Is it getting any better?

[ecopper12]

You guys remember the 2012 story I posted a while back? Well, I have been working on it, and I wanted to see if it was any better. I have been getting positive feedback on it. It's longer if anything. I'm not done the second chapter though.

2012: The End has come

Prologue: December 21st, 2012

It was the day of reckoning. Everyone who knew about the 2012 theory was panicking. Everyone who was clueless was taken a back by the sudden chaos. School work was impossible, the teachers were skeptics, the kids were believers, and me? I didn’t know what to think. There were so many things to disprove it. Nothing had happened, the sun was shining, and the breeze was blowing. There were so many things to prove it too. Nothing had happened yet, everything seems so normal. That was what made everyone so tense. The normality of the day increased the tension of what might, or will, happen later in the day. As time passed on, school continued. The usually loud lunch room had fallen silent as everyone stared out the window at the darkening sky. The tension was growing.

Later in the day, at about 1:53, the sky was as dark as night. At this point the teachers were turning. It was obvious something was going to happen…Nobody knew what. 5:00 rolls around. Everybody is home from school. It’s quitting time for people at work. Headlights are streaming down the road, trying to see through the thick dark fog that had settled. 8:00, people are starting to calm. Nothing had happened yet, so nothing probably will. 10:00, nobody is panicking. The fog has cleared, the moon shines bright, and everything is normal. Or so it seems, around 11:43 the sky begins glow and eerie orange. Almost like the morning sun, but more like a fire. The heat is picking up. Around midnight the sleeping people wake up to blistering heat. Not even the air conditioning is able to cool down the sweltering houses. Everyone looks out the window and sees the source. A meteor, twice the size of the one that killed the dinosaurs, is heading for the earth. It is something straight from a theory. The Wormwood prophecy is coming true.

The theory states that a big meteor will collide with the earth. Hours before impact, an unimaginable heat would plague the earth. Buildings would collapse under the heat, houses would be set a blaze, and the ground is the only safe haven. The people have been instructed to travel to the nearest mine. The heat may stand in you way but the will to survive should push you forward. As the people and I shuffle into the mine, I hear a peculiar noise. It’s the whistle of the meteor streaming through the earths atmosphere. As it get’s louder, the sky gets brighter, and the heat intensifies. The end of the world is inevitable, it is right above our heads.

December 22nd, 2012. The end of the world has come.

Chapter 1: January 1st, 2013

Darkness is dominant, no sun shines. I have my eyes open, yet nothing is visible. “Where am I?” I say out loud. No response. It is very cool down here, wherever here is. Suddenly it all comes back to me. I remember the meteor, the heat, the end of the world. This memory seemed false to me at first. I had to see it to believe it. I struggled to my feet. The floor had good grip so I didn’t slip. I remembered where I was. I was in the mine. We all had to take shelter and the mine was the safest place. That would explain the darkness. I made my way with the little I could see. Finally, I saw a very dim light. I began to run. What would be beyond that light? I had to know. As I got closer, the image behind it got clearer. I began to see what it was. The memory rang true. The world was in a sate of turmoil. The hellish landscape that stood before me, it was a sad sight to see. There was no breeze, there was no sun. Only a scorched horizon as far as the eye could see.

I could hear footsteps behind me. I did not dare turn. Only when I felt a tap on my shoulder did I turn to see who was behind me. A girl, who I recognized from school, was standing there with a concerned look on her face. “Erik, what are you doing out here?” She asked. I stared blankly for a second before responding, “I could ask you the same thing…Brooke.” I hesitated on her name. It was hard to recognize anyone in this wasteland, but I still managed. We stood there in silence. I gave in and answered. “I wanted to see if the world had really ended…Well, it’s a half truth.” I said solemnly. The world as we knew it had turned into…This. Suddenly something came to me. I drew in a sharp breath. “Brooke, where are the other people? Are they okay?” I asked. My family, everyone in the area, and even some friends, were all in the mine at the time of the impact. Brooke lowered her head and sighed, “A few of us are still alive. Mostly everyone in the mine has suffered. The impact shook the whole shaft. Rocks fell, people had panic attacks, and many just died from shock. The people that survived are the kids. Erik, come on. We should go get the others.” She said. I reluctantly nodded and began to follow her in the mine.

