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 Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 12:00 pm
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It's novel I am working on. I just started, and would appreciate feedback. be as critical as you need to, just make sure it isn't flaming.
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Continuity
Prologue: Pursued
It was dark. I couldn’t see. All I can remember is I was running; from what is still unclear, but I clutched the precious piece of ore under my arm and scramble down the road from what was chasing me. I turn down an alleyway, and become shrouded in a thick blanket of darkness not even the moonlight can penetrate. I collapse into a heap and lay my body against the brick wall for support. It seems this was one of the few places of the city that hadn’t been completely demolished.
I slightly loosen my grip on the rock I had been guarding, when I am sure no one is near me, I set it in my lap. I study in intently for a while, before lowering it and sighing, “You’re a lot more trouble than you are worth, you know that?” I close my eyes and lay my head back against the wall. “How did I even get into this mess?” I ask myself. I think back to what had happened so far. All the images rush through my mind, and as they do, it feels like a fire is starting inside my stomach. I am living in a nightmare.
I reach up to my head and run my fingers through my dark brown hair, which is soaked with sweat. I let my hand fall back to my lap, and it makes a sound the echoes through the alley. My body stiffens. It seems as if the already eerie quiet of the night just got quieter.
I hear footsteps. They are coming back this way, and I know who it is. I stand up, and I heard a voice shout. I make a break for the other end of the alley, but since it is so dark, I can’t see if there is an exit. There isn’t any time to plan an alternate route; I just have to get away. I let me legs take over as I sprint down the alley, my sneakers making loud thudding noises with each step I take. I suddenly feel as though I have been hit by a car, and I fall backwards with a cry of pain. I hit a brick wall.
“Well, well. It looks like we finally got you. You ready to give up yet?” My pursuer asks in a taunting tone.
I clamp my hands around the stone. I close my eyes and begin to pray. As I do, the stone begins to glow, and the man in front of my shouts something inaudible over the loud humming the stone was emitting. The glow begins to gain intensity, and soon, the whole alleyway in bathed in a blue glow.
I open my eyes and look up at the man from where I lay on the ground.
“Goodbye…” I say as I vanish. God only knows what time I will end up in next.
Chapter One: Struggle
Journal entry # 1 Saturday, July 5th, 2014
Hello. My name is Erik Copper. It has been a while since I kept one of these, but in light of recent events, I feel now would be a good time to do so. After all, this could be an important piece of history one day. If this world exists long enough for this to BE a history that is…
You’re probably wondering what I am rambling about. Well, it’s hard for me to say. I can feel the stress build up right now as I think about it. Whoever is reading this, please, learn from what I am about to say. Many people are dead, and it’s a miracle I am still alive. Though, on second thought, it’d probably be better if I did die. Read carefully, and try to prevent this from happening in the future we might have.
It was two years ago near the end of summer break. I was outside playing backyard baseball, when the radio we were listening to cut out. We went over to check it, when it started playing a new bulletin. Apparently, some Russian missiles had been launched and had landed several miles out from where we were. Luckily, they hadn’t exploded like they were supposed to, so they just crashed into a field. The reporter urged everyone to get inside, as there was no telling if more were on the way. My friends and I thought the dud missiles were just the Russians trying to scare us. We went inside and laughed about how it would probably be fine. We couldn’t have been more wrong…
My friends and I had been inside for about two hours when the power went out. I grabbed a flashlight and put it in the middle of the room. It wasn’t enough light to do anything, so we just sat in silence for about an hour. There were no windows in the room we were in, so we couldn’t tell what we going on outside. I could have sworn I heard marching though. I passed it off as my imagination.
About thirty minutes later, the power came back on. My friends and I turned on the television and flipped it to the news. When it finally switched channels the anchor looked frightened. Her brow was sweaty, and she had her lips pursed tightly. She shifted her gaze from side to side as the studio in the background was in a panic. When she finally spoke, it came out hoarse and choked. She spoke about more missiles that had been spotted. These ones did explode, and the reason for the temporary power outage was along with the missiles came an EMP. These things snuff out all electricity in a matter of seconds.
When she was finished, she said something weird. She asked someone to the left if she could go now. All that was heard next was a crash as the camera fell to the floor. It was now facing the entrance to the mews room, where several armed Russian Solider stood. They said something we couldn’t understand, and opened fire. The last thing on the broadcast was a scream. The camera went black after that.
My friends and I sat in silence wondering what had just happened. We didn’t have much time to think, because we heard an explosion and the impact shook the house. The third world war had begun…
I could go on, but it hurts me to even think about it. You see, there are only so many people left. I am one of them. My friends from that day are either gone, or somewhere I can’t find them. Please, if anyone is reading this, just don’t let it happen again. Don’t let this effort be in vain.
