Why are people afraid of comittment?

[Dark-Blue Zeus]

I'm not gonna name anyone in particular, but recently I've come across some of the female persuasion who may have been a tad older than me who seemed like they were interested and wanted to see where it went. but when things seemed to go in the right direction they backed out using baggage from ages ago to break it up. Im not limiting this to females since I know a lot of males do it too. but the question I have is why? maybe because I'm highly mature for my age and they want someone who is more childish? post your opinions please. help me understand. for someone to take your heart and string it along is an awful thing.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

I recall a woman posing a similar question several months ago, but was more so inquiring about men rather than women since her problem was with a man.

There are actually several reasons a person can have for not wanting a committed relationship that have nothing to do with how "mature" they are, such as feelings of insecurity, fear of abandonment, financial problems, emotional issues, discouragement from family/friends/peers.... the list goes on I'm sure {I just can't think of more right now}. These things can happen at any age and regardless of a person's "maturity".

For your situation, it cannot be assumed that just because she ended your relationship that she is afraid of commitment in general or that she is being childish. Granted I do not know the circumstances of the break-up and it could very well have been that she was lacking the maturity for such a relationship, but it could also be that you are speaking from heartache rather than logic at this point and not considering the possibility that she had legitimate reason to end it.

I managed to dig through and find the other thread... and though most of the responses are about her situation specifically, perhaps you may find some of the things said helpful. Link

If you do not wish to read the whole thing, here are a few excerpts:

ThisEmptySoul

There are a few factors that alone don't seem like much, but they can add up in a person's mind and make it hard for them to commit. Some of these are: uncertainty that things will work out in the long run and knowing that separating after the commitment has been made will be a lot harder {especially in marriage}, worry that they are just settling for a "less than perfect" companion {or "the one" might still be out there}, discouragement from friends, family and/or other mediums {such as how sitcoms sometimes display married couples as being miserable}, assumptions and false ideas of what marriage/commitment is like, the realization that one will no longer be "available" and all the things that entails {such as not being able to playfully flirt with or "check out" other people}, feeling a need to be "more experienced" before settling down, belief that either they or their partner {or both} are not mentally mature or responsible enough for that step just yet, and financial concerns. This obviously is not all of them, but they are the ones that I could think of off the top of my head that I have encountered.

lunaci

There could have been a number of reasons he wanted to break-up with you. He may have had a fear of having a committed relationship or he may have came to a realization that he does not want to be committed. It may even be that he wanted to be in a committed relationship but not necessarily with you (sorry if that sounds offensive).

Patron with a Mission

And guys just are fearful, I'm guessing, of committing. My boyfriend is actually my ex, and we reconciled. I asked why he had left, and he cited inability to focus as well as other personal issues. He said, that at the time, he didn't feel ready, and that maybe someone better was out there for me.

 

[Dark-Blue Zeus]

well Tes while I appreciate your opinion, I've reached my end of the rope as it has happened at least 6 times in sucession over the course of a year and some odd months. I'm at the point I'm not finding logic behind these actions. I know its easy to complain when it is heartache but i'm not one of those people. I can get over it really fast. I just want to know what everyone else thinks?  

[ThisEmptySoul]

6 times in succession? Does that mean the same person has tried to end it that many times over that period or that it was 6 different people in that time frame?  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Women of older age or women in general? Where I am not really of an older age, I'm only 23. I have been through quite a good amount of heartbreaking relationships for my age. And so I can say for me..now I have been told by many who know what I've gone through "i'll be here..I know its hard for you to trust but I care enough to see through it" and then in the end say well you know your baggage and your pain has become too much for me...

actually...I have a poem an ex wrote to me that... explains just that

"I tried to secure your shattered heart and revive your weary spirit
But when I say I choose you, you won't even hear it
I'd scream it till my throat bleeds
Trying to satisfy your demanding needs
A drama-free relationship isn't what I want, its required
So your past baggage from your old ships was never desired
And I see the effort you put in to try and start anew
Yet with each new fight I can't blame the baggage, its only you"


I think women have just been hurt for so long that its no longer just men becoming distant and closed up in new relationships. I think women are becoming more guarded of their heart, and its becoming hard for a woman to let herself feel again.  

