I like someone who is genderqueer

[xFullMoonForest42]

("ze" and "hir" are gender neutral pronouns)

I'm sticking a label on hir just because that will make it a bit easier for people to understand and hopefully give me some advise. I'm a transman and my gender expression is pretty androgynous. The person I like is genderqueer and is very masculine. I don't see any problem with us being together, but I guess I'm just a bit confused about my identity in the relationship.

My sexuality is kind of confusing, it's somewhere in between gay, I like guys, pansexual, bisexual, I like boobs, I like p***s, I don't like p***s, and a few other things but you get the point. I guess I've always wanted to just end up with someone who identifies as a binary man, but it wasn't because this is the only kind of person I like. It was because it was easier to explain to myself. I could just say "we're a gay couple."

But I really do like this person, but sometimes I worry that I'm doing something wrong. I hate to admit it, but I keep trying to imagine hir as more on the guy side. But I don't know if that's really how ze feels, so then I start feeling like crap for forcing a made up identity on hir. I know I should just talk to hir about it, but it's not something I want to talk about over the internet, and we don't get many chances to see each other in person. So I'm stuck just thinking about it...

I know I didn't really ask a question, but I'd like to hear your two cents about it.

If something confused you and you want me to clarify or elaborate just ask.

And I don't want to hear any hating on genderqueer individuals.  

[Next_Gen_AnT]

I'm just trying to wrap my head around this, and forgive me if I have it wrong. It sounds to me like you're way too focused on labels that you're forgetting what's really important, and that's the love and bond that you both share. What's labels anyway? a way of seperating us as people, I believe. If you really truly care about this person then that's the only thing that should matter, not whether it'll be easier or harder to explain off ur situation. Again, forgive me if I'm way off here, XD lol, I might have read what u wrote wrong. At the end of the day, if this is something that truly bothers you then you should talk to your partner and just be as truthful as you can be. And yes in person would be the best way to go about that, there's something about being face to face that just forms a better connection between people. Wow, I said quite a bit there, lol, but seriously I hope it all works out for the both of you. I hope I helped even a little bit. biggrin  

[Le Scratch]

I'll address your last line first; if you feel threatened enough to make such a statement you need to bring it up to the guild officers.

I'm inclined to agree with Next_Gen_AnT. You're ... sounding confusing and vague to me, to be honest, and what I can make sense of sounds like you're putting a huge deal on something that shouldn't really matter. People are people; ditch the labels and identity crap and treat yourself like an equal. The other person is just as equal in the relationship as you are; there is no lesser or greater power.  

[xFullMoonForest42]

I think I'm starting to figure myself out. I seem to be going back and fourth in between not caring about labels and stressing about how I don't fit into a label. Last night I was just stressed out and thinking too much. @.@ The two of us have actually talked about how labels suck before. This seems to be just a problem of my own insecurity about not fitting into a group as opposed to a problem with hir or our relationship.

I tend to answer my own questions, but regardless, thanks for the feedback.  

[godoftherain]

The unfortunate paradox about labels is that, idealistically, no, they should not matter at all.

However, in practice, they do matter, because they frame distance and relative relationships (I am an x and they are a y), which is generally how things work. Labelling and titling are two major ways that we see and organize the world around us.

So, I know that ideologically, the answer should be to say, "labels don't matter, love is above all of that." But I think that labels are in some levels important. They set expectations on how you should relate TO that person, which is exactly the conundrum you are dealing with.

However, the way that you define the idea of a "label" makes it seem like a fixed and permanent thing. I think that a label is important, but it is only a PROBLEM if it becomes a limiting factor.

I would argue that the assumed permanancy of the label is the problem, not the label itself.

But, at the end of the day, I don't think there's anything anyone here can say to help you. You need to sit down with your partner and have this discussion.  

[mndbnd]

xFullMoonForest42

("ze" and "hir" are gender neutral pronouns)

I'm sticking a label on hir just because that will make it a bit easier for people to understand and hopefully give me some advise. I'm a transman and my gender expression is pretty androgynous. The person I like is genderqueer and is very masculine. I don't see any problem with us being together, but I guess I'm just a bit confused about my identity in the relationship.