I put the pencil down and sigh. Recalling the details of that day has caused a mess of stress. I look around me from where I sit at the street corner. Everything is in turmoil as far as I can see. Everything is a barren, broken wasteland of despair, where the only comfort is the knowledge that you have survived. Still, that’s more of a curse then a blessing.
I take the small journal and stuff it into my pocket. Hopefully, I will write more about what has been happening when I have the time. If I don’t, well, then hopefully what I already wrote will work.
I stand up and start to walk to the right, when I hear a voice call my name. I groan as I recognize the feminine tone of it, and I turn around with a forced smile.
Kristina Smith, the girl who is too happy for her own good.
“Hey Erik! Um…I have something to say I think you might like,” she says hitting her palm with her fist.
“Now is not the time to be asking me out Kristina, I have things I need to do, and in case you haven’t noticed, the world is pretty much gone. Honestly, I don’t see how you can be so happy in a time like this,” I say with an annoyed tone. Her eyes narrow at me.
“That’s not what I wanted to say…I have some info about something that could help us restore the world,” she retorts. Suddenly, I rush over closer to her, a bright twinkle in my eye.
“Yes? What is it? You know something? Tell me! I have to know!” The words were rushing from my mouth faster than I thought possible. She takes a step back, with a weird look on her face. She was taken by surprise at my sudden interest.
“Uh…Okay! Just calm down, this is something that might be a little hard to explain. You know the ruins a couple miles outside of town? Well, a couple of guys were digging around, and they found a hidden passage way. They saw a faint glow coming from the end of the tunnel, but freaked out and decided not to go in. Now, being the genius that I truly am, I did a little research. These ruins were left by an ancient tribe of people where were interested in the art of magic and above all, time. It is said that they found a way to control time, and imbued that power into a stone relic. No one has been able to find it though, and it was thought to be a myth. I have a feeling that the glow the boys saw could be the stone. It could be what we are looking for!” She said excitedly. By now, my expression of joy was turning into one of disgust.
“…Kristina, you had my hopes up,” I said turning to leave again. “If you expect me to believe some story like that, you are sadly mistaken. Time travel, what were you thinking?”
I start walking when I feel something grab my sleeve. I turn around, getting ready to yell at Kristina to leave me alone already, when I stop cold. It wasn’t Kristina. Unless she can morph into a tall man with dark brown hair and cold, lifeless brown eyes, it definitely isn’t her…
“W-Who are y-you?” I ask timidly. The man stands there, holding my arm and glaring down at me intensely. I can feel myself shaking. Suddenly he raises he free hand in the air, preparing to strike me. I clench my eyes shut and brace myself, and when my arm that he was holding falls limp, I open my eye a little to see Kristina standing there with a worried expression on her face.
“Are you okay? You started freaking out and were talking to air,” she says feeling my face. “You don’t seem sick…Anyway, are you sure you don’t want to come to the ruins?” I stare blankly at her. Did she not see him? He was right there…How could she not have?
I try to regain my composure and when I do, I reply, “I don’t know. The whole story seems a little strange. I suppose we could check it out, but I really think it’s just a waste of time.”
Her expression brightens. “Let’s go then!” She shouts. I am suddenly being dragged along to the ruins. As I am being tugged, I think back to the guy I saw before. He seemed familiar…Like I had met him before. I wonder who he was.
We reach the ruins after several hours of walking. It wasn’t a pleasant walk, as Kristina kept babbling about how much she liked spending time with me. The whole time I kept trying to come up with way of understanding how she can be so oblivious to the disasters around her.
“Well…Here we are! There’s the passage way,” she says pointing to an opening in the ground. I stare into the darkness if it. It looks like an endless abyss, but from what I gathered from dropping a nearby rock in it, it is about six feet deep. I carefully let myself down, and drop from the ledge. The boys were right, there is a strange glow at the end of the tunnel, and it seems to be the only source of light. I can hear Kristina call to me from above. “You go get that thing, I’ll stay here. Someone has to be here. If both of us die, no one will know!” she says. As I let that comforting thought sink in, I walk a little further into the darkness. My foot hits something, and I hear a small click. The top of the tunnel starts to shake and I look back to see a slab of rock sliding over the place where I came in.
“s**t!” I say as I begin to run back. I try to get a foothold on the wall to climb back out, but it is no use. There’s nothing to grab onto. The rock has already completely covered the entrance. I hear a muffled voice that sounds like Kristina cry out, “Hold on Erik! I’ll get help!” I shout back to her, but there isn’t any response. She probably already went to get someone. I guess the only thing left to do is go towards the glow…
I walk for a bit, being careful of where I step. This place has already proven to have traps, and on top of that, it’s dark. Not the most ideal combination. When I make it to the end, I am flooded with a blue light. I look around. The chamber is huge, and right in the middle is a stone. I slowly step towards it, as if drawn by the sapphire hue it emits. I lay my finger on it, and everything seems to go dark. I feel the rush of wind, and the room turns white. I begin to feel dizzy as all colors rush around me. Suddenly, I fall. Darkness engulfs me once again.
