Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hello and welcome to my new and current focus quest thread. This will be a quest for the Angeni of Motherhood (I'm pretty sure it's not taken, checked both lists, but if you see it, please let me know). This is in memory of my mother whom I lost when I was 16 - 5 years ago in June.

This thread will be filled with memories of her and the years I had with her and how I dealt with the loss (or in this case, didn't). I wanted to keep a memory of her in something I love and while it may seem silly to you, this shop is exactly the thing she would've loved.

I'm not begging for donations, but I'd love if you'd read my (and hers) story and share some fond memories of your mother.

The Struggle.

But things weren't always to be. When I was 3 years old, my father developed a drug habit; a habit which he would later put above his family and loved ones. My mother stood by him for 2 years, trying to make him change his ways. She had my brother in 93 and was 8 months pregnant with my second brother when he left. He took the car, all their savings, all her jewelery and left, leaving her to walk 5ks to work whilst 8 months pregnant because paying for a cab was not an option she could afford. When she was walking to work, he would drive past her and beep and wave.

Despite the hardship she had to go through, mum never gave up. She worked until 1 week before she gave birth to my brother Joseph and continued working a month after, leaving us children with our grandparents. She was stubborn and wouldn't accept defeat.

She always worked her hardest, until she fell sick. While working as a cleaner at a high school during afternoons, she witnessed a younger girl being bullied by 5 older students. Knowing the difference between right and wrong, something she always taught her children, Simone tried to stop them. They attacked her instead, causing a cerebral aneurysm that caused her to develop epilepsy. The symptoms were mild at first, she'd simply have blackouts and headaches.

It wasn't until I was about 6 that the seizures began. They were mild at first, of course I don't fully remember those ones, but as the years went on they came more and more frequently and more severe. The doctors gave her medication but it always made her tired and she refused to take it. She couldn't be tired when she had kids to look after.

In 1999, my little sister was born. She had a different father to me, a man mum had a year long relationship with who turned out to be bad news. Even though she has a different father to me, she's still my sister and I love her.

When my sister was a year old, mum had a car accident while she was taking her to daycare. She hit her head which caused her to have a seizure and ended up in hospital for a month. She had to have facial reconstruction on her nose and cheeks as well as false teeth put in. My sister, luckily enough, was unharmed.

When she was well enough, she had to go to court. Despite the fact that the driver who caused the accident was drunk, mum lost her license because they blamed her epilepsy and she would not regain it for 6 months.

It didn't stop her, she soldiered on.

The Depression

In January of 06, mum had another car accident, this one causing her no damage to her, but damaging the house of someone. The courts deemed her unfit to drive and she lost her license permanently. It didn't bother her at first, she simply caught the train and bus everywhere and relied on her family who were all too happy to help.

However, eventually it all became too much. Grocery shopping was hard, taking us to school was even harder and getting to work took her 2 hours. I could see it was upsetting her and I tried to reassure her as best I could, but I was only a child, I couldn't do much to reassure her.

So I helped out as best as I could. While she was working night shifts, I looked after my siblings, cooking them dinner, helping them with their homework and putting them to bed. When she was working early, I made the school lunches and made sure everyone got to school alright.

It was a lot for a 14 year old to do, but it didn't bother me. Mum was getting happier with some of the work taken off her shoulders. Then she lost her job. She spiraled down into depression and I watched, helplessly as she cried in bed for hours. In May of 2006, she tried to take her own life. Luckily, I found her in time and she was rushed to hospital and saved.

I had never been so angry in my life. I couldn't believe she would do something so selfish. I didn't speak to her for days when she came home. We stayed with my grandparents for a while and when we were sleeping on night, she appologised to us. My siblings told her it was okay, I pretended to be asleep. To this day, I regret not telling her I forgave her. I didn't hate her for what she did, I was disappointed that she would give up so easily, but I forgave her.

Things were okay for the next few weeks, a little shaky, but okay.

I never mourned over my mother. It wasn't because she wouldn't have wanted it, it's because I didn't have the time to. My siblings were relying on me now and I had to be strong for them. I put it behind me and moved on. 'It's a part of life,' I told myself. 'These things happen.'

We went to live with our grandparents. Mum had sole custody of us and it was in her will that we would go and live with them. However, if we wanted to live with our father, we were allowed to do so. None of us did. He'd been in and out of our lives and had never done anything for us. Why would we go to him now?

The night mum died, he promised us that he was going to be a father and that he wouldn't abandon us. A month later, he packed up and left without a word. We weren't surprised, we'd learnt to not hold our breath while waiting for him.

The loss of my mother hit us all hard, but my youngest siblings the most. My little sister was only 6, she was meant to know about death but not have experienced yet. She began acting out at school and despite constant begging from myself and my aunt's, my grandparents would not seek professional help for her. I consulted my school counselor and she wrote me a referal for my sister's school therapist. All it needed was my grandparents' signature.

I knew they would not give it, they were in denial about the whole thing and so I forged it. My sister began seeing the therapist twice a week and while she hated it at first, I began to notice the changes instantly.

My brothers and I were older and we shared the familiarity of having known mum longer. We held onto the memories we had and shared them with Kate to comfort her.

While my grandparents were great in raising us, we lived in a house that already had 5 people in it. Fights began and problems arose. My grandfather moved away for work and my aunty moved out, leaving my grandmother by herself. Once again, I had to take on the role of 'mother'. I raised my siblings for two years.

Because of this, my grades slipped. I began having troubles at school. Most teachers were understanding and when my grandfather came back, I was able to mostly catch up. However, a month before graduation, I fell sick and was hospitalized and missed all my finals. I was given the option of doing them in a week's time, giving me a week to study and do assignments. For a few days I tried, pulling all nighters. In the end it was too much and I was hospitalized for stress sickness and a nervous break down. At that time, I decided to leave school and go back when I felt ready.

My grandfather and I began to have problems and on one occasion, it became too much and I left home. I drifted from house to house, living with friends and working at waitressing jobs when I could. After a month, I couldn't take it anymore. I missed my family. I went back home and continued living there.

At the start of that year, I began talking to Christen again, who was my best friend for 6 years until we drifted apart. I was in love with him for 5 of those years, but since I was in high school I didn't notice until it was too late.

We began dating on the first of January and moved in together a month later. I was finally happy and I felt at peace. I had time to myself for once.

3 months after I left, my siblings went to live with my aunt. It became too much for my grandparents, especially when my grandfather suffered a second stroke.

They're still living there today and while we have our days where we're sad, we're all generally happy. Remembering mum doesn't bring us sadness, but happiness and laughter as we remember all the silly things she did.

We'll always love you, mum, nothing will ever change that. We know that you're watching over us.

Funds.

Thank you so much.

ty geko. s'okay it made me stronger.

CAUSE I'M STRONGER THAN YESTERDAYYYY