I stopped walking before we entered. Noticing the footsteps, or lack there of, she stopped and turned to me. I spoke, “I think I will stay here. You go get the others.” Concern filled her eyes as she turned and walked into the mine. I spun on my heel and headed back out to where I was standing before. Overlooking the landscape in its burned state was depressing to say the least. I blinked back tears. After a while I hear several people approaching me. I turned to greet them, when I see there faces my words catch in my throat. They all looked so sullen, and desperate. Their faces were ashen and covered in dirt. I looked down. To see my friends in a state of peril such as this…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. “Erik, this is the others. You know, Adam, John, and Godfrey.” Brooke said. I nodded. This was more than I could bear. I sighed and fell to my knees. “What is going to happen to us? Are we going to die?” I said in a whisper. Brooke walked over and knelt down to me. She put her hand on my shoulder reassuringly. “Erik…Look, We all have no idea what we are going to do. We have to be strong though. The world we once knew may be gone, but we are not. We were spared. There has to be a reason right? We just have to find out what it is.” She said. I looked at her with teary eyes. “What do you suggest we do? Rebuild the world?” I said in a mocking tone. Her face remained serious. My smile faded. “You can’t be serious. Us, a bunch of kids? What would we do? What can we do?” I said. She shook her head. “We don’t know yet. We will find a way. Somehow, we are going to find a way to bring the world back.” I stared at her like she had grown a second head. “Brooke! We are kids. Not even old enough to have a legal drink! What do you propose we do? Hunt for food? What is left to hunt? How in the hell can we do any-“ I was stopped mid sentence with a hand colliding with my cheek. She slapped me. Complete and utter surprise filled my face. I was struck across the face. My jaw clenched together as I stood up. “Erik I…” Brooke began. “I don’t want to hear it. Come and find me when you know what you are going to do.” I said storming off.

I walked for a while with a mix of depression and anger filling me. This was unfair. Why were we spared? What were we supposed to do? My thoughts were interrupted by a rock hitting me in the back of the head. I whirled around to see someone running at me at full speed. Before I even had time to breathe, I was on the ground with this person on top of me. “You look suspicious! What are you doing out here by yourself? You look flushed and out of breath! I am thinking you need CPR!” The person said. Before I could get a word in edgewise their lips crammed against mine as breath filled my lungs. My eyes grew wide. I pushed them off of me and stood up. Now I was even more out of breath than before. “Who the hell are you? Where did you come from? Why do I feel so violated? I want those answers in that order!” I said frantically. I was able to identify the person a female, albeit a very crazy one. She spoke, “My name is Riley Fisher. I came from my mother and father, and you feel violated because you’re shy. CPR is a life saving thing, it’s nothing to be shy about.” I stared at her incredulously.

Chapter 2: February 1st, 2013

A month had passed since we had gotten together to rebuild the world. We even had a name for our little ragtag group now.”Leftovers” we called ourselves, because essentially, that’s what we were. Leftovers of a world long past. We had accomplished little to nothing in terms rebuilding. To be honest, we didn’t have a clue where to start. We were barely getting by on the food we had foraged. Water was nearly impossible to find. Most of the natural water we had found was contaminated by the impact. We had to rely on what we could forage. Be it ground water, or the occasional bottle we found lying about. What I had decided was to find more people before we began to plot how we could fix the world. Repopulation would be a problem, and we only had a vague idea of where to search. Strike that, we actually had no idea where to search. In a world where the sites of your everyday routine look as though they have been swept up by twister, you could find something unexpected just about anywhere; case in point, the mysterious newcomer who called herself Riley Fisher. She had come from out of nowhere, and had made a very, very odd first impression. The second and third weren’t very good either.

She came off as your average loony. She would run around with us as we searched aimlessly for something to help us rebuild, and it was as if she was totally oblivious to the destruction that had just happened. She was as happy as a two year old would be if they had just been given the largest lollipop they had ever seen. The thing that bugged me the most was her attachment to me. She would hover around me, constantly asking me questions. If I asked her to stop, for about five seconds, she would. After that, she would start right up again. I could tell she was wearing on the rest of the group, so I pulled her aside and spoke to her.

“Riley, what are you doing?

“What do you mean?” She asked smiling sweetly.

“Well, why are you acting so crazy? Second, why are you asking me so many questions?”

Riley stared blankly at me for what seemed like hours when she spoke.

“Crazy? I’m not crazy. I just like to look on the bright side of things.”

I blinked.

“You look on the bright side of things? What bright side? The world has been destroyed! What could you possibly have to look forward to?” I said in a sharp tone. She only had one thing to say in reply.

“Well, I can look forward to spending time with you…” She said shyly.

I stared back with an expression of amazement on my face.

Is this chick for real? I thought.

“Riley, you just met me. Let me remind you, you haven’t exactly made me the happiest person to have you around. Let’s put it this way, if we can get through this I’ll-“ I stopped short as Adam came running over to us.

“Hey! You have to come back! It’s Brooke! She just collapsed!”

