This might actually be the best thing I have ever written.

[ecopper12]

I have gotten absolutely NO negative feedback on it so far, and I've shown it to a lot of people. They said it was amazing.

Even people I told just the plot too said it sounded awesome.

It's not done, but here's what I have so far:

Terminal

September 5, 2010

Hello, journal. You're really the only thing I can talk to right now, as it's lights out, and I'm supposed to be sleeping. We had the same gruel today as yesterday, so I suppose that's all you get here. It tastes like cardboard slathered with mayonnaise, and I don't like it. My cellmate seems to have no problem with it, but he seems like the type to eat anything, really. I can hear the bunk above me creaking now...

I thought about you-know-who today too, and I probably won't be able to sleep tonight either. I won't be able to sleep until I know he's okay. He's probably still at home waiting for me to come back to help him. He's sick and I'm the only one who can help him. I can't do that locked up in a prison cell, now can I? I just wish it hadn't ended up like this...

If he dies on me, I don't know what I'll do. I mean, he's my blood! My little brother is counting on me, and I just might have to let him down. No. I swear, I'll find a way out of here. I'll plan it. I have to. David, I'm coming home...!

Chapter One

“David? Are you ready for school yet? You're going to miss your bus!” a voice called out. When it received no response, it shouted once again, “David! Did you hear me? If I have to come up there, you won't be happy.”

Amanda Knight's face flushed red with anger. Her son always did this, but this morning she was going to put and end to it. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a hair scrunchie. If her son had seen this, he would have dropped what he was doing, and immediately did what he was asked. When Amanda pulled her blonde hair back, it was to prevent it from hiding her infuriated face. David knew first hand that her face alone could scare even the toughest of men into submission, as was evident by the work she had done on her husband.

She stomped upstairs while her morning slippers did nothing to dull the sound. “I warned you David! I told you if I had to come up here, you wouldn't like-” she started. She peered into her son's room, and drew in a sharp breath. A loud screech penetrated the air.

David's brother, Samuel Knight, heard the scream and hopped off of his spring mattress and landed on the floor with a padded thud. He dashed down the hallway towards the source of the scream, and found his mother standing in the doorway to David's room, shaking.

“Mom!? What's wrong? What happened?” Sam asked, trying to get his mother's attention. She slowly lifted a trembling arm, and pointed to the floor, where David lay sprawled out at an unnatural angle. His eyes were closed, and blood was pooled on the floor near his mouth.

Sam shouted for his mother to watch him while he called 9-1-1. He raced to the edge of the stair case and leaped over them and grabbed the cordless phone that was sitting by the couch. His fingers moved instinctively as he dialed the number he had been taught since first grade.

Almost immediately, the emergency operator picked up. David hardly waited for her to finish asking what the problem was before launching into an explanation. He tried to remain as calm as possible as he explained the situation, “My brother's injured, and he doesn't look conscious. He's got blood coming from his mouth, and my mother found him lying weirdly a few minutes ago, so I don't know how long he's been like this. We live in a house in the Barmen Estates development, our house address is 437 Turner Road. Please, hurry!” as Sam finished giving all the information and getting the word that an ambulance was on the way, he ran back upstairs to help his mother.

It was all a waiting game now.  

[PainfullyVivid]

It's not a bad compared to where you were before, but I wouldn't say it's amazing, unfortunately.

You always set up your stories with this first person journal entry or monologue section. Honestly, in most of your stories, it doesn't work. It doesn't add anything.

When I read your journal entry, your main character sounds like a teenage girl, not someone who is in jail (and thus would have to be an adult or pretty close), which would make them a little more mature than the average person anyway. So, I was kind of surprised it was a boy.

Also, the journal entry is kind of all over the place in the subject. It doesn't go into what most people would realistically go into. You don't have to put all the s**t that real people would put in there (because this a story, so your dialogue, story, etc should be realistic but also driven), but most people wouldn't be so vague in their journal entries. I know that it's suppose to be because you are building suspense but generally, withholding information from the reader doesn't really help much. Sometimes knowing makes the story better. Like the whole "you-know-who" just makes me irritated that you are withholding someone's name for no reason. Knowing their name doesn't change anything, even if I know the character later. I still don't know how it happens. Knowing the character is going to do something bad actually makes it more suspenseful because I'll be waiting for that defining moment. Withholding information so you can shove a twist in there that the reader doesn't expect is just irritating. The twist then comes from nowhere and everyone is just puzzled. You don't have to give away your plot, but you have to give the reader clues and hints about the person without bring too much attention to it (if the point of the story is suspense and benefits from that suspense).

The hair tie part just seems stupid to me? Since you can't set her up as a scary character before or after this part, someone being scared of their mother pulling their hair back is just ridiculous. Even if she is badass, it's her kicking a** that is scary, not her pulling her hair back. I don't know. I just didn't really get that part at all.

Also, if it's lights out, how is this guy writing in a journal? If it's lights out, he would get in trouble for any light he has one, assuming he is even allowed a flashlight.

Also, typo: "but this morning she was going to put an end..."

You also need to figure out grammar still. You put a bunch of commas where they aren't needed. There is also just some weird wording at a few places.

I also think that it's hard to figure out how good a story is when it is unfinished. I can't tell you if you started in the wrong place for your story, etc, etc if I don't know the point or plot.