My Dearest Rin,

[dreamlikediana]

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Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers which cannot be given you...

I just need to rant, just for once. Let me.

My Dearest Rin,

I exposed my heart and soul to you, a week ago. I felt better about it, because you, the only person I can trust, the only person who won't take me for granted or degrade me, you are someone who means so much to me.

Through the little fights we have, I'm glad we get through it all, and become stronger in both bond and soul. You are not just my best friend, you are my sister, the only family i can really count on. And when I go out there in this big world, I will have to be alone through it all but I will remember that you are waiting for me. You will be my home.

My real sisters, they don't get me. They get jealous of my dreams towards greatness. They degrade me and my dreams, what has been happening is nothing to them. They just want me to become worse off than them because they ruined their dreams already, and they can't go back. I'm glad i have you hear to tell me not to let them get to me. I'm glad, because once i was near tears now I am breathing and letting this passion flow. The strength in which that strengthens me. The friendship of a few that tell me I'm an inspirational person. This is the kind of support I need.

"Because Dee, your a star." I understand now after years of thoughts, surrounding myself in this zero degree space that everything happen for a reason. Like today in the bathroom stall, where it was written on the walls:

"Be not afraid of those who stand in your path towards greatness but of those who jump out on the road to let you pass." Now when I think about it, the ones in my path towards greatness is this so-called family and their disappointment. If they won't be happy for my happiness, then they really aren't my family.

As long as I have you, I'll be fine. As long as I know how to get by, I'll be fine. As long as I know how to smile, I'll be fine. As long as I can hear, sing, and talk I'll be fine. As long as I have free will and the ability to think, I WILL BE FINE. This world maybe big, but their are select few people who take on the challenge to defeat those in the path and achieve greatness. I want to be one of the many. I want to do something with my life rather than live and breathe.

And today, a friend i haven't talked to in awhile said I'm inspirational. That I unblocked his writer's block. Well what do you know, I'm helpful to someone again. "Did you ever think about becoming a musician or a composer?" Ha, fate really is strong. Man. I'm hungry.

I'm feeling better about myself, now that two people helped me out of my slump.

...because you would not be able to live them. The point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.
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[dreamlikediana]

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And when i think of the future, what lies ahead, and when i don't see myself where i want...

My Dearest Rin,

It has only been a few hours since the "incident" and I'm not letting them get to me. But here's the thing...

I sometimes need some reassurance. I have a bit of insecurity in my heart, and any small thing will put me back on to my track my path towards greatness.

...sigh.... man all the keys are there, i just have to take them put them into the locks and turn them to open up a whole new world for myself. so why can't i?

kim used to beat the living pulp out of me if i didn't make the first move on a guy, they wouldn't do it ... so why can't i? now i'm not afraid to make the first move on a guy, but prefer not to.

why can't i beat myself to a living pulp to take action and the move to take the keys and put them into the locks at least? why can't i? why am i so weak? why is it that i sit here, and whenever i think about the future, and i don't see myself where i want to be why do i feel like crying?

disappoint. their happiness. my disappointment.

so i guess i am, kind of letting THEM get to me. why should i? seriously, why should i let those sorry excuse of sisters get to me? this worthless family, that doesn't support me? i have always been alone. my nephew sees my parents more than i do, i'm damn right jealous.

out of all my years i only saw my parents a few hours a day, i had to do everything myself because obviously my sisters having their own clique won't help me, support me, or anything.

sure i love them, but it's just not the same. and i feel like letting go of these tears, and letting them stream down my face. letting them crash into my lap like tiny shards of glass.

my heartbreaks when i feel disappointment and insecurity. i'm trying to become who i was called to be, because i have found that calling in life. but it's hard, it's so hard. and i know i love all the mixed feelings i feel and experience, i can't wait to reach where i want and don't mind working hard with a big smile on my face because that's going to be where i want to be.