I looked at Riley one last time before darting after Adam. It took no time at all to reach Brooke at the rate the both of us ran. John and Godfrey were knelt down by her, with concern on their faces.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

John and Godfrey exchanged glances before looking back at me. Godfrey spoke up.

“We were just waiting. We knew you were talking to that crazy chick, so we just stood here talking. Out of nowhere she just collapsed. We have no idea what happened. She seems to be breathing, but her pulse doesn’t feel right. It’s beating at weird paces.”

I sighed and knelt down to her. I placed my hand on her forehead.

“Brooke…I hate to see it end this way, but none of us know what to do. We aren’t doctors. Don’t you worry, we’ll rebuild the world. We’ll make sure we dedicate some of it to you.”

Adam’s eyes widened as he stared at me. “That’s it? You’re not even going to try and help her? Who the hell do you think you are, writing her off as dead so quick? We might still be able to save her!”

“Adam, you know as well as I do that none of us know anything about caring for a person. Hell, we barely know what happened to her!” I argued back.

“Are you hearing yourself? She’s our friend! Are you just going to let her rot out here without so much as a try?” He snapped.

We were so involved in our argument, that we didn’t notice Riley next to us.

“Excuse me! I think I might be able to help. I’m just going to need you to close your eyes.”

I turned to her. “What can you do? You’re the same age as us, how could you possibly be able to help?”

“Why, Erik. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you are trying to make your friend die. Now, if you want her to live, then step aside, and close your damn eyes.” She said coldly.

Everyone shut their eyes tightly as Riley knelt next to Brooke. We heard nothing, but a command to open our eyes. When we did, we saw Brooke sitting upright, her eyes open, as if nothing had happened in the first place.

Discuss
The story
Improvements that can be made
If it is any better  

[PainfullyVivid]

Prologue: December 21st, 2012

It was the day of reckoning. Everyone who knew about the 2012 theory was panicking. Everyone who was clueless about the idea was taken aback by the sudden chaos. School work was impossible. The teachers were skeptical, the kids were convinced, and me? I didn’t know what to think. >There were so many things to disprove it. Nothing had happened, the sun was shining, and the breeze was blowing. There were so many things to prove it too. Nothing had happened yet, everything seems so normal.< This can be simplified especially since you are using the fact that nothing had happened as a reason to support both arguments. Or you can easily take it out all together and just connect the next part differently. That was what made everyone so tense. Possibly delete this. Seems like you just repeat this same idea with more info in the next sentence. The normality of the day increased the tension of what might, or will would, happen later in the day. As time passed on, school continued. Redundant. Both express passage of time, so it's just wasted words to do both. The usually loud lunch room had fallen silent as everyone stared out the window at the darkening sky. The tension was growing.

Later in the day, at about 1:53 If this is a retelling from a character's point of view, he's not going to be down too around a certain minute. He'll just say around 2, the sky was as dark as night. At this point the teachers were turning. Explain. The first time I read this, I had no idea what you meant. I was like, "Turning into what? Evil apocalyptic vampires? I only just figured out what you meant. It was obvious something was going to happen, but nobody knew what. 5:00 rolls rolled around. Grammatically, you shouldn't start a sentence with a number. Everybody is was home from school. It’s It was quitting time for people at work workers. Headlights are streaming down the road, trying to see through the thick dark fog that had settled. 8:00, people are starting to calm. Nothing had happened yet, so nothing probably will. 10:00, nobody is was panicking. The fog has had cleared, the moon shines shone bright, and everything is was normal. Or so it seems seemed. Around 11:43, (Again, way to specific to be believable) the sky begins began to glow and an eerie orange almost like the morning sun, but more like a fire. If it was more a fire, then just say like a fire. The heat is was picking up. Around midnight, the sleeping people everyone wake woke up to blistering heat. Not even the air conditioning is was able to cool down the sweltering houses. Everyone looked out the window and sawthe source. A meteor, twice the size of the one that killed the dinosaurs Okay. Super random and not something I can imagine someone really using to describe the size of a meteor since most people have no clue how big the meteor that killed the dinos was (either scientifically or estimating by sight), is heading for the earth. It is something straight from a theory. The Wormwood prophecy is coming true.