What…is happening? I ask myself. I struggle to stay conscious, but I can’t.
This would be one trip I would remember for all of time. Literally.
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Was it any good? I know I had to have done something wrong, so please tell me what I can fix.
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Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 8:21 pm
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Quote: ...had been spotted. These ones did explode, and the reason... ~*~
To start, don't ever ******** do that again.
Moving on. =D
Your writing style still bothers me, and I'm still trying to figure out if it's natural or if it has the ability to be molded. Something catches my eye every time, and it did especially in your prologue. The "I did A. I did B. I did C and then did D. I did E." Have a little more variety. There are so many different sentence structures out there; make use of them.
There also seems to be something so...teenager-y, for lack of any better phrasing, about the way you describe things sometimes. I don't even know how to put it into words. I guess I'm just looking for something a little more professional-sounding. I know you'll get there some day, though, so don't stress that too much.
You're still having a few tense problems here and there, but they're not as bad as they used to be. Still, be sure to read over everything thoroughly. Bringing in personal preference for a moment, present tense makes me twitch.
A few punctuation errors, but nothing worth flipping over. The minute details and fine-tuning are for later.
Description is getting much better, but there are a lot of instances where you really could have used more. The trip to the ruins, for example. You have a couple miles to describe how you're feeling, what's going on, what you're seeing, and instead it was just, "We started to walk, then after a while we got there." The ruins seem to play a big part, and because of that, you really need to let the reader know what's going on.
One last thing. Go out and get yourself a thesaurus. There's more to speech than, "I say, I reply, I shout." Perhaps you whisper, or mutter, or exclaim. Maybe Kristina cries, or pipes up with, or screeches. That's just one example, too. There are many, many words in the English language. Use them.
That's all I've got at the moment, as I am tired and haven't eaten much today.
~*~ |
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Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 12:07 am
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I do not like the first two sentences of your prologue. I would break them up, or get rid of one. When they're back to back like that, it's very redundant. They both aren't needed. If it's dark, of course you're not going to be able to see. It's also a little weird to me that in the same paragraph, he is "shrouded in a thick blanket of darkness." Isn't it already dark? Can't he already not see? How would he even notice more darkness?
The second paragraph, you say you loosen your grip on the rock you had been holding, yet in the first paragraph, it's under your arm so you're not really holding it, are you? I'd change the first paragraph to holding the ore in your hand, because if you're running with a precious item, hitched under your arm doesn't seem like a secure choice, y'know? You say, "I study it in intently for a while," I am guessing that extra "in" is a typo, so get rid of it.
Quote: I think back to what had happened so far. All the images rush through my mind, and as they do, it feels like a fire is starting inside my stomach. I am living in a nightmare.
What happened? What are the images of? Including this, but not telling your reader what happened isn't very effective.
Quote: They are coming back this way, and I know who it is.
Explain how you know who it is (and maybe who it is if you can revel that information--was it the dude chasing you?), otherwise it just sounds silly.
When you suddenly feel as though you've been hit by a car, make that a new paragraph. It'd be more effective at the start of a new paragraph methinks.
Quote: My pursuer asks in a taunting tone.
The M in "my" should be lowercase.
Quote: and the man in front of my shouts something inaudible
In front of me
Quote: The glow begins to gain intensity, and soon, the whole alleyway in bathed in a blue glow.
I do not like the word "glow" twice in this sentence. Maybe it's just me being picky, but I'd switch it to "blue light" or "blue rays." Obviously, if you took my advice, you'd have to take out the "a."
Now to the Chapter...
Okay, aren't you Erik Copper irl? I would not advise using a character made and named after you in your writing. It'll just open you up to a lot of negative criticism.
I had to force myself to finish reading your journal entry. It was very dry. I hate journal entries in stories, and I know I am not alone in that. I'd make yours short, sweet, and to the point (because if the world is "pretty much gone" and everyone is in a panic--who has the time to write that long journal entry, much less read it?). What is an EMP? Don't use abbreviations without explaining them the first time you do. You cannot assume that all your readers know what this is.
Quote: I have some info about something that could help us restore the world
Please change info to information.
Quote: These ruins were left by an ancient tribe of people where were interested in the art of magic and above all, time.
Do you mean ruins or runes? This sentence just had me wondering...
Quote: It could be what we are looking for!” She said excitedly.
