Eh, Fudgemonkeys. -- A collection of thoughts.

[Obliviosity]

4/15/2010

So, since yesterday my father broke his ankle severely in an accident at work including a truck and a scissor lift, I have decided to keep a journal tracking his medical progress.

Long story short, he and a co-worker were moving a scissor lift from a truck being used to transport it. It teetered and managed to fall on my father. Luckily, he was able to direct the fall of it enough so that the majority of the force landed on his left leg and ankle, rather than a more vital area.

After being rushed to the hospital, several hours later he received reconstructive surgery resulting in the use of ten screws, one metal plate and a cast in order to repair the two broken bones, and severely stretched (and possibly torn?) ligaments.

Now that he's in the hospital and constantly taking some form of pain medication, he's doing okay. His left arm and right leg are achy due to some deep bruising, but nothing is broken thankfully.

That doesn't really help the fact that he sounds like a pile -o- crap when he speaks. Tired, bored, feeling like crap, drugged up. Bleh.

I just really, REALLY hope that he doesn't feel guilty seeing that this happened just a few days before my birthday. I could care less about that, I just worry about him feeling comfortable.

Doctors have said that since the damage included ligaments, he won't be able to put any pressure on that ankle at all for the next three months. And even after that, it has to be gradual with the aid of physical therapy.

Luckily, they did say that if he is diligent about taking care of how he walks and his therapy, his ankle should heal to damn near close to normal.

I guess only time will tell...

 

[Obliviosity]

6-1-10
So, today I came to revelation. I think.
Or at least I hope.
I realized that I really haven't been happy since I hit college. I mean, the college in itself is amazing, but I'm not. Well, my choices aren't. I haven't enjoyed the great majority of my classes, like I've been forcing myself to go through with them. If I'm not enjoying the classes for my major and not doing well in them, what makes me think that the career I'm aiming for will be any better?
Thinking long and hard about it, I've tried to think of the things in the past decade that I've really enjoyed learning. Then my mentorship at ACCAD came into mind.
Was I really happy with what I was doing then?
I think I was.
A major in art, then grad program studying digital animation...
It didn't sound unreachable.
It actually sounds plausible.
If not DOable.
I wouldn't have to deal with F-ing Physics or Chemistry.
I could maybe minor in English.
This sounds like fun.

The main reason why I always ruled out art is because I never felt I was good enough for it, always comparing myself to others. But I realized that I had little to no instruction and aid since middle school. Everything has been academics. When I try to teach myself something, I catch on pretty quickly. I'm always wasting my time on Photoshop, Flash or other related programs. I've been using imaging software since I was nine-ish and before. I know how to use my tablet that I've had since middle school.
I might be able to pull this off.

Buuut... Then the doubt sets back in.
I should just get back to work now...

 

[Obliviosity]

6-8-10

I hate having so many doubts about myself, but I really can't help it.
I'm not an optimistic, bubbly person as much as I'd like to think I am at times.
I feel like my being in college is a waste of time and money. I have no confidence in my abilities in anything, because while in public school, I never showed promise with anything.
I'm not extraordinary, just ordinary.
I've been at college for two years straight, without even taking a break for summer. Bad idea.
My brain is fried, and my grades have suffered big time for it. I'm dreading the moment that my dad looks up my grades ad shares with mom.
I only gave him my password so that he could help me get my financial information straightened out when he improperly filled that form out last year. But ********. Seriously, getting into my grades without even TELLING me first? I swear my paranoia over them looming over my shoulders constantly is just making everything worse.
Technically parents aren't supposed to have access to any of that information unless I explicitly tell the student offices that I give them permission to show my parents.
But I know that a** soon as I change my password, he'll tell mom and they'll blow up saying "We're your parents! Blah blah blah. Are you afraid of us finding something out? Blah blah blah. Are we that much of failures? Blah blah blah."
They have me so paranoid right now that it's stressing me out to hell and back.
I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't stay out late. I don't party. I don't have a boyfriend. Hell, I don't even have friends. I'm not a bad kid, I just don't have any confidence, resilience, or motivation right now and it's eating me from the inside out.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know anything about myself.
I even considered using the 10 free counciling sessions we're supposed to get every year on this. I took that stupid questionnaire thing that the SCHOOL'S self-help site linked to. It said I have the chance of having anxiety issues and depression.
I knew about the anxiety already, but damn, depression too?
It would make sense.
Thing is, if I did go through with it, I know that my mother would think "Oh, first my husband is in therapy, now my only daughter, too? I'm such a failure."

Sigh...

I wish that life was simple again.
Maybe a summer off with a mindless job will help.
Maybe I'll make a friend or two and actually be happy for once.
Maybe that will get me back into shape.

 

[Obliviosity]

6-8-10

Sigh.
I'm hungry, upset, and haven't studied a lick of Chem for my final tomorrow.
I just want to crawl up into a little ball for a week.
I'd kill for a hug right now without being asked "What's wrong?" in an accusing manner.

