How To Be Selfish...???

[Icy Reign]

Now, I know I'm probably in the wrong forum, again, but hey, I'm still learning. Here's my situation...For as long as I can remember, I've been what you would call "do-girl" or "go-to-girl". Meaning, if there was something that you wanted or needed and you knew me, then you'd come to me knowing that you'd get it. I've always put myself on the back burner for so called friends, significant others, family and even asscociates because I thought I was supposed to have everyone like me. I wanted to be everyones friend and vice versa. Yea, REAL naive back then.

Well, I learned that everyone is not your friend, yet I couldn't turn off putting myself last. To this day, I still give people my last if they say they're in need. I know where I got the majority of this from and that's my mother. She USED to be that way, but it took her YEARS to grow out of it and become what she tells me all the time to do, SELFISH. Now, when you hear the word "selfish", you probably immediately link the word with bad issues. I say that because I do. I know what it's like to have someone be selfish with you and I never want to make anyone else feel that way, but I also understand where my mom is coming from. She wants me to take time for me, do for me and let the rest figure it out themselves. My mom asked me a question one day that I'd never asked myself, didn't even think of acknowledging before. She asked me, "Out of all the people you've helped and let piggyback until they were on their feet, how many have returned the favor, or out of sheer generosity, gave you something for helping them? Shared their blessings with you after you sharing so much with them?" All I could do was just look at my mom, because I honestly did not have an answer for that question, and that's when it finally sunk in what she was talking about becoming "selfish".

(Sorry, rambling again...) To make a long story short, it's not the fact that I don't understand why to become selfish, but I don't know how to be! It's encoded in my DNA(figure of speech, of course) to help others! That's what I grew up around. I don't know another way. I know alot of people take my kindness for weakness, because I have a huge heart and I never want to see anyone without when I know I can help. So, I'm asking my fellow Geezers if you have any advice, know what I'm going through, what. If you have to criticize, yell, scream, jump up and down and stomp you feet, just give me some answers as to how to shut this craziness off!!! Thanks....  

[Kairanha]

I can admit I can appear pretty selfish, but one of my core philosophies is that if I can teach a person to do things for themselves, it's of much more benefit to them in the long run than just bailing them out over every minor thing. Of course if I see a friend that's gotten in too deep or in a situation out of their control then I'll directly step in as long as I can keep a clean conscience over it.

It's a fine line to tread and sometimes feelings do get hurt (mine as well) over it, but I find that when I have to show some tough love people come away with a greater respect for me and for those that I teach to face things on their own will usually become a true friend. Eventually. :]  

[bandaidd]

I do! I do!

As a fellow "help-other-people-until-the-life-force-gets-sucked-out-of-you sufferer", I feel your pain.

Here is the first solution that has worked pretty well for me, and at least helped me not say yes to things I would later resent, because I was overextending or they were unreasonable requests. I had to be coached by a friend, but I can do it all by myself now.

Next time someone asks you to do something, say this with a smile:

I'D LOVE TO! BUT I CAN'T

At that point you will want to explain why you can't but don't. That is plenty. You do not need to justify it.


anywho, gotta run. pm me if i can help, sweetie.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

I've sort of always had a bit of a "selfish" streak in me, so maybe I can help.

When it came to school, I was one of the "smart kids"... and of course as a "smart kid", you end up with people asking you to do their homework for them. I managed to stop this trend pretty quickly by asking too many questions for them to handle. I learned this can also work with other aspects of life.

For example:
Random Person: Can you do my math homework for me?
Me: Why can't you do it yourself?
Person: I don't understand it.
Me: What don't you understand?
Person: All of it.
Me: What does "all of it" mean?
Person: I don't know how to do the problems.
Me: Which problems?
Person: Never mind stare

If someone can stand up to your line of questioning, you know they actually need your help and they're not just trying to get you to do their work for them.

There's also a difference between helping someone and taking on their burden. If you just do things for them, then they'll become dependent on you because they don't know how to do it themselves, or they just find it easier to have you do it for them.

Also, depending on what it is they're asking help for, you can sometimes deter them by asking up front why they cannot do it themselves and what you will get in return. For certain situations this can be seen as highly inappropriate {such as if a friend is going through some really difficult times}, but you can judge for yourself whether or not it would be too harsh.  

[lady ayami chan]

ohhh i can relate - that was my job when i lived back home, to be used and abused.
my solution was way more extreme though... I removed myself from every social network where the people who constantly bum off me knew where to find me, I also changed my number to my cell phone. I gave my number to people that i care about that also havd a history of helping/caring about me . Also i gave screen names to good friends... I also moved away with my hubby.... I just removed myself mostly... Now that I don't have such a "past" with people and my hubby supports my doing what is healthy for me not what other people demand of me I find it easier to go about my life. I still am kind to people etc. but I just think about myself first for example:
will this put me in a bind in any way?
would doing this make me feel irritated or uncomfortable?
questions that address MY health and needs.
If something will inconvenience me I usually just say that I can't help or I already have plans etc.