and i have to travel more than a thousand miles to get where my love, soul, heart, mind and spirit are. 32 steps, 32 floors on an elevator looking down at the past. the 32nd floor will be my stop for hardwork in the couple floors i have already passed, and once i achieve that, i can escalate higher towards my happiness.

my right hand is randomly freezing, my left hand is bloody hot. yin and yang.

i feel better after writing, but i'll feel even better after some sleep. after some dreams.

i noticed that when i'm unsure insecure in life, my dreams ... i remember them what they are telling me. but when i'm positive and am going to move forward they cease. sigh.

you are everything and everyone in your dream. your dreams hold the secret meaning behind your life.

32 is not a random number, 32 is the number in a dream i had. i was in a loft like building riding an open view elevator and it stopped on the 32nd floor. it could go up higher and i had a long way down. could that be my future?

one litre of tears, how much do i have to shed to become happy?

...my heart drops down to my rib cage passed the locks and keys with it's wings chained up to the bars of my body.
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[dreamlikediana]

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My life is like a flower that hasn't bloomed yet...

My Dearest Rin,

It has been less than an hour since I last wrote, but between then and now I'm a changed person. Amazing what time can do.

From then to now I have been listening to Ai Otsuka's songs Renai Shashin (Photograph of Love), Planeterium, and Cherish. I had Cherish playing on repeat for what I'm about to tell you.

To cherish something is to care for it, hold it dear, close to your heart. It's not for anyone to know, but the person that holds dear. You are an exception as you are part of my soul and spirit. You are not my heart, because my heart is something else. In which I told you the first time I wrote you.

From then till now, I have cried. I knew I had to, I had bottled up feelings but I found a better reason to cry for then to let what my sisters said get to me.

It was for my future, and the key to change is admitting there is a problem. I'm going to have to work hard, because somehow the little things always reassure me. And usually, it's always either music or something I write, or quote I read. Funny how that all comes into play.

My eyes burn from the tears, my mascara probably ran down. I didn't wash it off yet, oops I forgot.

I just let so many future thoughts and possibilities ran through my mind. But most of all, the biggest of all what you already know. What I already know.

No matter how many tears I shed to get where I want, it's the after effect of it all that puts a smile on my face.

A fresh new breath, a fresh new day, a fresh new start.

I will promise you, that if I ever have kids you will be an aunt to my asian babies. I don't know if I'll be Catholic or have them be Catholic, because I pick and choose what I tend to believe in. But won't stop believing Angels are stars, and mine is Seraphiel.

Weird how the songs I'm listening to all fit together, my photograph of love is...., which is also my planetarium and a planetarium is a place where you can see stars even during the day time, and it is all something I very much cherish. I didn't even notice any of that till now.

It's getting late, whenever I see you I'll give this to you.

...from the start of this youth I want to treasure it with no regrets.
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[dreamlikediana]

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There is nothing wrong with taking short cuts...

My dearest Rin,

A few more hours passed and it's a winter wonderland outside. Snow is falling like it has no destination to end or stop anytime soon. I just received my fortune of the day:

You Are The Moon
You represent the unconscious side of life, what happens in dreams.
You are capable of great genius - but also of great madness.
Emotions tend to be primal for you, both your fears and your fantasies.
Your intuition is always right, listening to it is the difficult part.

Your fortune:

You are about to embark on a very important journey - and a very difficult one.
Some of your deepest dreams will be realized, as well as some of your deepest nightmares.
Follow your creativity and visions; stay away from your weaknesses.
You are taking a voyage to the center of yourself, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover.

It's funny how things work out by themselves. :3 My sister's fiance thinks I'm super cool because I want to go study abroad and listen to Asian music. He knew that I listen to different stuff than the normal, but didn't know what until he heard I was going to go abroad.

He has two tattoos on his arms, on the back of his left arm in chinese character symbols it's Hope and on his right with chinese character symbols it's Strength. Pretty amusing.

