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 Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 4:31 am
I just joined here. So far I like what I see. There seems to be an even balance of romanticism and direct, cutting honesty. So if you would be so kind as to read the following and offer your advice, I would be ever so grateful.
I have issues with elaborating too much, to warn you beforehand. First I will write the condensed version. And then I will post all of the other details just in case you're curious/willing to read it. x:
Condensed Version:
I met a boy online who I grew to care very much for. We haven't had the chance to meet up in person, though, thanks to all kinds of complications. Even though I wanted to see how we'd be in person, I got so tired of waiting. And I got scared of getting too attached to someone I didn't really feel like I HAD, you know? So after e-dating him since Aug '08, I broke it off. We get along, but I just want more from a relationship and I'm so impatient. Plus I've been yearning for physical contact, which has been distracting me like crazy. I just want to get laid. D:
We've been broken up for a week now. The day we broke up we said we wouldn't contact each other anymore. But one of us would crack every now and then during the week and send a text.
Basically, I feel irrational for loving someone I've never met in person. I feel silly. I feel like it's not possible to have a real relationship with him, and that scared me because I was getting super attached to him. Now I'm wondering if I made a mistake in breaking it off because I miss him so badly.
Any ideas? What would you do in this situation? Do you believe a long distance relationship could really work?
For more background information, please read the novel below. >>'
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 4:32 am
LD Relationship Details:
After my previous "relationship" got totally botched, I started focusing on my writing, posting my poetry and flash fiction on a writing site that I frequent. I started exchanging commentary and feedback with a couple of other writers there, which led to us talking via MSN, which then led to us becoming e-friends.
It was myself, a girl, and a boy. The girl lives in the UK, so it got hard to keep up with her due to our schedules and the time differences. But the boy was a few states over and it was easier to work/talk with him more often.
At first I merely admired him. Not only was he a good writer, he was super helpful. He gave great feedback, and he would actually sit there and fine tune ideas with me via messenger. When we weren't writing, we would chat about random life crap. And then I found these series of questions online, so we made a game of answering them, which allowed us to get to know one another better. The girl joined in whenever she was on at the same time, but for the most part it was just me and him chatting all night. We'd casually flirt in between all of this. (I love flirting. I will flirt with girls, even though I'm completely hetero. I'm incorrigible, I know.)
Before long, I was totally crushing. He was intelligent, witty, sweet, and cute in that sexy-geek sort of way. But I didn't say anything because I was a little embarrassed. I would think, leave it to me to like someone I've never even met before. I didn't even know how it was possible. It just happened.
But then one night he started telling me about how he liked me, and asked what I thought about long distance relationships, etc. After a bit of back and forth, we decided to try it out. At that point I figured, what the hell. He seems like a great guy so far, and since he's half way across the country, how serious could it really get? I could avoid "real life" boys a little longer while still feeling like I had someone, you know?
So we started dating, carrying on as usual but with a few extras, like more lovey-dovey language, phone calls, texts. We'd get the same movies and watch them at the same time so that we could pretend we were together. We'd get the same MMORPGs and play together. It was all very cute.
We kept trying to plan visits, but for some reason it never happened. For example, at one point I was saving up money, but I ended up having to get whole new tires and rims, which totally used up the flight money I had saved. He didn't have money at that time, being a full time student and pretty much living off of his parents.
Time passed so quickly. I was busy graduating from college (yes, we're old. I'm 23, he's 21), working, hating work, quitting the horrible work, enrolling into school again, finding a new job, finding spiritual enlightenment (NOT RELIGION, btw). All kinds of things were happening. My life was changing dramatically, and I was changing along with it.
On his part, he was quitting college and joining the Air Force. He said he'd try and get stationed closer to me. For two months we couldn't really talk since he was at Basic, but we'd write letters to each other. When he got out we'd talk a little more, but it was different. We were both different.
I've been stressing out about my life and feeling like I needed someone that was actually HERE for me. I was feeling unstable and needy.
He's been struggling with the military. He has a demanding schedule, so I understand that he needs some time to himself. Plus the whole military environment is getting to him. He's been closing in on himself, it felt like, and it was getting harder to keep up our relationship.