I guess you can pull some useful ideas from this without going as far as I did.... people I knew were not of the best quality...

I will admit I had more than a few "friends" when I was such a doormat - and it felt nice to be surrounded by so many "friends". But now I only really have one person whom I'd call a friend and she is an original friend of mine. She is the one person who cares for me as I do her... (i am not including my hubby here he is a given)
I think true friends are much more rare... an I'm happier with one true one than 30 who don't care about me at all... in fact many of the people that were my "friends" just stopped talking me me after I moved... sorta like I only mattered when I was available to help in person.  

[Psyzapp]

I find that sometimes saying "Oh, I'd love to" in front of a "no" still can leave the door open depending upon how the person takes the meaning of this statement. Saying "I'd love to" means that they could come and ask you again because you've basically said "I would if I could, this time just didn't work out." So it's really a "no today" statement and thus the person could come back to haunt you.

Not always (it really depends upon the situation if you need to have more tact or not), but typically, I tend to be a little more direct. Being more direct has benefits and drawbacks like anything else. Sadly, women who are direct tend to be labeled a B-I-T-C-H. Sometimes my "inner b***h" really helps me out. Now it all depends upon the situation and sometimes using your "inner b***h" isn't appropriate. Any real friend and a friend worth having is going to give you the option and accept "no" from you as a legitimate answer.

Here are some statements that will close the door:
No…Nope…I don't want to…I'm busy…I already have plans…Do it yourself…Not in this lifetime…*laugh hysterically and somewhat sarcastically.* You're joking, right?…

I could go on and on here. But a good response to anyone that presses you and starts begging say "I don't want to". Simple as that. You don't need to justify anything. I did this with a sales person trying to get me to agree to one of those "you've won a trip to Orlando" calls. I said "I don't want to go to Orlando" when asked why I restated "I don't want to". When he argued with me and said that there must be a reason why I didn't want to go to Orlando, I got irritated and I asked this stupid person "What is it that you don't understand, I…DON'T…WANT…TO." Then I said "Did I stutter, you moron? I…DON'T…WANT…TO…period…end of story." By this time, your message is received loud and clear. wink  

[TequilaRose]

this happens to me all the time. I've had people live with me and took care of them and helped them get back on their feet and after I finally told them I can't help anymore not one has called or written or said thank you. I totally understand where being selfish is a necessity. I went through a horrible time last year and the person I thought was my friend didn't even try to be there for me...and she was living with me. I finally reached my breaking point and told her I needed her out of my house and for her to get on her feet. I miss our talks and hanging out but she hasn't even once tried to call or email me. She lived with me for 2 years and I remember late nights where we stayed up and she'd cry and I'd help her out with her boyfriend issues but like I said.. when I needed her she checked out and avoided me. I know it's hard but you need to learn to say no and I hate to say this but to an extent if it's not going to benefit you don't do it. You will be disappointed every time if you expect payback for anything nice you do including giving your time and love.  

[Chimaria]

Just my 2 cents...but i think we suffer from an illness called "Can't say No". & for some stupid reason we are always helpful with a smile. We always feel used up, but always put our selves out for others. Family, Friends, Strangers...there has got to be a pill for that...
I wish i could say "Sorry i can't" ...i just can't  

[Liada Trovaras]

I'm pretty much the same way here. I always look out for my friends and I'm always declining offers from my friends and what not. At this point in my life I've grown into knowing when to help others without needing or wanting anything back. And when to draw a line. I wish I didn't hafta learn it from some of the experiences that I have but hey, *shrugs* stuff happens in life and you learn one way or the other from it. I've also become more aware of some words that my grandmother passed onto me that I take more to heart depending on the case. "You go out and be the best kind of person you want yourself to be, but always remember to always look out for yourself."  

[Lil Brat]

Once you get it figured out, explain it to me. You'll probably need to use small words as at 41, I still haven't learned how to stick up for myself and not get suckered in to doing everybody's everything. Funnily enough, I have a real hard time letting others help me, though. Perhaps because somehow they always disappoint me, and my "little helper self" doesn't want to set others up for failure. neutral

Actually, I'm getting better at not allowing my mother to pack my bags and send me on a little trip if I don't hop, skip and jump to her tune immediately, or flat at don't move for her at all. Now if only I could transfer that ability on to others I know... like at work. stare