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I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, and if it isn't, please point me to the right one. 3nodding
This entire mess started on New Years Eve, when I asked my BFF if we could kiss for the ball drop. I don't remember WHY I asked, but I remember there being SOME tension between us before hand. Anyways, the entire month of January was us constantly flirting with each other. Love notes, etc were sent. By the fifth on February, we were officially together. The usual relationship stuff happened. The girl said that she was fine and ready for everything that we did (just making out and necking, nothing more). The day after that happened, we had a big fight. However, we made up by the end of the weekend. The week that followed, a mutual best friend of ours told me that she wanted to slow down. I was extremely relieved, due to her acting very weirdly. I was just happy that I knew what was wrong. Now, me and her exchanged passwords earlier, and gave eachother permission to see eachother's accounts. For some reason, I decided to look at her PM's. I found out she was cheating on me.
In these PM's, she was cybering, telling the guy that she wasn't bisexual or lesbian, and that making out with me "disgusted her". I threw a giant fit, which settled off in a few days. We got back together. Then, low and behold, she cheated. Again.
By this time I was suicidal. I told her this, and she freaked out. She swore that she'd never cheat again. But the damage was done. I found out that she told a DIFFERENT guy that she, again, found making out with other girls to be disgusting. I was cutting myself, not eating, and throwing fits everyday.
The rest of the relationship was composed of some good times, but mainly fights and hard feelings because of what happened. Two weeks ago she broke up with me, asking to be just friends.
IDK what's wrong with me now. I mean, I can talk to her fine. But I'm still depressed. She was my first girlfriend, and possibly the only one I'd ever have through out high school. Before everything happened, I used to do typical teenage girl things. Fantasize about romantic tales involving me, that I secretly always wished would come true. Now, I never even think about happy relationships. I've been day dreaming about moving away, though, when college rolls around. Like, picking up an entire new identity, and starting my life over. That is, after I come out to my family and friends and stuff, which will either fuel or diminish those wants. I'm still cutting myself, though not as often as before. I've been wanting to try out bulimia, and still haven't been eating exactly right. Even through all of this, I still day dream about me and this girl being together. Kissing, cuddling, and doing things with her that nobody should be thinking about their best friend.
So is there any way to get over this? She's my best friend (and I don't have many) and I see her atleast once every other week, so distancing myself would be hard. How can I stop having these feelings?
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