In the last few weeks, we were hardly talking. I felt like it was pointless to pretend we'd work out. So I told him it was over, and he started telling me that he believed we'd work out, that he loved me, that he didn't want anyone else. But I persisted. After the break, he texted me saying that he couldn't stand not being able to tell me anything, even if he hasn't said much lately. And then in a different one he said he loved me, missed me, and wanted me back so badly. Each time I got one of these kinds of messages, I'd get that hot liquid sensation and my resolve would crumble a little.
So I asked him to please try and not text. And he hasn't been. I think that is hurting me more than anything else. I just want to hear from him. D:
I don't know what to do about this. I'm scared to pursue it. He's closer than he's ever been and that makes me worry. What if, once we're together, we weren't what we expected? It's been a whole year of daydreams and expectations. That's a lot to live up to! I think I'm more scared of that, than anything. That he'll realize I'm not quite what he thought I was, and he'd leave me all in love on my own. ]:
My options are:
Growing a pair and waiting it out with him. As soon as he's done with military school he'll be stationed somewhere. He's already told me that he'd like for me to go live with him. He's even suggested us getting married a couple of times. He knows I don't believe in constitutional marriage or structured religion, making that idea a big NO for me. But with him being in the military, it'd be a way for him to (1) move me to wherever he is, all expenses paid, (2) live off base, and (3) get extra pay.
Or, if it really is silly to get so involved with someone I've never met, I can just keep my distance and get over it. Move on with my life. Find someone with my area code.
I don't know what to do with myself. D:
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 4:40 am
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 4:52 am
I can't tell if you're finished. D:
If it were me, I would maybe message him back and just tell him how I felt.
There's nothing wrong with wanting him back, and there's nothing wrong with being edgy about meeting him.
Make a pact -- a promise that if you aren't what you thought you were when you meet in person, that you can still talk and be close. That way you don't have to stop talking to him and then you can slowly but surely move on, if need be.
If it works out, then it works out. Need I say more?
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 5:01 am
@Deadly_Nightfall_: That does make sense. The pact thing is a good idea, I hadn't thought of that...
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 5:05 am
Call me Deadly. And you're welcome.
I've never actually you know, used it, but only because I'm not really involved with boys like I was. So I see no problems for me any longer. P:
I hope it works out for you, though, he sounds like someone who is very good for you.
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 5:50 am
I know how you feel, but in a different way.
The short version is that I'm currently talking to a really great friend that I met online. He'll be three years older than me in a month. He lives in Alaska, I live in Ontario. Yatta yatta, but the point is, we've got complications too, and I'm going to tell you the advice I was given.
Some of this might seem odd, for me to tell you, mostly because I'm not even sixteen for another month.
I agree with Deadly. She's got a good point about it being easier to move on.
If he's suggesting something you disagree with, tell him 'no for the time being'. Then think about it seriously. What do you not agree with about it? Is there anyway that you could get around this?
Personally, if it hurts not to talk to him, call him, or send him an email.
Then talk to him about this, and decide what's right for you two.
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 10:30 am
A LD can drive someone mad. Those types of relationships take a lot of work and may work out. If it were me though, I'd seek out someone that was actually close to home. RL relationships are much more fun in my opinion.
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Posted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 11:00 am
@I am your Mord Sith You are so right, on both counts. I was acting all kinds of crazy at the end, being all dramatic and stuff. It's pretty embarrassing. x:
@RosesFallingLikeRain I DO want to talk to him, but I DON'T want to keep being all Yes-and-then-No with him. I know what that's like, and he really doesn't deserve that. I've been thinking really hard though. I've had a constant headache all week. /:
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 7:18 am
You know sometimes people start with a LDR and ending up married + living together.. so ye it cud work. it just takes allot of effort from both sides. but to be really honest, i don't think it could work cause people can be really diffrent in real life then they are to u virtual.. besides it's easy for them to lie. So unless u have allot of contact with phoning eachother, webcam and stuff it cud work. but still i think like u said u miss the phisycal body hugging/cuddling stuffies which are extra and well.. important in ur relationship right? i don't really know but if u really like eachother, you cud always try right?
Good Luck!
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Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 12:44 am
Maybe you two could agree to be friends, but free to pursue other relationships. Then you wouldnt miss him, but it would take some of the pressure off just knowing that you can look for a relationship with physical contact. Then maybe if you're able to meet later in life you could try out being a couple.
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