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A little novel of mine, do you mind taking a look?

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Roharu Eruna

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:29 pm
This is my very first chapter of the novel:

Awakening*

Subjects: Magic, supernatural, religion, action.

Please, feel free to comment or tell me what do you think. Since I'm a Mexican, then I guess I could have committed a mistake or two in the grammar sweatdrop

Also, please give me advice, if you can, of the development in this chapter. I know I'm not perfect at all when it comes to this kind of things.


Mystic Legend

Chapter #1: Awakening


Imagine a room of a common teenager, an Xbox and a Wii consoles under the TV, a huge desk filled with books and a laptop right next to the bed. A boy sleeping in his room, all that can be heard is the sound of the air conditioner. A wide window on the other side of the bed, showing an amazing view of the lights in the city. The boy has dark hair, black eyes, white skinned, wearing a blue pajamas. At normal sight, he was average height and built, although quite slim.

As the night proceeds, a dark veil starts appearing from beneath the bed, little by little consuming the room; the boy suddenly clenches his fists while sleeping, closer the darkness moved towards him, more accelerated his breathing was… little by little the boy starts opening his eyes, all he could see now was a chair in front of him. The boy wakes up completely, disoriented. As soon as he was capable to stand up, he couldn’t articulate a word about what was happening. He sits in the chair, like following some sort of command that he heard without actually anyone there, a light appears in front of him right after he sits. The boy closed his eyes for a moment after feeling the sudden shine. A table materialized out the light, together with a hooded man, black clothes all over him; some sort of aura was around him. The boy could only distinguish his mouth and hands revealing he couldn’t be more than 30 years old, he has white skin, too smooth for the boy to actually believe it was adult. The man took a sit right in front of him, while the table that lies in between materialized a couple of tea for them.

“So, can you tell me your name, young lad?” The man spoke, his voice was light, quite hard to listen but clear enough to comprehend. “I know you are not the communicative type, but even you should know that it is a good way to gain information over the other person. In exchange of some of your, of course.”

There was no logic behind this, but still the boy answered as normally as possible. “My name is Roharu… yours?” No amount of self-confident would be of any help, he was feeling quite insecure, still trying to see beyond the darkness, without luck.

“So, you want to know about me after all?” The man said smiling slightly.

“My name in exchange of information… right?” Roharu answered in a demanding tone.

“Hehehe… Sure. My name is Herenoys” He said while putting some sugar on his tea. “So, you don’t seem to like tea, do you?”

“I prefer coffee… Where am I?” Roharu said getting a little impatient, while it is true he was scare of the situation, he couldn’t stop thinking that this was just a dream. It was a weird sensation, like if he knew he was dreaming but at the same time it felt so real. A really vivid dream that won’t stop being inside of Roharu’s head for some time.

“Good question, but since both of us have questions to do to each other, I suggest, emmm… Well, how about we play a game? One question each, I will start, since I was the one who invited you here” Herenoys answered, anxious to begin with a conversation with Roharu, which makes no sense for the kid. Where they related somehow, or could be just his subconscious playing a trick to increase his already shattered self-esteem. Regardless of this, Roharu tried to get along with it.

“Do I have a choice? Besides, you got it wrong. I’m supposed to be first because I’m the invited. And at top of that, you were the first one is ask a question, so technically, it is my turn” Roharu said, looking forward to try and outsmart this person. If this is a dream, the least he could do is apparent to ‘win’ in it, right?

“Oh really, I never thought it like that. But anyway” Roharu was about to protest but Herenoys lift his hand and shows Roharu a signal of silence “I know few things about humans… commonly someone will be a little crazy from appear in a place like this so suddenly… why you haven’t react naturally?”

“Trust me, took me sometime to comprehend my situation. I can either go crazy or talk with the only person I can see” Roharu said sarcastically. “So, it is my turn now, right. Why do you bring me here?”

“That is simple. I need to learn from you. After all we are going to be together for a long, long time” Roharu’s eyes widened and was about to say something but Herenoys lifts his hand as a signal to calm him down. “My turn boy, don’t worry. You will have your ‘new’ question answered. Now, how are you going on school?”

“Fine… I haven’t face any particular problem yet”

“That is good, you will probably need to use your brain in more than one occasion” Herenoys said, quite expecting a little more of information but he settles with it.

