Why are people afraid of comittment?

[VodkaLeona]

I'm in that situation a little right now with a guy. I want to have an adult, serious realtionship with a guy that is morally sound enough not to cheat on me. I unfortunatly have bagage that isn't from a distant past, it's still ongoing and I told the guy I'm occasionally dating about it and told him I want a serious relationship but I am not ready for one. He said ok but keeps reminding me when he's talking to me that he wants to see where it goes. I really don;t think it's going to go anywhere because I also want a guy that I can feel butterflies for and be attrackted to as more than just friends and 3 freaking dates is not going to tell me if he is the one I want to be with and I don't have time fore more. Should I just let him go? Tell, him I'm just not feeling it?
I don't lead him on. I told him what I want in the future and flat out told him I'm not ready to have it right now. I want to tell him I also don't want to choose the first nice guy I meet right after this drama I've been through, that I'm still trying to clean up.  

[HardQuor]

VodkaLeona

I'm in that situation a little right now with a guy. I want to have an adult, serious realtionship with a guy that is morally sound enough not to cheat on me. I unfortunatly have bagage that isn't from a distant past, it's still ongoing and I told the guy I'm occasionally dating about it and told him I want a serious relationship but I am not ready for one. He said ok but keeps reminding me when he's talking to me that he wants to see where it goes. I really don;t think it's going to go anywhere because I also want a guy that I can feel butterflies for and be attrackted to as more than just friends and 3 freaking dates is not going to tell me if he is the one I want to be with and I don't have time fore more. Should I just let him go? Tell, him I'm just not feeling it?
I don't lead him on. I told him what I want in the future and flat out told him I'm not ready to have it right now. I want to tell him I also don't want to choose the first nice guy I meet right after this drama I've been through, that I'm still trying to clean up.

Wait, lemme get this straight. You're dating a guy. You told him you want a serious relationship, but not right now. He's still dating you. He wants to take things more seriously. You don't, you have feelings for another guy. How exactly is that not leading him on?

Different people obviously go by different barometers, so I could understand if you just want to wait it out a few more dates, but be honest with yourself. If you've got "butterflies" with some other guy, you're toying with your partner's emotions.

Definitely not cool.  

[VodkaLeona]

HardQuor

VodkaLeona

I'm in that situation a little right now with a guy. I want to have an adult, serious realtionship with a guy that is morally sound enough not to cheat on me. I unfortunatly have bagage that isn't from a distant past, it's still ongoing and I told the guy I'm occasionally dating about it and told him I want a serious relationship but I am not ready for one. He said ok but keeps reminding me when he's talking to me that he wants to see where it goes. I really don;t think it's going to go anywhere because I also want a guy that I can feel butterflies for and be attrackted to as more than just friends and 3 freaking dates is not going to tell me if he is the one I want to be with and I don't have time fore more. Should I just let him go? Tell, him I'm just not feeling it?
I don't lead him on. I told him what I want in the future and flat out told him I'm not ready to have it right now. I want to tell him I also don't want to choose the first nice guy I meet right after this drama I've been through, that I'm still trying to clean up.

Wait, lemme get this straight. You're dating a guy. You told him you want a serious relationship, but not right now. He's still dating you. He wants to take things more seriously. You don't, you have feelings for another guy. How exactly is that not leading him on?

Different people obviously go by different barometers, so I could understand if you just want to wait it out a few more dates, but be honest with yourself. If you've got "butterflies" with some other guy, you're toying with your partner's emotions.

Definitely not cool.

There is not another guy. I don't do that. I've been cheated on enough to not do that to anyone myself.
What I was saying was that this guy I have dated a few times and I talk to a lot, I like him, but I don't have the butterflies. He scares me a little because he is ready to move faster than I am. I told him this and he says he will slow down because He does want to be with me. THERE IS NO WAY IM LEADING THIS GUY ON. I'm truthful and upfront and I am not dating anyone else, just him. He knows this and that is why he is staying. I just wonder if the butterflies don't come at first if they may come after giving this guy more time.  

[VodkaLeona]

Also, some of the baggage is my x and the father of my child and the stress and crap that goes along with having to spend any of my precious time dealing with his antics and cleaning up the messes he left behind him. He is also trying to constantly stay in my life and my business and tries to keep me from being able to date and move on and be happy. The guy I'm dating also knows this is the reason I'm not moving on more quickly. I'm still recomposing my baggage into the right compartments and was not ready to date when I met him. I gave him a chance and went out on an early date anyway.  

[Thornebee]

I have to be honest - I'm kinda put off by how many times you say this has happened in the past year or so. How do you define commitment? At what point in a relationship do you expect it?  

[icywind1980]

Regarding commitment in general, it's not really the way people are designed. As mammals we're wired to want to mate with as many people as possible, and be committed in a sense of community with help from one another as a family unit but not in a sense of monogamy.  

[HardQuor]

icywind1980

Regarding commitment in general, it's not really the way people are designed. As mammals we're wired to want to mate with as many people as possible, and be committed in a sense of community with help from one another as a family unit but not in a sense of monogamy.

I somewhat disagree. I dunno if it may sound sexist, but I've always believed that genetically speaking, men are programmed to inseminate as many mates as possible to insure greater numbers in his genetic line. Whereas women are programmed to find the best possible mate and keep him to themselves, to insure the most offspring by the healthiest mate.

Not that I condone polygamy. I would love nothing more than to find a nice girl, settle down with her and start a family.  

[Damonette]

Dark-Blue Zeus

I'm not gonna name anyone in particular, but recently I've come across some of the female persuasion who may have been a tad older than me who seemed like they were interested and wanted to see where it went. but when things seemed to go in the right direction they backed out using baggage from ages ago to break it up. Im not limiting this to females since I know a lot of males do it too. but the question I have is why? maybe because I'm highly mature for my age and they want someone who is more childish? post your opinions please. help me understand. for someone to take your heart and string it along is an awful thing.

Fear of commitment is not male or female, we all get it sometimes. I m very open with people and i dont judge them by what others before them did. I know relationships fail if u cant trust someone without invading their privacy, so i usually leave plenty of breathing space. I feel happyer with someone if they leave me some privacy, because no matter how in love you are , you still need to be by youreself at times. surprised