headed. So, I'll wait.

For how long? I do not know.

I just pray to God that they'll work something out.

Because, as much as I talk about him in my journal entries, I kind of wanted them to be together because they're like fire and rain, Venus and Mars. She's beautiful, and smart. She's raised in a good family and has a loving heart, save for those who really had gotten themselves unto her hate list. He may not be as handsome as the most handsome guy in our class, but his looks are above average. He's also smart and a complete gentleman when it comes to girls, except for the girls he like--he's clumsy around them.

They're both from good families. They're both aiming high. They both quarrel like newlyweds, care like siblings and have fun like friends.

But...

GAH.

Maybe it has something to do with her hunch. Maybe she thinks that I like him and she's stepping out so that she could give space for me to avoid fights between me and her.

That's insane. If she thinks that we're fighting over one dude who doesn't even notice what we have, then she's wrong. I'll always choose her over some boy. Because there's only one best friend for me--and that's her. I could find a gajillion boyfriends, but I couldn't find a friend like her.  

[Lisiana]

11/30/11

I've been meaning to write in this journal for some time now.

Over the past few weeks, literally a lot of things had happened. I've had my wins, my loses and my neutrals--but overall, it was an enjoyable ride.

What still bothers me though is my best friend's conflict with him.

She, subtly, told me what had happened. While I totally agree with my best friend about him changing into something worse, I think him being this cool kid who jokes with his friends is just some kind of facade--a cover up so that he won't be teased or bullied again. Or revenge, but not to the bullies, but to the innocent by-standers--one of them happened to be her.

Yeah, it was mean of him to say such things. She didn't even do anything to him!

... just who is the real him? The person I chat with every night or the person with the hurtful jokes?

The more I think about this, the more I think about my own actions.

I've started noticing some things about me. Like, when I'm on chat, I'm this friendly person who's his so-called "true friend." And when I'm off chat, I'm somewhat indifferent to him. Our only interaction off chat is when he asks me about school-related stuff like homework or quizzes.

I've become such a cruel person. But I can't help it! My loyalties lie on my best friend, I know. And my best friend says that it's okay for me to be friends with him. But... somehow, deep inside me, I think she's angry every time I talk to him.

I... quite frankly, do not know what to do anymore. I wish they could just go back in time and be friends again, and everything will be alright once more. No, my tiny crush on him isn't connected with this at all. I just want them to be happy again. I want them to help one another again. I want them to be friends again, so that I won't be so torn apart by now.

No, I'm not blaming her or anyone. It's because, well, I'm not so good with this whole friendship thing. In fact, the only people I can be truly comfortable around are my family, and my best friend. My classmates who have been with me since elementary? Yeah, they're friends. But I feel so distant from them. They won't even joke around with me, but they do joke around when I'm in the room. So, they're OK with me being there in the same room as them, right?

But what if they're just tolerating me because I'm their classmate? What if they're just letting me in because I might feel... disgusted by their behavior?

Oh, hell no. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, they're being careful about my feelings in the matter. But, it will only make me feel worse, knowing that they're just tolerating me to be in the same room as them but inwardly not wanting to.

I'm already happy when they're happy. Isn't that enough? Can't they see that?  

[Lisiana]

12/09/11

I just passed a crappity crap article. I hate it.

But what else can I do? Pass another article? Wouldn't that just quadruple the crappiness?

I didn't want to crush ma'am spirit again, so I had to do it. Tonight.

Ugh. Need to sleep but I can't, or I don't want to.

We're not chatting anymore. Is that bad?

Well, it's only just for today.

Hey, wait a minute, why am I looking into this?

OOH. NO. NO. NO. NO. I SHOULD NOT BE OBSSESSED.

I mean, yeah, chatting is fun with him since he's more comfortable on the net, but, still. Obsessing over it? Wow, I had just stepped into a new low.

I don't like it one bit. Each day I hope to chat with him, and each time I end up not chatting with him. It's like, ugh. I can't even explain it.

It's not like I don't want to chat with him. It's just that, if I grow accustomed to this "tradition", then I'll surely be chatting with him more in the future, when we both choose different colleges.