“My turn, what exactly are you?” Herenoys smiled again, like if he was waiting for that kind of question. This time he takes a sip of his tea before answering.

“Well, I’m not someone who can hurt you in any way if that makes you feel better. My existence is only presence here… in this place right in the middle of your soul and mind” Herenoys answered and quickly all the place starts twisting itself, soon the whole place is transformed into Roharu’s room. Roharu couldn’t help being surprised; even ‘gasp’ for a second. “As you could have guessed, you are still sleeping in your room. To be more precise, I’m a spirit that lies inside you. Probably a ghost or a cursed soul… I’m not sure myself. But I can assure you something. My awakening is nothing to be afraid of. I’m here because I know I need to be here”

“Do you have some sort of implanted knowledge?” Roharu said casually, it all makes senses now… damn video-games, or was the TV to blame for this?

“Yes, I guess you could say so. Probably I was created inside you… or somewhere else and then translated inside you. But I suppose it doesn’t matter now, my existence is now linked to yours. Any pain you suffer, I will suffer it as well, if you suffer torture, I will do as well, if you die… I’ll die”

“Wait a second… pain, death… torture?” Roharu said quite surprise of the little twist Herenoys had just given to the conversation. “I can let pass the part of pain and death part. I don’t care trust me. Life is overrated these days, but why torture?” Roharu actually meant that, as long as he didn’t suffer for so long, dying wasn’t something that worried him. This was some of the advantage of having a nearly inexistence self-esteem.

“It is okay to be scared… after all, your destiny has been revealed to me. I can see what you’re destined to become, but I wasn’t able to see what is going to happen after that” Herenoys said standing up and looking at the window at the opposite side of Roharu’s bed, admiring the city’s light below the full moon.

“Let me recap… you are a spirit with implanted memories that has just awakened inside a 14 years old boy, living in the middle of my inexistence soul and mind. Not to mention I’m destined to suffer, get hurt and had high probabilities of dying, right?” Roharu said quickly, with a light sarcastic tone.

“Yep, pretty much… You’re good at this. Now for the next question-”

“Forget the next question; I’m sick of the game. I want my answers first!” Roharu said standing up, quite upset about his situation.

“End the game so soon? But it has only being two questions… or were three?” Herenoys said, with a complete lack of interest in Roharu’s reactions.

“It’s my destiny, my body and my live that is being threatened here” Roharu said calmly to Herenoys, like trying to reason with him, which seems to be an illogical move considering this was still just a dream… but someone could guess that a vivid dream could need vivid reactions “So, if you don’t mind” Roharu said inviting Herenoys to take sit again. Herenoys nodded politely obey Roharu’s invitation to sit again. “All those implanted memories are about me?”

“Some of them are… most of them are related to you but in an indirect way”

“Good, start telling me about that destiny of mine… what exactly happens to me?” Once again being illogical, deep inside Roharu was thinking this whole thing was meaningless but his introvert side was telling him that he might regret doesn’t do this now.

“The change has already started. You’re no longer human my boy” Herenoys said smiling to Roharu. The boy was quite surprised to hear that, instinctively look at his hands and body to look for anything odd. He hated to follow such stupid instincts but when someone dressed in black, inside a dream tells you that you are no longer human, you can’t help but believe it… right? “Your body isn’t changing in some physical way. It’s your blood; your DNA itself is changing. It started to moment I awaken. So it has been like 5 or 6 hours since then. You are now what you were supposed to be in the first place”

“What does ‘supposed to be in the first place’ means??”

“You were born as a human, your DNA was hiding dormant inside, completely invisible for any kind of human technology... or at least that is what I think, since I have no knowledge about the extension of human’s technology. But since you were capable to pass all those blood types tests just fine-”

“Wait, how do you know about those things, weren’t you supposed to have… what, 5 or 6 hours old?”

“Oh, good question. It seems that I do have certain level of knowledge when it comes to human’s costumes after all” Herenoys said looking up, thinking about his current knowledge, quite surprise himself. Roharu was starting to feel he was an idiot… or just carefree b*****d.

“Good for you… what the hell am I then?”

“You’re a wizard”

“Are you kidding me? So am I some sort of video-game character now?” Roharu said standing up, almost making the chair fall. “What kind of answer is that?” Before he could say another question, and there were going to be plenty of R-18 types of words between it, Roharu couldn’t believe his own reaction, something wasn’t right. His whole way of thinking, his logic and cold-headed was just not there anymore. Then Roharu noticed for the first time, Herenoys’s aura has grown so much already he could almost feel it in his face. Was that affecting his personality?

