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College years. What I aspired to all of middle and high school. To get the hell out of my house with my abusive family and into a community that accepted me. Everything was set to go to a state university, and then...
...I realized I had no money.
So I ended up going to my county's community college. Besides feeling like a total failure, I still live at home, am still single (gay man in a conservative town), and am miserable with my empty social life. All my friends are away at colleges succeeding in life. I go to classes that I have no care for, and my work ethic has been dropping like a lead weight to the point where I am failing classes simply because I cannot be bothered to give effort. I work 20-30 hours a week at a department store to save money for a four year college, but almost all of my money goes to tuition, gas, and food. My job is miserable, my school is miserable, and I have no friends around. Community college is a place where people go to class then gtfo. Nobody tries to make friends, and the clubs are horribly unpopulated. And I have no time for the one thing that makes me happy: theatre. All thanks to my pain in the a** job schedule. I've missed all the local productions trying to work and succeed in this world. Meanwhile my friend who I adore, but is a total good-for-nothing, has been going to the same school with vastly different results. He doesn't have to pay for his schooling, so he has all the free time in the world. He loves his classes and is in all the productions, and has made contacts with some high-level directors and theatre agents in the process. Contacts I would've made had I not been working my a** off, and trying to have a backup career instead of the arts. I'm happy for him, but he unintentionally rubs it in my face so much and it pisses me off. My home life is a mess, I never see anyone outside of school and work, I am so depressed that I literally have to practice smiling before going into work because it is that foreign of a feeling to me, happiness is. While I am stuck in this rut, everyone around me seems to be moving on and I'm falling behind.
I had taken this as a part of my life that I just needed to deal with and get through. There's no way to change it, I just have to muddle through. That's what I thought. But I can't do this much longer. At this rate I'll fail out of school not because I am unintelligent, but because it's hard to motivate yourself to write a paper when you can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning other than to get back in at night. My life is work I hate, school I hate, sleep, and repeat. I don't even know who I am anymore or what I want, I just know I want out of this problem.
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