Needs a better transition between the narrative and informative area. The theory states that a big meteor will collide with the earth. Hours before impact, an unimaginable heat would plague the earth. Buildings would collapse under the heat, houses would be set a blaze, and the ground is the only safe haven. If you are going to give us this information, you should hold true to it. With the way you wrote this, it very much seems like the heat comes around midnight, everyone runs underground, and the meteor comes like 20 minutes later. You mention no collapsing buildings in the story itself, etc The people have been instructed to travel to the nearest mine. The heat may stand in you way but the will to survive should push you forward. Seems randomly shoved in there. Needs a transition into it at least. As the people and I shuffle into the mine, I hear a peculiar noise. It’s the whistle of the meteor streaming through the earths atmosphere. As it get’s louder, the sky gets brighter, and the heat intensifies. The end of the world is inevitable. It was right above our heads. Honestly, I'd rather see any narrative together and the info about the theory by itself. It seems very odd to switch between two different styles twice.

December 22nd, 2012. The end of the world has come.

Chapter 1: January 1st, 2013

Darkness is dominant, no sun shines. I have my eyes open, yet nothing is visible. “Where am I?” I say out loud. No response. It is very cool down here, wherever here is. Suddenly it all comes back to me. I remember the meteor, the heat, the end of the world. This memory seemed false to me at first. I had to see it to believe it. Um. Had to see the end of the world to believe it or the memory? XD Need to make the subject clear. I struggled to my feet. The floor had good grip so I didn’t slip. ? I remembered where I was. I was in the mine where we all had to take shelter. and the mine was the safest place. Already mentioned that in your theory info. That would explain the darkness. I made my way with the little I could see. Finally, I saw a very dim light. I began to run. In a mine that was mostly destroyed in a giant impact? At least add in tripping or something then and having to move something if you can't bring yourself to make there be a cave in (what I would think would happen unless mines are very structurally sound) What would be beyond that light? I had to know. As I got closer, the image behind it got clearer. I began to see what it try not to use "it" so much. Rather, use the subject - it eliminates a lot of confusion was. The memory rang true. The world was in a sate of turmoil. The hellish landscape that stood before me, it was a sad sight to see. There was no breeze. There was no sun. Only a scorched horizon as far as the eye could see. Fragment.

I could hear footsteps behind me. I did not dare turn. Only when I felt a tap on my shoulder did I turn to see who was behind me. A girl, who I recognized from school, was standing there with a concerned look on her face. “Erik, what are you doing out here?” She asked.

New paragraph I stared blankly for a second before responding, “I could ask you the same thing…Brooke.” I hesitated on her name. It was hard to recognize anyone in this wasteland, but I still managed. Why? Since it's not obviously, you need to explain. We stood there in silence. I gave in to what? and answered. “I wanted to see if the world had really ended…Well, it’s a half truth.” I said solemnly. The world as we knew it had turned into…This. Suddenly something came to me. I drew in a sharp breath. “Brooke, where are the other people? Are they okay?” I asked. My family, everyone in the area, and even some friends, were all in the mine at the time of the impact.

New person talking, new paragraph Brooke lowered her head and sighed, “A few of us are still alive. Mostly everyone in the mine has suffered. The impact shook the whole shaft. Rocks fell, people had panic attacks, and many just died from shock. The people that survived are the kids. Erik, come on. We should go get the others.” She said. I reluctantly nodded and began to follow her in the mine. Shock as in the shock of knowing the meteor impact or shock from an injury? The first is a little ridiculous considering the number of people. Plus, if rocks fell enough to kill many, you might want to at least mentioned that before now especially during the part where your character is running through the mine.

I stopped walking before we entered. Noticing the footsteps, or lack there of, she stopped and turned to me. I spoke, “I think I will stay here. You go get the others.” Concern filled her eyes as she turned and walked into the mine. I spun on my heel and headed back out to where I was standing before. Overlooking the landscape in its burned state was depressing to say the least. I blinked back tears. After a while I hear several people approaching me. I turned to greet them, when I see there there faces my words catch in my throat. They all looked so sullen I'm almost certain you used the wrong word here. Sullen is another word for sulky or silent resentment. That doesn't fit with the mood or the next word. and desperate. Their faces were ashen and covered in dirt. I looked down. To see my friends in a state of peril such as this…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

New para. “Erik, this is the others. You know, Adam, John, and Godfrey.” Brooke said. I nodded. This was more than I could bear. I sighed and fell to my knees.

n.p.“What is going to happen to us? Are we going to die?” I said in a whisper. Brooke walked over and knelt down to me. She put her hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

n.p.“Erik… Look, We all have no idea what we are going to do. We have to be strong though. The world we once knew may be gone, but we are not. We were spared. There has to be a reason right? We just have to find out what it is.” She said. I looked at her with teary eyes.

n.p.“What do you suggest we do? Rebuild the world?” I said in a mocking tone. Her face remained serious. My smile faded. “You can’t be serious. Us, a bunch of kids? What would we do? What can we do?” I said. She shook her head.

n.p.
“We don’t know yet. We will find a way. Somehow, we are going to find a way to bring the world back.” I stared at her like she had grown a second head.

n.p.“Brooke! We are kids. Not even old enough to have a legal drink! What do you propose we do? Hunt for food? What is left to hunt? How in the hell can we do any-“ I was stopped mid sentence with when a hand collided with my cheek. She slapped me. Complete and utter surprise filled my face. I was struck across the face. Doesn't need to be said a third time. My jaw clenched together as I stood up.

n.p.“Erik, I…” Brooke began.

n.p.“I don’t want to hear it. Come and find me when you know what you are going to do.” I said storming off.