I'm still trying to figure out a design to get as a tattoo, i want a music note behind my ear. But I want it incorporated with a star and angel wings. Don't know how I'll do that. I'll get some inspiration soon enough.

I'll write more on this wonderful day later. My room is not zero degrees anymore, it's quite warm. I'll probably compose another song or two, which reminds me after I got done texting you yesterday my friend Ron randomly texted me and we had a freestyle song battle. In which we created our own lyrics to what the other said, it was epic. He wants to compose the melody, and get it recorded. Saying I'm really inspirational.

Haha, that's cute. Iight girl, I'm out for another couple hours. Love you. :3

...or taking the long way around in life to get where you want or supposed to be.
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[dreamlikediana]

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Open your mind to the skies...

My Dearest Rin,

Fate. It can't be put into words. It's just something that's been with us since the start of time and space. It is up to a person alone whether to believe it's there or not.

Like we still have free will, and the ability to make choices, and things change but sometimes you end up where you are supposed to be either way. Like when I first thought about writing and journalism, then art, and somehow ended back on to this path.

Each day I have been writing out a thought, a word, a phrase a day on an index card and making a collage out of them on my wall. I started the night before I turned 18. And i'm going to do it until I leave this place. Something else to remind me of where I came from.

People who get somewhere big in life, are the people that come from nothing at all. They strive to get there, so they are noticed by their hard work, their aura, how they act and who they are as a person. Look at Rihanna, she wasn't always that famous.

And yet, I still have hope. In the smallest amount of time, a month and a week or so I composed 15 songs. Still working on the melodies though. It's easier now since I know how to read and write notes. I'm teaching myself piano.

Life is full of wonderful events, that can be disastrous too. As much as it is a battle, it is still a gift.

Many times I thought "what if I died, what if I just killed myself?" But I can't really think about that or beyond it, probably because I have no intention on it. I'm not one to give up without a fight.

Ride or Die? No matter how tired I am, I am never tired to listen to music. It wakes me, and puts me to sleep. It is the air I breathe. The soud of life is an amazing thing, like the snow crunching underneath your boots on a cold blizzard day. With no one around, and snow flakes flurring about, erasing everything in it's path and the foot prints that were once there.

Fate. It can't be put into words.

...see where the future lies.

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★・・・・・

 

[dreamlikediana]

・・・・・★
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And when i think of the future, what lies ahead, and when i don't see myself where i want...

My Dearest Rin,

I can't hear much in my left ear but I can hear. It's getting better. Water drips out, probably from the shower I had two days ago, but I need another shower. What do I put a bag over my ear? Stupid idea, next thing..

My friend Leon is a music major, went to a music high school down in delaware, we were talking and helped me buy a suitable microphone under $100 no static so I can record my voice. Should be here in a couple days, my normal hearing should be fine by then. I sing, I send. I wait.

You Are The Wheel of Fortune
You represent the cycles of life, death, and rebirth.
You embrace change, the the ups and downs of life.
Fate is something you accept, even when you could possibly change things.
Big things tend to happen to you more than other people.

Your fortune:

Something huge is about to happen in your life, and you have little control over it.
You must accept your destiny, but luckily it is good fortune that has come your way.
Big things and big changes are about to come your way.
And while things will be intense for a while, they will be followed by a period of rest.

My voice doesn't fit anything rock like, only ballad. The songs I usually sing from day to day, write day to day. Which reminds me a bought a book to write in all my music in, instead of keeping it on this computer. I have no idea what else to say, when I have inspiration I will. Until then, I have to do my homework, get my hearing back, and to tell you the truth. As much as I like him, I don't want a relationship. I just need a prom date. Even if not him, I'll ask my friend Tom he said he'd go in the beginning of the year. Heyyyy.

<--------------<3I love guys and their pelvic thrusts.

<3Dee.

...my heart drops down to my rib cage passed the locks and keys with it's wings chained up to the bars of my body.
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