"She" should be lowercase.
Quote: I struggle to stay conscious, but I can’t.
This is impossible. Either you go unconscious or you don't. It's not some mind game that you can force yourself not to do. Most of the time when someone goes unconscious, it has to do with their blood pressure.
Anyway, I agree with Dris on most points. Your writing style also bothers me. Like Dris, I also thought your prologue was your strongest point. I'd even go as far as saying it was a nice prologue, albeit not grammatically perfect. Then you lose it all with that journal entry. I had to make myself finish your chapter, whereas at the end of your prologue, I was actually curious to read more. Not good.
Unlike Dris, I don't mind present tense, but it's a b***h to write in. Most novels are in past tense because it's simple. Easy to write, easy to read, everyone's happy. Present tense requires work. I just started seriously writing in present tense, and I always have to remind myself that I am doing it because I switch to past tense like it's my autopilot. I think you can keep your present tense, but you have to consciously be aware that you are writing in present tense, and not past. That said, you're not going to be using "said," but "say" or "says."
There are a lot of instances where you need to show your readers what is going on, and not just tell them. It'll make your writing stronger so it's not so bland.
Your first person POV also seems kinda strange to me. First person is hard because everything is through that one single character. I effing hate writing first person, but I LOVEEEE reading it, so I am kinda sad I didn't enjoy the actual story part of this more.
To be honest, the chick that writes the Sookie Stackhouse books writes THE BEST first person POV I've ever read. It's like she ******** is Sookie, but irl she is nothing like her. I'd read more first person POV novels if I were you, 'cause idk if I am feeling yours.
Also, the guy in the prologue = Erik?
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Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 12:13 am
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I also know that you crank out writing real fast, and I wouldn't comment on it if your stuff wasn't (for lack of a better word) half-assed. It isn't a bad thing to work on something for a while. I've spent weeks, even months, working on the same piece that could be small as under 5,000 words. All I am saying is that it might be a bit more beneficial to you and your writing if you spend more time on one thing, pampering it, telling it that it is a bad boy, coddling it some more, staring at it, getting to know it, yadda yadda, then quickly moving onto the next one.
I hope you don't take offense to that; I am not trying to flame you. I just think it'll do you a world of good if you really spent quality time on one piece.
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Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 7:05 am
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Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 8:25 am
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I agree with them pretty much especially with what Comfy said about naming the character after yourself. It's usually seen as a self-insert (which is very looked down upon) and slightly egotistical to put yourself into a story. It honestly just makes me think of all those horrible, horrible fan fiction where the fan girls write a story about them accidentally being transported into the cartoon/game/etc's world. It's then more about them fulfilling this fantasy adventure than creating a great story that makes sense. So, I'd be completely turned off the moment I found that out about the story and probably wouldn't read further unless it was the best writing I've ever read.
I'm not sure why you change your POV between the prologue and 1st chapter though. It just seems a little weird.
This might be nitpicky, but where did you character get a journal and pencil when everything around him is destroyed except for a few things?
Hitting on a few points the others didn't, your characterization is still iffy. He goes through so many different emotions in a matter of a page or so. He's depressed, then eager, then depressed, then really scared, etc.
Him being scared of some guy seems weird to me. He lived through the world being destroyed and seeing most of his family dead. He's probably gotten a little more of a hard personality than to be terrified of some guy. Wary, sure, but so terrified he's shaking? How does he then get the courage to go down in the ruins? How does he have the courage to not start sobbing in the prologue if he's that terrified of a guy?
Why does he even go down the passage? Moments before, he was telling the girl that she got his hopes up, indicating that he thought the thing they found to be s**t and not worth it. Why then risk it and go down except to continue your plot? That needs to be explained because it doesn't add up.
Then the odds of a group of guys going through the passage not triggering the trap but one guy just happens to hid that ooooone spot is probably not very high. Though I'm not sure why the person who made the passage would put such a tiny trap. If you make a trap, you make it so that there is a high change of it not being missed.
The last line doesn't make sense unless he's going to be immortal, but I'm assuming he will be aging normally throughout his time travel, so he would be remembering the trip throughout time, but not for all time (as he will die eventually).
And yes. Describe more, add in some details that may not be necessary to the overall plot but adds to the character's personality and flesh them out (and maybe adds believability to something that happens later) or the tone of the writing.
The journal entry is just painful. You describe in detail the anchor, but completely gloss over the actual explosion or his friends (which I would think he would be more detailed about because he misses them). You either need to add more detail to it overall or summarize it more. Detail would help if this has much to do with your story - like if he's going to go back and try to ~*SAVE THE WORLD*~ by traveling to a time before it and finding out some super secret plot by the evil guys chasing him that caused the explosion and stopping it.
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