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 Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 2:09 pm
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o8Orobouros8o Also, it's called protection, what sort of idiototic irresponsible ***** wouldn't use it?
"Confidence" is something I was implicitly including in the "good feeling" I mentioned. It's temporary and it wears off. I've seen enough people walking on clouds after getting laid, only to fall right back down after they don't get any for a while because "confidence" in itself doesn't always do the trick, especially if the problem in the first place isn't confidence or they're not one to take to keeping up their confidence. {Needy people, for instance, loose it very very quickly as they require a constant source to feel worth anything. A quick lay is not going to fix that.} Each person is different and has different issues regarding their success rate at establishing and maintaining relationships.
Getting laid also doesn't help those whose sole focus all along is acquiring and maintaining a serious relationship and don't care so much about the physical. Some people would rather spend their time and energy finding someone to spend the rest of their life with, or at the very least someone who will genuinely care about them and not just their genitals. Just because you or mister unnamed random person might have getting your jollies off pretty high up there on your priority list, doesn't mean others find it quite so important. People tend to have a variety of personalities and needs.
Sometimes it isn't even so much about being in a relationship or sex, but more so simply feeling left out. In such a case, all that's really needed is the knowledge that they are not alone and there is nothing wrong with being single {as I believe was kind of the point of this thread rather than advice on getting into a relationship}.
You may think I'm being negative, but I think of it more as realistic. While things may have worked out fine for you to a degree that you're satisfied with, that doesn't mean one nighters are good advice. It's more likely the one nighter was just a catalyst you felt necessary for breaking out of your shell, but wasn't necessarily as important in the overall process as you give it credit for. Getting a one nighter in the first place already requires some amount of boldness, so it's possible that it was obtaining it rather than the sex that fixed your problem. There are other ways to overcome shyness than jumping into bed with someone, such as attending social events, joining hobby-type groups, taking classes.... basically putting themselves in situations where they have to interact with other people rather than keeping to themselves.
And to go even more psychoanalytical on you, it's also possible you just push one nighters off as good advice to excuse your own behavior. After all, no one can claim what you've done is "promiscuous" if it's seen as a working, healthy, and perfectly legitimate problem solver for one's social issues. Nevermind the kind of psychological damage it can do to someone, as mentioning it at all is "too negative".
In my case, I met my spouse online and we've been married for 3 years now {will be 4 in November}... been together about a total of 7 years. I think it's a good way to truly get to know a person because the physical aspect {which you seem to be saying gets in the way} isn't even there. So you actually have lengthy conversations with this person and learn a lot about each other when otherwise the space may have just been filled with physical activity.
However, I acknowledge that this type of approach isn't for everyone because there is definitely risk, it requires a lot of honesty and trust from both partners, plenty of patience, and not everyone can handle the distance, uncertainty, and lack of physical contact.
Every method has advantages and disadvantages. When the disadvantages outweigh the advantages or doesn't suit the person's needs and personality, it's not worth the trouble and will cause more problems than solutions. |
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 6:45 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 7:25 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 7:43 pm
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No offense to anyone here but I think this thread was meant to open the floor to talk and be an open place for people who hadn't dated before...
There is an advice sub forum and...
this wasn't posted there 
just saying...
But just for fun to cover both side of this argument - I shall use me.
And to keep attacks down, since some seem to want to:
be insulted or be insulting
I will use bullets.
Now behold! The ever crazy 20's woman who defies logic!
This succubus demon angel monstrosity:
*has degree
*has hubby earning a PHD degree
*in her 20's
*still having fun
*been on many dates in her life (mostly while in college)
*has no baby making standard
*actually hates kids
*has a career started
*helping to help hubby get his career started
*has had one night stands in her past - BUT with very close friends, not randoms
*was the non attractive female of a group of 3, until college
*while being the non attractive one had very little attention paid to her (dating wise especially)
*was thought to be a lesbian until college since she is tall 
*got over all that and went for it when dating chances came along
*things worked out pretty well...
*still goes to anime conventions
*takes sister vacations without hubby
*takes trips to see both female and male friends with or without hubby
*takes regular vacations with hubby
So whatever, I'm happy and I didn't use anything to boost my confidence about getting asked out or a device to get someone to go out with me.
Life has a face value to me, I take what I get then I give what I can, until I can not rightly give anymore.
I married in my 20's because I said well damn I won't do better than this one while I was dating the hubby.
Moral: -I- think, find what works for you and then do that.
Come on after all no one is YOU if they were then...