 

[Obliviosity]

6-9-10

I feel my Chem final went okay. I'm pretty sure I'll at least get the class average.

As for my Edu class, I completely forgot to do the extra credit portfolio. And I can't BS it since we need to interview someone and add contact information for it. I'm such a failure.

It's already past 8:30, so no one will be answering email, and the portfolio needs to be in by 9:30 am tomorrow.

I'm so screwed...

 

[Obliviosity]

6/30/10

So, got my wisdom teeth out yesterday morning.
Ouch.
The Novocaine wearing off was the worst part.

And guess what?!
Some jackass let our old black lab out of our backyard last night.
Titch never did anything to anyone except for bark at the occasional squirrel or someone who wasn't supposed to be around our yard.
Poor guy, I put up missing pet ads, and we're gonna visit the pound either today or tomorrow to see if he was picked up.
He doesn't deserve to die like this. At least its mild outside...  

[Obliviosity]

7/1/10
Soo...
I was just given a guy's phone number about 30 or so minutes ago.
Shame this one lives out of state.
*Sigh*  

[Obliviosity]

7/5/10

Poor Skylar. Her sister absolutely hates her, and I really can't see any clearly justified reason as to why.
It's getting close to the point of asking mom and dad if she can stay with us for a little while...

I'll wait and see. But if it comes to that, I will.  

[Obliviosity]

7/10/10

Why to I tend to attract guys who claim to not get along with most, often strongly dislike or are really skeptical about others, and claim to rarely laugh?

Either I'm just a strange person, or they lie to me.

Sigh...

People online think I'm some wonderful angel who's probably been confessed to by tons of people.
I'm not.  

[Obliviosity]

7/27/10

Ugh, listening to my University's song makes me want to cry. It makes me wonder why I waste my life being as quiet, scared and introverted as I am.

How much better would my life be if I just learned to say "Hi, I'm Tristyn. How are you?"

Sigh...

 

[Obliviosity]

8/20/2010
So, I've been in a relationship for about a month and half now.
And... I'm actually pretty happy.
It's not too unrealistic, seeing as we've had our ups and downs, but things are always resolved.
I finally understand the girlfriend role and the slight jealousy that comes with it. >//>
I mean, he put a picture of himself on his profile...
My first reaction was a bit of jealousy over his female friends and roleplay partners. I mean, when he first showed me a picture of himself, he told be that he usually likes to stay less personal if that makes any sense. So when I see him put one up plain as day, I can't help but feel a little off about it.
But, he must feel some sort of confidence in how he looks, so I'm happy for that though.

Siiiiighhhh.
Having him is great, but I already think too much. I just want one day of simple fluff. D:

 

[Obliviosity]

9/1/10

So... my brother's girlfriend's friend (whom I could swear was her stepbrother) admitted to me he has a crush on me.
It was awkward.
I felt bad.
but I said I didn't, and I didn't see it happening anytime soon.
He said to let him know if I changed my mind.
v.v
I have someone whom I'm pretty comfortable saying I'm committed to right now.
Actually thinking about a future with him with a smile.
Just gotta convince my family to like him too.

Oi.

 

[Obliviosity]

9/17/10

So... He opened up to me today. Like... Really opened up.

And really open up to anyone.

Perhaps this is the cause of his over thinking and headaches lately. I don't know...

Geeze, my hands are shaking and I feel really jittery. Adrenaline and coffee doesn't really mix that well.

I'm afraid though. I'm afraid that he's mainly doing this out of fear, or as some sort of a test.

And... If he tries to avoid relationships so much... Why did he let himself get so close to me?

I guess well see.
This will either turn out well, or badly.

 

[Obliviosity]

9/17/10 #2

He... Seems to be in a little bit of a better mood.
I don't know if it's because he let everything I said slide off of his back, or because it actually got to him, but... I don't know.
I just hope that he realizes that I was being completely honest with him when I told him what I did.
I do care, and he's an amazing guy. <3

On another note, it feels really weird sitting around thinking "I feel like I should be doing something..." when there's really nothing to do. My Ren Faire costume is done, the dishes are basically done, downstairs is basically clean, so is my room and the room my computer is in. I just did laundry yesterday...

So I've just been sitting around on my computer, waiting for people to get home.

Maybe I'll go play a game or something...

 

[Obliviosity]

10-27-10

Ugh, Halloween. Not going so well this year unfortunately. Maybe I can kick things into gear today and tomorrow...

On another note!
Reconnecting with your long lost best friend from elementary/middle school is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
She's so happy now, all thanks to one man.
And miraculously enough, it started over the internet.
And now they've met in person, and it has blossomed into a loving healthy relationship.
It... really give me hope for Andrew and I.
As long as you work for it, it can happen.

Next week 'm hanging out with my friend, and it will be wonderful.