Pawz' Ramblings <you can post if you want>

[WoodSorrelWitch]

11-12-09

Yesterday night I got politely bitched at by a veterinarian that I really don't like. I think she has horrible people skills but I also think she's a really good vet. I have three cats, two dogs and two rats that I take care of. The family helps out too but I would like to think that I take the most care of them....I help pay for the vet bills too.
I just got finished paying for an eight hundred dollar dental for our dustmop of a dog (she's such a sweetheart) because her teeth where crap.

Then I take my own cat in because she's chewing on herself. Honestly, she's been doing that for a few years now and it's never been bad. Only recently has it been really bad and more frequently. So I took her in.
I wanted one of the other doctors to look at her, but the bitchy one looked at her instead. I hate it when certain doctors look at my animals. They have this aura that I'm a horrible owner because my cats are outside cats and get abscesses from fighting with the evil neighbor cat (he's minx and siamese....). There are only a few vets who I love taking my animals to see.

So Mean Vet Lady looked at my cat. I had no idea that her a**l glands were about to rupture because they were so full. I'm never home; I'm at school, work, or de-stressing at the martial art studio. I've never seen her lick and I've never seen her give me any indication that something was wrong back there.

Then she looks in her mouth. She has a crap load of cavities and excess gum tissue. Once again, I had no idea. She's maintaining her weight and she eats just fine. It doesn't seem like she is in pain when she chews.

Then she looks in her chart and sees that the chewing issue has been going on since april of last year. She says, "Rachel, come on. You work at a vet clinic." And gives me the awful look like she normally does. I know she doesn't like me. She hasn't liked me since the first day I started working there.

So I get home and talk with my parents about what Mean Vet said.
Them: "I am not paying $1000 for a dental. We can't do it."
Me: "I never asked you to pay for it or to help pay for it." (I never asked them to pay for the dog's dental either but mom has been paying me a little each month for it)
Them: "And we don't want you to pay for it either."
(I am 22 and I do have the money to pay for it. I would rather put it towards something else, but it's my cat, my baby and I am able to do it - and I'm going to too)
Me: "So we just let her mouth suffer?"
Them: *shrug* "I don't know what else to do."
Me: "If we are going to pick and choose what we do for our animal's needs then we shouldn't have animals."
Then I walked off and mom was in a shitty mood for the rest of the night.






Then tonight. For the hundredth time, I had to listen to dad, "When i got home today the dog's water bowl was bone dry."

I am almost 100% responsible for the dogs - my sister takes care of the cats for the most part (thank God).
Nikki is on incontinence meds and I feed them every morning. I am already out there! I clean and fill the water bowl too! Duh! And it's big enough to last them the day!!! I know my dad exaggerates stuff like that.

So he thinks that because he sees it like that, that I don't do s**t.
And he said that he has to put food in their bowls and doesn't believe me that they eat their food!!! No ******** wonder Jingles isn't loosing weight (she's a little pudgy) - he's feeding her!

And my dad is the kind of person where he's right. all the time. and if you disagree with him, you are wrong. And he never apologizes.
So tonight I am wrong and I am the b***h. He told my mom that I was a b***h tonight.


Tonight would have been a good night to have a drink......but I'm not big on alcohol and I know my parents drink a bit too much (they don't get drunk or even buzzed but they are always drinking....). Because of that I don't want to get in the habit of turning to a drink whenever I'm angry and or upset.

So, that's my rambles for today......I just kind of needed to get that out....  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

11-16-09

So I'm in another depression funk. I feel like crying but I can't seem to be able to. I feel like I have no place. I hate the Earth and I hate humanity. I am so exhausted no matter how much sleep I get. Maybe I'm trying too hard to find something to be happy about even though I've found plenty of things. Right now, I feel like I'm not worth anything and that I'm a waste of space. I feel like dying but I am unable to. I feel so trapped and I can't figure out why I feel like that. Nothing bad happened today and yet I feel crushed by the weight of....something. I just don't know what. I'm going back and forth from feeling indifferent to angry to depressed. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Can someone make it stop?

 

[WoodSorrelWitch]

11-17-09

It just really pisses me off when I ask one simple question, "Do you know Jesus?" During the entire conversation I have not mentioned one thing about religion until that question.

And from that question, the person jumps down my throat about how:
he hates it when people try to convert him
he hates it when people try to convert others so they can get into heaven
he knows Jesus can't help him when he 'believed' in that 'stuff' before and it didn't help

And then he bitched at me when I told him that 'from the sounds of one of your posts, you have been misinformed about Christianity'. He told me that 'you are not as right as you think you are.'


So here's my thing.
I don't ******** convert people. I asked him about religion because I thought it might help him (we were talking about depression) because it helped me. I was suggesting something, not converting.
And I told him he had the wrong idea about Christianity because if his knowledge was based on what was in his post, then he was sorely misinformed. I know people don't like being told they're wrong. I am one of those people. But if you are wrong then you are wrong.
I wasn't asking him to believe what I believe; he just had his facts wrong.
And you don't go to heaven by converting people by the way rolleyes

People think Christians are obnoxious, hypocritical bible thumpers.

Fake money exists. That doesn't mean that real money doesn't exist.

It just irks me to no end how people judge me and b***h at me at my mention of Jesus. I don't shove what I believe down the throats of others. If they are up for a conversation about it, that's different than trying to convert them.
 

[WoodSorrelWitch]

11-18-09

Today was pretty awesome. I wonder if I should start keeping a log of my ups and downs.......because I am sensing a pattern here....
Usually nothing bad happens for me to sink into depression.....and nothing good happens for me to feel happy and energetic....it just sort of happens.
I think it'd be interesting to log it and find out.  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

I think after all of these years, my mom is becoming an alcoholic. And after tonight at work......and coming home to that......and after having the worst anxiety attack I've ever had last night......