I walked for a while with a mix of depression and anger filling me. This was unfair. Why were we spared? What were we supposed to do? My thoughts were interrupted by a rock hitting me in the back of the head. I whirled around to see someone running at me at full speed. Before I even had time to breathe, I was on the ground with this person on top of me. “You look suspicious! What are you doing out here by yourself? You look flushed and out of breath! I am thinking you need CPR!” The person said. Before I could get a word in edgewise their lips crammed against mine as breath filled my lungs. My eyes grew wide. I pushed them off of me and stood up. Now I was even more out of breath than before.

n.p.“Who the hell are you? Where did you come from? Why do I feel so violated? I want those answers in that order!” I said frantically. I was able to identify the person a female, albeit a very crazy one.

n.p.She spoke, “My name is Riley Fisher. I came from my mother and father, and you feel violated because you’re shy. CPR is a life saving thing, it’s nothing to be shy about.” I stared at her incredulously.

This whole encounter is a bit too out there. It comes off like one of those animes that are lighthearted and comedic. This really doesn't fit with the tone you've established with everything else.

Chapter 2: February 1st, 2013

A month had passed since we had gotten together to rebuild the world. We even had a name for our little ragtag group now.”Leftovers” we called ourselves, because essentially, that’s what we were. Leftovers of a world long past. We had accomplished little to nothing in terms rebuilding. To be honest, we didn’t have a clue where to start. We were barely getting by on the food we had foraged. Water was nearly impossible to find. Most of the natural water we had found was contaminated by the impact. We had to rely on what we could forage. Be it ground water, or the occasional bottle we found lying about. A burned wasteland probably wouldn't have bottled water laying about at all. What I had decided was to find more people before we began to plot how we could fix the world. Repopulation would be a problem, and we only had a vague idea of where to search. Strike that, we actually had no idea where to search. In a world where the sites of your everyday routine look as though they have been swept up by twister, you could find something unexpected just about anywhere; case in point, the mysterious newcomer who called herself Riley Fisher. She had come from out of nowhere, and had made a very, very odd first impression. The second and third weren’t very good either.

...

“Brooke…I hate to see it end this way, but none of us know what to do. We aren’t doctors. Don’t you worry, we’ll rebuild the world. We’ll make sure we dedicate some of it to you.” Major character change here. Why does he now suddenly stop caring other than to keep the plot going? It's not like she is bleeding out and is in need of surgery. My first thought was heat stroke or dehydration. Wouldn't they at least try to cool her down or find her water?

...

Everyone shut their eyes tightly as Riley knelt next to Brooke. We heard nothing, but a command to open our eyes. When we did, we saw Brooke sitting upright, her eyes open, as if nothing had happened in the first place. Please don't say she is a magical being or an alien. Or if she is, I really hope you have a wonderful explanation behind it, because otherwise, this is just a story that is trying to be too many different things.


Overall, you switch tenses constantly. I gave up correcting them after a bit. You skip over a lot of things such as the characters' loss of family and friends and how that affects them. Your character just falls to his knees a bit later after he hears that all his friends and family have died. I'm not sure about you, but I know I'd cry right then and go back in the mine to see if I could find them even if it was just to bury them or see them one last time. Or, if it is impossible to get light in there, at least mention them trying to regardless (as I wouldn't imagine teenagers or even adults being rational in that moment). Realistically, your characters are taking this way too well for teenagers. At least put some conflict into your character. Spend a few paragraphs talking about it rather than a sentence or three.
You also need to show not tell sometimes with emotion. Rather than just say he is happy or depressed, SHOW us by his facial expressions and actions. Imply it. While telling us emotions can be useful in some areas, it is also good to describe the actions that come with the emotions to make them more real.

And sorry that the first bit is more heavily edited than the second half. I kind of got tired and figured you got the gist of it already.

I need to stop with the editing though. It sucks my liiiife. XD  

[ecopper12]

Thanks Pain. It really, really helps. I'll be sure to take into account what you have me and make edit's accordingly.