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Just a bunch of crazy non-humans hanging out. XD 

Tags: random, sexyfine, non-humans, international, hang-out 

Reply The Creative Corner --- Take a gander at the stuff in here! xD
Bubbles' attempt at Creepypasta. XD

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Supple Succubus
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:17 pm
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I became bored one day and wrote this lovely little piece of work. xd Its not as detailed as I'd like to be, as I was pressed for time, but I'll post a re-do when I get to work on it again.

~~

For the past couple of months, you’ve felt like you were being watched, even when you were absolutely alone. One day, you find a letter from your best friend in your mailbox saying to come to an address to meet a really good friend of theirs. Loving all of your friend’s buddies, you go. Upon arrival, though, the house looks old and abandoned, and there are newspapers and phone books littering the ground. You scrunch up your nose at a smell that takes you a couple of minutes to realize that trash bags are the source. You almost turn around and leave, but you don’t want to be rude, so you knock on the door. There’s a little wait, and you hear heavy footsteps approaching. The door opens, and a greasy, smelly, dirty man opens the door. He smiles at you with such a creepy smile that you feel shivers down your back. You noticed your friend’s car wasn’t at the house.

“Am I at the right place? I was told to come her by a friend?”

“A yes, I've been expecting you. They just called. There was an accident, and they’ll be a little late.” He gestures inside, saying, “Why don’t you come in and wait for them?”

You really don’t want to, but you step inside anyway. The house is dark, and you can’t see anything. You ask the man to turn on a light, and he says that the lights went out a couple of days ago. He offers to get candles and heads into the back of the house. Afraid of sitting down, you decide to stand. The man takes so long to get the candles that your eyes adjust to the dark. You see a bunch of picture frames and, not taking the man to be the painting type, you take a look. As you bring your face close to the canvas, you gasp in horror. The picture is of you. This particular one is from the time you went to the public restaurant a month ago. You look at another one. Another shiver travels the length of your spine. In this one, you were completely alone in your house, crying at a movie you had just finished watching. The detail makes you want to weep. It’s so clear. Too clear. You now know where the feeling of being watched came from. You go to another picture, and this one, of course, is of you, as you’re looking slightly to the side, a look of contentment on your face.

Suddenly, you feel a hand around your neck. Then comes the whisper. “Beautiful, aren't they? I think they’re so much more beautiful when they sleep, though." The next thing you know, the darkness engulfs you.

A couple of weeks later, a new picture appears in the old, dirty house. In the picture, an attractive person lies in a coffin, holding a colorful bouquet of flowers to their lifeless face.

~~

So, what did y'all think? Please tell me y'all's thoughts. Thank you! User Image  
PostPosted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:09 pm
It's not bad. xD
I think if you really want the effect of knowing who it is in the coffin at the end, you have to repeat his/her characteristics in the beginning. So that would be the "attractive" that you used at the end. Or you could describe the "picture of yourself" in more detail, and then add some of those specific details at the end.

I think there's a problem with present and past tense, I stumbled a bit at the beginning of the story - so I think the flow of the story attributed to that.

This is just a personal preference, but I'm not sure I enjoyed it being in a coffin. xD It seemed too... stoic. And if it is going to be in a coffin, maybe describe it rather than tell us what it is. Although personally, I think someone who stalks and takes pictures of others wouldn't be so formal as to place someone in a coffin - but this is just preference. xD

Good job though, and a great start.  

D R E A M T


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 8:37 pm
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Well, this was totally my fault, but I envisioned that at the end, a funeral was being held for the reader. sweatdrop But, like I said, my fault.

And thank you for your feedback. User Image It'll help me when I write version two. 3nodding

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:22 pm
I loved it, it could of been a great selling movie or story if someone got their hand on your work.  

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Supple Succubus
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:30 pm
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Oh, I doubt it, but thank you~! 4laugh



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