... or maybe not. We don't have a common ground anymore. He has somewhere he has to go, and I have somewhere I have to go. Yeah, sure, we would meet again someday (Alumni night). But, it won't be the same as now.

You know, I hope someday, he'll be happy with what he does, along with a girl he loves, a family he cares for and friends to surround him with. Even if I'm not in the picture. Even if I'm forgotten. Even if... I disappear.

Because he deserves that. Everyone does. Even my best friend. I want her to marry a man first before I do, so that if ever something happens to me, her husband'll be always there. My sister and brother as well. I want them to marry ahead of me so that their other half will be able to take care of them, and I won't have to worry that much when I... well, you know. Since I'm older, I am somewhat more prone to disappear before anyone else in my family does.

If ever I get married, I want my son and my daughter to be happily married first before truly resting in peace. My husband will mourn for a little while before being delighted by the news that either my daughter-in-law or daughter has gotten pregnant with a baby.

Well, that's looking too far into the future, isn't it? Might as well keep it in my daydreams.  

[Lisiana]

12/18/11

Hell week is now over, and it's almost the most merriest season of the year--Christmas!

I've already received my first gift. They're from my parents. I'm a bit skeptical about what's inside it. Almost every year for the past five years now, my parents have bought me clothes. But, each and every one of them are different and unique and fab. I love them all!

This year, I'm hoping it's colored green. Or grey. Any color's fine, actually. Just as long as they've thought of me when they bought the gift. =3

Speaking of gifts, he's having his 16th birthday tomorrow. And, I don't know if he considers what happened yesterday a gift, but I do.

See, yesterday, we had our annual (last) Christmas party. It was also the time wherein he would finally execute his plan that took two whole friggin' months to, well, plan.

Remember the girl he liked, the one I mentioned earlier? Yeah, it's the same girl. He wanted to give her a pack of his favorite gum--and hopes she likes it too--at the Christmas party. He and I, through chats and stuff, planned it for two months, ever since he had bought the gum.

He didn't have the chance to, though. Because there were lots and lots of people around, so he couldn't risk the whole school finding out and teasing him (and her) about it.

So, we went to the our local swimming pool area thing. Coincidentally, she arrived when he was about to give up and go home. BUT, instead of acting out as planned, he gave the present to ME and asked me to give it to HER.

It was sorta awkward. I don't really talk to her that much, and she doesn't talk to me that much. So, I just placed the gift in her hand, told her to have a merry Christmas, and left as abruptly as I could. I didn't see her face when she read the gift card, though.

And you know what was waiting for me when I got back to him?

Yeah, that's right. Him, grinning like a fool because he finally (indirectly) gave the gum to her.

I know I should have been mad because he chickened out at the last minute, but watching him, smiling--yes, folks, he rarely flashes out a genuine smile-- and being happy because of his little achievement, I didn't have the heart to be angry at him.

For some reason, I don't feel sad. I just feel happy, for him. I mean, how many times could you witness an inexperienced guy giving a young girl a gift, even if the third whe--friend was the one doing the giving?

((ALLITERATION. My English teacher will be so proud. Speaking of which, she was my Secret Santa at the Christmas party! >w< So happy~ She even got me this cute little purse/bag, and, hopefully, it will match the dress I have sitting in my closet. BACK TO THE TOPIC.))

I've always been the third wheel in any relationship. Back when my best friend and he were friends, I would always be the middle-man. Neither disagreeing or agreeing with the both of them. Just neutral. Which was why I would sometimes end up being in the background, or the one in the middle of their fights.

Sigh... those were the good times.

It's still good, today. But, sometimes, there's tension in the air when the teacher tries to place them in the same group. She doesn't talk to him unless necessary, he doesn't talk to her. At all.

But, when they're not in the same room, they would acknowledge the other's presence. Like how my best friend gets irritated and talks about how his group used this program for their project. Or like how he makes faces whenever she gets a better score.

It's like the connection's still there, but they're just not talking.

What's the same then and now is the fact that I'm still sort of the third wheel--the middle one between the both of them.

Which is kind of awkward.