TES is a guy - I mean you want him to act like a woman? At least he's a guy who's willing to be himself, that is the same confidence that you were alluding too earlier, no? Noone lets guys just speak their minds anymore, it's evil or something... When in reality, I'm way more evil than he is. So are we just here to stereotype things like the notion of a one night stand or what it means to be a pretentious a*****e? I hope not, because that's pretty boring....
And please accept that being married in your 20's DOESN'T make you a homemaker... If it did I would have run away by now.
As for everyone here who actually wanted others to talk to about being shy, sorry about this all. I hope you all find happiness and satisfaction in your lives. Everyone deserves to be happy 
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:06 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:18 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:50 pm
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o8Orobouros8o I do apologize for losing my temper, but i've been dealing with people using those very arguments to try and get me to quit school. I get a bit touchy about it at times especially when they start looking down on my major. I have nothing against people who want to get married early, I just don't think it's the right choice considering where I grew up and how many horrible marriages have come from getting married young in my hometown. I quit. I'm washing my hands of the whole damn thing.
For what it's worth, he was speaking from what was, by the sounds of it, a very high horse (which I'd say was, itself, standing on a soap box, to extend the metaphor) and very sanctimoniously telling you what you were doing was wrong, that you were viewing it wrongly, and that he knew better than you what was going on in your own head.
Not to escalate, throw fuel upon, or reignite a settled argument, but I think the only thing that you did wrong was to be a little too uncompromising in your stance. It was very easy to read that as him calling you a slut and you were right to be indignant and I rarely say this, but you were fully justified in losing your temper a bit.
Normally I'd have kept my mouth shut, but seeing everyone agree with him on this was just too much, after the implications that he appeared to be making. |
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 11:15 pm
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Matasoga o8Orobouros8o I do apologize for losing my temper, but i've been dealing with people using those very arguments to try and get me to quit school. I get a bit touchy about it at times especially when they start looking down on my major. I have nothing against people who want to get married early, I just don't think it's the right choice considering where I grew up and how many horrible marriages have come from getting married young in my hometown. I quit. I'm washing my hands of the whole damn thing. For what it's worth, he was speaking from what was, by the sounds of it, a very high horse (which I'd say was, itself, standing on a soap box, to extend the metaphor) and very sanctimoniously telling you what you were doing was wrong, that you were viewing it wrongly, and that he knew better than you what was going on in your own head. Not to escalate, throw fuel upon, or reignite a settled argument, but I think the only thing that you did wrong was to be a little too uncompromising in your stance. It was very easy to read that as him calling you a slut and you were right to be indignant and I rarely say this, but you were fully justified in losing your temper a bit. Normally I'd have kept my mouth shut, but seeing everyone agree with him on this was just too much, after the implications that he appeared to be making.
I'm sorry....but can you please point out EXACTLY where TES called her a slut? Because I'm not seeing it. Now as far as the OP goes...hun, if you ever need to talk, you just PM me or Leko....we'll be happy to listen to whatever you need to say. 3nodding |
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 11:22 pm
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katana68 Matasoga o8Orobouros8o I do apologize for losing my temper, but i've been dealing with people using those very arguments to try and get me to quit school. I get a bit touchy about it at times especially when they start looking down on my major. I have nothing against people who want to get married early, I just don't think it's the right choice considering where I grew up and how many horrible marriages have come from getting married young in my hometown. I quit. I'm washing my hands of the whole damn thing. For what it's worth, he was speaking from what was, by the sounds of it, a very high horse (which I'd say was, itself, standing on a soap box, to extend the metaphor) and very sanctimoniously telling you what you were doing was wrong, that you were viewing it wrongly, and that he knew better than you what was going on in your own head. Not to escalate, throw fuel upon, or reignite a settled argument, but I think the only thing that you did wrong was to be a little too uncompromising in your stance. It was very easy to read that as him calling you a slut and you were right to be indignant and I rarely say this, but you were fully justified in losing your temper a bit. Normally I'd have kept my mouth shut, but seeing everyone agree with him on this was just too much, after the implications that he appeared to be making. I'm sorry....but can you please point out EXACTLY where TES called her a slut? Because I'm not seeing it. Now as far as the OP goes...hun, if you ever need to talk, you just PM me or Leko....we'll be happy to listen to whatever you need to say. 3nodding
And to go even more psychoanalytical on you, it's also possible you just push one nighters off as good advice to excuse your own behavior. After all, no one can claim what you've done is "promiscuous" if it's seen as a working, healthy, and perfectly legitimate problem solver for one's social issues. Nevermind the kind of psychological damage it can do to someone, as mentioning it at all is "too negative".
