Contra's Ramblings [.posts are welcome.]

[iCupcakeSurprise]

[It seemed like a good idea to start doing at least a weekly vent on this. It might help me a lot since I'm always on Gaia, but never on my live-journal. Feel free to post with opinions, advice, or just to post. I really don't care. If you're going to read, I'm just warning you that things might get overly emotional, stupid, boring, or document me being a very bitchy person.

I just needed a place to vent. This is the story of my life, well, not so much a story. It's more of a mind map of my emotions through out my high school life. A search for my purpose and hopefully something good.

Have a wonderful day, and thanks for stopping by. <3]

 

[iCupcakeSurprise]

Entry Numero Uno
Goshes, I wish I could be a normal girl. Well, I guess this really depends on yours definition of a normal girl, but I'm talking about those ones that love to shop and talk about boys and make-up, and do fun stuff like that. When I was little I used to be like that. But now it's completely different.

I wish I was still like that. I don't really know what changed me. Well, I do, but I've only told a one person, and he was a stranger who i never saw face to face. But that was only part of the reason I changed. Mother had a lot to do with it. I miss when she was actually my mom. Now she's just a person living in this house. A stranger. A lazy couch potato who refuses to grow up and get a job to take care of her four kids. As much as I love my grandma, I don't like the reason we're living with her. I miss the old days.

I used to be sweet. I used to be innocent. I used to be confident in my looks and everything I did. sure I was shy, but I still liked me for who I was. But now I'm b***h. And I don't like it. And I hate being a violent person. It never happens often, but when it does, I have no control over my body until the damage is done.

I'm sorry John. You don't even know what I'm going to tell you tomorrow evening. You have no idea. I don't even know if you really like me. You could just be dating me to hopefully get in my pants. Just like everyone says. And when everyone says it, it's usually true. But it doesn't matter now. Because I don't like you like that. I might have at one point in time, but now, I really don't know what happened.

When we hang out, just me and you, or even when your little sis tags along, I always have so much fun. You guys really know how to make me feel special. But anywhere else, you just totally bore me. You don't like anything I like, and you're not as childish and immature as I am. I wish I could like you; you're super nice. And all girls need a nice guy. but I can't have one. I'll abuse you and walk all over you until all that's left of you is your skin, smoothed into the shape of a throw rug.

I don't want to hurt you. I don't like hurting people. Sometimes I want to die because of it. You know, cause if I died, all my problems would go away, right? But no, they wouldn't. They'd probably follow me into the next life.

I remember when I used to cut to get my mind off of things like this. But never with a knife; knifes are associated with death in my mind, so i always thought that if I used them I would die. i don't know the reason, but I always thought that. So I used a pencil. And I carved an X into my arm.

At first I was always so afraid of people seeing it, wondering what they'd think of me if they found out about my happy facade. But over the summer, I wore tank tops to escape the heat, and while I was still conscious of the scar, I wanted people to see it now. I wanted people to know that there was something wrong. But no one really noticed. Until that day.
At first, when my mom saw it, I was thinking that she'd get super pissy and worried. But no, I was sure as hell wrong about that. She stared at it, and then asked, "Did you do that yourself?" and I answered, "Yeah." I wanted her to freak out and get me help. But that's not what I got at all. that's when she replied, "Oh, that's cool."

Cool. Gee, thanks mom. Nice to know you think that my depression and my cutting is "cool." That sure helps a lot. it really hurt hearing you say that. that's like telling me you really could care less if I died or not. At least in my eyes.

And John honey, you played your purpose. You kept me alive my entire freshman year, and for that, I owe you everything in the world. But I don't want to give you something false, just in case you actually do like me. So I have to break it off. I can only like you when you're taken by someone else. I'm sorry; I hope I wasn't the cause of you breaking up with Meghan or Jennifer. I really hope. Good luck on your driving test. I hope you pass.

Just in case, I'm going to tell you after the test. that was you have at least something good in your day.

I told you your were wrong. I'm a really mean person. You just haven't seen it yet.

 

[iCupcakeSurprise]

Entry Numero Dos
I'm really not liking life. Well, I love it, but I'm not liking it. There's nothing to do but go on the internet and play DS and DDR. And I know I shouldn't have, but when I was at Shauna's on Thursday night, there was this paper on her dresser that she had covered with her purse, and while she was getting ready, I read it. Apparently she's been looking into this Grizzly Academy place that she wants to go to to start over.

Yeah, I can understand why she wants to, but really, why didn't she tell me about it? I mean, we're best friends. I thought she would be able to trust me with these kinds of things. It's kind of saddening the she wouldn't talk to me about something like this, and that she wants to leave everyone. I mean, she is the the only reason I hang out at the Pac-Man tree anyways.

