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 Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:18 pm
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Warning: this is an extremely long sob story.
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Do you guys rememer my previous thread called "I'm best friendless" (I asked a mod to delete it)? This story is in regards to that topic. If you cannot recall the topic: I cut off my relationship with my best friend because he failed to contact me during a most depressing time in my life, one in which I almost concluded to psychological help.
Two days ago, I had yet another urge to commit suicide. I didn't want to be home, my fire department buddies were working [and I didn't want to bother them], and I sure as hell wasn't going to ask for help from my other "friends" who so unfortunately deserted me. So, I went to the only other place I could think of: my best friend's house.
When I got there, he wasn't home. According to his dad, he went out with his girlfriend for the day. I nodded, went back to my truck, and waited. I contemplated the idea even more so, often unshealthing my pocket knife and slowly bringing the blade to my wrist or neck, crying every single minute. Every time I stopped handling my knife, I continued writing a suicide note to my friend on my CPR Card, which I was going to leave on his porch.
After waiting in my truck for nearly an hour or so, my friend and his girlfriend pulled into his driveway. A couple minutes later, my phone started ringing. I noticed the number; it was his girlfriend's cell phone. I answered the call, he asked me "What's up?", but all I could say was "Please help me" over and over in panting breaths. He ran outside [followed by his girlfriend], spotted my truck, and ran towards it. At the time, I had forgotten that I had locked the doors and curled into a ball behind the passenger's seat. They were banging on the windows, screaming for me to unlock the doors.
After about five minutes, I eventually unlocked the closest door. But as I did, I became semi-conscious and collapsed onto the roadside. Luckily, his girlfriend was on the other side and caught me. My face was numb, eyes were red and swollen, and I was dizzy and light-headed. I opened my palms, revealing my pocket knife in one hand and a shard of glass in the other. They quickly discarded both items. I sat on the roadside, with my friend and his girlfriend at my sides, for a good 10 minutes, crying the entire time. His girlfriend (I'm assuming) thought he and I needed some time alone, so she went home.
After I [somewhat] calmed down, me and my friend started talking. I explained to him everything, from the events three months ago (when all of this started) to the events of now. After I made my spiel, he made a comment. A comment that I will never forget... "Kyle, I wouldn't be complete if I found out my best friend died, let alone killed himself."
... I didn't say a word for a while, crying heavier than I was before. After about a five minute silence, I hugged him. I hugged my friend harder than anyone I've ever hugged before, including my family.
-side story-
I've always been the odd-man out. I've never had any friends in elementary school, middle school, high school, and even a few of my years in college. I have always been ostracized for being different in all aspects. I just never fit in anywhere. At the time, it didn't bother me, because I liked my solitude. But after all this crap that's been happening, I needed a friend. Also, please don't get the wrong impression. I love the friends I make on Gaia, but, in all honesty, it's hard for me to consider anyone on the internet a friend simply because we lack a physical medium.
-back to the main story-
Everything roots back to a single theme: I needed a friend. It's just been so hard to consider anyone as such due to trust issues (considering my past). It was so touching to hear someone, who I've only known for two years, say something that comes from the heart, which I have never heard my entire life. Although I'm glad that it's [relatively] over, I still have a heavy burden...
I feel guilty. I assumed his lack of communication during earlier times (times in which I was trying to reach out for help, especially his help) was because he didn't care. However, I failed to realize that his phone was broken for the past couple of weeks. Because of my misjudgment, I left some nasty messages: "We can never be friends again" and "I don't ever want to see or talk to you again." I NEVER want our friendship to end. I was just so confused and angry that I wasn't nearly myself. Although I apologized a million times [and he forgave a million times over], I still feel that heavy burden. I think I just need time for it to phase out.
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Our friendship has gotten much stronger since. We're no longer afraid to consider each other best friends (we both have had trust issues due to our pasts). We no longer greet/say farewell with a handshake, but now do so with a hug. He texts quite frequently (he's actually texting me right now; he needs help shopping for a gift for his girlfriend's birthday). This goes to show and prove that a straight and a gay can indeed be best friends.
Also, he asked me to be his best man.
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I'm sorry to everyone on Gaia that I've already told or if you're beyond tired of hearing my troubles. You can shun or negate me as much as you want, but you can't imagine how much tension it releases by simply typing this thread.
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Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:27 pm
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Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:30 pm
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Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:34 pm
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Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:42 pm
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Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:53 pm
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Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 6:04 pm
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Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 7:10 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 6:10 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 10:24 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:31 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:26 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:30 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:51 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 5:58 pm
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comfortably_dumb klynkz heart Thanks Ryu. By the way, why aren't you on my friend list? I've known you since I was Doc, and yet your name is still black, not blue scream I HAVE, TOO, AND YOUR NAME IS BLACK. scream scream scream |
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