The implication is subtle, but it's not exactly hard to see. He says (paraphrasing) "no one can call you promiscuous if..." He then states her view on it, which he has already stood staunchly against and said was incorrect (if not wrong). It's pretty easy, if you take this in context, to get that implication, even if he isn't directly telling her that she is a slut. |
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 11:27 pm
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:48 am
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My walls of text can get much larger wink I will conceded that she's completely justified in calling me an a*****e, because that I most certainly am and I will be the first to admit it.
However, this information about quitting school and looking down on majors has absolutely nothing to do with my arguments. As far as I can tell, the assumption was made that I was suggesting robouros needed to just settle down and get married, which wasn't what I was saying. Just jumping into marriage {or even just a serious relationship for that matter} isn't any better than sleeping around since it can potentially make someone just as miserable. However, there is no point in avoiding marriage just because you're a certain age if you find someone that genuinely makes you happy and you don't want anyone else, which is the case of some people who marry in their 20s like myself. But if you haven't found someone like that, then obviously marriage isn't right for you yet since that's kind of the point of marriage.
It isn't a person's age that determines whether or not their marriage will be successful, but rather the mindset of the people involved and their dedication to each other and their relationship. Some people are more in love with the idea of marriage and being in love than they are to the person they marry and supposedly love, which is a problem. It is the person that you have to feel for, not the concept.
Getting into too serious of a relationship with just anyone rather than carefully selecting just who you allow yourself to get so close to can leave lasting emotional scars if the relationship turns out badly. One could develop a dependency on being in a relationship as well as identity and self-worth issues, coming to believe that they are not "whole" unless they are in a relationship. As has already been stated in this thread, one needs to be content with themselves before bringing someone else into the picture. Relationships are not a magical cure for all of one's personal problems and can actually serve to intensify them.
Just as marriage and commitment {not to mention having children} isn't good advice for someone who isn't ready for that kind of responsibility, one nighters isn't good advice for someone who needs emotional support. It isn't a magical cure any more than throwing oneself into a relationship is and can breed just as many problems. The act in itself can even signify that one has issues that need to be addressed.
Getting psychoanalytical again:
Matasoga The implication is subtle, but it's not exactly hard to see. He says (paraphrasing) "no one can call you promiscuous if..." He then states her view on it, which he has already stood staunchly against and said was incorrect (if not wrong). It's pretty easy, if you take this in context, to get that implication, even if he isn't directly telling her that she is a slut.
I direct you to this:
o8Orobouros8o ...but i've been dealing with people using those very arguments to try and get me to quit school. I get a bit touchy about it at times especially when they start looking down on my major. I have nothing against people who want to get married early, I just don't think it's the right choice considering where I grew up and how many horrible marriages have come from getting married young in my hometown.
From this information, it's pretty apparent that she has been given a lot of flack and pressured into getting married in the past, making it possible that the preference for one nighters is in defiance of people telling her what to do. This isn't necessarily a good thing as acting purely in defiance still means others are dictating your life for you. Just instead of doing exactly what they say, you reliably do just the opposite. This of course leaves one open to being taken advantage of.
The quote in question was more so me pointing out one possible thought process. The fact she got very defensive about her choice of advice after my first post goes to show that she has some type of insecurity about it, likely brought on by what others have said to her before or what she expects others to think about her behavior.
And since this point might be lost if I don't explicitly state it, the psychoanalysis portions aren't meant to be insulting {though I can honestly say I don't care if someone feels insulted by them}. Recognizing patterns in one's thought process and pointing it out to them can incite introspect, allowing one to come to better understand what they are doing and why they are doing it as well as reassess whether or not it truly is in their best interest. Many people think and act a certain way with no conscious thought as to why, not realizing how much of it is a programmed reflex that was developed over time.
It's not a sign of being uneducated nor am I implying such. It is incredibly common amongst people of all walks of life. Some people just don't feel the need or figure they don't have the time to sit down and thoroughly contemplate life. However, when one is more aware of what they are doing, it is much easier to make sound decisions and think through their problems as well as gives them a better understanding of people in general.
And just to throw this out there, I have personally done one nighters before and have done the "friends with benefits" thing as well. I didn't need those experiences to tell me what I wanted out of a relationship or what kind of person I would be looking for. I already knew and these women just didn't fit the bill. I also had no real plans or concerns for the future at the time and was only thinking of the "here and now".
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 12:50 pm
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Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 6:44 am
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