I'd probably try to get back with John again if she left, and I'd hang out with completely different people. I love her and all, but because of this, now I feel a void growing between us, like I can't talk to her anymore. Even when i stayed over, I really didn't talk much to her at all.

Gosh, I'd love to get back with John. That be amazing. I told him the truth this time at least- I can't handle a relationship right now with how my life is going. I wonder if he even likes me or if Meghan's right and he only wants to sleep with me. Gosh I miss him.

I need a life. I wish I lived in town or had more friends living nearby. Then i could do more things and put my roller skates to use. And I could use some new clothes seriously bad. All my jeans are faded and close to ripping. My shirts are getting small holes or have hair dye on them.

I want to change myself. I want a make-over. I need to redo my entire being- my hair, my clothing style, my personality, my habits, my everything. I wanna be me. I want to do things that I like to do. I want friends who actually support me instead of bag on the decisions I make.

I just want to leave and start over. Haha, I think I get Shauna now. I might talk to her about this Monday. If she's there, that is. If not, I'll just hang out with JR or someone over at the bigger hang out area. Maybe I'll say hi to John. Maybe. Hopefully.

I can't wait to graduate. Then I'll be able to forget everything and just start over. Phoenix Down my life. Begin anew.

 

[iCupcakeSurprise]

Entry Numero Tres
I refuse to screw this up. I'm not going to listen to people anymore. Who the hell cares? Cause I don't. Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear, right? I don't wanna ruin my last chance with him. That would kill me. Oddly enough, I'm enjoying hanging out with him a lot more than I did before.

And I discovered that I don't need Shauna. Sure, she's my best friend, but I don't need her. If she left, I'd be perfectly happy, as long as we talked online or something. I don't think I'm going to be hanging around the Pac-Man tree anymore. I'm really enjoying hanging out at the big area with everyone.

Life's going great right now. I got the new clothes I needed, I got the guy I love, my dog's getting over her sickness, and for once I'm completely satisfied with my life right now. I don't care what Shauna or Timmy or Eric or Caitlyn have to say about my dating John. I could less now. Hell, I'm the one who asked him out.

Today was super enjoyable. I'm loving life today. drama was amazing. I love the reactions I've been getting from everyone, since we're doing trauma make-up in drama. Today's just amazing! <3

 

[iCupcakeSurprise]

Entry Numero Quatro
Why the hell did I ever fall for him? Why did I let him touch me? Gosh, i hate him. But I can't hate him at all. I still love him. And I can't stop it. I need someone else to focus on.

Anyone.

I thought he would have at least tried. I never thought he'd actually suggest we break up because I was so pissed I didn't want to talk to him. Why didn't he try?

Sure, sure, yeah. I know now that he cheated on me the last time we dated. And I know that he's nothing but a liar and a player. But I still want him. I want to go back to the place, where we were super happy, and nothing could break us. I don't care if that was fake. I miss it.

But I can't let myself fall for it. Ignoring me just to get to me. Why did i let him in in the first place? I wish he'd disappear. I can't wait until he graduates. Then I'd forget him and move on.
maybe.

I wish I could stop. I wish I knew if he really loved me or if it was just an act. I doubt he really does; he is with her now, even though we just broke up last night. But I wish I knew if he really loved me or not. That would really help.

with that info, I think I could get over him, if that makes enough sense.

Probably doesn't. Oh well.

 

[iCupcakeSurprise]

Entry Numero Cinco

Okay, so like, I went to John's(my boyfriend) house today, right? And we were up in his room, and it was all fun, and cuddly, and cool, ya? And then he decided we'd do some oral, cause, well, that's what horny teens like me and him do. So ya, and then like, I gave him a blow job, yea? And he was all like, jacking off a bit while we were making out, right? And then we hear this sudden running down the stairs and sliding across the tile downstairs, and we were all, what the hell was that? and then his mom was all, "John, get your a** in down here. Get in the car. We're going." And we were all, s**t! So like, it turns out his mom had sent his little sis up to see what we were doing, cause we have this habit of whispering.

So now he got in trouble, and then they were gonna take me home, so I was all, can you take me to the library instead? Cause like, I wasn't sure if she was gonna tell my mom or anything, so just safety precaution, ya know? So they dropped me off at the library, and I made up some sad excuse of how something had come up and i just didn't want to go home yet, just so my grandma and mom wouldn't ask why I was at the library when I was supposed to be at John's.

But while I was at the library, I realized that I forgot my necklace at his house! And now I don't know what to do! Cause he's graduating tomorrow and I don't be at school, and I don't know if he'll be able to call me or even come to my house, as he'll probably be grounded.....

I feel bad now...But I kinda feel like laughing, sadly. it's like, only we would be that stupid as to get caught, right? I dunno....