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 Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 7:07 pm
Atrum's Journal
Entry 1 A little about me first: I'm an unemployed student in High School (senior). I'm 17, almost 18. I'm gay and out to all of my friends, but not my family (except for my sister). I'm single . . . very single . . . and I've never been in an actual relationship. Right now, I have a guy on my mind. We can call him David. David is close to my age, plays guitar, is really nice and funny . . . has a girlfriend . . . >.< Did I mention that he's hot as hell? Anyway, he identifies as straight, and probably is straight. I'm crushing on him really hard. It's annoying because I know that I have close to no chance with him, considering the circumstances. Plus, even if he did turn out to be bisexual, why would he turn to me? Have any of you guys been in this sort of situation? I know it's just a silly crush, but there's really nothing that can be done, right? Being single and a hopeless romantic is always annoying. Even worse, I'm crushing on another guy at the same time: 'Ryan'. David usually comes to my mind first, since I see him frequently (he's in three of my classes), though realistically, Ryan is a better choice. Ryan is a few years older, but he's also got a great sense of humor. We get along fine, plus he gives off the gay vibe. Regardless, he's shown no real interest toward me in particular, and if he's gay or bi, he's way in the closet. Crushing really sucks. P.S. Straight women always say, "All of the good ones are either taken or gay." Where are these gay men?! gonk
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Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:28 pm
Atrum's Journal
Entry 2 I found out yesterday that one of my guy friends is getting married in two months, and I'm invited. I was like, "Isn't that a bit short notice?!", to which he replied, "Well, it's not like you have to be the priest or anything." -_- Anyway, I've never been to a wedding before, and I'm really excited that my first will be a good friend's. It might be a bit awkward, considering that I'll only know the bride and the groom (and my sister, if she comes, too), but whatever. I can deal with a bit of awkwardness for a new experience. I'm also going to the bachelor party: not the typical drinking-beer-and-going-to-a-strip-club sort of bachelor party, but one involving paint ball and go-karts. And drinking. XD Though, since I don't really like alcohol, I doubt that I'll be the drunk of the party or anything. This is so weird! Someone my age is getting married, and I've never even been in a relationship! This is such a big b***h slap in the face: not only am I a loser, but soon, I'll be an adult loser. lol I won't even be 18 by the time of the wedding. gonk
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 7:01 pm
Atrum's Journal
Entry 3 How do you guys deal with grief? I don't really seem to feel it. I cried when my dog died on my thirteenth birthday, which was odd, since I've never really missed him since. That may sound cruel, but I just don't miss people. I think I only cried then because grief was new to me. I was trying to wrap my head around death. Is death the next room of life? Will the dead be waiting for us in the next life? Or is death the point at which we never see the people we held affection for again? That was the sort of thing going through my mind. And I was siding with the latter. But for some reason, when my great aunt died, an extraordinary woman, I didn't cry at all. Even though she was a wonderful person to be around, my grief was so little it actually annoyed me that my family seemed so depressed over it. It's not like I couldn't fathom why they would be sad, but I guess it just bothered me that they let it overtake their lives a bit. Like I was trying to say, "Yeah, you can be miserable, but don't let it rub off on me." Though that's pretty selfish. But it's not like I'm an emotionally dead person. I'm a vegetarian, if that gives you any idea. I cry when I watch movies, so why not when real people die? There are only five people that I would truly miss after death. Five. My parents don't even make the cut. Of course, if everyone I knew but those five people died, I think I would be pretty miserable, but I'm thinking in terms of individual deaths. Anyway, my dog is dying and my grandpa is dying. To be dreadfully honest, I'll be sadder if my dog dies than if my grandpa does (maybe I only grieve for dogs and fictional characters). I'm a horrible person. blaugh EDIT: My dog died. I had my little cry, and it was really sad watching her go to the vet to be put down, but the day after was almost as if it never happened for me.