My sexuality is kind of confusing, it's somewhere in between gay, I like guys, pansexual, bisexual, I like boobs, I like p***s, I don't like p***s, and a few other things but you get the point. I guess I've always wanted to just end up with someone who identifies as a binary man, but it wasn't because this is the only kind of person I like. It was because it was easier to explain to myself. I could just say "we're a gay couple."

But I really do like this person, but sometimes I worry that I'm doing something wrong. I hate to admit it, but I keep trying to imagine hir as more on the guy side. But I don't know if that's really how ze feels, so then I start feeling like crap for forcing a made up identity on hir. I know I should just talk to hir about it, but it's not something I want to talk about over the internet, and we don't get many chances to see each other in person. So I'm stuck just thinking about it...

I know I didn't really ask a question, but I'd like to hear your two cents about it.

If something confused you and you want me to clarify or elaborate just ask.

And I don't want to hear any hating on genderqueer individuals.

Hold on, I'm trying to translate your label slang (no offense but it's a little confusing)

I'm sticking a label on him/her just because that will make it a bit easier for people to understand and hopefully give me some advise. I'm a transgender who was a woman, is now a man and my gender expression is pretty bisexual. The person I like is a transgender homosexual and is very masculine. I don't see any problem with us being together, but I guess I'm just a bit confused about my identity in the relationship. as in, you don't know if you're the "female" or the "male".

My sexuality is kind of confusing, it's somewhere in between gay, I like guys, all/any, bisexual, I like boobs, I like p***s, I don't like p***s, and a few other things but you get the point. I guess I've always wanted to just end up with someone who identifies as a twofold man, but it wasn't because this is the only kind of person I like. It was because it was easier to explain to myself. I could just say "we're a gay couple."

But I really do like this person, but sometimes I worry that I'm doing something wrong. I hate to admit it, but I keep trying to imagine him/her as more on the guy side. But I don't know if that's really how s/he feels, so then I start feeling like crap for forcing a made up identity on him/her. I know I should just talk to him/her about it, but it's not something I want to talk about over the internet, and we don't get many chances to see each other in person. So I'm stuck just thinking about it...

~~
Ohhh, now I understand your issue. I think you should stop caring about trivial issues such as that. I mean, why does it matter who's the guy?  

[Boaku]

Aw everyone was confused I'd like to write a massive reply. But I don't have much to say.

Gender is fluid my friend [: As transgendered I understand why your worried about gender identity. Maybe you should talk to your partner / this person you have feelings for?  

[FauxZombie]

The best thing to do, that I see it as, would be to actually set aside some time and actually talk to the person to get things clarified so that you're both on the same level of understanding.

It's no fun when you're stuck in confusion and trying to figure things out.


If anything, it shouldn't matter what they identify themselves as -- as Blinkie said, gender is fluid.  

[xFullMoonForest42]

mndbnd

xFullMoonForest42

("ze" and "hir" are gender neutral pronouns)

I'm sticking a label on hir just because that will make it a bit easier for people to understand and hopefully give me some advise. I'm a transman and my gender expression is pretty androgynous. The person I like is genderqueer and is very masculine. I don't see any problem with us being together, but I guess I'm just a bit confused about my identity in the relationship.

My sexuality is kind of confusing, it's somewhere in between gay, I like guys, pansexual, bisexual, I like boobs, I like p***s, I don't like p***s, and a few other things but you get the point. I guess I've always wanted to just end up with someone who identifies as a binary man, but it wasn't because this is the only kind of person I like. It was because it was easier to explain to myself. I could just say "we're a gay couple."

But I really do like this person, but sometimes I worry that I'm doing something wrong. I hate to admit it, but I keep trying to imagine hir as more on the guy side. But I don't know if that's really how ze feels, so then I start feeling like crap for forcing a made up identity on hir. I know I should just talk to hir about it, but it's not something I want to talk about over the internet, and we don't get many chances to see each other in person. So I'm stuck just thinking about it...

I know I didn't really ask a question, but I'd like to hear your two cents about it.

If something confused you and you want me to clarify or elaborate just ask.

And I don't want to hear any hating on genderqueer individuals.