“You noticed. My apologize but I wanted to know how my aura could affect you in this kind of conversation” Right after he finishes the sentence, Roharu saw the aura disappearing almost instantaneously. “My aura is part of you; all I did was appealing to those dormant emotions of yours. I realize that getting angry isn’t something you do often, so I wanted to change that. I’m sorry haven’t said anything before… Okay, let’s continue with your answer” Herenoys said while giving another drink to the tea. “I’m not fully aware of the details… my knowledge is limited. In general terms, you’re a ‘Cosmic’, a being capable to manipulate the sub-atomic energy and manifested it in infinite ways. Of course, that power altered your DNA and gives you certain qualities that are… well, ‘inhuman’. I said you were a ‘Wizard’ because that is more specific”

“More ‘specific’? I’m sorry for disappointing you, but that nickname isn’t helping at all”

“A ‘Cosmic being’ can have certain attributes that marks huge difference between them, it is like humans. Some humans are black; others are white, facial aspects, hair color, etc, etc. ‘Wizard’ is a code for your kind of attributes. There exists 4 kind of codes, but let’s don’t worry about that. At least not for now”

“Why am I still like this? I mean… with a body so similar to humans? Or is this whole ‘change’ not done yet?” Roharu said, feeling quite uncomfortable of saying ‘human’ now.

“Well, I have no idea. To be honest, I haven’t study human anatomy… or anything at all…”

“How helpful”

“What did you expect? I have 6 hours old” Herenoys answered quickly, quite disappointing at how the boy loses his cool so soon by such a lame revelation and silly aura. (On Herenoys standards at least)

“Whatever” The boy was starting to give up in trying making sense to the whole thing. Then a sudden pain was starting to bother Roharu. Herenoys noticed and stretches his arm to touch Roharu’s forehead. Soon an uncomfortable pain filled Roharu’s head “Uhhh… What is this pain? So sudden”

“I’m sorry, again. I took too much of your time. Long story short, you are a wizard, and starting tomorrow you will notice several changes. I recommend you to stay calm, and if you feel like you can’t get your emotions under control just makes sure nobody is watching you or is close to you. We will see again…” Herenoys said. His words were making him feel so sleepy. His eyes felt so heavy he couldn’t keep them open anymore. As he was getting sleepier, his pain was decreasing…

Roharu was once again in his room, the alarm sounded and the boy instinctively stopped it with his right hand. He starts stretching and went directly to the bathroom, blaming himself for being unable to have ‘normal’ dreams… or at least ‘erotic’ dreams as any other normal 14 years old boy.


This was going to be his return to the school after summer vacation. He chooses his black T-shirt and his red-jacket, blue pants and black shoes. At the end he takes a small golden slave with his initials grabbed in it. After a couple of minutes combing his hair, Roharu goes downstairs to the kitchen. There it was a woman in casual clothes. White shirt, blue skirt, sandals, not exactly someone that might go to a party anytime soon. The woman received Roharu with a wide smile; her brown skin so similar to chocolate was giving Roharu the sensation of ‘home’

“Hi, mom” Roharu said taking his usual place on the table. “Thanks again, although I have been telling you that I can handle my own breakfast… –

“Well, the problem here is that I want you to eat properly, not just cereal” The woman says placing a couple of hot cakes in front of the boy. While Roharu starts eating a sound starts echoing inside his head, the sound starts growing and Roharu’s hands begin to shake lightly. The boy couldn’t help dropping his knife as his hands were no longer under his control.

“So, why do you call that woman ‘mom’?” A familiar voice said to Roharu. The boy starts looking around, trying to find out where the voice was coming from. Soon the tremble in his hands ended “I mean, isn’t she your aunt? I may not have too many memories about you, but I at least know who are closest to you. This woman is definitely really close, but she looks like you at all, quite impossible for her to be your mother”

“Damn… psychosis…” Roharu whispered once he realizes the voice was coming from inside his head.

“Psychosis? What is that?”

“A mental diseases that forbid the person to distinguish between reality and dreams” Roharu said at the time he stands up and go upstairs.

“Roharu? You haven’t finish yet, where are you going?” His aunt asked him when she notices him leaving the table so fast.