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:12 pm
Atrum's Journal
Entry 4 I've had several epiphanies today. For example, there are really two types of crush: Physical and Logical. A Physical crush, where the attraction is dominantly superficial. The sexual attraction is prominent, and of the two, this is usually the more hopeless. My Physical crush is David. Logical crushes are the result of a subconscious calculation of a person's relationship potential and personality versus yours. You decide, "Hey, we would make a good pair," and thus push yourself to have an emotional attraction. Logical crushes can also be any crush created out of some subconscious ulterior motive. My Logical crush is Ryan (well, really a mix of the two, but mostly Logical). I didn't include true love in the crush list, because if you really love someone, it's not much of a crush, is it? Does this hit home with anyone?
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Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 7:40 pm
Single Single Single + Hopelessly Crushing and a Hopeless Romantic * Never been in a relationship = Me too.
At least you're 18 and you're not that....far off the end. I'm 22 and I've never been on a date, unless you count planning a 4+ hour long phone conversation with your international crush that you've known through the internet for over 4 years a Date.....maybe. I look forward to them and always fall asleep smiling.
P.S. Straight women always say, "All of the good ones are either taken or gay." Where are these gay men?!
They're everywhere, but they're so far apart they never run into each other. :/ Like...Styrofoam beads in a plastic cup they all stay away from each other.
You're not an Adult Loser. Those guys are the ones that sit in front of their computer, never clean and have either a bottle of beer or Mountain Dew within an elbow swivel. Hopeless Romantics are never Losers. They just can't get the right rolls.
*pats you* its ok I don't cry for people's misfortune most of the time. I'm absolutely terrible when it comes to being sympathetic with people. You're not horrible. Crying over people isn't the only meaning of 'Grief' if it were then I'd probably would have been kicked in the rear end so many times I'd never be able to sit. You're respectful.
Hey if you feel you're terrible. I feel sadder for the strawberry plant I killed because I forgot to water it, than my best friend telling me that she just got dumped by her boyfriend.
You're starting to sound like a philosopher here! Ah was was it? Spiritual and Physical Love that was....Plato? I think so! You're philosophy sounds pretty good but it needs work. Look into Platonic Love. It might enlighten you. You'd still have to work the emotional attraction without the sexual attraction, whereas the crush is highly mentally processed without the physical interaction or physically socially interacted.
>>Hey David, I've thought about it. And after a lot of thinking and a few epiphanies. You're my Physical Crush, but not to worry....you're not my Logical Crush.
Don't say that. In my experiences philosophical epiphanies never work as a woo factor. Though dork factor yes it does work. biggrin Like my "Forever Mate" concept.
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Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 6:48 pm
Atrum's Journal
Entry 5 Update on "David" (Entry 1). One of my best friends recently told me that she thinks that he is gay. And I almost shat myself. Her reasoning is fairly solid (by "fairly solid", I mean overwhelmingly steeped in untrue stereotypes): she claims that he must be gay because he dresses so well (as he does), because he has so many girl friends (as he does), and because there's a rumor that he sucked some guy's d**k (he disclaimed this himself, in a very steady, non-defensive, honest-sounding way, though). He's also very accepting of gay people. On top of this, I might add, you can not find a single photo of him on Facebook where he is kissing his girlfriend. I've never seen him kiss his girlfriend either, but that's because she goes to a different school. Needless to say, this gives me lots and lots of false hope, sexual fantasies, and spiraling depression. blaugh I really should stop getting my hopes up, because even if he is gay or bi, he's close friends with another really nice gay guy, whom I would then assume he has a crush on. All hypothetical, of course. Of course. Edit: @Hugel: Thanks for the comments. ^^ I feel less alone.