Hold on, I'm trying to translate your label slang (no offense but it's a little confusing)

I'm sticking a label on him/her just because that will make it a bit easier for people to understand and hopefully give me some advise. I'm a transgender who was a woman, is now a man and my gender expression is pretty bisexual. The person I like is a transgender homosexual and is very masculine. I don't see any problem with us being together, but I guess I'm just a bit confused about my identity in the relationship. as in, you don't know if you're the "female" or the "male".

My sexuality is kind of confusing, it's somewhere in between gay, I like guys, all/any, bisexual, I like boobs, I like p***s, I don't like p***s, and a few other things but you get the point. I guess I've always wanted to just end up with someone who identifies as a twofold man, but it wasn't because this is the only kind of person I like. It was because it was easier to explain to myself. I could just say "we're a gay couple."

But I really do like this person, but sometimes I worry that I'm doing something wrong. I hate to admit it, but I keep trying to imagine him/her as more on the guy side. But I don't know if that's really how s/he feels, so then I start feeling like crap for forcing a made up identity on him/her. I know I should just talk to him/her about it, but it's not something I want to talk about over the internet, and we don't get many chances to see each other in person. So I'm stuck just thinking about it...

~~
Ohhh, now I understand your issue. I think you should stop caring about trivial issues such as that. I mean, why does it matter who's the guy?

Okay, I really don't appreciate you're "translation". If you wanted some clarification on what I meant, you could have asked instead of being a d**k about it.

And no she's not a he/she. You don't address a person as "he or she" or "he/she", that's just rude.

Also, I am not "a transgender", it's an adjective. And saying that I was a woman and then became a man is offensive to me.

"androgynous"=/="bisexual"

And the dilemma I was having not about who was the "guy". If you're were just going to attempt and fail to correct me, insult me and my partner, and say that my problems are illegitimate, then just don't say anything at all.  

[xFullMoonForest42]

Le Scratch

I'll address your last line first; if you feel threatened enough to make such a statement you need to bring it up to the guild officers.

I'm inclined to agree with Next_Gen_AnT. You're ... sounding confusing and vague to me, to be honest, and what I can make sense of sounds like you're putting a huge deal on something that shouldn't really matter. People are people; ditch the labels and identity crap and treat yourself like an equal. The other person is just as equal in the relationship as you are; there is no lesser or greater power.

To address your first line; considering mndbnd's response, it was worth saying and apparently unheard.

And if "identity crap" wasn't important to me, I wouldn't be transgender.

You're assumption that my confusion about gender identity pertained to one's power in the relationship concerns me. No matter what someone's gender is, they should be treated as an individual of equal worth.  

[xFullMoonForest42]

FauxZombie

The best thing to do, that I see it as, would be to actually set aside some time and actually talk to the person to get things clarified so that you're both on the same level of understanding.

It's no fun when you're stuck in confusion and trying to figure things out.


If anything, it shouldn't matter what they identify themselves as -- as Blinkie said, gender is fluid.

Thank you, and Blinkie, for you're helpful responses.

I did in fact talk things over with her and we have now been in a relationship for over half a year. smile  

[FauxZombie]

xFullMoonForest42

FauxZombie

The best thing to do, that I see it as, would be to actually set aside some time and actually talk to the person to get things clarified so that you're both on the same level of understanding.

It's no fun when you're stuck in confusion and trying to figure things out.


If anything, it shouldn't matter what they identify themselves as -- as Blinkie said, gender is fluid.

Thank you, and Blinkie, for you're helpful responses.

I did in fact talk things over with her and we have now been in a relationship for over half a year. smile

smile congrats, glad to hear you sorted things out  

[Ravyn457]

Can you just forget about labels and like them for who they are?  

[CheizLord]

well I dated two people who were genderqueer and (im a lesbian and so were they), and who was more dominant or who wore the pants or however you want to put it was just kind of...fell into place. I'd say if you really are concerned about these labels keep in mind that even in heterosexual couples the women can sometimes be the man in the relationship, so gender identity doesn't really matter.

taking labels aside, your place in the relationship isn't dependant on what gender or if not any gender at all that person identifies with anyway. it depends on the kind of person they are and how the both of you mesh together as a couple.

hope that helps.