.........


I don't know what to do.....I remember loving my parents.....but now.....I think I hate them......all I know is that I can't really stand to be near them anymore.....and they really don't know anything about me and I don't know anything about them. There is no meaningful relationship between us anymore.......and my mind can't decide if it wants to break down totally, cry, or just be angry......

I think I should just cry.....  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

Everything is meaningless. Why bother with anything? Nothing matters. Why should it? Who determines what matters and what doesn't matter? Pointless, everything is pointless. Time is relative. All meaningless.  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

Christmas day.
It was wonderful - getting together with the family that I hardly get to see anymore.
I still have more family to see later in the week.


For Christmas, everyone on my mom's side goes to her mom's house for Christmas. My cousin Tami and I reminisced a bit, how we remembered when the tree was real and when the floor was absolutely covered with presents.
My grandparents aren't doing too well; they are getting much much older and, sadly.......they are dying......
My two aunts weren't able to give gifts this year and my grandparents can't get out anymore.
My family brought our gifts though, expecting nothing in return.
The reason I stress out over Christmas shopping so badly is that I know not everyone in my family can afford things. So I try to make my gifts fun and practical. I'd say I did a good job this year ^^

I don't care about getting anything in return, I care about being able to see my family. We don't get to see or talk to each other much....I don't really know why that is.....and I'm sad about that....
I'm just so happy that everyone could make it and that we had another Christmas together.

I know one of my cousins has been a big time mooch lately.....I'm not very happy with him at all. I felt like he just sort of came, got what he could and then left. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's the vibe that I got.....



I hate how shopping often overshadows the more important side of the holidays. Family togetherness. Love. That sort of thing.

Why can't we appreciate who and what we have everyday instead of just for the holidays?  

[0ptimistic Pessimism]

somehow i think i should post, even if it means breaking your little flow you have here... these entries are pretty good. you're a good writer, i mean. you're good at expressing your feelings and all that stuff. (yeah, i know i sound cheesy, couldn't put it any other way.)

i like your rambling. : )

i'd post more, but i'm tired. haha.  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

~Thank you very much. I don't think it sounded cheesy; I actually write much better than I speak, heh.~


January 1, 2010
My body is broken and my mind is exhausted but I keep searching for something. Meaning. A reason. A point. A purpose. I don't know where to find it or even how. But I long to find it, someday. Everything I once loved doing seems pointless. This world has nothing to offer me but why does it entice me? I want people to know who I am but fame means nothing to me. I want to be loved but is that possible when I have trouble loving myself? And what of the things I believe in? What does that mean if one person says I am wrong and another says I am right? Do I abandon my own beliefs or do I cling to them? Are they meaningless too? Isn't there anything in this pitiful, wretched pit of existence that holds any meaning? What is my purpose? Do I mean anything to anyone?  

[0ptimistic Pessimism]

PawzPrint

~Thank you very much. I don't think it sounded cheesy; I actually write much better than I speak, heh.~

ahaha same here... i might write with big words and all that but i talk like any other stressed teenage girl out there... lol.

nice New Year's entry, btw : )  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

~Thank you - what I post here tends to be with what I'm struggling with mentally. I post it here so that way it doesn't drive me crazy.~  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

1-13-2010


I put in my two week notice today at work. I'm sad because I'm going to miss a few people. We've really bonded. And everyone in this little group wants to quit with a big "******** You!"; I'm the first one to quit. My last day is the 30th.

While I'm sad, I am so happy and relieved. It's miserable there. Ever since we got bought by a big corporation. It's been absolutely miserable. The office manager doesn't mange anything and morale is so low with the rest of the staff that I just want to strangle someone.

I think that a lot of stress is going to be lifted from me. Praise God for that!

Work, it's been fun. I have just one thing to say to those bitches that I can't stand to be around:

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you ******** you I quit.  

[0ptimistic Pessimism]

ahahaaa, loved that last line.

gonna be comin' back for more...  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

haha, thanks ^^  

[WoodSorrelWitch]

2-18-10

It's been awhile. Oi, let's see.

I got back together with my ex. It's going well. My family doesn't know. It will be awhile before I tell them. They wonder why I don't like to talk to them about him when they've given death threats to him to my face.
Anyway, he's in the process of switching units which means that he might get called to Afghanistan in October. Man...


It's been wonderful since I've quit my job. I miss the animals horribly and there are some people that I miss. Overall, that place can just sink farther and farther down to hell for all I care. This was my first brush with a corporation and it was not good. VCA can implode on itself and I wouldn't be surprised. I'd laugh.


It has been awhile since I've had a full semester. And it has also been awhile since I've had good professors. None of my professors suck this semester. I am shocked.
It's kind of rough at the moment; midterms are approaching and I am not looking forward to them. Not at all.


My sister had knee surgery - torn meniscus. That went well and she just got off of her crutches a few days ago. I'm glad she's doing well.


Martial arts is going well; they've asked me if I'd like to become an instructor now that I'm not working. So I'm working on that. Screaming little kids who have the attention span of gnats are so much fun to teach self defense to. Naw, most of them are good. There are only a couple of them who have short attention spans.


And right now I'm just horribly depressed. I don't know why. My only guess is the stress of fast approaching midterms is the cause. I guess I'm just going to hang in there and be miserable until they pass. I don't know.

I think I might drag my kicking bag out of the garage and just kick the s**t out of it.