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Posted: Mon May 09, 2011 2:33 am
Atrum's Journal
Entry 6 QUICK ENTRY! Saturday was the Kentucky Derby, which, in Kentucky, is a big thing. That being said, I know that it's fairly well-known nationally and even internationally. In Kentucky, though, nobody doesn't know what it is, or generally when it is. Anyway, we had a Derby party, and I was disappointed that two of my aunt's friends, a gay couple, didn't come. I have to wonder if they were even invited; it may have been an issue because of some of the other guests. Would my grandpa be okay with it? Probably not. How sad. On another note, congratulations, Animal Kingdom. You should have placed second though, because then I would have won money. -_- And on yet another note, only a few weeks after my dog's death, we have a new dog. Storm, a Siberian husky/Norwegian elk hound. We just got him yesterday, and so far he's a really great dog. We'll see. ninja
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 5:59 pm
Atrum's Journal
Entry 7 Facebook David went from being "in a relationship" to "single" It really makes me giddy. And hopeful. I know that I shouldn't be, because this is a crush. Those in crushes get crushed. Regardless, I can't help but want him to like me. I commented on one of his statuses, which apparently made him laugh, because he replied, "You're fantastic." Of course, that's really typical of him; he hands out You're-Awesome's like candy. It still make me happy and excited, though. But look at me. I'm gushing. GUSHING. In other news, I was asked at my lunch table whether I'm a top or bottom, so I got some fun out of it and made them wait until the next day to answer. The next day I went up to the asker from behind while he was in the middle of a conversation and screamed, "BOTTOM!" in his ear. It was hilarious because he didn't notice until he finished his sentence. I feel so evil. XD
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Posted: Fri May 27, 2011 7:22 am
biggrin Hey, its "you're fantastic" and not "You're awesome"
Man, now I'm feeling hopeful for you too.
ahh!!! I can't move from all the hearts that are gushing out of your head! heehee
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Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:41 pm
Atrum's Journal
Entry 8 So, school's over, and I have no idea if I'll ever see David again. But for some reason, I'm not really torn up about it. I finished my freshman orientation today for the university I'm attending in the fall, and it was awesome. There's a GSA-like program, Common Ground, and the whole place feels so accepting. I'm just not worried about being alone anymore. . . . And I'm excited. smile @Hugel: Thanks for commenting! Sorry to say that a lot of the gushiness has gone, but that doesn't mean there's no hope! Who knows what fate has in store. . . wink
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Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:16 pm
Atrum_Anima Atrum's Journal
Entry 1 A little about me first: I'm an unemployed student in High School (senior). I'm 17, almost 18. I'm gay and out to all of my friends, but not my family (except for my sister). I'm single . . . very single . . . and I've never been in an actual relationship. Right now, I have a guy on my mind. We can call him David. David is close to my age, plays guitar, is really nice and funny . . . has a girlfriend . . . >.< Did I mention that he's hot as hell? Anyway, he identifies as straight, and probably is straight. I'm crushing on him really hard. It's annoying because I know that I have close to no chance with him, considering the circumstances. Plus, even if he did turn out to be bisexual, why would he turn to me? Have any of you guys been in this sort of situation? I know it's just a silly crush, but there's really nothing that can be done, right? Being single and a hopeless romantic is always annoying. Even worse, I'm crushing on another guy at the same time: 'Ryan'. David usually comes to my mind first, since I see him frequently (he's in three of my classes), though realistically, Ryan is a better choice. Ryan is a few years older, but he's also got a great sense of humor. We get along fine, plus he gives off the gay vibe. Regardless, he's shown no real interest toward me in particular, and if he's gay or bi, he's way in the closet. Crushing really sucks. P.S. Straight women always say, "All of the good ones are either taken or gay." Where are these gay men?! gonk I get into this exact situation all the time D: I feel for you my friend! sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 12:58 pm
Atrum's Journal
