Bin-chan's Blog

[JessGee13]

Hi everyone! I know my sn is The Phantoms Alchemist, but I'd much prefer if you called me Bin.

First, some things about myself. I am female, 18 years old, blood type A positive, American, liberal, very social, and have lots of mental issues! I feel like it's only fair that I warn people about how insane I am when I introduce myself.

This blog is primarily going to be used to just get things off my mind that I either haven't been able to talk to my friends about or can't tell them about. Very few of my friends are actually on Gaia, so this is kind of perfect.

What's been on my mind recently is I had this dream last night (>.< yes, I know, that's incredibly recent, but what ever) that had a couple elements in it that really made me think. One of them was whenever I tried to go up something like a hill or stairs, I would always have a tough time and stumble or fall down. So I have absolutely no idea what that means, but I'm pretty sure my subconscious is trying to tell me something because it happened A LOT. The second thing is my very controlling; mentally, verbally, emotionally, and possibly sexually (I'm actually not clear on that one. There's a reason, but the rules say no sex stuff so I'm not gonna get into it) was in it a lot. Either with his new girlfriend or not. Not in the foreground though. He was always in the background, not part of the group of persons I was interacting with, but still there. o.O So was FrankNFurter from Rocky Horror, but I've been doing the Time Warp and singing the music a lot lately, so I can understand that. It just frustrates me to no end that that jerk off is still showing up in my dreams. I don't even talk to him or see him at all anymore! What the hell????

-.- If anyone can explain this, please, feel free to either post or pm me or something.

Thanks for listening... er... o.O reading!

 

[JessGee13]

November 17, 2009 at 3:30-ish in the morning.

Well, I just had my first... o.O I'm not sure if it was a panic attack or a mini mental breakdown... Let's go with somewhere in between for the first time in quite a while. Lasted for about a half an hour, during which I sent a very long facebook message to my friend Mike. The worst part is, it was completely random and not related to the topic I originally started with and that was asking him about the Maroon 5 concert. So, yeah... I feel like a whiny little emo kid now.

>.> Just so everyone knows, I'm not on purpose. I don't, like, cut myself or think that life sucks and that I should just end it now. o.O at least, not anymore. I actually do have severe depression problems and am currently medically psychotic. I'm on prozac for my depression (-.- which is failing me right now and has been for a few weeks. I see my therapist and my shrink next Monday, though), but I'm not on anything for my psychosis right now because it's at the point where I can handle it. I recognize what's real and what isn't real. I don't hear voices anymore, and I only occasionally see little dots and bright colored orbs floating around, usually when I'm sleep deprived. So now that everyone has a pretty good idea of just how insane I actually am... sweatdrop

And what sucks right now is I'm still sick (no voice. sore throat. coughing a lot.) and I can't get to sleep. So I'm doing stuff online until I can hopefully get tired enough to fall asleep. -.- stupid circadian rhythm, being all off from the rest of the world and stuff.

Okay, I'm done moaning and groaning now, I promise. Carry on.

 

[JessGee13]

November 30, 2009 at about 5:30 in the morning.

Well, I've pretty much been depressed since I woke up at about 6:30 last evening (-.- I hate my sleep schedule. More on that later.) and I haven't quite shaken it yet. Why? Dunno. I've been taking my prozac. Probably just because it's winter now. Damn you SAD!!!!! stressed And I just had a little mini breakdown when I tried to go to sleep, so I'm looking for ways to distract myself enough so I'll get tired and fall asleep without any mental lapses. So if I skip around a lot, I apologize.

*looks around* not like anyone's actually reading these blogs. *is sad now* crying

I think part of the reason why I can't sleep is due to the fact that my ex is just constantly in my dreams. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read the first post. I hate that he's there, and I'm tired of seeing him. I just want an escape, but I can't even find one while sleeping. And what I absolutely can't stand right now is that, for some incredibly strange reason that I fail to understand, friggin TWILIGHT has been creeping into my dreams!!!!! -.- I hate Twilight. Absolutely despise it. Then why the hell am I dreaming that my group of friends has invited a freshman couple into our group, and the girl's name just happens to be Bella and the boy's name just happens to be Edward, and he just happens to be really pale and really touchy about her and GGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why the hell is my subconscious thinking about Twilight?!?!?!?! I mean, I pointed this out to my mom in the damned dream and she rolled her eyes and said Oh God. So if my subconscious knows it's ridiculous, why the hell is it thinking about it? >.> I blame all the Twifags who just constantly bombard us (the non-twifags) with "Team Edward!" and "Team Jacob!" and "Oh! Edward's SSSSSSOOOO super sexy! I would LOVE to have him as a bf!!!!". You know what. I. DON'T. CARE!!!!!!!!!!! You don't see me forcing OHSHC down your throat and how much I absolutely adore Tamaki Suou, even WITH his faults. I don't make a crappy movie about the Vocaloids or tell you how much I wanna just go at it with Len Kagamine. I don't even get SUPER defensive about my fandoms like ALL THE TWIFAGS I KNOW DO WHEN YOU ASK THEM WHY THEY LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! scream fjdilsanfido;sanveijowbnvaevjod;viods;nviodpsnviopcdsnvipodabnjoci;bvnjolcb nzifcnbjxklNVdi;lsznckx;v <-----------those were all swear words I decided not to type so I wouldn't get banned.

-.- I'm not going to go off on it anymore. I'll just save it for another time or something.

I can't wait until I start my light therapy. I just need the light to get here now. My psychiatrist prescribed that I try light therapy for my depression and sleeping disorder. I really hope it works. -.- Because if it doesn't then we're upping my prozac and I'm gonna have to keep taking trazodone pills, even though I'm not an insomniac. Some of you may be wondering how that is when I've obviously been up all night. Simple. My circadian rhythm is just set differently. It has been for years now. I find that if I go to sleep at around 7 or 9 in the morning, I usually sleep for a good, normal 5 to 8 hours. If I fall asleep too soon or too late, however, I can sleep for 12+ hours at a time and it's like I'm in a coma. There is almost no getting me up. I even have conversations and do god knows what else in my sleep. o.O Apparently I also used to talk in tongues, but I think that's stopped now. And I'm so glad that I got my inhaler.

Basically, I was asthmatic when I was a baby, but it hasn't really acted up or anything since I was about two. Well, the cold's really setting it off this year for some reason, so my doctor prescribed me an inhaler. Now, I don't like inhalers at all. I took a hit off of one of my mom's once so I could breathe properly one morning and it was horrible. It tasted like caulk and I was so jittery afterwards, I couldn't stop shaking for at least 20 minutes afterwards. But I'm glad that I got an inhaler because now I get to play in the snow again! =D And there's actually going to be snow this year! I stopped playing for extended periods of time in the cold because, well, if I was out there and doing too much activity, it would get extremely difficult for me to breathe. Well no more! Now I have a defense strategy! And if it doesn't work, then I'm going to be very sad because as much as I hate the cold, I love the snow. Weird, I know, but the heart wants what the heart wants. >.< and I want snow, dammit!

Well, I think that'll be it for now. My mood has increased by a lot. Like, the highest it was today (on a scale of 1 to 10; 1 being "I want to kill myself, but I'm too apathetic to put the effort into it" and 10 being "Everything's just so perky and happy and beautiful and bright! 4laugh Lalalalalalalala! *frolics in a field of flowers while deer and birds and bunnies prance around*") was a 4. now, it's more like a 5.8 or a six. Not the best, but a hell of a lot better than I was when I started typing this. So, thanks for helping me feel better and peace out.

P.S.
Hippies make amazing pizza. 3nodding