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 Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2011 3:15 pm
So yeah I don't care if people read or comment on this. mrgreen
April 7
So a lot of things have been on my mind since last sunday. For the first time in a few years my best friend texted me. He asked me if I wanted to hang out. I said yes to his request and we made plans to see the movie Paul. It's not the fact that we hung out that's bothering me, but more of the fact that I haven't talked to him since he dated this girl. She hated me and I didn't even know her. My friend used to be the one I could count on, and while he was with this girl, he also ignored me. I figured it would pass as I am used to loosing friends metaphorically and physically. Then two years went by, and he still wasn't talking to me. I missed him dearly as the school years went on. It almost seemed like we would never talk again.
Then that sunday he texted me. We ended up going on with our plans, but something felt different. I don't really know what it was. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it really. I'm afraid I might be in love again, but the last time I was I ended up being hurt badly (it wasn't due to the breakup). I remember my ex telling me that I was not good enough for him, that there were things about me that just didn't fit right together. I know the feeling of inadequacy well as I am not enough for anyone. My father judges me a lot and if I do not meet the expectations, I am shamed. This friend of mine is the boy I remember watching Kim Possible with as a kid, and as we grew older I knew he liked me. When he asked me out I wasn't ready for a relationship and I told him that I didn't want to go out. Since then it has been different between us.
Now I am sitting here pondering why I am feeling different or why I had so much hate for the girl he dated. I almost lost him, yes, but why hate? I'm not a hateful person, nor do I fight. I simply am passive and somewhat submissive when I know I have no say or power in a situation. Otherwise I am empathetic and feel what others feel. It's strange to feel my own emotions again. But still I remain confused.
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Posted: Fri May 13, 2011 4:54 pm
May 13
So my life has taken its normal tole again. As soon as I came back from traveling over seas to France everything began to pile up. I don't knwo why I thought it would be any different. It seems my friend is acknowledging me again but he hasn't asked to hang out again...I wonder if it was because it felt awkward to be around each other. It's sad to think that might be part of the truth.
But back on the topic of France; I was in a small group of six counting the adult that traveled with us. We were the oddest bunch seeing that none of us were really friends, but we still got along. There was this guy there who traveled with me. My parents claim that I know him, but even though I try I cannot seem to recall where we had met. I know that he is the son of my sister's swim team coach, and that she would bring this boy to the meets; dad says that we used to be playmates as toddlers. But is it strange that I have caught him watching me now and then? It would be at times where we would all be sitting waiting to go to dinner; the rest of the group was around and sometimes I would catch him looking in my direction, but as soon as I caught him he looked away. I was a little curious about why, but I never brought it up. I know he has a girlfriend, but I still thought it was strange. I guess maybe I've been thinking it over too much.
Today my mother pointed out to me that he was watching me as I left for the bus to head to my last block of the day. I wonder if this is some sort of weird connection we have because he could be the friend I've had the longest, but nearly forgotten about. Or maybe he was hoping I would say hi to him like I have been every day I've noticed him around? I've gotta say that it is unusual...
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Posted: Fri May 13, 2011 6:11 pm
ur life is interesting lukcy going to freance! ...and yes that weird ive cuahgt two guys every once in a while looking at me .....> <;
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