“Sorry mom, I’ll be right back. I just need to take care of my cell for now, I don’t want to forget it again” Roharu answered hiding his fear.

“Nice, you’re a natural liar. But, why are you so scared? You are acting as if you were going crazy, you know?”

“Idiot… psychosis can make you believe anything. Everything is connected to the brain, so anything that I see, feel, smell, taste, all of that can be only a trick inside my head” Roharu said to himself once he get his cell phone and grabbed his headphones. “I need to remain calm, call the school psychologist and makes sure nobody realizes I’m talking alone” He muttered to himself, trying to relax, although Herenoys didn’t notice he was being ignored.

“Oh, I see. So that is why you get the headphones. That way everyone will think you are on the phone instead of talking to me… hey, wait a second. That sounds quite insulting” He said, still believing Roharu was paying attention to him.

Roharu goes downstairs again and starts playing his music as loud as he could handle. “See you later mom” He says barely swinging his right hand to his aunt. Once outside the house, he starts running toward the school.

“Geez… is this heavy metal? Weird selection for someone that can be a good student and that get along with his family” Roharu couldn’t help but to listen, despite the loud music, he could still hear Herenoys’ voice perfectly.

“I can’t shut it up… damn” The boys said, giving up on his plan to stop listening to Herenoys.

“So, you still think you’re crazy… Psychosis is a mental disease, right? It’s coming from your sub-conscious, right?”

“Yeah, so?” Roharu said instinctively. He then regrets have talked to Herenoys and starts slowing down his running to the school.

“Well, if that is true, then why am I kept telling you you’re not sick? If you realize you’re sick then why the sub-conscious tells you you’re not?”

“Easy, there is a part of me who doesn’t want to admit it… ‘Hope’, which is quite lame. Besides, my own sickness tells me I’m not sick, you know how stupid that sounds?” He said, once again instinctively… and once again regretting it.

“Great… so anything I say, I reveal, or anything I can proof is nothing but simple trick of your brain?”

“Technically, yes” Roharu said, panting while running but giving up quickly and starts walking normally, knowing it no longer mattered whether he is capable to reach or not the school on time.

“That is not fair… well, I guess I can give you some time to process what is happening. Enjoy your first day of school” The spirit said, right after that his presence dissolves. Roharu was no longer able to hear the voice at all, and the echoing in his head also stopped. Roharu decides to forget about all his conversations with Herenoys and walk his way toward the school.

Roharu was finally steps away from his school, being welcomed with a huge sign above the principal entrance of the school saying: Yunaiteddo Academy. Roharu wasn’t on the mood to notice the surroundings, not to mention he was never interested in them. It was just a huge hall with some trees and pink flowers all round it, annoying, really annoying. Once inside the school, Roharu goes upstairs until he reaches the third floor, once again without paying attention to any insignificant detail. It wasn’t a priority today, nor was yesterday, nor a week ago, nor 5 years ago. He opened the first door on his right and just after he opened he could see some of his classmates talking in their desks.

“What… the hell?” Roharu said silently so no one hear him. Roharu looked outside and he finds out he was still in the first floor… that was his classroom and those were his new classmates…

“Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said you were going to talk with a psychologist” Herenoys had just started to talk inside his head again. Roharu was able to detect his presence once again. “I’m sorry, but what part of ‘you are no longer human’ didn’t you understand? If you go and talk with someone about it, it will get troublesome. Let’s just relax and take a sit, we still have half an hour before the class actually starts. It seems your little running help you to get a little more on time that you used to be”

Roharu was now petrified of fear for a second; he then left his backpack in the closest desk and run away from the classroom before anyone could notice him standing there. He goes to the third floor as fast as he could but once he reaches it, suddenly he trips and falls hardly on the ground. After he stands up and opens his eyes, Roharu was now on the school’s backyard. He saw his clothes were now dirty because of the fall on the ground. Something was definitely wrong, not only did his perception of space was affected, but his perception of time was compromised as well. It takes over 8 minutes for someone running at full speed to get from the school’s main hall to the backyard. Roharu could swear he wasn’t inside the school for more than 4 minutes, he looked at his clock and he realizes he had been here for already 14 minutes!

“You’re stubborn… no way I’m gonna let you talk with anyone about us” Herenoys whispered inside his head.

“How can you do this?”