[Dark-Blue Zeus]

@ TES, different people

@princess

that was...wow. Im speechless. now It feels like i made this thread for nothing if the answer was really that.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

Dark-Blue Zeus

@ TES, different people

@princess

that was...wow. Im speechless. now It feels like i made this thread for nothing if the answer was really that.

what do you mean?  

[ThisEmptySoul]

Well, if it was all different people, then it seems you were with each of them for a relatively short time frame. What this means is that it is very likely {though not necessarily true} that none of these really reached a point in which commitment was even considered a possibility.

While there are those that date with the intention of committing right from the start, there are others that just want to date as a way of getting better acquainted with someone and then later deciding whether or not they really want to take the next step and stay committed. The problem may be that you are a person that is expectant of the relationship to move to that next level while the girls you are dating are ones that wish to "test the waters" first before committing. As Slumbering Princess pointed out, women {and men too, by the way} can become guarded in matters of the heart and feel a need to avoid committing until they are sure the person they are with is reliable or is able to handle what kind of things being in such a relationship with them will bring.

There is nothing wrong with either wishing to commit from the start or waiting, at least in my opinion. However, if you each have different expectations on where the relationship is headed right from the start, chances are things will quickly fall apart  

[Siumbering Princess22]

i really wish emptysoul would use a different font color, because i enjoy reading things he says but i hate attempting to read it.

On one thing he said..I dont think i have ever been a casual dating type. I'm very big on long term. I've never thought "hey this guy is good for the moment". So If I decide I want to be with someone, and be completely faithful..then I'm hoping right off the bat it turns into something deep and very serious. I have never been one to just date guys for the fun of it.

So that actually may be another reason. Maybe women feel as if you couldn't handle their baggage, and because of that they back away because they are looking for something serious and maybe they dont trust you can handle exactly what they're looking for.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

Slumbering Princess

i really wish emptysoul would use a different font color, because i enjoy reading things he says but i hate attempting to read it.

Unfortunately, I'm actually pretty stubborn. I've been using this color since I joined in '04 and on other sites before that. I pretty much only use other colors for roleplay, and even then they are rather light. It kind of suits the username.  

[Siumbering Princess22]

ThisEmptySoul

Slumbering Princess

i really wish emptysoul would use a different font color, because i enjoy reading things he says but i hate attempting to read it.

Unfortunately, I'm actually pretty stubborn. I've been using this color since I joined in '04 and on other sites before that. I pretty much only use other colors for roleplay, and even then they are rather light. It kind of suits the username.

lol well stop!!! be a full vibrant soul!!!! jkjk its cool I just highlight everything you say  

[Keisaku Hakurei]

Slumbering Princess

ThisEmptySoul

Slumbering Princess

i really wish emptysoul would use a different font color, because i enjoy reading things he says but i hate attempting to read it.

Unfortunately, I'm actually pretty stubborn. I've been using this color since I joined in '04 and on other sites before that. I pretty much only use other colors for roleplay, and even then they are rather light. It kind of suits the username.

lol well stop!!! be a full vibrant soul!!!! jkjk its cool I just highlight everything you say

I think I'll call my next account "ThisVibrantSoul" and make my avatar look just like TES's. XD  

[Areashine]

I've had a friend tell me that it's really not fair to other people to put your baggage in front of your relationship. I'm not the type of person to let a little baggage ruin a budding relationship. Granted, I take my relationships very seriously. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. I'm no stranger to commitment. I can't say I understand those who don't.  

[ThisEmptySoul]

Being in a committed relationship doesn't automatically make it to where you can't figure out why people don't like commitment. I've been married for 2 years and have been with the same person for a total of almost 6 years now, still perfectly content with the relationship.

All it takes is to think outside of yourself to better understand the thoughts and feelings of other people, or even just go off of past experience rather than current.  

[Areashine]

You're right Tes. I'm usually very good at walking in someone else's shoes, but this is a topic that is very foreign to me. *shrugs*