Entry 9 Alright, so I haven't posted anything else in a while, because nothing extremely eventful or gay-related has happened up until now. I turned 18, got my driver's license, and college is crawling closer, but I'm taking these things in stride. For those that are wondering about Ryan and David, they've both taken the backseat in my mind. I've found that Ryan can be a bit rude, and I haven't heard from David since . . . Oh, yeah! I saw David at a graduation party since school's let out. He was there with either his girl-best-friend or potential-girlfriend, and kept himself within a tight group of friends. No chance to talk to him at all. However, it did yield some more evidence that he could be gay or bisexual; if the girl he came with wasn't his potential-girlfriend (and nothing on Facebook seems to confirm that she is his girlfriend or anything), then it would seem he has plenty of friends that are girls. I know it's a bit of a stereotype, but it really does seem that guys with lots of girl friends (including myself) are gay. Though, again, even if he was, I don't have my hopes up. Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was one of my guy friend's brothers (this already sounds bad, doesn't it?). We'll call him, for lack of a better name, Eric. And we'll call my guy friend Dean. I've known Dean since kindergarden; I hated him, then, because he was purposefully the most annoying kid in class. He remained so for years, until he finally calmed down a bit in middle school, at which point we became friends. He's continually settled down since, and now we're quite close. But he has a brother; An openly bisexual older brother (unbeknown to Dean, I believe) named Eric. I felt attracted to him immediately. Not necessarily in a sexual way, though he sort of emanates a fiery energy without meaning to. I've met him twice, and each time my mind is strained to be too polite, laugh much too loudly at funny things, and think of funny comments when appropriate. I can't truly know how much of my attraction to him is in my head (as crushes are deceivingly cunning), but Eric filled my brain for a week after both meetings. Am I counting on something to grow from this? Nope. Would I like something to? Honestly, yes, because I value love more than anything else, even friendship. But we'll see . . . @Duct Tape Trap: I know! Crushing on someone when they can't feel the same (or if you have no clue if they could feel the same) is so annoying. (Thanks for commenting, btw)
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Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 9:20 pm
Atrum_Anima Atrum's Journal
Entry 1 A little about me first: I'm an unemployed student in High School (senior). I'm 17, almost 18. I'm gay and out to all of my friends, but not my family (except for my sister). I'm single . . . very single . . . and I've never been in an actual relationship. Right now, I have a guy on my mind. We can call him David. David is close to my age, plays guitar, is really nice and funny . . . has a girlfriend . . . >.< Did I mention that he's hot as hell? Anyway, he identifies as straight, and probably is straight. I'm crushing on him really hard. It's annoying because I know that I have close to no chance with him, considering the circumstances. Plus, even if he did turn out to be bisexual, why would he turn to me? Have any of you guys been in this sort of situation? I know it's just a silly crush, but there's really nothing that can be done, right? Being single and a hopeless romantic is always annoying. Even worse, I'm crushing on another guy at the same time: 'Ryan'. David usually comes to my mind first, since I see him frequently (he's in three of my classes), though realistically, Ryan is a better choice. Ryan is a few years older, but he's also got a great sense of humor. We get along fine, plus he gives off the gay vibe. Regardless, he's shown no real interest toward me in particular, and if he's gay or bi, he's way in the closet. Crushing really sucks. P.S. Straight women always say, "All of the good ones are either taken or gay." Where are these gay men?! gonk ok well i feel like commenting razz so ill do a short one per entry entry 1- neither have i ^^; also ikr it sucks xD entry 2- well if it helps, i dont think most people are married at 18 xD entry 3- im the same way honestly. there are just some things that should be sad to me yet aren't (or at least i don't show it and this is not intentional) entry 4- i guess your right, but i would say that they can possibly be combined . and as for love, you would have to know the person quite well for it to be true love imo entry 5- hm, i dont know him irl of course but the description she gave doesn't make him definitely gay imo. entry 6-thats sad and congratulations on the new dog biggrin so how is storm so far? entry 7- xD im like that too in that it doesn't take much for me to consider someone awesome *hands out awesome candy* also lol entry 8- cool biggrin entry 9- cool (ur 2 years older than me xD) i still have yet to get my driver's license cause im lazy lol i have alot of friends that are girls as well ^^; and thats good, i hope u 2 can become at least friends biggrin
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