“It is easy when you live so close of a person’s mind. I got to give you credit for this idea. Your conversation about psychosis was a nice inspiration for me; I realize that fooling your mind is the best way to get your attention” Herenoys said. His calm voice was only making Roharu more and more nervous. “Now, I know you find this hard to believe… I mean, when I told you some irrational things you suddenly believe that the most logical explanation is that you’re going crazy”

“Am I still dreaming?” Roharu said while walking until he found a place where to lie down, hoping that silly and completely illogical question was answered with a ‘yes’. Of course, Roharu is not the kind of guy lucky enough. He covered his face with his hands, trying to relax and making himself comfortable laying on the grass, despite the fact that he wasn’t used to it.

“I doubt it… listen boy. I don’t want to cause you any problem, so please; can you just surrender and listen to me now? Or else… well, do you want me to start playing around with your sub-conscious a little more? I can make your perception of time/space go crazy in an even bigger ways than just this”

“I’m being blackmailed by my own head… what do you want me to hear?”

“You’re no longer human, so it is time for you to start believing in me just for a second. Trust me now, after I show you what I want, then you’re free to go and talk to anyone about us… if you think is the best thing to do”

Roharu remains silent for a couple of seconds… reviewing his option over and over again (it was easy, considering he didn’t have any kind of available options). “Very good… go ahead”

“Perfect!” Herenoys said quite pleased by Roharu’s choice. “Extend your arm right in front of you” He said, slowly Roharu obeys his command. “Very good, now I want you to think the worst injustice you have ever face”

“Being born?”

“Emm… Try to be a little less bleak when it comes about your existence. Life may be overrated but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect it” Herenoys said trying to cheer up the boy a little “Life is precious, doesn’t matter how screw up it is”

“Sorry, too many happy memories” Roharu said sarcastically. He remembered his days on elementary school, feeling of sadness and hatred starts rising quickly. Roharu closed his eyes and pictured his life, bullied physically and verbally by others, being unable to connect with others… cursing his own way of thinking and living. The biggest injustice for him was clear, being born with a complete inability to socialize with others, not even with his own parents. Those feelings start to focus on his hands, after Roharu opened his eyes he looked at his hands, both emanating an incandescent light!

“What is this?!!”

“The beginning my boy… Of an innumerable inexplicable things that are about to happen in your life”

 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2011 4:39 pm
Just wondering.... did I place this in the wrong section?  

Roharu Eruna

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  • Signature Look 250
  • Citizen 200

Roharu Eruna

5,250 Points
  • Person of Interest 200
  • Signature Look 250
  • Citizen 200
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2011 6:36 pm
I don't know who moved.... but thanks sweatdrop  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2011 6:50 pm
Looks good to me. Couple grammar mistakes though. whee  

HON0R

Blessed Prophet


Roharu Eruna

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2011 6:58 pm
Sullen Oppressor
Looks good to me. Couple grammar mistakes though. whee


I'm glad you took your time in reading it, I know it was long, so I'm happy you did. Also.... I'm afraid my english is not yet on the right level, I suppose. I will try to find the mistakes and correct them.  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2011 7:03 pm
Roharu Eruna
Sullen Oppressor
Looks good to me. Couple grammar mistakes though. whee


I'm glad you took your time in reading it, I know it was long, so I'm happy you did. Also.... I'm afraid my english is not yet on the right level, I suppose. I will try to find the mistakes and correct them.


Np, I like to write too. And yours looks alot better than what I usually write.  

HON0R

Blessed Prophet


Roharu Eruna

5,250 Points
  • Person of Interest 200
  • Signature Look 250
  • Citizen 200
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2011 7:34 pm
Sullen Oppressor
Roharu Eruna
Sullen Oppressor
Looks good to me. Couple grammar mistakes though. whee


I'm glad you took your time in reading it, I know it was long, so I'm happy you did. Also.... I'm afraid my english is not yet on the right level, I suppose. I will try to find the mistakes and correct them.


Np, I like to write too. And yours looks alot better than what I usually write.


Thanks dude, glad you did like it. Now, to work on my next chapter.... I may look for a program that could look after some grammar mistakes other than Microsoft Word.... that program sucks, even I know more english that that thing...  
PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 12:02 pm
For Gravi and good job  

Sun Hou Yi

Greedy Lunatic

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Tropical Jungle (Art Forum)

 
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